Sore, tired, and locked in mortal combat. I punched the head janitor in the stomach. He kicked me in my knee.

“Bastard, I said stop on the 33rd floor, not 32nd.”

Another kick to my ribs got the point across. I reached for his ankle and tripped him before he could grab a chair. I bit, and his scream didn’t make the kick to my face feel so bad.

“You said 32nd you senile—“

Punched twice and a knee to my chest before I could finish my sentence. The man was old, but it was clear he had some form of training, unlike me.

“Get it through that thick skull, you dumb shit, 33rd, 33rd, 33rd.”

Each correction came with another strike. Two men trapped in a dead-end job, struggling in a shitty economy with a lot on the line.

“You’re gonna get us both canned.”

FreeGen’s Chemical Engineering. Nobody knew what they did, but those of us that worked there knew enough to not ask questions. Fifteen an hour and a paid week of vacation each year, for a janitor, you didn’t care what went on there. Neither of us could afford to lose the job. Even more so for him as a salaried employee.

I wrestled my way free and jumped to my feet. The man kicked like a mule, but I was young enough to take a bit of punishment. Grabbing a mop, I prepared myself for another round with the old man. He wouldn’t go empty-handed.

Mop bucket in his hand, the foul water sloshed with every step forward, and I backed away. I hadn’t changed it since the bathroom on the floor below. The book heads weren’t the most unsanitary people, but I still didn’t want that filth on me.

“Take it easy old man. That’s going a little too far.”

He looked at the disgusting brown liquid and smiled. “Wrong floor, and you haven’t even swapped out. You really are a sorry bastard.”

“Hey, hey, calm down. I’ll work doubles. I’ll take holidays. Just take it easy.” Cold sweat ran down my spine, and my legs trembled. “Let’s just talk this through.”

“Talk it through?” The head janitor chuckled at my suggestion and coiled his hips into position. “We’re way past talking, boy.”

I turned and ran with mop in hand, but he was too quick. With all his might, he tossed the filthy water in my direction. Time slowed, and every drop sparkled in the sliding glass door ahead of me.

The door opened, and two gallons of filth covered me as I slid across the white floor into a lab bench. Dazed, confused, and drenched with the vile liquid, I grabbed the mop and stood.

Uncoordinated and way out of my league, I swung wildly at the head janitor. He ducked, and I knocked a shelf full of chemicals to the floor. The world turned white, and I never heard the sound from the blast.

When my eyes opened next, I was lying on the floor of a high school gymnasium, mop in hand. My head hurt, and my body was numb, but I fought the grogginess and sat up. Less than twenty feet away, the head janitor still holding the bucket woke as well.

“What the hell did you do now, you idiot.” He scowled in my direction and tried to stand.

Before I had a chance to reply, a man entered the gym, snapping his fingers with the name Dave stitched on his coveralls.

“Oh, hey. I see you two finally woke up.”

I rubbed my eyes, unsure of what I was seeing, but there was no mistake. “Christopher Walken?”

“Oh. You know me?”

“Yeah, I love your movies. That line in—“

“Stop. Just stop. See, you got it all wrong. That’s a part-time gig. That’s not why you’re here.”

“What the hell is going on.” The head janitor finally got to his feet. “I don’t know what games you jokers are playing, but if I don’t get some answers...”

Christopher Walken jumped back a little, startled, then snapped his fingers. The head janitor’s lips sealed shut, and he turned to me.

“Now look. I ain’t got a lot of time. Got a lot to do. So I’m gonna give you two a chance you ain’t gonna get nowhere else. You understand?”

I didn’t understand, but I nodded anyway. Watching your favorite actor seal a man’s lips shut makes you understand even if you don’t.

“Alright. So. You two really caused me a lot of trouble. A nightmare I gotta deal with now.” Christopher Walken spun on the floor and snapped both fingers in my direction. “So they got this demon lord problem on a my buddy’s world. But the rules are the rules, you know? He can’t stop it. You two are gonna help out.”

Demon lord. Buddy. World. Not sure if I was star struck or delusional. I couldn’t stop nodding. “I thought God took care of demons. And your buddy’s world?”

He did a quick tap dance and slide, then turned back.

“You see, the big guy’s a busy guy. He doesn’t have time to clean up everything you guys do. Not on every planet. So he made minors like me. You know. To clean up the messes.”

“Wait, does that mean you’re a...”

“Ay. I’m the god of janitors.”

God of janitors? What the hell was that?

“If you’re God, does that mean I’m dead?”

“Whoa, whoa. Watch it. I ain’t the big guy. I’m the god of janitors. And what are you talking about? Why so morbid? You’re sitting right here. You ain’t dead.”

I finally stood up and felt my body. Still holding a mop and my work uniform, everything felt normal. Even the stink. “So why are we here?”

“You got a hearing problem? I already told you. My pal’s got this demon lord guy. Really giving him the business, you know. You two made a mess I gotta clean up. So you’re gonna help me out here.”

His explanation made as much sense as his scuttling backward while snapping his fingers. But he was clearly in control as I couldn’t move my body any longer, so I stopped questioning him.

“So here’s the deal. I’m gonna send you two over there to—“

“Look here, bastard, cut the shit!” The head janitor somehow broke free from the lip seal. “You better start answering my questions, or else.”

With a wave of Christopher Walken’s hand, the head janitor disappeared. “Ok, guess he’s a sidekick. Now then. You should be thankful. Not many get this chance. But don’t worry. As the god of janitors hero, you’re gonna get my blessing. Now go. Clean up my buddy’s mess, and he’ll give you a reward.”

Before I could say another word, he snapped his fingers, and I was soaked in filthy water once again. My head was fuzzy, and everything was dark, but I recognized the voice.

“You, you, you bastard. You better get the... ah, ah.”

The head janitor was seething, groaning, and moaning at the same time. I shook my head to clear my senses, but I couldn’t move at all. Finally, a firm grip pulled me into the air. The head janitor sighed in relief, and the world around me brightened.

Marble floors, stained-glass windows, statues, and paintings. A golden-domed ceiling with a fountain in the center of the room. I had never been to a palace, but I couldn’t imagine I was anywhere else.

Water dripped as the head janitor moaned below me. I turned my eyes, a beautiful young woman—dressed in a provocative black and white maid’s uniform—held me in her vice-like grip with a stern face.

I tried to protest, but she didn’t hear me. She jammed me into a grated crevice and grabbed the handle above me, no doubt a crushing device. I screamed for her to stop, but she didn’t respond. The head janitor moaned.

The walls closed in as she squeezed the handle shut, a wave of pleasure overtook my body, and the head janitor groaned once more. The giant maid pulled me back up, and a spring-like snap followed by a gasp left the head janitor’s mouth—the last of the water released from my body and emptied into the bucket below.

[ New skill acquired -> Squeeze and squirt]

A small screen filled my eyes, and soon a second.

[New system message. Do you wish to view?]

With a thought, a large screen opened up in front of me.

[So you know. Now you’re my hero or something. Here’s the deal. You’ve been reincarnated or whatever. But my buddy couldn’t wait for a human to grow up. This demon guy is really sticking it to him good. So he messed with things a bit and kind of birthed you as something else. I gave you this system to help out. You’re welcome. Now get going. You gotta kill this demon lord. You gotta kill him good. Don’t mess this up, or you’ll make me look bad. Just think status, and you’ll get some info. That other guy, he’s your sidekick now. Use scan, and you’ll learn some stuff. I gotta go. Another mess to deal with.]

The maid slammed me to the floor and pressed me back and forth. I could do little to resist. The head Janitor continued to moan. “You bastard. You’re, you’re gonna pay for this.”

Confused, I did as Christopher Walken told me and thought [status].

[Name: Derek Franklin]

[Level: 1]

[Race: Wet Mop]

[Titles: Janitor God’s Hero]

[Objective: Evolve and Defeat the Demon Lord]

[Skills: Scrub[1]; Swipe[1]; Streak[1]; Scan[1]; Squeeze and Squirt[1]]

The maid scrubbed the floor, back and forth, then dunked me into the water once more. The head janitor cursed and then moaned when she squeezed the excess liquid from me. As she cleaned the surface with my body, I looked at the bucket and thought [scan].

[Gerald Plunkett]

[Level: 1]

[Race: Mop bucket]

[Titles: Hero’s sidekick]

[Objective: Assist the hero]

[Skills: Four Wheel Rotation[1]; Splash Guard[1]; Wringer[1]; Liquid Receptacle[5]]

With every dip inside, the head janitor cursed; with every squeeze, he moaned, and I couldn’t stop laughing.

Somehow, Christopher Walken turned me into a mop, and my boss became a mop bucket. If it was a dream, I wanted to wake up, but every speck of dirt that clung to my corded body told me it wasn’t.

Evolve and defeat the Demon Lord. My only objective. What a joke.

UYScuti

Hey, welcome to whatever this is. I wrote this as a counter to my more serious work, Stitched, and saw so many “I was born as a ...” I decided to try. It’s probably gonna stay as a one-shot, but I might develop it further eventually. Thanks for checking it out.