“This is BULLSHIT” a voice reverberates through the floor “I OWN those houses and you’re saying I can’t get paid for their use? F-”

A shift of movement, Kay moves a pillow over his ears to try and block out the noise of the downstairs neighbour. Another argument with another local group. These have been happening here and there over the last couple of months. Thankfully, less and less.

After a slow start, Kay pulls himself out of bed to get some breakfast together. He was moved into this single-bedroom flat a couple of months after being shuffled away from some of the rare and intense scuffles.

Really he was just happy to be able to be left alone, finally getting some rest after years of pushing himself for the sake of expectations. At first he felt like he was letting people down, but the move in some ways distanced him from a lot of the expectations that were put on him, letting him get some much-needed decompression.

Still, it felt stressful to be doing just nothing, but what could he even do? He didn’t really have, “skills” that seemed like they’d be of any immediate help. What he was being pressured into before everything went down wasn’t a useful skill anymore, at least not in a way that was obvious.

Tea, a bagel, and some scrolling through what parts of the internet hadn’t been sabotaged. Tumblr felt like it was getting a comeback, at least. Comfortable, but antsy.

A knock at the door jolts him, losing some tea to the front of his shirt. Cursing, he puts on a dressing gown before answering the door.

Three people greet him once he gets the door open, familiar to Kay but only by reputation and from seeing them running local errands while he picks up things for himself in town.

Two of them are standing back in mid-conversation, quieting just after Kay opens the door. The one of the three who knocked is around his height, looking messy in a seemingly intentional way, boasting a bubbly smile.

“Hi there, we’re organising a supply run to out of town and we’re looking for help, we were wondering if you’d like to help?”

“Oh I- I don’t know if I can.” he speaks quietly, a shyness he’s been unable to shake off hanging onto every syllable. He involuntarily tries to figure out in just what way he’s wasting the time of the people at the door. “I don’t even know how I could help” he sheepishly adds.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to” She seems to be picking up on his nervousness, why does he have to- ”but we’ve all been cooped up and we just need more people so we’re not breaking our backs moving stuff, plus having enough people to keep each-other company would be a plus.” She sighs “Think of it like a mixer that also gets necessities and luxuries to some of the more isolated towns while everyone figures out more long-term infrastructure.”

He’ll mess it up. He’ll make people feel awkward, he’ll slip up and reveal just how pitiful and/or horrid a person he really is. But-

There’s not much pressure. It might be good and social. He wants to. Maybe it’ll suck, but it could be nice.

“Sure”

---

After 15 minutes of waiting at the address and time he was given, he was about ready to give up and go back home. They must have all left without him, after all who would want-

A tap on his shoulder interrupts his train of thought “Sup”

“AA!! HUH? Oh.”

“Hey! Sorry. I’ve been running late and I tried to get your attention but you seemed to be spacing out. You’re helping me take supplies out of town right?”

“Oh, yeah.”

A warm grin fills their face.

“Wonderful, we best get started then. We’ll be heading to the warehouse to pick stuff up, then after that we can head out.”

“Okay”

They turn around and start heading in the direction of a banged up van painted some very vibrant colours. Kay following behind them.

“What are we dropping off anyway” Kay asks, tentatively.

“All sorts of things! We’ve got some medication, toiletries, cables, computer components. The van’s a little small for some of the larger deliveries so it’s a bit of a hodge-podge of the smaller stuff. We’re basically just being a low-key courier service today, but like without the horrifying working conditions of old.” They wink. Kay feels fuzzy, a little overwhelmed after mentally preparing to head back home. But still, they’ve been isolated for a long while, this could still be good.

“Oh! I’m so rude. I’m Pastiche, or just Pat. Pat might be the preferred one of those, I can get a little self-conscious about the more pretentious name haha.” They scratch the back of their head, once again holding a wide – but this time more embarrassed – smile. “Also I use they/them pronouns.” their face gets a bit more serious ”I’ve had a bit of a week so if you get weird about that I will just find-”

“I WON’T- I won’t get weird about it.“ He interrupts their ramble ”Uh, I know a couple of people like that online.” though he avoids talking to them, it makes him think too much about things that stress him out ”I’m Kay, I guess I use he/him.”

Pat looks at him with a suspicious stare before their expression warms a little once again.

“...Well then! Let’s get started.”

---

The drive to the warehouse isn’t too long, at least not long enough for any deep discussion. Kay distracts himself with watching the houses go by, seeing various cook-outs with the weather being so good today. Pat suggests the two of them pick something up once they’ve moved stuff into the van, which gets a mumble of agreement from Kay.

Once they’re at the warehouse the job is fairly straightforward. The place was stripped of much of the more oppressive systems that it once housed, but a lot of the distribution hardware was still in place, repurposed as-is before better systems for the world as it might become can be designed and installed.

“You’ve been very quiet” Pat says, closing the doors to the van “Not that that’s a bad thing, but you know you seem chill enough and getting to know eachother might be fun.”

“I- I am not very good at talking. I’ve barely left my flat for anything but necessities since I moved here.” Kay sighs “before stuff shifted over for good, at least what seems like for good, I was under a lot of pressure and kind of went with a lot of it? I’m still figuring myself out. What I want to do, I mean. I-”

“That’s cool! I just wanted to check, you know?. I can carry a lot of conversation and you’re welcome to chime in, just want to let you know you’re welcome.”

Kay feels taken aback, being on-edge used to be the norm. But is this okay? Is he allowed this?

“Thanks, I’ll try.”

Pat shoots Kay another warm smile before they get back in the van.

---

The journey after loading up picked up in atmosphere, the two of them building light rapport. Pat carrying most of the conversation, Kay getting used to talking with them best he could. Kay has a subject in mind that he keeps swirling to internally, despite his best efforts. Eventually he tries to break the topic if anything to get it out of his head.

“When, um-” The words ache to try and get out.

“Hmm?”

“Sorry, I just” Kat tries to ground himself “I, wanted to know” another breath “about like,” and another, just keep going “like, gender- Gender. Stuff.” he shuffles awkwardly in the passenger seat of the van “I- You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, I’m just… curious, I guess.”

“Curious about ‘gender stuff’?” Pat’s initially panicked expression shifts into a more knowing, slightly mischievous one “What in particular?”

“Just like, when did you figure stuff out?”

“Oh my dear that’s a bit of an assumption” Pat says, getting a bit more dramatic in flair “I’m a work in progress. I think I always will be. But I guess you mean like, initial feelings? It’s been a while, at least 5 years?” a thoughtful expression comes over them “Those were some really intense times for me, I don’t think I’d have it any other way though- well, okay, I wish things were easier for me but. You know. The intensity of learning you can be something other than that which has always been assumed you will be is both chaotic and intense, in good ways and bad.”

Kay felt kind of, lost to those thoughts. Like he got an answer that was more reminiscing than helpful. What he was after was- No, he can’t think about that.

“But I guess you’re more asking like, what led me to realise I wasn’t cis?”

What- no- come back unhelpful answer that doesn’t make him think too much.

“I guess I just, realised I was uncomfortable in a great many ways. It’s been a while since I’ve given this spiel, sorry.” they take a breath “I was exposed to the existence of other trans people and realised how I was then didn’t feel like me. I felt alienated. Like things could be better but I didn’t know how.”

”I got exposed to so many other ways of existing and the idea that not only were there those other ways but the entire way we’re taught to is fake? Not like, materially doesn’t effect everyone it’s just that like individually we can do whatever but on a larger scale it’s all a real coercive mess that gets shaped by who has historically wielded what power cos- Sorry, bit of a tangent.”

Kay felt frazzled, like something internally began to shift. Something that desperately wanted to be reified.

“It’s, it’s cool…” he says, eyes darting about “Thank you.”

---

Rapport develops a little more between the two throughout the rest of the day, Kay still being relatively quiet but feeling more comfortable around Pat, having a lot to think about. Maybe too much.

“Aren’t you scared?”

“Scared of what?”

“That this will be fleeting, that things will go back to the way they were.”

They pull over the van

“That used to be one of the scariest things in the world to me. But as time went on, I realised that the things that kept things as they were didn’t exist anymore? At least, not in the way they had previously. Things will stay this was for as long as we reproduce it, fight for it.”

Letting out a sigh, they look at the stars.

”Also, stuff will probably change. It’s all a work in progress. What’s important is that stuff is active. It takes effort to maintain and reproduce, to work towards new things. Being cooped up in your head doesn’t get you there, you can spin wheels a lot and just end up panicking.”

“Wait, were you asking about gender or like...?” They wave their arms around as if to motion to everything. Then they smile, cartoonishly sticking out their tongue and winking. Kay giggles. There’s so much to think about. Maybe eventually, so much to do.