I’m now standing in a field of grass, in a grove bordered by trees in the distance. A figure stands by the nearby lake, solitary and still, not far from an equally solitary tree with mighty roots and proud branches. I shield my eyes from the overhead sun, as I move towards the figure, feeling my feet crush blades of grass, but perhaps more promisingly, feeling that I still had a body. Perhaps that was a sign of hope, or was it just a premonition for whatever torment I face next? Hard to waterboard an entity with no body, after all.
As I move closer, I notice the figure has long, dark gray hair and a katana at her waist, an accessory to her robe-like coat which went down to knee level around the back. My hopes rise, slow but steady, as I approach further.
Finally I reach the shade of the tree, walking closer. “Lariat… is that you?”
She turns, confirming that it was Lariat all along, those same blue eyes unmistakable as ever.
“So…” I look away, briefly, at the lake, and then back to Lariat. “How did you die?”
“I didn’t.” Lariat frowns slightly.
“Then, why are we here?” Somehow, Lariat not being dead was relieving, but also slightly crushing, as the decision of whether or not to tell her all of what happened becomes so much more difficult.
“I decided to visit you in your dreams, is all.”
“Lariat… times have been tough recently. I don’t know what I want to do next.” I felt like a fraud, being so vague with my current situation. My voice wavers as I struggle to verbalize my failures. “I think I’ve fucked up.”
Lariat takes two steps closer. “Well...” Lariat sighed. “I can tell you’ve been wounded a lot, and that isn’t going to stop anytime soon.” She grabs my wrist, gently pulling me over to the lake’s edge, leading me almost as if I were a broken horse. I really did feel broken inside, as we sit down together, as I think of what I’ve done. I hold it inside, and settle for simply leaning into Lariat gently instead of being a sputtering mess.
“As much as I know about pain, I can’t make yours go away. I don’t think I can even make my own pain go away.” Lariat frowns. “So, instead I’ll tell you how to draw energy from your spirit.”
“That doesn’t help so much...” I sighed, looking down at the grass in front of the lake’s edge, somehow slightly disappointed that Lariat didn’t have a better answer.
“It might help more than you think. Now, I want you to stare into your reflection. Inhale, exhale, focus and search within you. Look for your center, and then your spirit may blossom.”
I swallow, chasing off my grief with an inhale, and an exhale. I then stared at my reflection, intently, and I searched within myself. At first, my mind led me towards my worst moments again, of the fateful night and the grievances leading up to it, and the resultant aftershock of guilt, but I pull back, like a handler holding back an attack dog. I focus more towards my true center, and found… nothing. Pitch black darkness, with nothing evident, nothing apparent, nothing in sight, nothing there that was obvious. I trust Lariat’s words, and wait, my eyes still sweeping through the darkness, and then something happened.
I didn’t see it, but I felt it. Something untouched, tranquil, steady. A lighthouse, unassailable by the rising tide slamming into the rocks below it, and unmoved by the falling rain that accompanied a thunderstorm. Then, I felt… something, within me, rising, blossoming, fanning out. Whatever I was searching for, this was it. I reach my hand out, and as I touch it, a faint light erupts, holding the darkness at bay.
Well, that and I witness the color of my eyes shifting to a bold orange, from their usual gray in the lake’s reflection. I look over and Lariat’s gone, nowhere to be found. This wounds me a little, leaving a soft pang in my heart, but I’m sure she wouldn’t leave if she didn’t have a good reason for it.
I looked back to the lake, letting my extra appendages out, seeing them in my reflection. I realized that this is the first time I had seen them in a while; As rare as it was for me to actually look at them in my past, ever since I boarded the train I’ve completely turned a blind eye to this peculiarity of mine, the peculiarity that was just as much a part of me as my natural, human hands and feet. Here, though, with my spirit awakened, they brought me a subdued joy instead of just memories of my pain and ordeals. This feeling was pleasant, but it confused me.
I spend a while thinking about it, and I realize that I feel free here, relatively speaking. Free from the world, free from anyone’s prying eyes, free from the friction of it all, and I’ve even managed to hold the sorrows I silently harbor at bay, at least for now. I decide to stand and turn sideways, my tail now prominent in the water’s reflection. It was about 2 feet long, with dark fur along the length of it. Watching it sway gently, I let myself smile. It was a subtle but pure joy, like the childhood I never really had…
Why did I have to phrase it like that? I frown, reminded of my past, the memories shrouded in a dark cloud but the central point clearly bleeding through as a train’s headlight shines through a foggy day. My heart weighs heavy again as I think of all the other things that should’ve gone right in my life but didn’t. So much wasted potential, so much stolen from me by my own pedigree…
I tear up, and instead of trying to wrangle it back into the furthest reaches of my mind like a bull out of hell, I just let it happen, taking in the moment. I set myself down and curl up against the grass, allowing myself to cry.
I can’t remember the last time I let myself have a moment like this, a moment where I could freely mourn my losses and suffering, a moment where I could allow myself to be as weak as I really felt.
Is it possible that this was the first time I’ve ever done that?
Many minutes pass, and I lose track, but once I’m done the sun is still high in the sky. I slowly come to a stand and stare at the lake again, my eyes back to gray, focusing on the shimmering image of myself.
I then notice them shifting back towards orange, and in my reflection I could see all sorts of cuts, bruises, and abrasions appear all across my arms and face. I pull up my shirt, and they were there as well. As I focus on each one in the reflection, a vague outline of a memory comes to the forefront of my mind, but it’s still enough to sting. These wounds seem mostly healed over, though. My eyes trace back over to a fresher cut across my reflection’s neck, like a macabre choker someone would pick out for Halloween. My eyes settle over it, and I know exactly where it came from. I look away from it, the most powerful reminder of my shortcomings, of that terrible night, and an edge of guilt that l can’t take anymore. I softly weep on my knees as I curse myself. I was practically forced to do it, or so I tell myself, but I still despise myself for it. “I know you won’t forgive me, but...” My voice comes out as shaky, almost a sorrowful whimper, but as I speak I don’t know if I’m speaking to myself, or another. “I apologize.”
Having spoken, I finish up my second round of grieving. With an inhale and an exhale, I drag myself to my feet, daring to look once again at the lake’s reflection as my eyes go to orange one more time. I inhale, and exhale, searching for a little peace within to let me recover from the storms I had brought upon myself.
Time passes, and I feel like I have four tails, instead of one. I turn, and in my reflection sure enough there were four tails now, each one far longer than my normal tail. I try moving them, and I find that I can actuate each tail independently of the others, with significant precision. Like a natural extension of my body rather than just an illusion, just something that happened to appear upon it suddenly.
I run across the fields, my new tails counterbalancing me as I make turns sharper than I’d ever imagined possible. I feel free again, somehow, like I could outmaneuver all my problems in life, even if my internal problems would have no difficulty in chasing me endlessly. All that just fell to the wayside in that moment, out of sight and out of mind.
I stop and look at the lake again, thinking, pondering. Then, a question hit me.
Will I only find freedom in death?
It was a terrifying question that I didn’t have an exact answer to, but my best guess didn’t give me much comfort.
The sun is finally setting, and as it treads over the horizon everything fades to dark. Before it does, though, I catch a figure with long white hair in the lake’s reflection, there for but a brief moment in time.
