Lilly begrudgingly tore herself out of bed. The body was hungry and Ian was showing no signs of returning to front.

She hobbled into the kitchen and then stopped when she realized that she had no idea what to do. Ian loved to cook; that was a passion of his! But she couldn’t. She’d always just relied on him for that. So she scrounged around and eventually found something easy enough to make. If only Ian would come back.

Later that day she decided to go shopping to have some easier food to get through. She walked out to her car—to Ian’s car, she corrected herself—unlocked the door, and slid into the driver’s seat. And then promptly realized she didn’t know how to drive, either.

Thankfully enough Ben chimed in that he had enough experience from driver’s ed to be able to take the wheel. Lilly let out a sigh. If they’d had to start using the public transit that would’ve been a disaster.

 

Claire had been seeing Ian in the break room during lunch hour for the past few days, and it was getting hard to keep finding excuses to leave. This was where she usually ate, too. But seeing the way he looked at the moment… he could probably use someone to talk to.

So, setting her reservations aside for the moment, she went over and sat across from him, flashing him a sad smile. “Hey, Lillian. It’s been a while.”

He had a guarded expression on his face as he looked up at her. “Oh, Claire, yes it has. Hi. How have you been?”

She giggled. “Really, that’s what I should be asking you, you know? You look like piss.”

“Mmm. That’s what I feel like. It’s… been a rough few days.”

Claire looked around, confirmed that nobody was within earshot, and leaned forward conspiratorially. “Who’s fronting right now?”

“It’s Lilly right now.” She sagged in her chair. “And that’s the issue. It’s been me for far too long.”

“Uh, what? Do you mean it’s not Ian who’s usually fronting?”

“It is. It’s just the past few days that he’s been missing.”

“He went missing?”

“Yes.” Lillian nodded somberly. “He ventured into the depths of our subconscious to, and I quote, ‘dig up skeletons’. He hasn’t returned. And if I were to follow him—”

“So you are actually plural, then? Sorry, I meant to follow through with that whole thing, but you know, things have been busy and…”

“You’ve been avoiding me is what you mean to say.”

Claire cringed a bit. “Yeah, okay, maybe I have. I just…”

“I think that’s one of the things that Ian has gotten so torn up about. You dropped this plurality thing on him and then left him to his own devices. Same thing with being trans but that wasn’t entirely your fault. To be completely fair: he’s done fine on his own by doing research on the internet, but he kept trying to flag you down so he could ask you a bit about it personally. Did you even notice?”

Claire turned away and took a breath. It hurt somewhat to know that her behavior had caused Ian to blame her. That wasn’t what she had wanted to happen. But facing her own feelings about him hurt even worse. This was exactly what she wanted to avoid.

She let out that breath in frustration. “I’m sorry. It’s just, it wasn’t a good time. I started having problems of my own, too. And then…”

“And then, let me guess, you kept putting it off and you were afraid of facing him because you were worried about how he would take it, especially after waiting for so long. Like what’s happening right now, between you and I?”

Claire gulped and nodded.

“That’s okay, Claire.” Lillian adopted that sad smile of hers again. “Ian does the exact same thing sometimes. It can get really frustrating, and that’s when I usually step in and push through whatever it is.” She shook her head. “But, no, that’s totally fine. I don’t blame you at all, and I’m sure he doesn’t, either.” She reached across the table and laid a hand on Claire’s shoulder. “So, would you be comfortable telling me what it is that’s bothering you?”

She shook her head. “Maybe not yet. I don’t know. I need to have this conversation with him, you know?”

“Yeah, that’s reasonable.” Lillian nodded. “If he shows up, I’ll let him know you were asking after him.” She went back to picking at her instant noodle lunch and Claire felt a little bad for her.

“So, you’re just gonna go on without him?”

“Yes, it sure seems that way. There’s not much I can do.”

 

The next day, Claire once again sat across from Ian. She noticed that today she had packed herself a sandwich with some snacks, a step up from yesterday’s meal.

He looked up at her and nodded in greeting. “Hey Claire. Nice outfit today.”

She blushed. It was the same thing she had worn yesterday. “Is that Ian in there?”

“Nope, I’m Ben. Pleased to meet ya.” He ate his meal, looking around the room at random.

“Well that’s good. Lillian is a little… intense.” So Ian had a third headmate? She wondered how many of the little buggers were running around in there.

“Mmmh. That they are,” he muttered. He spoke somewhat quietly, and barely made eye contact with her.

“They?”

“Yup, they changed their pronouns. It seems like experiencing this body firsthand and getting their first real feel for it affected them quite a lot. They’re actually questioning their own gender now that they don’t have Ian around to absorb all the feelings of dysphoria so they could ignore it.”

“That sounds like a really unhealthy relationship. Wow.”

“Ah, yeah. That’s kind of how it’s always been, and it worked for us to shield things from our parents. But yeah, especially so now since Ian was reading a bunch of stuff about this trans stuff and it’s clogged up our thoughts. I wonder what they’re up to. They asked me to handle today for them while they figured stuff out.”

“Do you think they’re gonna finally drop everything and let you transition?”

“No, they won’t just jump straight into the deep end. Lilly wants to be careful and make sure nothing bad happens. Especially with, um, our parents… But it sounds like coming out here at work is an eventual goal, at the very least.”

Claire gulped as she imagined Ian continuing down the path of transition he was on. Binding his chest, wearing a packer, hormones giving him a deeper voice and facial hair. It made her heart sink to think about. So she bit her lip and put it out of her mind.

“What about you, Ben? Are you… excited for all this?”

He smiled shyly. “I’m mostly along for the ride. But I’m not opposed to any of the changes. I’m happy that things are moving forward a bit. It was stressful to witness the struggle that was happening.”

Claire nodded. Neither of them talked for the rest of the meal, and Ben eventually got up and left without a word.

 

It was morning break on Friday that Claire caught sight of Zeus. It had been a while for the two of them and they spent a few minutes catching up.

And then Lillian strode up to their table with the sort of smoldering determination that only Lillian has. They didn’t sit down, instead opting to stand there and regard the two of them with a smug grin. “Hey, Zeus,” they crooned. “So about that info you emailed to me the other week…”

“Oh yeah? What about it?” he responded, genuinely curious.

“Well! I’ve settled on my identity, and I’m pursuing further action. That means: I called the number you gave me to setup an appointment for HRT, and I started ordering things online through the sellers you recommended. Really, it’s such a relief to get things moving.”

“Oh wow, Ian, that’s fantastic! Well done!” Zeus said.

“Ah, yeah, and it’s not Ian anymore, I’ve decided. You can call me Nil. They / them pronouns.”

“Oh, cool! I’ll try to remember that from now on then. Don’t worry, you can totally change it up as much as you want until you feel comfortable. I’m here for you every step of the way, sib.”

Nil grinned broadly. “Aww, thanks Zeus. I appreciate you being there for me. But I think I’m pretty much settled with this.”

Meanwhile, Claire was rubbing her temples. Lillian, the old Lillian, had realized that he was actually Ian. But then he had a protector alter who took his deadname, but only until they realized they were an enby, and changed their name to Nil. And there was a third one named Ben. And that wasn’t even to mention Amelia who was the genderbent alter ego of Ian and had her own nickname to boot. It was all too much to wrap her head around. She just simply wanted her friend back.

“Hey, Nil, so…” She looked up at them. “Remember what we talked about the other day? Is that still gonna happen?”

“Oh, yes of course Claire. I’ll get back to you during our lunch break.” They continued chatting amicably with Zeus. They had that polite demeanor about them that Claire used to think was a little bit too forced. But now she wondered if that was really a mask or a genuine part of their character.

 

The next couple hours came and went and as the dreaded meeting crept closer Claire’s stomach twisted into knots. She fidgeted and continually got distracted from her work. It would be okay though, she told herself: it was just a matter of time ‘til it would be done with.

She would admit her true feelings for Ian and then she could leave him alone for good.

The clock reached two minutes before the time allotted for break and she looked over her workstation once more. This draft of a promotional email hadn’t changed much at all today but Claire had at least managed to pump in another two paragraphs of lifeless corporate copy text. She sighed and locked her computer before getting up and stretching her aching limbs. Then she flashed her trademark grins at her coworkers who were roused by her movement and skipped out of the room. She was always the first to leave, it had nothing to do with the stress she was under. She just didn’t see how people could stand to wait through that dreadful limbo when the clock ticked away the final seconds of the day. She had found a balance that let her get away with the act to her managers.

Being slightly early as such, she only ran into a few people on the way to the break room, gently excusing herself along the way. She went to the generously company-provided minifridge which only took two too many meetings to discuss having installed and pulled out her usual grocery store prepackaged salad. It wasn’t fancy but she had found a trick that let her find them cheap and fresh every morning on her way to work, and it was a good food-tine to keep. (That’s food routine for those not in the know).

She sat down at an empty table and for a few blissful minutes just focused on eating. Then she finished. And she looked up and saw Ian having sat across from her, having put his lunch aside for the moment. And he looked at her with that despondent, tired look that made her know it was him.

She couldn’t keep distracting herself forever.

“Ian, I…”

“How did you know it was me?” he asked.

She felt thrown off for a moment. “Well, I just know. It’s something I can tell because I’ve known you for so long.”

“But you didn’t know I was plural for very long,” he pondered, rubbing his chin. “It was that one Sunday you were taking care of me and you told me you figured it out.” He scowled. “And I haven’t seen you since then.”

“I’m sorry.” Claire looked down at the empty plastic container of her meal. “I shouldn’t have avoided you for so long. It’s just… this is really hard for me to talk about.”

His eyes began to tear up. “Enough for you to abandon me when I needed you most? Enough to risk our friendship?”

“Yes! Ian. I—” She tried to swallow the lump in her throat. She felt so guilty now, seeing him so vulnerable in front of her. She couldn’t believe herself. She had failed him as his friend.

“You… what?” he asked, softly.

“I had a crush on you, Ian. The way you were before.” She sighed. “And that feeling hasn’t gone away. And I know I’m not attracted to guys, so I shouldn’t be attracted to you, but I still am…” She shook her head. “But it’s really hard for me to imagine you going through your transition even though I know it’s what’s best for you. And it sucks to know that you ended up not being attracted to me after that week that you were, like, hyping up being a lesbian! But dammit, Ian, I’m still attracted to you, and I want to be there for you and care about you, and cuddle with you more, and get close to you—but that can’t happen anymore, can it?!”

Claire let out a shaky breath and realized there were tears streaking her cheeks. Quieter, she said, “so that’s why I’ve been avoiding you. Because it can’t work between us. And we can’t just go back to being friends, either.”

Claire let her shoulders drop and sobbed. It was over. She had said what she needed to, and now she could leave. She looked up and saw Ian brooding over her words. The others in the room were quiet, clearly pretending not to have heard her outburst.

She got up and took her trash to the wastebin, then left the room, finding somewhere empty she could brood in her emotions. She found a quiet corner and—

“Claire,” Ian said from behind her. She turned around and looked at him.

“Stop following me. I want to be alone,” she told him.

“No.” He clenched his fists. “You don’t get to decide what I do.”

“Nil?”

“I’m sick and tired of letting people decide what’s right for me. Telling me who I am. Why, I oughta—!” He suddenly winced and held his head in his palms, muttering under his breath. “No, no, no, no…”

“What the hell?” Claire muttered. She put her hands on Ian’s shoulders.

She watched him, her worry overpowering her internal conflict. Ian was totally unresponsive for half a minute. Claire squeezed his shoulders and waited for any sign of life.

Then, in a daze, he lowered his hands and looked at her. “Claire?”

“Ian?”

“Yeah, it’s Ian again. I’m sorry.” His torn emotions showed themselves again on his face. “I was really upset. Please don’t leave. I need a friend right now.”

“No, sweetie—what you need is a good therapist.” She wrapped him up in a tight hug. “But I’ll be here for you too. Don’t worry.”

As much as she possibly could, she thought, before it became too much for her.