Laura stared at the notebook exasperated. She chewed the pen cap furiously as she stared at the mess of inky numbers across the open pages. 

‘Still not enough!’

She ran her hands through her hair in frustration, it had become her habit these past few weeks. Mortgagers were ringing her day and night and the hospital bills to keep her son alive were piling up already near the limits of their health insurance. Problems were just raining down from the sky. At least Mark had been acquitted but the damage had already been done. Getting a proper job with that kind of record was nigh impossible. Laura had to take out her credentials that had gathered dust due to Mark’s insistence that she become a housewife.

And so the grueling endeavor of working out job possibilities with her job coach began. She had three online jobs with a part-time job as a technical assistant. Mark was trying his very best and she had to help, even though he wanted to do it alone there was no way she’d sit idly by.

The image of her son flashed and rekindled the flame.

‘Not yet’

She stood and moved through the mess of crumpled and half-torn pieces of paper everywhere to the window side, her blue coffee mug stared at her silently from the window’s edge cold from camping out there since morning. Her teary eyes gazed at the big orange sun with all its fury simmered to a tender glow. Her son was a curious child, not just the one that came naturally at that age. It was exceedingly abundant, bordering on totally annoying but adorable nonetheless.

Even though it seemed like everything was Mark’s fault, it wasn’t true. When Mark mistreated him she watched silently and every time her son would stare at her with the same question. Why? Why was it happening to him? Why was she allowing it?. She was so blinded by pain that she ignored it all. Soon he stopped staring as he understood the despair of hope. He stopped speaking to them entirely only when it was necessary.

He was drowning and She, his mother, couldn't see it. Her son was drowning and wouldn’t reach out because it was a futile effort and it continued until he finally ran out of air.

‘I should have said something, done something

The door opened behind her—her husband.

“Hey,” She said as she walked up to him, her hands spread out for a hug. His hands shot up to hers and held them in place in the air. It confused her

“What's wro—” She mumbled

“Don’t. I’m all sweaty” He finally said.

“When have I ever cared about that?” She said as she forced him into her embrace, and endured the strong odor that assaulted her nostrils. 

She noticed him staring listlessly at the papers on the floor.

“I’m sorry,” He said, his voice cracking with pain. Her heart ripped when she heard those words. He walked off before she could say anything. She heard the sound of the shower running as she slumped into the couch. Her life was in shambles, everything was everywhere. 

If Ellie was here she could cheer her right up with that smile. A dull ache surfaced in her chest as memories of her daughter appeared. Something wet touched her from behind, she flinched slightly and turned back. It was Mark with a towel wrapped around him. His body was always a sight to behold, it always left her speechless when he was wet.

‘How can I be thinking of this at a time like this!!!’

It was his hand on her shoulder. 

“Need some help with that?” He asked gesturing to the papers as he walked around and sat beside her.

She watched him sigh as he reviewed the figures, his countenance sinking by the second. Her hand met his shoulder. 

“You know what, let's take a break,” she heard him say after a while. “Get dressed.”

“Where are we going?” She asked as she sat up, interested and at the same time worried.

“You’ll see,” He said with a wide-toothed grin and walked backward coyly through the bedroom door. 

He came out a few minutes later wearing all casual.

“I thought you said we were going out?” She asked, her brows raised, wondering if he’d suddenly lost all sense of fashion. 

“I  thought I asked you to get dressed” He fired back playfully.

“I’m going out in high heels with that,” She said, sizing him up.

“Is that so? Alright then, no ice cream for you” He said pouting which brought a smile to her face.

“Okay, okay but don’t expect anything glamorous lest you look like my servant instead” She got up and went straight through the bedroom door. She wanted to walk to the wardrobe on the left but the desire to lie down was great and so she did.

It was nice of him to want to cheer her up but she couldn’t help but feel guilty about all this. 

‘Are we supposed to be doing this when our son is barely hanging on to life?’

A little of the glow from the setting sun crept through the half-shut windows. With a deep breath, she finally stood and dragged herself to the wardrobe.

“Are you cooking in there?” She heard Mark say from the living room even though she only spent a few minutes here.

“Yeah It’s a whole three-course meal” She replied. She suddenly felt his arms wrap around her from behind filling her with warmth. Laura didn’t notice when he came in.

“I know it’s hard” He whispered into her ears, his soft breath caressing them. “But you need a break or you’ll crash and burn, I’m sure our son wouldn’t want that”

Suddenly anger rose inside of her.

“How would you know?” She said coldly.

“What?” He asked confused as she pushed herself away from him.

“How would you know that?” She repeated her voice breaking.

“I mean he wouldn’t want to see his mother breakdown” He replied

“How do you know he doesn’t hate us for all we’ve put him through” She finally broke down, falling to her knees in tears.

“I…” That was the only thing Mark could say in response.

It was the truth. There was no way of knowing. And it’ll be justified if their son wanted the worst for them. 

“I’m sorry,” He said simply.

She felt like killing him and herself each time he said those words. They weren’t meant for her or him but for their child who attempted to take his own life. She had gone wrong in so many things. 

“Remember we have to be better for him, you said those words,” He said.

“And I died each time, how can we be better? How? What could we possibly do? I’m not even sure he’ll wake up. It’s been three months!” She wailed at the top of her lungs, the pain and despair threatening to swallow her.

“I always wondered how you could be strong and press on, honestly it seemed like to you all that happened was only a minor setback but you’re holding it all in”

“How can you stand there and talk so calmly! You abused our son and I watched!” She sobbed into her knees. 

“I am worthless, I know,” He said as she noticed his tears flowing freely. “And no matter I do it will never make up for what I’ve done but If I—” His voice broke into sobs 

“But if we don’t try, doesn’t it mean we don’t care? That all we did to him was okay” 

She became mute, the emotions overwhelming. She wished this was all a dream that her only child was on the brink of death, she wished she could see him now and hear him tell her that he was okay.

‘Why?’

‘Why did this have to happen to her.’

‘God, please bring him back to me, to us, please let me have the chance to at least try’

She pleaded desperately as she thought of him. 

‘Just please…’

“Laura…” He called out softly. She looked up at him. His face was covered with tears. 

“Please, stop. I—I can’t bear to see you like this, I just can’t” He said embracing her.

“I’m sorry” She finally said after a while.

“What are you apologizing?” He asked with a tender voice and silently sniffed.

“I ruined your planned outing. I know you had good intentions but I just…”

“It’s alright, maybe another time” His words soothing her.

“I just wish—”

“It’s alright” He interrupted.

“We can’t—”

“I know,” He said as she continued to sob in his arms until she fell asleep.

After laying her on the bed properly. He walked back quietly to the living room and sat in front of the papers she had been working. He sighed as he picked up the pain and continued where she left off.

‘Please be okay for us, son.’