2. Salty
Finnel didn’t know how long she could keep on smiling, pretending nothing was wrong. Though she practiced smiling even when she hurt inside with the memory of Saki quietly murmuring to Aoto in the middle of the night that she loved him, giving him that sweet smile of hers, hurtling Finnel towards turmoil. Finnel’s other personas were aware of her increased heartrate and gritted teeth. She stomped her bare feet through the rough sand, a gritty texture that she loathed to get on her fancy dress with its clean pressed frills and bows, but right now, Finnel needed to clear her head, get the fresh air of the salt and ocean. Her personas were her facets, separate personalities she created to cope, and they whispered in a cacophony of voices like various ghosts and phantoms, whispering like Saki whispered ‘I love you’ to Aoto, the shape of her lips forming those words that Finnel couldn’t express herself.
The memories of darkness, humiliation, and loneliness…she didn’t want to be in the cramped storage compartment where her parents hid her away, as thought she were a blight upon the world. For what she is. She wanted to be seen, but with dirty feet and dirty nails, she would run barefoot much like she did now on the streets and then she was locked up into the dark storage space as punishment. The fact she couldn’t make friends...she remembered someone who pretended to be a friend by praising Finnel’s singing voice (which she was quite proud of, honestly) and then this friend spread nasty rumors that Finnel was a dirty little whore that allowed men up her frills and ribbon dress, and Finnel swore until she became blue in the face, exhausted with all the toe-curling insults she shouted at that girl only ended up with her being locked in that dark place again, where rat droppings and must and mildew lingered even now.
Her depressingly persistent bad luck pursued her relentlessly, where her general klutziness often brought the scorn of other people for breaking dishes at the diner that she hauled butt at everyday, and men constantly pawing at her and giving her the ‘whore’ reputation from that one said friend that wanted to share all Finnel’s uncomfortable and dark secrets with everyone else. It pursued to the ends of the Earth and the freefall plunge to Hell. Finnel was destined for misfortune. Eventually, she will be alone again.
“Finnel,” a voice called. “What’re you doing out here all by yourself? Everyone was wondering where you were. We were all worried.”
Finnel’s bare feet sunk in the sand as she paused. The ocean waves lapped against a tranquil background, the stars strewn and reflecting on the ocean’s surface. Finnel lip quivered. Her back faced him, though she tried to practice her smile like always. That’s how it always went, didn’t it? Once her smile stretched taut upon her lips, she spun on her heel to turn around and stare at Aoto, before she mustered up the brightest smile she can manage. The pain wrenched her guts, though at least no one would suffer with her, right? If she didn’t let others know how she really felt, then they wouldn’t know what a fuck up she was. How much of a crybaby she was and dependent on imaginary constructs to keep her company because she could never make real friends. Why? Because her bad luck would catch up to anyone she ever cared about. What if Aoto’s reputation suffered because that one girl she would’ve called a best friend a long time ago would share all of Finnel’s embarrassing secrets with Aoto, especially the one secret that she woudn’t let anyone else know about. The more he dove into her Cosmosphere, the more he knew about her, and if he knew everything about her and saw that secret about her...She couldn’t let that happen to HIM, of all people.
“Hey, I’m fine! I mean, I was just out taking a walk, there’s no need for anyone to worry--“
A hand gently caressed her cheek. “You’re crying.”
Finnel wiped a hand across her eyes and her dampened cheeks, to her surprise. She was so stupid for breaking down like this--she should be used to this by now. Why did she even try? It seemed everything ended up in futility, like how Finnel tried to overcome her fear of spiders and everything positively reptilian but it only ended up with other people pranking her with fake toys of spiders and reptiles or perhaps the real thing to see her squirm and let out an ear shattering shriek as she cowered behind a box or a chair or whatever would provide coverage against those things. Of course, during this time, she would trip and stumble over her own twintails and she one time nearly landed into a questionable patch of something on the ground while running away from a live snake. Someone like her didn’t deserve happiness; she was a bad girl, and bad girls deserved to be punished. She wanted to tell Aoto she didn’t deserve her friends, that she didn’t deserve him, but she couldn’t voice any of these thoughts and she simply wrapped her arms around Aoto’s steady shoulders, holding her tears in. Yet when Aoto returned her embrace, the tears flowed freely.
Didn’t she want to held like this? For how long? A mother’s embrace, perhaps a lover’s embrace? Could she even pretend that Aoto and her were lovers? Because how was it possible someone as strong, sturdy,and reliable as Aoto would fall in love with filth like her. A dirty girl, an embarrassing girl that belonged in squalor and rat infested places. She was garbage--she was the most terrible, the most unlucky, and most broken girl that she’d ever known. Because deep in her Cosmosphere, deep underneath the layers of tough girl Finnel that she tried to portray to the world, she wanted to be humiliated and demeaned. She wanted Aoto to spit on her, insult her, look at her with scorn and she would welcome the challenge of him saying the filthiest and most demeaning things to her. Despite the fact, as much as she would protest that was quite a normal girl, thank you very much—that friend who spread rumors about her, the people making fun of her and pranking her with reptiles and everything else, she actually secretly enjoyed the attention she was getting from others, even if it was negative attention. No, that wasn’t quite right either. There was something deeper to this, Finnel refused to admit this to anyone, but she liked the humiliation. To be treated so gently and tenderly, with the loving teasing note to Aoto’s voice towards her without ever shredding her dignity...she didn’t know how to feel. Some part of her expected Aoto to shudder and run away when he entered into the deepest levels of her Cosmosphere nad into the awaiting arms of Saki. She wanted more of his touch. She wanted Aoto to only look at her and whisper the words ‘I love you’ right back to her. She wasn’t beautiful like Saki. She wasn’t graceful like Saki. She wasn’t...enough…
Finnel sobbed lightly into Aoto’s chest. He must’ve thought of her as a big crybaby; clumsy Finnel must’ve looked stupid breaking down. Yet somehow…Aoto soothed her fears with a word or a touch. He rubbed a comforting circle on her back, much like a parent would to a crying child, and Finnel was sure that she was regressing into a crying mess that could barely function.
What was wrong with her? What was wrong with him? Why was he staying? Why didn’t push her away, why didn’t he stare at her with cold eyes that knew her every vulnerability and mental illness? Why wouldn’t he spew hateful words of how disgusting, how filthy, how terrible she was?
Aoto never one glanced at her with eyes that scorned her, and yet Finnel expected that day to come every time he dived into her Cosmosphere. When he started making his way into the deeper levels, Finnel became more irritable and the storm signals in her Cosmosphere reflected the rainy moods and torrential tears that would follow in panic-induced meltdowns at Aoto seeing the real her.
And yet…
He lightly tilted her chin so that she was directly looking into his eyes…before he planted sweet kisses on her cheeks. He showered her face in kisses, tracing the paths where the tears have fallen, kissing them all away. It brought relief and a warm feeling tingled from the top of her head down to her toes. Even if emotions, even ones as sweet as this, were temporary, Finnel could still feel her chest burst with all kind of emotions—the aftereffects of a good cry, relief, and something else. What was it?
“Aoto…” Finnel rested a hand against Aoto’s chest gently. “Thank you.”
Aoto planted a soft kiss on her lips. “You haven’t let me all the way in yet, Finnel. If you’re afraid that I’ll hate you for knowing the real you, then you’re dead wrong. I’m here for you…okay?”
Finnel nodded. “Yeah. I know. I just…”
“Ssh…” Aoto whispered, before he kissed her again, soft and sweet. Finnel felt the stirrings of emotions that she never felt before--it came through her in a powerful rush, something almost cathartic. She closed her eyes, melting into the kiss. Even if she was a bad girl who deserved her terrible misfortune…she should at least be allowed this one small chance of happiness.
Editing Pass Number 1 - December 29,2020
