I didn’t know her name. I only had a brief glimpse of her sleeping, weary form before I freed myself from the primate. Nicole facilitated. The woman struggled. I was stronger. I tried not to think too much about how horrible this was. I was already so, so sorry.

I blinked new eyes open, human eyes. I had never settled in so easily. I had spent months nested in a body not so different. I sat up, rolling out my new muscles. I wasn’t a bumbling clown; I knew how to use his form. It was almost just as weird a feeling.

I took the mask which Nicole had removed from the sleeping woman and slipped it back on. She cradled the primate against her chest with the other arm. She wasn’t fighting, or fleeing, just… very still.

What would this host be like once I moved on?

“I’ll give you a moment,” Nicole smiled. “I’ll grab a better filter for the mask.”

I nodded, and Nicole slipped out, gently rocking the primate. I wanted to apologize, but she certainly wouldn’t understand. I was horrible.

I sat alone in a stranger's bed.

“Hello,” I spoke aloud. The first words I had spoken in weeks. Words anyone could hear. I cleared my throat. “Hello.”

Obviously, there was no response.

“I’m really sorry to take over your body like this. I really hope you’re not aware of everything,” I began. “But well… in case you are, I’m really sorry. And this is totally temporary, just like… I don’t know, maybe a few days. Look, I… Nicole needs my help, and I need to be able to do everything I can. We’re also trying to fix the bioweapon spores if that helps. So I know it’s probably terrifying, but you’ll like Nicole, she’s really nice and… it’s temporary,” I added again.

The more I said, the dumber it felt, speaking to an audience of a hypothetical mind trapped within the body I now controlled.

“I’m really sorry,” I added weakly.

I didn’t really feel any better.

I stood, finding my balance fairly easy. I was taller, more muscular, rougher, and notably less pregnant. I picked up a small handheld mirror from the bedside table. I looked… different. Different face, different bones, different shape. It wasn’t me in the mirror.

“Sorry,” I grimaced.

She was older than Elizabeth. Maybe she had just lived a harder life, lived a life at all. Dark hair cut quite short. She had a scar on her chin. I wondered how she had gotten it.

Nicole slipped into the tent and silently held out a different mask. I smiled at her and put it on.

The primate was gone. She said nothing about it.

I didn’t ask.

I had thought I would be happier to have a human body. But in the end, it wasn’t really so different.

I set the mirror back down and quickly got changed into outdoor clothes. Shrugging on layers, high socks, boots, anything that would hopefully keep the monster-growing spores out.

Quickly, I was remembering how annoying the masks were. Given the current circumstances, I reminded myself to be grateful for it.

“How do you feel?” Nicole asked me, rolling out her neck.

“Like one of the white beasts,” I sighed.

“We all must make difficult choices in life, Elsy,” Nicole said, giving me a small smile.

“I know,” I grimaced. “I just… it must be terrifying to be trapped in your own body, controlled by some tentacled thing.”

Nicole nodded. I didn’t really know what I wanted her to say to that anyway. Her silence was probably the best answer there was.

No one was dead by the morning. During the night, the robots had even finished construction on four automated gun turrets to defend the spotlights. The wall would take time we did not have, but bullets certainly worked. Clearing out the spores, however… that was the real worry.

Almost all of the fancy filters had been destroyed in the explosion since they were mostly for medical sterile purposes. Even if you had one, spores could exist outside the body just fine, waiting for you to eventually remove your mask. And no one was even certain the spores had to be inhaled. No one really knew anything.

Which brought the discussion quickly to the one place that might actually have answers. The lab.

Tobias was already planning an expedition. It didn’t even take any convincing or shenanigans. Ugh, I hated him, but he wasn’t bad at making tough decisions.

My host wasn’t an officer, and I couldn’t waddle around relatively ignored anymore. People looked at me, smiled, and offered sympathies for my losses that I didn’t even know about. It was immediately too much; I hated it. I mostly stayed in her tent. Nicole and I didn’t really have our own space anymore.

I had no notebook to doodle in, no small collection of trinkets to reminisce over. The pebble I had finally won from the Ioueeke children was long gone. I had been so proud of that. Of course, then there was a whole other issue. I missed Nicole.

Not literally. We were okay. No more best friend fights. Admittedly, I was doubting the label. But we weren't dating. And I definitely couldn’t be her wife in someone else’s body. I couldn’t be close to her in someone else’s body. Okay, fine, yes, I was thinking about sex. Both how nice it had been and how horrible it must have been for the primate. I couldn’t even enjoy the memory once I realized what we had inadvertently done. I wanted to be sick. But that was pretty common these days. I was… starting to get a little used to it.

Nothing felt precious or scared. Not memories, not belongings, it was all fleeting. I had Nicole, but I couldn’t relax; I couldn’t just enjoy having her.

Once this was over. I promised myself that. Once this was over, Nicole and I would have our little cabin. And when Nicole had her lab in the barn or something, she could grow me a new body, one I didn’t have to steal and molest, one that could be mine. One with which I could kiss her and touch her and make her feel just as good as she had made me feel. I felt guilty for keeping that physical distance between us. The most I could be okay with was a cuddle here and there. I craved more. I couldn’t have more.

I just hoped Nicole wasn’t angry with me about it.

Downtime was the worst. I hated being left alone with my thoughts. They were rarely pleasant these days. Too much death. There had been too much death. I couldn’t escape it when I closed my eyes. What I had done, the mistakes I had made… I didn’t know how people did it. It was almost enough to miss the regulation implant, just… just a little. Or the morphine. Actually, the morphine would have mellowed me right out. Unfortunately, it had exploded.

So I just waited for Nicole to get out of the meeting. I waited and tried to think about absolutely nothing. I wasn’t having much success.

When Nicole returned, I jumped to my feet, ready for anything…

“Tomorrow, we're setting out tomorrow,” she informed me. “Tobias is at least seeing reason. The Commander will be holding down the forest while the rest of us make the hike and raid the compound, Tobias insists on detonating it once we’re done, which is, honestly, very predictable.”

“Okay, okay, that's good, right?” I asked, taking her hands.

“Yes, I think so,” Nicole nodded. “Tobias is bringing the most well-trained. Commander Alcantar isn’t happy about being left behind with largely an untrained militia, but as we do not know what we will be walking into, I think it’s a good choice.”

“How many are coming?” I nodded dumbly, excitement bubbling up within me. Excitement and lots of fear.

“Currently 12, but volunteers are welcome, so I suspect a few more by morning,” Nicole sighed. “We need to talk about this…”

“We are,” I frowned, not understanding.

Nicole rolled out her neck. “When something inevitably goes wrong, I want you to run.”

“What?” I huffed.

“We will be surrounded by androids, and God knows what lab-made horrors. I know you want to help, and I am also uncomfortable with leaving all these people to die, but please let them die rather than trying to be a hero, Elsy.” Nicole smiled weakly. “We just need to find an antidote of some kind.”

“And a repair pod,” I interrupted.

“And a repair pod,” she nodded. “And then we’re gone. Regardless of who we’re leaving behind. Okay?”

“I… Okay,” I reluctantly agreed. “Us over them,” I grimaced.

“Just… think of your host before doing anything,” Nicole pressed. “If need be, we’re being selfish for a good reason.”

I nodded, reluctantly but agreeably. “Yeah, okay.”

I didn’t want to leave anyone behind. But Nicole had a point. Blowing up the lab didn’t really matter. We needed an antidote and a repair pod; if we didn’t make it back with both, and our lives, then what was even the point?