There was nothing to be done about it. I required a host. So, unless I wanted to risk finding out just how much a lobotomy would screw everything up, I just had to live with it. I needed to see, I needed to be able to interact with the world– to hear Nicole’s voice and see her face. I couldn’t even survive outside of a host indefinitely. And yet every waking moment was overshadowed by the primate mind trapped somewhere in this body.

I could only imagine the horror.

Did she miss her family? How much did she understand? Was she scared?

At the very least, I was taking care of her body. Her pain was my pain, her hunger mine. But it didn’t change the fact that I had stripped all autonomy from her. I had been so willfully ignorant. Yet I couldn’t ignore it any longer.

What the fuck was I supposed to do?

I just felt anxious, a writhing, knotted cramp in my stomach that just wouldn’t come out.

Nicole tried to comfort me, but it just made me feel sick. And yet there was nothing to be done because I wanted to live. It just… came at a horrible cost. I couldn’t bear to be touched. This body had evolved for climbing, not walking, but I couldn't bring myself to rely on Nicole. While I already missed her little touches, her touching me meant the primate experiencing it. And after the night we had shared among the Ioueeke, I couldn’t imagine my love being anything but a nightmare.

But it didn’t help. Putting distance between Nicole and I just made me feel worse. Nicole tried to be understanding, but that just resulted in her no longer offering to carry me, to simply accepting the distance for my sake. The night she didn’t even press a kiss to my temple as she wished me goodnight, left me tossing and turning horribly wide awake all night.

I just had to accept it. But when searching for any degree of acceptance, all I found was more guilt.

During my drama, all sorts of good stuff was going on. Little rovers had been used to infiltrate the insect hive. Upon remotely detonating the explosives strapped to them, the whole thing had collapsed, opening up a large pit perfect for mining. All of that chaos had been solved within a single day. Now the consistent controlled booms rattled the camp as the machinery was in full production mode. The trollies were running, bringing back all sorts of stuff. The robots were well underway building large solar panels and had even gotten to work on a massive, ugly blast furnace that would allow for steel production.

The village was industrializing.

I was miserable.

“Elsy,” Nicole sighed as she returned from working with Doctor Flanagan. “I don’t know how to help you move past this.”

I stared down at my drawing that had turned into a horrid, angry scribble. Did the primate like drawing? She had probably never even done it.

“Would a human host help?” Nicole offered. “Would that be better?”

“No,” I deflated. It didn’t matter the host; the result was the same.

Nicole didn’t approach me; instead, she walked around the tent to hang up her blazer. “Or an Ioueeke? One of the children would be a manageable size.”

“Nicole,” I gasped, horrified by her words. “How can you eveeeen offer that?”

“Because I care about you more than them?” She frowned, as if confused by my outrage.

I shook my head. It wasn’t Nicole’s first suggestion; she was just running out of ideas. She seemed desperate to somehow fix this.

“I don’t know what to do, Elsy,” Nicole grimaced.

“You don’t need to do anything,” I smiled sadly. “This isn’t your fault. It’s nnnot anyone’s fault. I just… I wish none of this had happened. I hate that she’s just trapped inside me, Nicole.”

Nicole stared at me for a long moment. Finally she nodded once. “I see.” She grabbed her blazer and walked right back out of the tent, leaving me alone.

I sat there in the empty tent for a moment and then another. What exactly had just happened?

I wish none of this had happened. Shit. I hadn’t meant it like that. Obviously.

Scrambling out of the tent, there was no sign of Nicole.

“I didn’t mean it! I don’t regreeet you!” I called out, desperately hoping she could hear me.

There was no response, no whistle. My words just drifted. Either she hadn’t heard me, or she was too upset to care. I rapped my knuckles against my head painfully. How could I have been so fucking stupid? After everything that had happened… why did I say it like that?

I was so terrible at everything. What was wrong with me? I couldn’t even cry in this stupid fucking meatsuit!

Having no other real option, I went back inside and waited. I did what one does when out of tangible options. I prayed.

“Please come back, Nicole. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

Nicole hit the send button on the communications console. The reply was immediate. She deleted the evidence of her communications, turned off the console and scaled the chainlink fence in two steps, dropping silently over the other side.

What a disaster this was turning out to be.

“I didn’t mean it! I don’t regreeet you!” the receiver buzzed faintly in her ear.

Nicole smiled. Oh, sweet ridiculous, Elsy. She already knew that, but it was still reassuring to be absolutely certain of it. Nicole made her way to the edge of camp and went south along the coast. She felt somewhat bad leaving Elsy to flail in her own panicked state. But Nicole guiltily needed a break, and Elsy needed to sort herself out. Clearly, it was not something she was capable of fixing herself.

Elsy was a marvel. A species that could make entire careers based on the discovery alone. What she did was fascinating, unbelievable. An incredible organism modified to hold a human consciousness. Magnificent.

It was a shame then that Elsy was so… Elsy.

Perhaps a needlessly cruel thought, considering Nicole rather liked Elsy.

Elsy was just young, still adjusting to life, and now experiencing a full range of emotions. A childhood at all would have probably done the woman wonders.

Nicole was angry, her thoughts too cruel. She didn’t like herself this way. Being gentle and kind was very difficult.

Nicole loved Elsy as much as she was capable of it; she was certain of it.

She didn’t know how to tell Elsy that she was only holding herself back without hurting her. But Elsy just couldn’t seem to escape her programming, all the desires and thoughts her consciousness had been built with. And considering Nicole’s own fascination with Elsy’s biology, Nicole couldn’t escape hers either.

It was a long walk to her destination. It gave her time to let her emotions calm. For as much as she valued her positronic brain, her mindless cousins seemed so much more content with their simple existences.

By now, Elsy had surely worked herself into a panic. Nicole felt equally guilty for not reassuring her and also generally exasperated. Perhaps Elsy would tire herself out in her absence, so she would finally sleep well through the night. It was a strange shift, Elsy isolating herself. Then again, she was used to being lonely. Perhaps it was simply easier for her while she sorted through whatever this was.

It seemed all rather tedious to Nicole. It was not that Elsy had some inherent right to kill and destroy as she liked, but Nicole certainly valued Elsy’s mind over some random primate. Considering the circumstances, it was unfortunate, but she saw little wrong with Elsy piloting whatever body suited her best.

Perhaps some philosopher would have a meltdown over such a puzzle, but to Nicole, it was not so complicated.

How could she make Elsy understand this? What other option was there? Her death? To just exist in eternal misery.

It truly was unfortunate that Elsy primarily understood the world through films and fairy tales. She was a romantic, something Nicole was certainly partial to, but it also caused some problems. Some naivete, guilt and pain where it wasn’t needed.

Nicole reached her destination and sat on a rock overlooking the sea. She wanted the best for Elsy. How could she encourage that when Elsy was blinded by what the Imperium had created her to be? She was shockingly brave despite the role she had been moulded to fill. Nicole knew Elsy could figure it out.

But it also hurt that Elsy isolated herself. Perhaps it would simply take time. They had it now. At least survival seemed increasingly more and more likely. It wouldn’t be long until factories would be constructed, resources would be automatic and renewable. Defences setup, turrets, walls, etc. Within weeks, what had been a pathetic little village would be a centre of steel and strength.

Though… considering how her work with Doctor Flanagan was going, they all might still starve. It was an amusing image. How ironic it would be to die in their castles of wealth because humans cannot eat gold.

Perhaps she should bring Elsy back out to the Ioueeke. Staying there even for a few days had revitalized her. She had seemed truly happy there, even when Nicole had been busy. Nicole’s need for fuel cells would always be a constraint, but Elsy could choose to remain. Though she did not speak the language, Nicole failed to see how their counsel would help her with her own internal guilt.

Nicole needed to be patient. She needed to be supportive. Elsy needed to figure these things out for herself; it was the only way it would mean anything. Nicole couldn't do it for her, and that… well, it left her feeling rather useless.

“Good evening, Nicole,” Matthew-076 greeted, descending out of the brush. It wore the same stupid suit.

“Hello,” she smiled. “That certainly took you long enough.”