It didn’t matter where it was, nor what silly chain of events led to it happening, all that mattered was the result.

“Ha! I caught you! Your disguise is busted!” Shouted a woman I didn’t recognise as she pointed at me.

“W-what?” I asked, not knowing what she meant.

“Don’t try that with me! Reveal your true form now, or I’ll do it!”

“I-I don’t…” I nervously took a step back.

“Okay, have it that way,” she said as she took out a wand and began to cast a spell.

Right before it hit me, I heard another woman’s voice yelling “Wait!”, but it was too late.

When the spell didn’t immediately fail, I began to wonder what it would do to me. Was it going to do something completely different, or would it actually try to remove the disguise I didn’t have? Then again, a lot of the things I did around other people were performative, and I did sometimes lie so that people wouldn’t bother me too much, but everyone did that, right? What would happen if that were to be ‘dispelled’? Would I no longer be able to lie and pretend?

A thought struck me. It wasn’t a new thought, in fact, I had it every once in a while when trying to fall asleep — what if, after you take away all the lies and pretending, all the things I did to distract myself, all the things I did because I had to and not because I wanted to; what if after that there’s nothing of ‘me’ left?

Meanwhile, outside of my thoughts and anxieties, I was starting to feel like I was sand being blown away by a strong gust of wind. I couldn’t tell if it was tiredness, or if I was passing out for some other reason, but I was having difficulties keeping my eyes open.

And just as the glow of the spell vanished, my eyes closed, and the last thing I felt was a rush of air as I started to collapse onto the floor.

I woke up to the sound of the argument. After a couple of moments, I identified the voices as the ones of two women from just before I passed out. A bit more, and I was slowly starting to understand what they were saying.

“What even possessed you to cast an untested spell on someone, let alone some random person who you felt was suspicious with no basis on evidence?!” The woman who I now recalled as the one who yelled ‘wait’ exclaimed.

“Come on, it’s just a disguise removal spell, how hard can it be to make one on the spot?” The one who cast the spell on me responded.

I realized that I was sitting down on some sort of bench, a fuzzy blanket wrapped around my shoulders.

“Pretty hard, considering just how much you screwed it up! Disguise removal spells should have no effect on someone who’s not disguised!”

I slowly started to open my eyes.

“You can’t prove they were not disguised!”

They? That sounded wrong…

“I literally can! Now, since you clearly can’t be trusted to handle stuff with any measure of subtlety, I’m going to need to be here and make sure nothing bad happens to them!” She gestured her hand at me.

“Her,” a third feminine voice said, surprising all three of us.

It took me a second to process the fact that it came from me.

“What?” The spellcaster asked.

Without even thinking about it, I clarified, “It’s her, not them.”

Why did I say that? I wasn’t a… Okay, I was, but…

Wait, I was?!

I suddenly started feeling anxious and overwhelmed.

“Go to the staff room, now,” said the responsible woman, before slowly approaching me.

“W-what’s happening? I don’t understand,” I stammered, trying to back away.

“Don’t worry, nobody’s going to hurt you. My name is Ida, and I promise I just want to help,” said… well, Ida apparently.

I gave a very small nod, and she sat down next to me.

“So, besides the whole freaking out thing, how are you feeling?” She asked.

“Girl. I’m a girl… I always was? But my body wasn’t? And I didn’t know I was? I don’t even know how it’s possible, I’m so confused…”

“That… just happens sometimes from what I understand. I don’t know why either, but it does. Identity-revelations aside, how are you holding up?”

“I’m… I’m scared… I didn’t know I was a girl but I always knew I should hide it, because people would get upset at me and that’s scary and… there’s a lot of things people could get upset at me about, and I never learned how to deal with it… I never learned how to deal with being scared, so I just started to pretend I wasn’t, even to myself, but… I can’t do it anymore, and people are so scary, and the world is so scary and life is so scary and I just don’t… I… I…” I hugged my knees as I started to cry.

Ida put a hand on my shoulder and started to comfort me. I initially flinched, but after a bit I let her touch me as I cried and shook in fear I repressed for so long.

After I cried most of my tears out, and my mind started being a bit clearer, the thought from before I passed out returned to me, and I couldn’t help but latch onto it.

“I… I don’t know how I can go on… I learned to pretend so well that without it, I don’t know who I am… The only things I know about myself are ‘scared’ and ‘girl’, and… and that’s not even really enough to count as a person, is it?”

Ida gently got me to look at her, then said, “I don’t really think that’s the case. And even if it somehow was, you still very much are a person. Everybody works through things at their own pace, and it’s okay to take your time. I promise, this feeling will not last forever.”

“But… How do I take a step forward if I don’t even know the person who’ll end up at the end of the path? How can I avoid making the wrong choice?”

“Just do what feels right. Try not to do things that make you uncomfortable. And, well… Try not to pretend this time around.”

I took a moment to think, then nodded.

“I… I’ll try my best,” I declared, as much to Ida as to myself.

Rainbow

So, this one's a bit different than my usual... Decided to go for an aspect of transitioning that is a serious hold up for many people, additionally so if you're not early into your transition anymore. I make it no secret that I'm a person who struggles a lot, but one thing I don't think I mentioned here before is that I'm not early into my transition anymore. I'm almost four years into HRT, and I knew I was trans for literal years before that, and yet, I still have those fears and anxieties sometimes. I still struggle with finding myself, and, as silly as it sounds, I still experience doubts. It can be a pretty weird feeling when people who have been at the whole transitioning thing for much shorter than me seem to have already made so much more progress, and be so much more realized as people.

But do not get me wrong - I'm not saying this just to vent or to get attention. What I wanted to say, is that it is okay to struggle. It's okay to struggle more than you think you should in your circumstances. Everybody makes progress on their own pace, and it's okay, even if it feels the pace is so slow you end up feeling like you're stuck in one place. I promise it gets better. Even if it's slow, you are making progress.

So I guess, since I'm a writter or whatever, I get to dedicate stuff to people, right? Then I dedicate this story to people like me, for people who are struggling, for those of you that see the transitions of other people going by so quick and making them so happy while you feel like you wasted the best part of your 'second chance at life' struggling with things that other people seem not even concerned about. I want to let you know that you are seen, and I believe in you.