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??? POV

'Hey, have you ever thought of changing yourself?'

'. . .Yes. But I don't want to.'

'Why am I different from others?'

'Because you are not them. Because you are you.'

'I. . .want to be like them. They can laugh and enjoy pointless discussions like that every day.'

'But, what they like isn't what I like.'

'Then all I have to do is pretend. If I can relate to what they're talking about, maybe. . .'

'You won't. In the end, you are not like them.'

「The moment you think that you have to change to be like others is the moment when you start to lose yourself.」

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It's been a few days since I started to let her initiate a conversation and she's being really cooperative. She doesn't complain or hesitate anymore either.

I feel like we've grown closer, and that fact alone made me happy.

Today, she's going to talk to me about how it was when we were in the real world. I grew anxious. Last time, it was really noisy and I didn't like it. It felt terrible. Just remembering it gives me a headache.

"Are you ready yet? Hurry and sit down."

She patted the seat beside her. Recently, she's been looking forward to our story-telling time. She still has that calm attitude, but her face was also filled with anticipation.

"Al~right."

I sat down just as she said and placed some cold iced tea on top of the small study table.

"Which one are you going to tell me today?"

". . .Today, let's see. The first time you rejected me, I guess?"

She pondered for a bit before answering.

"Isn't that a bad memory for you?"

I was worried about what she would feel, memories of the past. No matter how long it's been, painful memories leave more impact than good ones, that's why they're hard to forget.

". . .It is. But, if it's now━"

'Now?'

"Anyway, it's not like I'll tell you everything, so it's fine."

"Is that so?"

". . .Yes. Now then, where should I start? Let's see. . ."

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〚 A few years ago, a quiet girl went to school like always, she sat on the very back row, to the left corner.〛

〚 She was always the first one to arrive in school, not because she wanted to be recognized for being an early-bird. It's just that. . .it's the quietest time before everyone arrives.〛

"Uwaah. . .that's cool. Having the whole classroom all to herself."

I made a casual remark. I actually thought I was cool.

"It was the most peaceful time, after all."

She seemed proud when she said that.

〚 She was always bored with the lectures, so sometimes she would just daydream, draw some doodles on her notebook, casually pretending to write notes, and sometimes, she would observe.〛

〚 That's right. Observe. Observing people. She would look at her classmates doing some stuff. Some would pass small pieces of paper like a secret message. Some would just play with their phones below their desks. Some would even bring their gadgets to play games.〛

〚 It seemed to be really fun. She also wanted to be like that, passing papers secretly with someone. It doesn't have to be a boyfriend or anything, a friend will do.〛

〚 At a time like this, in a shoujo manga, a guy would start paying some attention to you and all but, unfortunately, reality doesn't have anything convenient like that.〛

〚 'I know right~. It's not like a popular guy in school will suddenly be interested in me and all. Tch.' The girl thought.〛

〚 'Besides, real guys in school sucks. I prefer the soft, quiet, and cute boys. Like rabbits. Give me someone like that, and I'll be happy to live every day.' The girl sighed.〛

"I hate to say it but I totally agree. Most girls may like the bad boy type and the badass type, but I'm more of a cute guy type."

While I'm ranting like this, Naiko kept on nodding.

'Wait a minute! We're getting sidetracked here! How did this go from a lonely school life story to a guy type preferences?'

cough*

"Back to the main topic. . ."

〚 During lunch, she would always see friends gather in groups and eat together in the cafeteria. Sometimes, she would even see couples feed each other.〛

I slammed the table in annoyance.

"PDA, for God's sake!!!. Get the hell out of school if you're going to do that, you little━!"

I stopped myself before I say something else. I took my time to calm down and drank some iced tea. Meanwhile, Naiko was looking at me.

"Don't worry, I don't blame you."

"I apologize. Continue, please."

〚 She was fine being alone. Solitude is her peace. Her companion. She was used to being alone, she was fine with it. There's no doubt about it. It wasn't a lie either. But━〛

〚 Am I sad? No, I'm not. I'm not? Am I? She was questioning herself, she was fully convinced that she wasn't sad. It wasn't sadness.〛

〚 I. . .I want someone to be with me, too.〛

〚 Maybe it was then, that she started to 'want to change'. It was a new school year, she wanted to have a friend. But, it wasn't easy, not after━〛

Naiko suddenly stopped.

". . ."

〚 Anyway, it wasn't easy. But she tried, she really did. Even after I told her that she doesn't need to do all that.〛

"Ah! So this was what you were saying last time? Getting in my way of making friends?"

". . .Yes."

"Hmm. . ."

I sipped some more of my drink as she continued to tell the tale.

〚 She kept on talking to her classmates. Greeting them. Casually approaching them. It wasn't easy. With each attempt, she had to reject me every time. She even researched some of the topics that they were discussing.〛

〚 But the worst of them all, she had to fake a smile every time.〛

〚 And even with all that much effort━〛

〚 Nothing changed. All that there was a small connection. Not one of them was strong and true. A single loose thread that could snap with a single touch.〛

〚 See? It wasn't worth it. There wasn't anyone. Not a single one. But, let's not play dumb here. You knew there was no one. You just hoped there will be.〛

〚 Like that, you started to hate me even more.〛

〚 Why? Why am I not like them? Why? Why am I different? Why, is there no one?〛

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"Just like that, you began to contradict yourself."

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