In the realm of the gods, a fierce battle rages. Thousands if not millions of gods desperately fight with all their might. Is it not demons they’re fighting with, nor is it the devil their foe. Their foe isn’t even a numerical equal, for they vastly outnumber her. But one could argue their opponent deserves the moniker of the devil, for the goddess they are desperately struggling against rules with an iron fist. She's one of the gods that have existed since the word itself was coined. The Great Old One, The Elder God, The First Generation of Gods. Her experience and age far surpass those called the Great Old Ones.
The Goddess fights all the gods without breaking a sweat. In fact, she still has some room to read a book while fighting, taunting the arrayed combatants. A circular barrier envelops her body, and while her right-hand holds the book she's reading, her left-hand guides the flow of combat, controlling five fire-like tentacles that attack the army of gods before her. An open white robe complements her long blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes with a grey dress underneath. In contrast to her chronological age, her outward appearance is a young girl in her mid-teens. She controls the fire tentacles as though they are extensions of her own body and occasionally launches a spear of light from the tip of a fire tentacle.
The sight of so many gods struggling against one lone goddess could make someone question their divinity. Not a single barrier they create can handle a single blow from the construct of flame. The spears of light erase any existence that touches it, leaving only oblivion. All they can do is evade all the incoming attacks while trying to break her mighty barrier.
She has an arrogant sneer as she glares at the army of deities. "Look at your pitiful struggles. Your efforts are no greater than a mere mortal. And yet, you all dare to call yourself gods. None of you deserves the title of divinity that you claim.”
"Indeed, we are individually less powerful than you are. We may not even be gods like you say. But at the very least, we wield our power with responsibility. We do not destroy a world left and right as though they were nothing." Roared one of the many young gods that continued to resist.
"What a wonderful thing that comes out from your mouth. What you said could apply to you, but how about the other gods? Do you truly believe that I act without reason?." Her innocent smile and simple question only enrage her foe.
The goddess then closes her book and looks at the god who spoke to her earlier. He has black hair and dark eyes. His eyes hold an innocence of youth and a will to match. The goddess suddenly takes an interest in the young god. She then stretches out her right hand towards the young god and then immediately pulls her hand in. The young god is helplessly drawn into her barrier without even the slightest resistance. She then proceeds to choke the young god, though without the intention to kill him.
"Tell me your name." Said the goddess while smiling.
The young god chokes out his name while struggling to put a word out of his mouth.
"Shu... Shullous. My... 'cough' 'cough' name is... Shullous."
She then throws Shullous out of her barrier and then says.
"Very well Shullous, I shall remember your name. I do wonder what you shall be in the future. I can't wait to see, hahahaha."
She laughs maniacally for a few seconds and then stops when she feels a familiar presence approaching.
"They’re finally here." she murmured to herself.
"SULFIE, YOU NEED TO STOP NOW!!."
A voice from afar reaches her ears. She then looks to where the voice came from. A familiar face then meets her sight. A handsome man with grey hair that looks as though he is in his early twenties. The goddess, aforenamed Sulfie, then grins...
"I've been waiting for you, Emir."
Immediately after, five fire-like tentacles launch an attack on Emir.
"It's futile," Said Emir, who Immediately created a barrier around him.
"Not quite."
A voice comes from behind Emir. Before he could turn around, his body was immediately blown away. He then spread white bird-like wings from his back to stabilise himself. But before he can, he is impacted on his back and crashes into the ground creating a metaphysical dust cloud.
"As usual, you really aren’t fit for fighting. What shall you do no-"
Before Sulfie could finish her word, a dark shadow enveloped her body.
"I see..."
While on the ground, Emir smiles; the trap has succeeded. Even though the battle between Sulfie and Emir only lasted a few moments, it ended in his favour. Sulfie, in her hubris, looked down on the other gods and believed their efforts to amount to nothing. While they couldn’t harm her directly, they could seal her away. Upon realising that, Sulfie just confidently laughed.
"What a surprise, I should have seen this coming. To think a proud being who called themselves gods would use the so-called forbidden magic they themselves despise. How hypocritical. Hahahahaha..."
Normal sealing techniques would not work on her because of her massive divine power pool. And because of that, she didn't expect them to even attempt to launch any sort of sealing technique. Was it overconfidence, or was it naivete? Only she knew the answer. To think they were really that desperate to get rid of her. Slowly, as the dark shadows envelop her entire body, she snaps her finger.
"So long, all of you..."
Her entire body then gets swallowed by the dark shadow and disappears from sight.
Errors I found in the first paragraph:
Incorrect: "The Goddess that rule over the god realms with her iron fist is the one their fighting desperately."
Correct: "The Goddess that rule over the god realms with her iron fist is the one they're fighting desperately."
They're means they are. Their is used to say that someone has ownership or position of a thing or person; for example "their toys were getting too old."
Incorrect: "She's one of the god that exist since the word exist has existed."
Correct: "She's one of the gods which has existed since the word 'exist' first came to be."
You have implied that there are gods which are on the same caliber as her either by age, power or both. Thus you need to make that word 'god' plural; meaning the word must be changed to 'gods' to show that there are more than one. Also do not put to many of the same word in a sentence. Your sentence had some many variations of the word 'exist' in the sentence that it confused me and I misread the sentence. The flow of the sentence was broken because I had to go back and reread what I had read in order to make sense of it, breaking the immersion and environment that you were trying to create for your story. Meaning that it ruins my enjoyment of a story if I have to go back and make sense of what you have written. I put word 'exist' in quotation marks to denotes that I was talking about the word exist and not using it in a sentence. This will stop any readers from being confused when reading the sentence.
Incorrect: "The Great Old One, The Elder God, The First Generation of God. Whatever title they gave them, She is one of the powerful one among The Great Old One."
Correct: "The Great Old Ones, The Elder Gods, The First Generation of Gods are what they were known as; and she is one of the most powerful of them."
I combined these sentences together ( using a semicolon/; ) because the two sentences were very odd by themselves and I figured that they could work better as one sentence separated into two parts. It sounded wrong even after I corrected the lack of plurals; I felt like I had to rearrange the sentence in order for it to make sense. It was mainly this bit "She is one of the powerful one among The Great Old One." that didn't grammatically make sense and looked wrong to me. I got the gist of what you wanted the sentence to mean, but I had to go back (again) and reread the sentence to make sure, which broke the immersion/atmosphere of your story and ruined my enjoyment.
(Also I don't know if the word 'is' is incorrect in the corrected sentence because I don't know if she is still powerful in the present time. If she isn't then you should change 'is' to 'was' because we are talking about the past from the perspective of the future (like a story was being told))
And that was just me talking about the errors in the first paragraph in the story and my justification for the changes. There were many more errors in the rest of the story. Overall the errors and spelling mistakes ruined my enjoyment of the story. I would recommend not uploading a chapter until most of the errors have been fixed by you and/or an editor. Let any helpful commenters mention the one or two leftover mistakes you missed once it is uploaded.
Thank you for your suggestion and opinion. i also think i need editor and proofreader to fix my error is the way to go.
For now i don't have that. so i decided to seek opinion first. Once again thank you, i would gladly follow your suggestions and try fix this chapter.
The idea is sound, the grammar is not.
I recommend trying the free version of Grammarly, which should clean up some of the grammar.
Other than that, I look forward to seeing what happens with this story.
The chapter title is meant to be spelt prologue not prolog (unless this was an intentional).
Also there are some errors in your synopsis for the story: This "But unbeknown to them (There is one impostor.. ahem), they just release the former goddess from her sealing place. A goddess that once destroy countless world on a whim."
Should be this: "But unbeknown to them (There is one impostor.. ahem), they just released the former goddess from the place she was sealed in. A goddess that once destroyed countless worlds on a whim."
To make the sentences less awkward phrase it like this: "But unbeknown to them (There is one impostor.. ahem), they have just released the former goddess from her eternal prison. A goddess that once destroyed countless worlds on a whim."
A word of advice, you seem to have problems with using words with the correct past and future tense. If you want to improve your writing I would recommend keeping to proper spelling, sentence structure and past, present and future tenses in mind when writing. Read everything you said out loud to yourself and if the sentence is not correct/sounds wrong to you then try to correct it. Get a spellchecking app like Grammarly to help with spelling, or as a thesaurus. If English is not your first language I would recommend that you get someone who is to check/edit your work before you release it (you can still take this option even if English if your first language. I know many authors who do). I recommend this option, as a second pair of eyes can spot mistakes more easily than you sometimes.
Thank you.
the word prolog is not intentional. That's how it writing in my first language. So i made an error mixing the two languages.
Thank you for your suggestions and opinion. ?
There are some issues with readability and exposition but all in all its a good start.
An idea for World building power levels: gods innately have different levels of ability, influence and power so I'd like to see a more structured explanation as to why she's op. For example: she's an original god of the planes creation, so she's an innate god not a made or born one. Also, she's old, an elder god.
Are their ranks or tiers to godhood like minor god, forgotten god, regional god, pantheon god, greater god, elder god, etc? Is this a pyramid power structure of quality over quantity, as in the higher your quality the less peers you have.
Also, a god is a higher lifeform, so it would make sense that physical reality can't fully manifest what it means to be a god. So when she gets summoned, its an avatar that she sends off in response with her consciousness in it while her full god form is napping elsewhere in the god realm. Now that her consciousness is free, she is free and can find a way to summon her godly form if needed at will, but by leaving it behind she can go play in the mortal realm without the minor gods getting all worked up and ruining her vacation.
Here are some words you misspelled, attack(attach), and prologue(prolog). The words that are wrong are in parentheses. I might do this for each chapter, a whim if you will as I am not willing to spend too much time looking for everything. Anyways nice concept for a story, thank you for doing this troublesome task of translating your own story for others.
Massive plus on that, writing interesting fiction in another language is a skill many of us don't have
Uhh, this is readable, but it could use a bit of cleanup, would you like some help?
i would gladly accept any help i can receive. ?
@Askun Your single biggest problem here is when to use singular versus plural forms.
Thanks for the chapter
Yeah the grammar is rough, but it isn't really that bad. My brain has no trouble correcting any errors as I read, so as rough as the grammar may be, it doesn't really damage the readability too bad. I've read web novel translations far, far worse. There's a good number of small errors, ones that readers probably won't catch. It really just needs a proofreader to give it a once-over and it'll be fine.
nice.
Moar
