Do you find that your depression worsens when you're around happy people?

I think it's such a catch 22 because when you're going through depression you're encouraged to reach out to friends and family for support. For me it is doing the opposite. It makes me feel more isolated. More unreachable. I know that I can't bring them down with me and be this toxic energy than impacts them negatively too, so I just don't interact.

Some background: I've taken a variety of medications since the age of 8 to cope with what was diagnosed as depression. I was not abused physically or emotionally. There was no major trauma that happened to me. My default operating mode is numbness. I cannot think of a time when I was genuinely happy and not faking from empathetic when someone dies, or motivated to salvage a relationship marred by my emotional neglect. This is how I am off any meds AND on meds (to varying degrees depending on the SSRI.) I started taking Wellbutrin which is NOT an SSRI this past week and I'm finally feeling again. Feeling terrible. Like the emotions that haven't processed in 20 years are all here at once. Despair, sadness, and anxiety. It is a pain which I can recall feeling when I was that 8 year old before starting meds. I understand why there is a correlation between anti depressants and suicide now. When you've been numb for the majority of your life and all of the sudden you can feel again, you have no idea what the fuck is happening to you. It makes you question who the fuck you are. This is seen as an adverse effect, but I honestly feel like it is doing exactly what it should be doing. I feel more connected to myself and my cognitive function is markedly better. The issue is that what i am feeling is an all encompassing pain that I cannot run from and circles around my brain replaying a track that makes me hate everything that I am. I suspect this is why I started numbing as a child. Because the truth for me is that life is pain and I cannot live the rest of my life in a numbed out state just to not hurt those that love me. I refuse to be hospitalized and drugged and then sent on my way again. That would just add trauma to the mix. *

I guess I wrote this just to put it out there. I have read so many posts on here from people who are depressed and their stories of trial and error to just get their head above the water in order to see if there is anything on the horizon. i keep hoping to find some connection or resonance in someone's story. Proof that there is hope and that the acuteness of my pain is not unique. I read stories about people in pain but still feel empty and alone. There isn't a strength in solidarity for me because I've never felt a connection to this world. I do have a therapist who I speak to on a weekly basis that is aware of my history and current state.

Whoever is reading this, I hope you find something that gives you some peace of mind and a chance to feel what true happiness is.