A large bright sun basked the metropolitan landscape below in its fiery embrace, reflecting against the other towering glass-covered structures that currently was my life. I shielded myself against the sun's rays and directed my attention below. A warm breeze rustled the green leaves in the tiny trees; it carried the vitality and lively exuberance of spring.
I made sure to not lean out too much out of the lift as my attention wandered to the tiny people below.
‘They're like ants.’
I thought. They were too focused on what their jobs required of them to pay any mind to the forces of nature that had allowed this town to become so prosperous. They were too immersed in concerns about their day-to-day troubles to worry about the weather. Their lives were so automatic, robotic, going through the same routine countlessly.
Despite their busy lives, they all served a purpose in their way; Somewhere they truly belonged, they were useful and valuable. Unlike me. ‘I am trash, nothing. Uselessness. A blemish in the existential records of the universe, a glitch, an anomaly - a mistake.’ I thought. I always felt something was off about my life, I would never fit in anywhere no matter where I looked or how hard I tried; and silly me, I thought it was because I was special, some eccentric genius of the century destined to make great waves, but reality hit me with the cold hard truth - I am nothing.
A freaking nobody. I might be smarter than most, but it never mattered to anyone. In my desperation for recognition, I sought meaning, God. I remember a verse in the Bible that says, 'Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest', but I never found such solace no matter how hard I reached out. Then I realized God doesn't care about me at least.
He may care for others, but not me.
'Could he not see me, or did the universe want me dead? Not simply the stopping of my breath, but the total erasure of my existence?'
I shook the uncomfortable thoughts out of my head. The rag dipped into the bubbly water, absorbing moisture quickly. My hand slid swiftly over the glass, creating an arc free from dust and grime, now sparkling with traces of cloudy water flowing down. The wiper I was supposed to be using broke this morning, forcing me to use this highly inefficient rag - just another way the universe punishes me for existing.
There was no way I'd dare to tell my hot-tempered employer about it, he'd flip. I was currently eighty meters up in the air and I had just started with the first window. I let out a long sigh as I looked at the seemingly endless windows before me to the left, to the right, up and below. Despair filled my heart. I pushed the rag against the window and created another arc.
It was still early morning, the rush hour had already begun and classes would start in about four hours. There was no way I could finish this in time. I moved across the building, pushing down the rag and waving away the dirt to no avail. After two hours, I lowered the lift to the ground and walked inside the building; bracing myself for what was coming.
‘How was I going to explain?’
I thought as I zipped down the bleak corridors to the elevator. The elevator doors slid open, and I tried my best to ignore the stares of the people inside as I squeezed into the elevator compartment.
I pushed the button for the top floor, the last floor, where my employer was located. The elevator traveled up the building, highlighted with the occasional ding. My mind raced to simulate my defense in front of my boss. His words would ring, ruthless responses after responses that I inevitably failed to answer played in my head.
I looked up from the ground where my gaze had focused as the doors opened to my floor. I stepped out into the myriad of offices in front of me, white walls, brown doors; a congested jungle filled with suits and neckties. My brown work boots stepped out onto the pristine floor and walked across it, I tried to make sure no one would notice as I headed to the door of my employer. My mind once again went over the words to say. I wanted to knock and let myself in but my hands froze in midair; I heard moaning sounds coming from inside.
I understood immediately and retreated to the waiting room and looked at my watch - only an hour left until school started.
'Did I have time to catch a bus?'
I fiddled with my fingers, my thoughts slowly spiraled down into darker thoughts.
I thought about my sister that had died when I was a kid; how mean I was to her. The fact it was my only lingering memory of her made me hate myself. I should have been nicer, I should have treated her better.
My dad took her death harder than I could ever imagine. He changed, began smoking, became more aggressive, loud outbursts that led to angry punches thrown at my mom. I almost always came home to find the aftermath. Bruises a black eye. Even if my job ended at three, I never got there in time.
For my mom, the brightest joy in her life had left her forever, and every time she'd force a smile and tell everyone that she was fine. To be strong for me. But I knew; she wasn't okay. I drowned my sorrows, not unlike my dad. I sang. My young voice gave me hope, but that too was taken from me as puberty crashed that dream of something more.
Entering high school was another dashed hope. I wasn’t noteworthy to be recognized, nor memorable enough to be remembered. They shunned me, ignored me, and If they ever saw me, it was to mock me. I tried to not bear any grudges since I had gradually convinced myself I was a background character, an extra - unimportant.
I thought I had friends. Their brief contact gave me a modicum of hope that I wasn't worthless. However, I soon realized that they were opportunists; They’d meet me when they wanted something. I’d oblige, happy for the attention, even if reality gnawed at the back of my mind. I sought approval, but only got the nickname as attention-seeking, ass-kissing freak.
The final realization of their image of me made me so depressed that I could barely feel anymore. That I was not meant to exist; That if I ever tried to leave a mark, the universe would erase it. I was awakened from my dark thoughts when I heard the clack of the door handle pushing down. The door to the waiting room finally opened.
A bright youthful lady with freckles came out adjusting her tight miniskirt, took out a lipstick from her peach-colored purse, and revived the faded shade of red on her lips. She looked like one of those power-hungry women who weren’t afraid to do anything (or anyone?) to get what she wanted.
Her bosom was unbelievably large, staring at them. My face briefly flushed with heat, but I took my unworthy eyes away and the excitement within me soon fizzled out. She looked at me and smiled brightly before leaving. I stood up and returned to my employer’s office door. I sighed and opened the door, before walking into the office, forgetting to knock. I looked at the man behind the mahogany office desk; it was tall, although the height wasn't apparent while he sat elevated behind it.
His chiseled features and handsome, yet somewhat fat face gave him a charismatic and threatening aura. On the other hand, his body. His stomach slightly protruded, putting immense stress on the business suit he was wearing. He unbuttoned his suit vest and breathed out a sigh of relief. I froze there staring at him, afraid to speak.
He finally noticed me. "Damn!, didn't your parents teach you how to knock?" he defensively bellowed.
"I-I'm sorry" I stuttered apologetically.
"Whatever, why are you here? You done with the windows?", he asked sternly, adjusting his suit jacket and quickly buttoning it up again.
"About that..." I apprehensively began.
“Yes?” He asked expectantly. “Out with it!”
His eyes suspiciously stared down at me, I was already crucified in them.
"I came to say that I couldn't finish all the windows in time; My classes are just about to start and I promised; Promised, that I wouldn’t be late again. So... I was thinking maybe I'll come back later in the evening to finish up?"
My stomach knotted as I spoke, my eyes focused on the floor, not daring to make eye contact as I announced my failure. I carefully glanced upward.
"Hmm...", he said thoughtfully and looked me straight in the eye.
His words calmly came out. "Okay, you're fired."
"But sir - I need the money for my upcoming project," I stuttered in shock.
'He can't fire me, he can't! Where will I get the money?', I thought.
His tone grew extremely harsh, piercing me like needles "You useless good for nothing! You can't even do one simple job and you expect to get paid? Get the FUCK out of my sight!"
"Yeah", I said with a tone devoid of emotion and as I trudged out of the room and closed the door behind me.
The scene replayed in my mind as I walked back to the elevator doors, pushed the button, and leaned against the wall while waiting for it to arrive and take me to the bottom floor. I sighed. I shifted my stance and leaned against the wall and sighed again. I had no energy to feel mad, I just felt tired.
I didn’t like to work here. I had to work here because my dad wouldn’t send me any money. He’d spend it on alcohol instead. I worried about the future. They had enrolled me at a prestigious university to study computer programming.
An escape. I chose it so I could stare at a screen for hours straight, which would distract me from contemplating my pointless existence. Tears rolled down my cheek. I thought I had told myself not to care anymore, not to feel anything; but deep down it still always hurt. My emotions burned within, desperation slowly encroached on me - I wanted this to end.
My eyes locked onto an opened glass window at my right with only one thing in mind, I wanted to be free of my damned existence. The feeling of anger, sadness, emptiness, and loneliness collided. One objective slowly burned into my mind. My body resisted at first, as the instinct to live froze me for an instant. It ambled as if I had thawed it with the sheer force of will, before responding like lightning. Soon the pain would end, it would correct the mistake, an insignificant drop in the ocean would disappear, nothing would change.
'It'll all be over'
I thought I ran towards the opening, kicked off the windows, and propelled myself outside by the momentum of my charge.
The wind blew in my hair as gravity finally tugged at me, I closed my eyes in satisfaction, and a smile formed across my face as screams echoed above before fading away.
Patreon
