Waking up the next morning felt surreal. It seemed that too many things happened yesterday for me to process that, as I lay awake staring at the ceiling, I wasn't sure I'd processed it all just yet.

            After Andrew left last night, I tucked myself back to bed, facing the wall. As exhausted as I was, as much as I had wanted anything but to be conscious at that moment, I couldn't fall asleep. Part of it may have had to do with the noises Hyung was making as he unpacked his belongings, but it was mostly because I was dreading tomorrow. As evident as the tension still was between Hyung and I, inevitably we would talk. Inevitably as well, he would have some questions for me. The surge of ecstasy of moments ago was far gone, and now I'm left with thick, gray clouds of uncertainty.

            I didn't even remember what time I fell asleep, yet I eventually did. I didn't remember what dream I had, or whether I had dreamt at all, but as deprived of sleep as I was, my body seemed to have decided it had had enough slumber. Even so, I refused to get up. I wished the night would've lasted an hour or two longer.

            I glanced at my surroundings. My usual futon -which I imagine Hyung would have slept on last night- was already made neatly and put away. He must've waken up long before I did, so I thought. I took my phone on the bedstand to check the time; it was almost 9.

            At some point, Hyung walked in. 'Oh, you're awake?'

'Yeah.' I replied lazily. 'Feeling any better?' He asked again. Now that he mentioned it, my headache and fever was gone. I felt terribly parched, and my nose was still congested, but otherwise I had no reason to be bedridden. 'Just about.' I replied just as lazily.

'Then are you feeling up for breakfast?' He asked. Perhaps that was why he woke up earlier; was this an apologetic gesture from his behalf?

'I guess I am.' I replied, straightening myself. 'Let me wash up first.'

            I emerged at the main room after 10 minutes, give or take. My sense of smell was still dead, but I could tell from what was arranged at the dining table that Hyung had put a lot of effort. 'For once, we're having something nice.' Hyung said, when I seated myself. 'Mom packed me a lot of food to keep, and taught me a few dishes, so I hope it'd be a nice change of pace.'

            If this wasn't an apologetic gesture, I wouldn't know what is; it was a simple fare of rice, kimchi and seaweed soup -which left me wondering whose birthday it was- but I'm sure Hyung knew better than anyone that humble home cooking was what I missed most.

            It was delicious, or so I wish I could say. Owing to the remnants of my cold, I still couldn't taste anything. As such, the rice turned into sand in my mouth, and what would've been pungent and savoury flavors turned bitter the moment they landed on my palate. Perhaps it may have not been because of my cold, but rather the tension and silence between us. Even when I'd finished all my food, I simply thanked him for the meal, but didn't get up to put my dishes away. Neither did Hyung.

'Hyung, I-'

'Myeongwon, I-'

'I'm sorry.' We both said in unison. We both looked at each other, deer-in-the-headlights.

'Can I go first?' We both asked in unison, again. 'You go first, then.' Once again, in unison.

'I know I said some harsh things,' Hyung began before I could interject, 'things that you would've wanted to hear the least, much less from me of all people. It was wrong of me, and I more than just regret it.'

'If it's okay with you...' Hyung continued, 'I mean, I'm not gonna try to justify myself, but I wanna explain my point of view.'

'If it's okay with you, that is.' Hyung repeated to emphasize. 'I don't think I listen to you enough, so sure.' I replied. 'Thanks.'

'So,' Hyung began, 'I noticed ever since you started living with me that you grew more reserved than you used to be.'

'I mean, it's not that I couldn't guess why,' Hyung added, 'but it grew, for lack of a better word, worse over time, and I got the feeling that something else was weighing on you.'

'I was at a dilemma, you see. On one hand, I wanted to know what it was that was bothering you so, so I could perhaps offer a helping hand. On the other hand, I wanted to respect your privacy. I didn't want to force it out of you if you weren't ready to open up to me.'

'But, regardless of all that, I felt so useless. I hated that there wasn't more I could do to ensure your happiness. I mean, I'm your guardian, so I'm responsible for your happiness as well.'

'That feeling of uselessness, and regret over the state of our family eventually took over me. I was overwhelmed by this desire to take action, even though I couldn't think rationally.'

'That's when I thought it'd be a good idea to take you to see Mom and Dad. Perhaps if I were there, I could mediate a healthy discussion between you. That obviously would not have been the case, but I was so desperate.'

'And then I snapped and said those things. Believe me, those weren't my true feelings, and I'm really sorry for saying such hurtful words.'

'Hyung, I-I...' I stammered. 'I don't know what to- I...'

'I've known you for as long as I've lived,' I continued once I was able to gather myself, 'and you were the first and only person I ever came out to, so I do believe that you didn't mean what you said,

'But... having heard all that, I realize that I really have been that self-centered all this time. I'm sorry, Hyung.'

'No, don't apologize.' Hyung replied.

'No, really though. All this time, I couldn't stop wondering whether I was being a burden to you, so I kept my problems to myself. I thought you were going far enough out of your way to accommodate me, so I didn't want to add more to your plate.'

'What I didn't realize was, what I was doing was the exact reason why you felt useless, and what drove you to the point of making a rash decision. I may have said that I didn't want to ruin your family reunion, but the truth is... I was just scared. I just wasn't ready to face them again. In the end, I was only answering to my own feelings and lying to myself that it was for the sake of being less of a burden to you.'

'You're not.' Hyung responded. 'I never once thought you were, and please don't feel that way. Please don't blame yourself for anything. I'm your brother. Your family. It's my duty to look out for you.'

'And if you think you were being selfish, I was also selfish. I was also just answering to my own feelings. In the end, I was the one who hurt you first.'

'Let's just put it this way,' I proposed, 'brothers fight from time to time after all. Afterwards, they always forgive each other.'

'In other words, I don't hold any grudges on you, so can we just consider it water under the bridge?'

'If you're willing to.' Hyung replied. 'Which I do.' I said back. 'Then I'm glad.'