My career has been characterized by luck. I wish I could attribute my meteoric rise through the corporate ladder to my own talents and abilities, but that would be a lie.

It all began after I graduated from college at the age of 22 with a degree in Computer Science. I started my career as a software engineer and met a blonde pretty-boy named Taylor who had the same position as me. He was awful at his job. He tried his hardest, but he was terrible at everything, and I had no idea how he’d gotten his position. I ended up needing to fix nearly everything he did, but he treated that as a matter of course. Despite all of this, I genuinely liked the guy. He was jovial and friendly, but also a bit inept and self-centered. I spent an entire year helping Taylor learn his position, and by the end of that year, he might’ve been better than I was. I had no idea that my good relations with him would throw my career into overdrive. 

Turns out, he was the son of the dude who founded the company I worked for. He was working as a software engineer because his rather idealistic father thought that his son should know all of the inner workings of the company before he took over. He placed Taylor into various roles which he had no idea how to perform and left him to figure it out, all while disguising that the new, inept worker was actually his son. When Taylor returned to his father he made sure to embellish my achievements as much as he reasonably could. Almost immediately I jumped several positions on the corporate ladder. I went from a code monkey to managing several teams of developers in the span of a day. 

To say that I was unprepared for this jump would be an understatement. I had quite a bit of experience coding, and I would say my social and managerial skills are above average, but nothing could’ve prepared me for this big of a leap. The people who were reporting to me were twice my age! My salary octupled! Was it really okay to be this lucky? 

I learned a lot over the next few months. I made a few mistakes, but they were forgiven quickly. Eventually, I grew into the role and received yet another promotion.

Skipping forward a bit, I’m 29 years old, and I’m now responsible for the entire software side of the company and report directly to Taylor, who is now the owner.

I’m a virgin.

Yep, me, one of the most successful young men in the entire country hasn’t managed to get laid. I was unpopular in high school, so no chance there. I spent my time at college focused on my future career, so also no chance. After college, I had no time for dating because I was either teaching Taylor or attempting to perform in a role that was way above my level of expertise. My current success has made it incredibly hard to find a partner, so much so that I’ve decided against having a partner at all. Most women I’ve run into either want to con me or are looking to become trophy wives. Not exactly a great environment for finding love.

I’m turning 30 in a month. I don’t want to be a 30-year-old virgin, but the only option for me is a hooker. Isn’t that even more embarrassing than being a virgin? I think it’s time that I officially swear off looking for a partner, and just focus on my career. At least, that’s what I was thinking before yet another golden opportunity fell into my lap.