The next morning, I get up early and check my messages for any news from Viv and Rose overnight. 

What I get is both more and less than I expected. I have a small pile of notifications in my Catcall DMs. 

Berrybliss: Thanks for hopping out. I realize it sucks to miss out on the fun, but…
Berrybliss: It was a very nice night. I’ll try not to kiss and tell overly, that’s for Rose to decide, but we did end up going another round.
Berrybliss: Feel free to ask Rose for details, if she’s willing to share I am too. 
Berrybliss: Hope you get a smile out of this in the morning :)
Berrybliss: I know I certainly did. 

That’s all from Viv; but Rose’s DMed me as well. 

cyberflora: Thank you for last night
cyberflora: it was… amazing 
cyberflora: I don’t want to wake up from this dream
cyberflora: but I have work tomorrow 
cyberflora: … still worth it.  
cyberflora: Viv was very good to me
cyberflora: and you were too
cyberflora: I’m going to sleep in my pod tonight 
cyberflora: see you sometime tomorrow 
cyberflora: probably the evening

I smile slightly. It’s hard, imagining Rose having to go back to presenting as a man after that night, but at least Viv and I gave her a good memory. She’ll be okay. 

I DM her back: 

Silverine: sending you so much hugs and support
Silverine: remember, if you get through the day you get to have all that again 
Silverine: as the release of threadwitch after like a seven year delay proves, 
Silverine: never kill yourself
Silverine: there’s always something new that you’ll miss if you stop existing

I take a breath. I’m spilling a little too much of my fears out into the chat, but I guess if I’m being this honest I should be entirely forthright too. 

Silverine: I know you haven’t said anything, and I know I could be totally overreacting
Silverine: but I know someone who’s come close a couple times
Silverine: and been there myself, once or twice 
Silverine: in the couple years after the breakdown, mostly 
Silverine: It’s all too common for trans women 
Silverine: so
Silverine: I keep a list 
Silverine: of all the things I won’t get to do if I die
Silverine: I haven’t updated it in years, it’s an old list now 
Silverine: but I made it for a reason 
Silverine: and it helped
Silverine: I can’t make you decide to stay
Silverine: but sometimes all people need is one good thing 
Silverine: to make it possible to hope for more
Silverine: I’m glad I could be your one good thing yesterday 
Silverine: even if the stakes weren’t necessarily that high 
Silverine: and I’m sorry for splashing my messy emotions on you 
Silverine: But if you ever consider it, please remember
Silverine: I care about you 
Silverine: I care about you rather a lot 

I blink, and find tears in my eyes. Ah, damn it. I’ve gone and overdone it totally again. 

But it’s what I had to say in my heart, so - whatever will be, will be. No taking this back. Hopefully I don’t end up panicking Rose, but I think it’s important to say it, just in case. 

A little textbox pops up at the bottom of my screen: 

cyberflora is typing… 

I bite my lip and stare at my phone screen. She already saw it? I guess she must have gotten the notifications, I did end up sending a whole bunch of messages - 

cyberflora: thank you 

I take a breath. Okay, okay so she’s not scared about it, that’s good - 

cyberflora: I needed to hear this 
cyberflora: see you after work
cyberflora: and
cyberflora: I care about you too
cyberflora: you’re right
cyberflora: never ever

And then she drops back offline. 

Silverine: thank you too
Silverine: okay
Silverine: I should get breakfast 
Silverine: see you after work

I set down my phone for a moment and take a long breath. 

That… went more intensely than I had planned, by a long way. So much for looking cool and in charge. Probably for the best. I wouldn’t want these girls to start to look up to me as some kind of heroine. I’ve been there, and it never ends well. 

Getting up from the VR pod, I shamble over to the kitchen, start coffee, and pour myself another bowl of cereal. I’ll have to order some more groceries soon, I’ve only got one more box of dream puffs before I’m out of cereal. In the meantime…

I text Viv back. 

Silverine: spilled a bunch of feelings about dysphoria and depression on rose
Silverine: mostly by accident  
Silverine: I told her about the lists you and I made 
Silverine: well, my list 
Silverine: I didn’t specify that it was you I got the idea from 
Silverine: but I bet she can guess 
Silverine: sorry
Silverine: in any case, hope to see you again soon 
Silverine: having breakfast rn

No response is forthcoming, not that I was expecting one this early in the morning. That’s alright. Rockhawk is probably up, and I could use a pick-me-up after that. 

Silverine: Hey Rockhawk, are you online?

Rockhawk: THE HAWK is always online!
Rockhawk: THE HAWK does not sleep. 

Silverine: Hawk, what have I told you about staying up at all hours

Rockhawk: That it is an enviable behaviour of very good girls? 

Silverine: The opposite actually, but go off.
Silverine: more seriously, can I have a hug?
Silverine: it’s been a stressful morning so far

Rockhawk: Am always happy to hug good girls like the Mads!
Rockhawk: *snug*
Rockhawk: is okay, the hawk is here now
Rockhawk: *pat pat* 

Silverine: Thank you, hawk

Rockhawk: is no problem
Rockhawk: does someone need stabbed? 

Silverine: maybe the concept of dysphoria
Silverine: can think of a couple other people who’d debatably deserve it 
Silverine: try not to think that way though, it just makes things worse
Silverine: please just hug me more

Rockhawk: *nods nods*
Rockhawk: okay
Rockhawk: *squeezes you tightly*
Rockhawk: The Hawk will restrain herself to going after abstract concepts
Rockhawk: wish I could hug you in person

Silverine: you could come hug me in vr?

Rockhawk: …
Rockhawk: okay but just one, ok? 
Rockhawk: the hawk is…
Rockhawk: not very good at touch
Rockhawk: but if you need hugged 
Rockhawk: then will
Rockhawk: Mads is important

Silverine: Do you even have a VR setup? 

Rockhawk: do!
Rockhawk: mostly play solo games
Rockhawk: but can come hug  

Silverine: okay
Silverine: There’s pie? 
Silverine: if you log into skal? 

Rockhawk: pie for hug is a good trade
Rockhawk: will join skal node
Rockhawk: Grand Brooks, mhm?

Silverine: Yeah, Grand Brooks.
Silverine: Cuties Incorporated Guildhouse, I’ll give you an invite key
Silverine: Here’s the link

Rockhawk: Will be there. 

Silverine: See you soon. 

Despite the situation, my heart jumps; getting to see Rockhawk “in person” is exciting, even if the circumstances are less than ideal. I take a steadying breath, finish off my breakfast, and go get back into my pod. 

The needles prick me, and the guildhall in Skal swims back into my vision. 

I emerge from the bed in my shared room with Viv, and head downstairs to the meeting-hall - where I find a black-winged valkyrie, slim and only lightly muscled, wearing a set of scale-mail armor with a pair of knives at each hip. 

“Valkyrie?” My eyebrows jump. “You paid extra for an unlockable race just to hug me?”

Rockhawk looks away blushily. “Um, Hawk bought it a few weeks ago when Mads mentioned she really liked Skal. Hawk has been playing solo. And Hawk is very birb.” 

My eyebrows jump, and I look away. “So, um… Hawk has been wanting to play for a while?”

“Mhm. Hawk has just… not known how to bring up the touch problem.” Rockhawk opens her arms. “... Hawk will try though. If Mads is okay with short hug.” 

“A short hug is much better than none at all,” I say softly. “I’ll be delicate and slow?” 

“Okay,” Rockhawk says. And she steps in carefully, and hugs me. 

It’s gentle, soft, reassuring. She’s delicate in her grip, and her wings are a little ticklish against me. We part after perhaps two breaths, and I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. 

“Thank you,” I say softly. “That… helped more than you know.” 

Rockhawk looks away, and smiles. “... sorry that’s all I can manage right now,” she says softly.

“It’s very appreciated anyway,” I say. “Pie?” 

Rockhawk immediately perks up. “Pie!” 

I laugh, and go grab the saved pie from the basement. When I come up, Rockhawk has already found the forks in the little kitchen nook by the hearth, and has taken a seat at the long table. I pass the pie over to her, and sit down across from her.

“Don’t worry about me having something to eat,” I say. “I’ve already had my share of this pie. So, um… What have you been doing in Skal?” 

“Mostly flying around like a silly little birb and crashing into trees,” Rockhawk admits. “But I stabbed some bandits! Enough to get some good stuff. Mail and knives and a bow and stuff.” 

I smile, on firmer ground with Rockhawk’s stabbing habit here where it’s safely virtual. “Glad to hear it. Does the Hawk want to join the clan?” 

Hawk nods eagerly with a piece of pie in her mouth, then swallows and grins. “For sure! Skal very fun. And Mads good girl and good person.” She takes another bite of her blueberry pie. “Mmmh. An’ m’ not just saying that ‘cause she bought me pie.” 

I giggle, and nod. “Alright,” I say. “I’ll be right back with an induction form then. We could do it through the interface but I like the physical method.” 

I hike upstairs back to my room, open my writing-desk’s interface, and get the standard form for clan inductions. A few quick edits on the way downstairs, and I have a clan-join offer for Hawk to sign. 

“Here it is,” I say, and pass the form to Hawk across the table. “Just sign and you’ll officially be a clan member!” I pass over a quill that happens to match Hawk’s raven-black wings.

Hawk signs, and the paper evaporates in a flash of light as I approve the join request through my interface. 

“There you go,” I say. “Welcome to Cuties Incorporated! You are now officially a cutie… Incorporated!” 

Hawk giggles, and nods. “Is good! Glad could help even a little. The Hawk has no evening classes today, so… Maybe Hawk will go quest for making clan gold?”

“Sounds good.” I flash her a thumbs-up. “I don’t really want to fight stuff right now, though, so I hope you have fun solo. Right now, I just want to curl up in bed.” 

“Okay,” Rockhawk says, and lets out a breath. “Hope Maddie’s day improves soon, then. And… See you when you feel recovered? Will probably be questing for a few hours.” 

“Yeah,” I say. “I’ll DM you when I’m feeling better. This has definitely helped, though, so - thank you. You’re something bright in this world and I hope you keep having fun in Skal.” 

“Will try!” Hawk chirps, and she pushes back her chair. She seems to consider for a moment, then reaches out and deliberately pats me atop my head. “Maddie good. Have good day, okay?” 

“Okay,” I say with a smile. “See you.” 

And off we go, each in our own direction, me upstairs, Hawk off to face the big wide world of Skal.