'What's with that look on your face?' I said, as a wide-eyed look of surprise decorated Andrew's face. 'I just wasn't expecting your demand to be something so basic, quite frankly.' He remarked, breaking into a chuckle.

'Y-yeah, well...' I stuttered. 'I'm just still sorta, for lack of a better word, skeptical.' I explained. 'If you were in my position, you'd understand, how someone you've had your eyes on for so long ended up returning your feelings.'

'You've liked me for how long now?' He asked. 'I... wait, I'm not spilling anything until I hear from you first!' I demanded.

'All right, all right.' Andrew surrendered. 'Let me just warn you, it's a long, long story. I may not have finished by the time your brother's back.'

'Well, I lied.' I replied curtly. 'He won't be back tonight.'

'And you better not ask why.' I added.

'I wasn't going to, but whatever.' He replied.

*

             The first time I met you was in front of the information board on the first day of our second year. You were an unfamiliar face at that time, as I had not known you during our first year. As I introduced myself to you, my first impression of you was that of a socially awkward person. Talking to you felt like talking to a wall, or a stray cat. Even though you were in front of me, there may as well have been yards of distance between us. You were present, but at the same time it's like you weren't there at all. The atmosphere around you was uninviting; with every exchange we made, I could feel in your tone that you wanted to end the conversation.

            Because of that, I had all kinds of assumptions about how you'd be in class. At that time, I'd imagined you'd always sit in the corner, barely engaging with your classmates. I was dead wrong; while you weren't everyone's close friend, you got along perfectly fine. You even had a close friend in Erina. Though, I was also privy to the rumors that you and Erina were dating. Yet again, that was another assumption proven wrong; it didn't take close observation to tell that you had no intimacy between you whatsoever. You both just happened to be extra close since you both were in the same class before.

            It seemed every time I assumed something of you, it turned out false. It made me feel bad for being prejudiced against you. And yet, our first encounter wasn't something I could easily forget. With that in mind, I tried to talk to you again. I told myself it was because as class rep I had no choice but to get to know all my classmates. I assumed since we at least knew each other already you'd open up more. Yet again, you displayed the same sort of distant, uninviting behavior.

            As much I was trying not to rush to conclusions, it was only natural that I'd have my curiosity roused. I had all sorts of questions in my head: why was it only me, and not everyone else? Could I have possibly done something to offend you? But it clearly didn't seem that way, much less considering how little interaction there was between us. Before I knew it, I had this strong desire to get to know you more.

            And yet, there was no way for me so satisfy that desire. For that matter, I couldn't even fathom why I was so strongly curious. The only thing I could do was wait for an opening and try to get close to you that way, but I just never saw an in for me. Even when I thought an opportunity presented itself, I would suddenly ask myself, 'Why do I even want to do this? What is even the point?'

            On the day Erina called in sick, I figured it was now or never. Under the excuse of keeping him company as a dutiful class rep, I tried to warm up to you the whole day. Sure enough, it was same old, same old. However, I wasn't about to back down; that day would surely be the day I would have my questions answered. But then what? Once I figure you out, would I just leave it at that and carry on as usual? Did I just want to use you to get rid of my nagging curiosity?

            From what little time I'd spent with you by then, I managed to unearth a few things; you were by no means a shy or awkward person to begin with, but you didn't seem to have much confidence in yourself. I didn't get that impression when I discreetly observe you and Erina, or anyone else, but talking to you in person, I felt it. For that matter, you didn't seem to think highly of yourself. You seemed to be largely concerned about whether I found you boring, but it was quite the opposite. I was fueled by curiosity, after all.

            As time passed, you eventually warmed up to me, and I felt a sense of accomplishment. What I didn't feel, though, was satisfaction. Even though we were as good as friends, it didn't give me any clearance whatsoever. It didn't explain his prior behavior at all. It didn't explain why you seemed to be on high guard around me in the beginning. It especially irked me considering none of what I learned about you lead me on to a conclusion. On top of that, it was difficult enough considering I had to limit my interactions with you at school, else I'd risk jeopardizing your already long-established friendship with Erina.

'Huh? Erina...'

            I couldn't help but think there was something I hadn't considered. Come to think of it, since early on it was obvious Erina didn't like me being so close to you. I could tell why from the get-go; she clearly liked you and wanted to monopolize your company all for herself. You made it clear to me that aware of that fact, and so I decided not to intrude on you both too much solely because you seemed to be in discomfort when I did. Otherwise, I didn't care how she viewed me.

             Another thing that was clear was that you didn't return the sentiment despite knowing, and I couldn't fathom why. Anyone other guy would've jumped at the opportunity and tied knots, but there must've been a reason why you weren't interested in her. Were you perhaps already interested in someone else? That would usually be the strongest possibility.

            For once, my curiosity shifted to Erina. I knew you'd been close friends since first year, so I wondered at which point she began to develop feelings. It must've been long since, considering she doesn't show any signs of awkwardness around you. But when she first discovered her feelings, how would she have behaved? And at what point did you notice? How did you react? How have you managed to maintain things since then? An image formed in my mind of Erina being shy and hesitant much to your confusion.

'Hm? Why does that seem familiar?'

'...'

'No way.'

            The reason why I was able to imagine that situation so vividly was because I had witnessed it first-hand. Not from Erina, but rather from you yourself. When I recalled our first exchange together, all the dots were connected. The look in your eyes back then suddenly made sense to me.

'Miles... likes me?'

            I felt I'd found my answer, but I thought I still needed to confirm my suspicion. With that intent in mind, I asked you out on a movie date. I thought about how I could set the mood for you; I picked a romcom -which I typically am not interested in- and sure enough, you questioned my choice. 'I just thought, maybe I'd enjoy it if I watched it with you.' I said, and you reacted exactly like I thought you would.

            The movie itself, however, wasn't able to set the mood the way I hoped it would. In fact, quite frankly, I found it boring, and so did you; you were trying so hard to stay awake. 'How cute.' I thought. 'Makes me wanna tease with him.'

'Boring isn't it?' I asked, shocking you wide awake. Seeing how you tried to make excuses for dozing off only egged me on. I leaned on your shoulder and pretended to have fallen asleep. The warmth of your body and the sound of your hammering heartbeat was as good of answer for me. I tried my damnedest to hold back from bursting into laughter as you tried to wake me up. Eventually you gave up, but not long after I felt you lean your had onto mine. 'Oh my god, he's trying to capitalize the moment.' I thought, once again trying hard not to laugh. 'This kinda does feel nice, though...'

            The signs were clear that day, yet somehow, I wasn't about to back down. 'I'm not settling until I've heard it from him himself.' I thought. From then on, I made small, subtle attempts to try and fish it out of you, none of which worked. I started to grow impatient.

            That impatience was what lead me to the idea of asking you out to swim. I knew this would surely be uncomfortable for you. And in fact, it really was too much for you, even physically. It was clear that you weren't in any condition to be exerted. Feeling bad for you, I decided to call it quits. I was genuinely worried, seeing how pale you were as we washed up. Yet, and I hated myself for this, I still felt the impulse to toy with you. I reached for your shoulder and immediately regretted it seeing your reaction. I walked away brimming with guilt.

            I began to realize how I never once stopped to put myself in your shoes all this time I was pushing you. It only then dawned on me that I must've put a lot of strain on you, and it led me to question myself. 'So what if I know? So what if I get my answer? Why do I even want to know anyways? If he eventually does decide to confess his feelings, then what? How will I justify everything I've done to him?' My curiosity was no longer directed to you, but rather towards myself.

            By the time I decided I would stop my investigation, it was too late; the aftermath of what I'd done had presented itself. Despite not knowing how best to fix the situation, I wanted to at least show you that I cared, and that you could trust me to open up about what's bothering you -though I already knew what was bothering you, and I knew I was the cause of it all.

'This is the moment.' I thought, when it was clear you were about to confess to me. When the words didn't come out, I began to panic, and I couldn't think rationally. What should've been a heart-to-heart ended up as an argument. 'Is it wrong for me to care? Am I not allowed to worry? What is it that I need to do for you to trust me as your friend?' I said on impulse. I was just as shocked to hear your response.

'Dream on then, because I never once thought of you as my friend!'

            In case it wasn't clear before that I'd messed this up, now it was even more stark. Despite that, I was still hopeful. I tried talking to you the next day only to be reminded that the damage was already done. Once again, I lost my rational thinking and provoked you even more. When I blurted out how I already knew you liked me anyways, your reaction surprised me; I knew you'd be defensive, but I wasn't expecting you to degrade yourself.

'Do I seem that lowly and disgusting to you?'

             Your words kept echoing in my head in the days that followed. Each time that it did, I would berate myself. 'Now you've really done it.' I told myself. 'What was there to gain from finding the answer? Why was I so obsessed? What was it that made me so drawn to him? What was it that I wanted from him? '

'What was it that I wanted from him? What was it that made me think it'd be worth it to keep tearing him apart?'

            When I think back to the moments we shared together, I realized I genuinely did enjoy spending time with you. It made me regret the outcome even more. If only I hadn't been so hellbent on my ulterior motives, perhaps I could still be enjoying more moments with you. I wished I could've gone back in time and told myself what I'd wanted to know. Maybe then I could stop myself from unintentionally hurting someone to the point of them cutting ties with me. Maybe then I could prevent myself from reexperiencing the pain of being cut off. Maybe then I could stop myself from repeating the same mistake.

            'Have you not learned anything?' The other voice in my head continued to berate me. 'Have you not learned anything from S...'

'Stop it!' I resisted. 'I don't want to remember that name! Not when all this time I've been trying to forget...'

             To have been driven to find the truth from you, to have found enjoyment in being with you, and to have pushed you to the point of wanting to cut ties with me; the fact that I regretted it all meant one thing. I knew it was too late to admit it to myself now, when it had already come to this.

'Argh, what do I do?' I said as I lay smothering myself with a pillow. 'After all this time, only now do I realize I like you.'

            But, knowing the weight of what I'd done to you, I knew that confessing to you out of the blue would just come off as backpedalling. Either way, I didn't want things to end like this. I didn't want to relive my past regrets. I wanted, at the very least, not to leave things on bitter terms.

            Putting my resolve aside, it was painful just to be in the same room as you day by day. Sometimes, I would catch a glimpse of your face, and it would oddly empty. The way I remembered it, you would always have this spark in your eyes, but now that spark was muffed out, and seeing that made me lose confidence that I could resolve things with you.

            During those painful days, I experienced an altogether new and unfamiliar emotion: jealousy. Each time I saw you and Erina together, it made me wish she was out of the picture. I wouldn't say I hated her. Rather, I felt inferior to her. I wished that I could be what she was to you.

            On one particular rainy day, I stood idly watching you two at the hall. I was far enough that I couldn't make out what you two were saying two each other, and perhaps far enough that you wouldn't notice I was there. When she eventually left, it got me thinking, 'If it were me, I wouldn't desert you like that.'

'Wait, maybe this is my opportunity to talk to you. I could just pretend I was passing by per chance.' I thought, seeing you walk towards my direction.

'Stuck here, aren't you?' I said on autopilot. 'Damn it, that's not what I meant to say! Now I'm gonna come off as condescending!'

            I had hoped that you would take my offer to escort you home so that I could use the time to have a heart-to-heart with you, but I blew my chance by leaving the wrong impression. ''Wait! Have you lost your mind? Miles!' I kept calling you, and yet you wouldn't spare a moment to look back as you dashed into the rain. 'Damn it, it'll be on me if he gets sick!'

            To no surprise, the next day you actually did call in sick, and I was overwhelmed with guilt because of that. Ask anyone and they'll tell you how much of a mess I was that day; that's how badly I was worried about you. At the end of the day, I contemplated whether or not I should come visit you. On one hand, I knew what happened to you was my fault and that I should own up for what I did. On the other hand, I felt conflicted, thinking the only reason I wanted to see you was because I knew you'd have no way to avoid me in your situation. The louder voice was the former, and it helped me shake off my doubts.

*

 'Well, as you know, afterwards things just escalated the way they did.' Andrew finished his recount. At that point, both of us were lying on Hyung's bed; I laid on my side with my back against the wall while Andrew laid on his back, his head turned slightly to face me. I took a few moments to process everything Andrew told me.

'You know...' I began, 'I want to look past everything that happened and believe that the feelings you have for me now are genuine, but...'

'But?' Andrew repeated.

'I'm just still a bit unsure. I don't know if I could be happy being with you, knowing that, at the same time, I've had a lot of painful experiences with you.

'Even so...' I continued. 'I want to unlearn that pain, together with you.'

'In other words, yes.' I emphasized.