“–Hero!”
Called out a sudden booming voice, drawing the attention of everyone present in the throne hall.
“I, the king of the Drocitia, thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything that you’ve done for this kingdom.”
The king continued, showing a hint of gratitude before a wave of anger rose in his voice.
This anger was directed solely at one particular person, which was the hero kneeling down. The hero was a young man in his twenties, wearing pitch-black clothes that matched his dark-colored hair.
Although the hero remained motionless, he had a satisfied look on his face as he awaited the king's response.
But... the same couldn't be said for the king.
“However, due to the threats that your powers can do, I cannot turn a blind eye despite the good deeds you’ve done for this kingdom.” The king, whose voice was beginning to grow harsher, looked down at the proclaimed hero. “This is why I hereby declare you a threat to my kingdom! Guards!!!”
And upon giving the final order, the hero rose his head and looked in confusion before many hidden mages that were wearing purple robes revealed themselves and pointed their wands towards the dark-haired hero.
The hero didn't have his sword at the moment, which is why he had no way of defending himself.
Perhaps this was all planned out from the beginning, as the sword was the only thing that gave the hero his power.
⌈ The End! ⌋ |
However, just as the mages were about to launch their attack, a strange word suddenly appeared in the air, signaling the end of the scene. The throne room and all its occupants began to dissolve into pixels, revealing that the entire scene had been nothing, but a game displayed on a phone screen.
Mere seconds passed before a certain boy who was holding this particular phone let out a bored sigh.
He was a dark-haired teenage boy in his seventeens who wore a normal blue uniform. He seemed to be resting somewhere around the rooftop of his school, gazing at the emptiness of this location.
“Is this really how they wanted this game to end?” The boy pondered, releasing another sigh.
With nothing else to do, he then decided to put his phone in his pocket before grunting at his attempt to get up from where he was sitting.
This was normal to him, as he knew very well that sitting down for a long period of time was going to give him more pain than usual on his back.
However, after a good period of time, he learned to gradually get used to this pain that limited him on almost everything in his everyday life.
Maybe he shouldn't have continued playing this particular game on the school's rooftop. But this was the best option he had in order to waste time as quickly as possible.
Accepting the reality that he would have to live with the pain for the rest of his life, the dark-haired boy, who appeared constantly bored, decided to return to his classroom.
However, he wasn't going back to simply attend the remaining class periods. No. He was merely heading back to get his stuff so he could just head home.
As he walked through the school's hallways, many students on their break stole glances at him before quickly averting their gaze.
Normally, if anyone looked at him for the first time, they would surely guess that he is an introvert. But the reality at this school was quite different. Everyone knew this particular student very well.
Even right now, as he was passing by some students who were gossiping with one another, they fell to silence the moment they saw this particular boy walk towards one classroom.
But despite the fact that many of them attempted to remain silent, another group of them couldn't help but whisper to each other.
“Hey, it's him.” “Is he going to leave again?” “Why is he here?” “Look, it's him!” “Shush! "Don't speak so loudly, he might hear us.” “His eyes seem so scary....” “How is he even the top student if he never attends classes?”
Yes, he was one of the top students in the entire school, which was why the dark-haired boy did not attend class like the other students.
And teachers?
They couldn't really do anything to him either, as he had already gotten the principal’s support due to his excellent grades.
Some even rumored that something shady might’ve been going on in the dark, but despite that, no one dared to unravel the truth behind his mysterious demeanor.
“......”
Despite the fact that many people were talking behind his back, this boy didn't really give any reaction.
No, he didn't really care about what was going on behind his back for as long as no one was going to bother him.
And thanks to the rumors he had going around, it was certain that no one was going to mess with him. Or at least that's what he was hoping before a certain tall student with glasses stood in his way.
The dark-haired boy stood still for a moment before looking up with his relaxed gray eyes at the one standing in his way.
Usually no one made any moves on him, which is why he waited to see what this person wanted.
“You’re the top student, Hiroki, right?” The tall boy with glasses asked, his eyes narrowing, seemingly convinced that he was right.
The other students were also witnessing this whole thing happen in anticipation, not expecting that someone would get in Hiroki’s way like that.
They were aware of what would happen if someone messed with the top student, which is why they felt either fear or worry about this new student with glasses.
Hiroki gave a slight smile.
“Is there any particular reason why you’re looking for me?”
The boy with glasses returned a smirk back before grabbing Hiroki by his clothes and pushing him against the wall. Hiroki gave no reaction to his body being pushed like that, annoying the new student even more.
"I heard that you were the one messing with my cousin yesterday. I've come to give you a beating for what your hooligans have done!”
The new student threatened as he used his force to push him against the wall even harder to intimidate Hiroki.
“......”
While Hiroki wasn't giving a response back, the other students that were witnessing such a scene began whispering with one another about what was going on.
The new student also saw how Hiroki wasn't showing any reactions, which is why he immediately assumed that he was simply scared.
‘This loser is the most feared student? Does everyone have a screw loose?!’
The new student thought to himself as he raised his right fist, ready to slam it into Hiroki's face.
‘But it doesn't matter! I’ll show to everyone the true color of this weakli—’
*Thump!* *Crash!*
Or at least that's what this tall guy was planning before feeling a heavy, hot object, knocking one of his teeth out, causing his body to fall into the ground. His glasses were shattered into small pieces, and blood was beginning to drip from his nose.
‘W-what….happened?’ He thought to himself, unaware of what had suddenly hit his face.
His eyes that had become blurry from the sudden impact looked around in confusion of what could've hit him.
The top student didn't even move, so he knew that he wasn't the one to counterattack like that.
The other students were also shivering in fear as they saw the position in which this new student was sent flying in one strike.
“Big bro Hiroki, are you okay? Did this wuss hurt you?” A certain worried deep voice inquired.
“No, I'm fine.”
The calm, dark-haired top student casually replied as he brushed off the wrinkles of his uniform.
Right next to the top student was a particular guy that everyone absolutely avoided.
He was a third-year student with a round, fat body that could easily weigh more than one hundred kilograms. However, his body was rather fast and deadly if he happened to get a hold of someone.
And right now, the new student has experienced a punch right in the face from this particular person.
“So, what do you suggest we do with that wuss?”
Hiroki gave a quick glance at the new student on the ground, who was struggling to get up, before looking back at the guy who punched him.
“I don't like making a scene here. Give him the usual treatment as the rest.”
The dark-haired top student let out a sigh before turning his back on the fat guy who protected him.
“Got it. And you, big bro? Are you leaving already?”
The chubby student inquired as he lifted the battered student off the ground like a rag doll.
“Yes, I'm not feeling good.” Hiroki calmly responded, ignoring the chattering from the rest of the terrified students.
“Alright, if you need me, then let me know.”
The chubby guy responded before heading through the terrified students. He even gave a small glare at one of them while walking away.
Hiroki, on the other hand, quickly headed back to his classroom, got his backpack, and left the school without acknowledging anyone who was gossiping or avoiding him.
There wasn't anything left for him to do back there, which is why he never made any stops on his way back.
His house was also close to his school, which he purposefully rented so he wouldn't have to take buses or long walks.
Ten minutes later, a certain small private house appeared in his vision.
While it did have a small garden filled with nice aromas, there wasn't anyone there to take care of them. This seemed indeed like a safe neighborhood, but that didn't stop Hiroki from setting up security cameras in case anything would happen.
There didn't seem to be anyone else at the house, which is why he pulled out his keys and entered his house.
However, right as he was about to take off his shoes, he felt his phone vibrating in his pocket.
“....?”
Only a few people had his phone number, that's why, without bothering to look who was calling him, he swiped right on the screen.
“What's wrong, mother?” The boy inquired with a deep and rather bothered tone.
“Ah, sweetheart! I know that you keep telling me that you're fine, but I’m still worried about you.”
A woman’s voice answered with a worried tone.
“Both me and your father agreed on you, living alone, but that won't change the fact that your……. ugh…… injury….. will heal by itself! If you somehow hurt yourself, then who is going to take care of you? I know that I'm probably being paranoid, but I can't help but feel worried. It's fine if you come back! There's nothing to be ashamed of by living with your parents.”
The dark-haired boy took a small breath before replying back to his mother.
"It's okay, I don't want to always depend on you, and I'm not ashamed of anything.”
“...But….”
“I simply want to get the most out of my life.”
“........Alright….. Hiroki…. Just make sure to call us if you ever have any problems. Also, don't forget to take your medicine.”
“I will.”
Hiroki responded before ending the call, his eyes narrowing as he clenched his own phone.
He remained in that position for a few moments before letting his arm loose and dropping his phone by accident.
This has happened to him before, which is why he casually tried picking up his phone again.
However, the moment he tried crouching down, a sudden pain like a shock went down his back, which made him wither down in pain.
‘..ghk!! N-not again!’ He cursed under his breath.
His body fell to the ground from the pain his back was experiencing.
He knew that lying on his side was going to ease his pain, as this wasn't the first time that had happened to him.
However, this time, his condition was only getting worse. His pain wasn’t going away, causing him to grit his own teeth in pain.
But right now, he couldn't really move, which is why he remained in that position until finally the pain was gone.
He didn't turn on the lights in his house, so right now he should be in the dark.
However, right as the pain and uneasiness on his body had disappeared, he felt a strong light bothering his eyes.
‘Is it finally over?’
He questioned himself as he was about to open his eyes.
He was already feeling much better, and there weren't any signs of his pain coming back. All of the anguish he had been experiencing earlier vanished as if nothing had ever happened.
‘Sitting down for too long on the rooftop wasn't a good idea... I should probably get up and take some painkillers…’ Hiroki thought to himself as he was about to open his eyes.
However, what he saw next, made him completely bewildered.
“.........”
He had found himself standing up in an old, dusty room with many broken objects lying on the ground.
The fact that there were spider webs and a ton of dust almost everywhere showed that this room had never been cleaned.
“Where am I?” Hiroki questioned himself.
‘And wasn't I laying on the ground some seconds ago?’ He wondered in his mind.
Many possibilities were going through his mind right now as he was trying to recall what could’ve happened to him.
He also knew that this wasn't a dream, because he was fully aware of his surroundings, and he could also see—
“......Why can I see through my hands?” Hiroki asked himself in disbelief, not understanding anymore what was going on.
And that wasn't all. When he looked even further down, his legs had turned into this almost see-through tail.
Was it a dream, after all?
No, it was impossible for this to be a dream since everything that he was looking at right now was incredibly detailed.
‘Okay, let's be calm for a second and think.’ He thought to himself. ‘I initially believed that I had been kidnapped before considering that I might’ve been in a dream. Despite the fact that it may sound absurd, I am certain that this is not a dream because if it were, I would have awoken right away.'
After concluding that to himself, he attempted to move himself towards where the window in this room was.
And luckily, it seemed like even though he didn't have legs, his floating body was able to move however he wanted.
He didn't feel tired. However, he sensed an extraordinary connection, enabling him to manipulate his unfamiliar body effortlessly using just his thoughts.
But that wasn't what was on his mind right now.
‘No luck, hmm…’
Hiroki thought to himself in annoyance the moment he looked out the window.
Everything out there was almost in the same state as the broken room that he was currently in.
It seemed like he was located in a certain abandoned village where everything in his sight was either broken or burned down.
And he couldn't recognize anything at all….
The fact that there also weren't any lights, cars, or any modern machines, made him think that he might be somewhere far away in a village that wasn’t that advanced or known.
‘Looking around the place would be the best option for my current situation.’ Hiroki thought to himself before attempting to move towards the door of this room.
However, the moment he tried opening the door, his hand moved past the knob as if his hands were almost nonexistent. He couldn't feel anything on his hand, and he didn't seem to be able to touch anything at all.
“.......”
Hiroki stared blankly at his hand for a moment before closing his eyes.
‘So, my worst assumption was right…’
It was obvious from the beginning, but he didn't want to think about the worst-case scenario.
At least not yet…
‘If my guess is right, then my hands won't be the only thing that will pass through.’
He thought to himself, his eyes narrowing at the thought of his assumption being right.
The reality of his current situation wouldn't change even if he decided that nothing was real.
Hiroki wasn't necessarily happy or mad, but the fact that this had happened to him so soon, made him rather pissed.
He had so many questions, yet there were so few answers.
And right now, here he was. He was dead. And somehow, he ended up as a ghost in an abandoned village.
I'm thrilled to announce the release of the reboot version of SAAGIAW. It's been a long road to get here, and I appreciate your patience and support along the way. I've poured my heart and soul into this novel, hoping to raise its quality and storytelling to new heights. However, I acknowledge that there may be areas that can be improved upon. Your feedback, critiques, and corrections are invaluable to me, as they help me grow as a writer. I'm also excited to tell everyone that I've already prepared several substantial chapters in advance to read, as well as some captivating illustrations. Some of these illustrations will be exclusive to my Patreon supporters, but fear not, I'll also be sharing them on this website for all to enjoy. Thank you for joining me on this creative journey. And I hope that this new version of SAAGIAW won’t flop. I'll be seeing you tomorrow with the next chapter! KrisVFX A special thanks to all of my Patreons for the support. Your generosity keeps me going! ⌈ Up to 20 chapters ahead are available on → Patreon ! ⌋ Also, don't forget to bookmark and favorite the chapter if you enjoyed it. ✦ ✦ ✦ |
You asked for criticism, so here it comes.
The start was a bit long. It does a good job showing the character's personality and makes us curious about him, but the narration seems to drag everything down for no reason, and most questions become irrelevent when he 'dies' (ex: what is that injury that will hurt for the rest of his life? Nevermind, it can't hurt him anymore. Why is everyone so afraid of him? Can't be just because he has a single fat but strong friend. Nevermind, none of them will come back in the story anytime soon).
I feel like by the end of the chapter, we would be at the same point with less than half the text, as the only things that carried over was that he is very smart (told, not shown) and the contradiction between what he told his mom and what we saw (says he wants to enjoy life but acts bored of everything).
And that wasn't all. When he looked even further down, his legs had turned into this almost see-through tail.
And luckily, it seemed like even though he didn't have legs, his floating body was able to move however he wanted.
So, does he have legs or not?
Thank you for your feedback.
I appreciate your input, and I will take it into consideration to make adjustments and shorten the narration where necessary.
Also, to address any confusion or lingering questions for new readers, I want to clarify that I intentionally provided a brief explanation of Hiroki's personality to lay the foundation for his future decisions. Instead of revealing the full and detailed backstory right away, I plan on gradually unveiling it in later chapters to maintain suspense and intrigue.
Regarding your last question, I think it was clear that Hiroki's first ghostly form does not have legs at this point of the story.
@KrisVFX Giving a bit a backstory to further reveal later and explain his coming decisions is a good idea.
I re-read it and even quoted it, but I only now see I misread the tail part. How embarassing.
Alright, so, since you're interested in criticism, I'll write down some thoughts on how to improve the reading experience. And let me preface this by saying the 1-2 star reviews are basically wrong its not bad, it just has space to improve.
1 - A little work on the prose would go a long way. This is as much about grammar and quality control as its about flowery language. At the moment, its very straightforward and kind of mechanical, plus certain words repeat two or three times in adjacent sentences. Everything is spelled out, and while that's not a bad thing, its sometimes better to deliver information about characters' intentions, the place and time, and other things, by describing actions and the environment.
‘Okay, let's be calm for a second and think.’ He thought to himself. ‘I initially believed that I had been kidnapped before considering that I might’ve been in a dream. Despite the fact that it may sound absurd, I am certain that this is not a dream because if it were, I would have awoken right away.'
This almost breaks immersion, because it reads like an explanation for toddlers. If I was the editor for this series, the entire "i initially believed... might've been in a dream" line would straight up go. The sentence is convoluted, and it adds nothing to the story. Narrating the thought process that the MC described there might be better than to have him spell it out and break the fourth wall.
2 - This might be intentional in the beginning portion of the chapter, but the writing *feels* kind of theatrical, and the mood of the game segment and real life segment are very similar. This one is difficult to articulate, but it partially comes down to the general level of interest other characters have towards the MC. People stare at him, talk about him, go out of their way to mess with him, all despite his reputation. The level of gratuitous violence in a school setting is at a level where the perp would be enjoying summer break in juvie.
If the video game segment isn't intended to be campy and theatrical, it's odd that the king would show open hostility and explain his plan and reasoning to the hero who's essentially a dead man standing. Why? To gloat? Even if this character is stupid and arrogant, it would be more appropriate to deliver this monologue after the hero is properly disabled and is about to die, for his own safety if anything. A different way to show that he's furious with the hero is by describing a menacing atmosphere or him gripping the throne he's sitting on till his hands turn blue. Though if this game is supposed to be wacky like that, this point is moot.
Well, I hope this will be helpful to ya. I actually played around with a similar premise, just without the litrpg elements, but never got around to publishing it. I'll be sure to check on this story again once more chapters come out :)
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@KrisVFX I have to admit, it started much better.
I also liked, how MC already lived like a ghostIt sort of makes the transition easier, like sort of a divine joke.
Also, after reading the chapter, I'd believe that the issue of pain will be reminded at times. Just as much as the friend.
I feel like MC was not living his life as he wanted. This is bound to bring frustration or cause depression (feeling "bored", tired of everything) .
With that it seems to me deeper than the previous iteration.
I do not mind some claim presence of "unnecessary things" , since I assume they were important to MC.
That all being said, good to see you back
Olá gostei muito do protagonista fantasma, faz um tempo que eu não vejo essa forma de reencarnação em outro mundo e a personalidade do personagem e perfeita para ele ser um fantasmas, espero ver mais capítulos
He was a dark-haired teenage boy in his seventies who wore a normal blue uniform.
Teenager in his seventies? Gramps dressing like a 'cool' kid with his britches 'round his knees, playin' that beep bop on his gramophone.
he could feel that he was able to make his new, strange body with just his thoughts.
Make to move? Maybe?
bruh im ret*rded. i didnt realize that this is from the same author who made green life
i still wish those bastards had a slower more agonizing death... oh well...
tftc
welp, im a newcomer here. if anyone wants to tell me how the old story went, feel free to tell me
LES GO!
hope this goes well.