What did she just say? Actually, I know what she just said, I just couldn’t believe it. I seem to do that a lot, come to think of it. Accepting the most absurd things as a matter of course, but expressing complete disbelief at the more banal. 

Unwilling grunt for a shadowy government group I can deal with. I’ve had more than enough time to get used to it, doing odd jobs in between documenting recent acquisitions and report-writing for other agencies. Maybe I’m just selling myself short, but common sense would dictate that I am not suited for management. Among other things my people skills are next to zero. 

“Uh, what brought this on?”

“This was the goal from the start. Changes in the current situation have sped up the planned timeline, but you are aware that you’ve already been promoted to be a supervisor. Let’s just say you’ve been on the management fast-track the whole time.” I hated her fake smile, the one you see on villains before they start monologing about a scheme coming together. Thank goodness she wasn’t the type to actually go on a long rant about the hopelessness of the hero’s situation. 

“For the sake of full disclosure, isn’t this thing usually based on seniority?”

“You’ve seen your other coworkers here. Your position doing more field work may have seemed out of the blue, but we’ve always technically had a billet for that sort of thing. Even NASA has a SWAT team, do you really think a government agency focused on storing dangerous objects wouldn’t be allowed similar resources?”

“That’s even a bigger issue! I have like, none of that proper training! All I know is how to shoot stuff and a few other things from my hobbies and the military! What’s up with that?”

“Budget.”

“Of fucking course. Budget.”

“Or malicious use of budgeting. You can’t honestly think the way things currently are here is normal, do you? It all comes down to budget and politics. And naturally hiring someone and having them serve in your current billet through the proper channels would cause too big of a red flag for our political enemies.”

“So this is all some deep-state fuckery?”

“And who better to be at the center of the deep-state than an immortal alchemist?”

“And you expect a small group of mentally unstable women who can use a bit of magic to undo an immortal alchemist?” Really this is all issues I should have asked when first given the mission, but go easy on me, I was even more sleep deprived then. 

“I had hoped we could maintain the element of surprise. Unfortunately, there must have been a leak somewhere. I had done everything I could to keep things as informal as possible and you don’t even want to know the things I did to build the political capital to put this plan in motion. So, here I am. It’s much better to put all the cards on the table; to continue keeping you in the dark too much would put me at risk of being as bad as them.”

“Don’t you use demonic magic?”

“Not the same kind as them. You should know better. Goetia is far different than offering yourself up body and soul to demonic entities. I guess most politicians have the sociopathic ‘I get mine, everyone else can get bent’ mindset but I like to think I have a bit more awareness of the real consequences of directly dealing with demons.”

I know she’s right but, as usual, I’m in a bit of an argumentative mood. This seems to happen every time I deal with her. Which makes me really doubt the wisdom of trying to groom me for a management position. 

“It’s really not reassuring how both of you are taking it for granted that most politicians are devil worshipers.” Sandra said. She was carrying a tray full of mugs, and an insulated carafe. An absolute godsend. A tad on the nose to call her that, considering the nature of the magic she uses. Crap, we have someone who uses angels, someone who uses demons, and a witch with a fairy familiar all in one spot. It’s like a complete set. 

“Isn’t it common knowledge?” Maybe I’m just biased, but I thought so at least. 

“Most people would call that a ‘conspiracy theory.’” 

“You can’t honestly say that after being black-bagged by a government employee using demons.”

“But the whole government? I’ll accept a lot of things, like them covering up UFO’s, interdimensional travel and the supernatural…”

“Not everyone in government worships demons.” Our boss said. “If that were the case we’d be absolutely screwed. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t a sizable portion who take the quick and easy way to power. It’s very short-sighted, but if they were capable of taking the long view the country as a whole would be in much better shape.”

“Is now the time to be complaining about infrastructure? Also, we still need to address you consorting with demons.” Even Liah is arguing. Something about the mood compared to usual seems much more lackadaisical. 

“Goetia, bending demons to my will to do my bidding, isn’t nearly as bad as outright selling souls or sacrifices to them. Sure, it’s not morally upright, but we’re long past being allowed black and white views on the world. Just look at your own witch. She’s practically a public menace, and even the car detailers in the area are beginning to be concerned because of her. But overall she provides a net positive to the world. Using Solomonic magic to force the evil buggers to do some good in the world is a non-issue. Clergy used to do it all the time. Even one of the popes was rumored to do so.”

“Aren’t we getting sidetracked?” I asked

“It’s that kind of morning.” Liah answered

“Back on topic. Management position. Why. Answer.”

“Okay, Grug. You’re really living up to the Marine Corps stereotypes there. To clarify, this promotion is contingent on our current mission being successful.” She paused. 

“And if it isn’t successful? What penalty is there? This really seems like a carrot and stick sort of situation. So what’s the stick?”

“You’re already on the radar of one of the biggest figures behind the politics of this country. Even if you manage to survive, a mistake can leave you like Mrs.S here.” The cat by her side nodded. “I don’t have any stick on-hand. Just the carrot of a higher paycheck and increased responsibility.”

“That sounds almost as bad.” The last thing I want is more responsibility. I still have the faint hope of returning to a comfy NEET life. I’m surprisingly not greedy. 

“I’m sure it does. But still, you’ll do it. I don’t have to blackmail you this time or anything.” She grinned.

“What makes you so sure?”

“Are you forgetting? We have your files, psych evals, everything.”

“Sure, I may not be the most mentally stable, but even I’m not crazy enough to willingly do something this stupid. 

“You have a tendency to do your best to keep promises and oaths. At this point, after spending all this time reading the grimoires and texts stashed away here, you know how important that sort of thing can be.”

“And when did I promise to do this?”

“Blah blah blah ‘...preserve and protect the Constitution against all enemies, foreign and domestic…’ you do remember that part, right? It gets thrown about all the time, though usually by overweight boomers at gun ranges. I’m fairly certain that would apply here. But that’s not the only reason you’ll do it.”

“What other reason would I have?”

“You clearly have a severe distrust of authority. At the risk of making you sound like a control freak, wouldn’t you be happier if you were in a situation to make the nebulous them of the government have a bit less ability to project authority? People like you always do prefer having a solid means to act. Becoming ‘management’ would put you in a situation to do so.”

“And become as twisted as you?”

“Sacrificing your normalcy for the sake of serving your country is a minor thing considering how weird you were to begin with. Considering Mrs. A here already sacrificed her human form because of the same person we’re dealing with, your sense of what’s proper being messed up is peanuts in comparison. And the compensation is far better than the payment you’re getting from your training accident in the military.”

“I’d at least like you to pretend I won't end up being some manipulative bureaucrat.” I reached for my coffee, only to realize Sandra had been too caught up in the conversation to pour any. Seeing my annoyed look, she jumped to work pouring. Her cup first of course, but Mrs. S took the second with a grateful nod before responding. 

“I know you have it in you to be a perfectly decent manipulative bureaucrat. At least you’ll lean more towards the Ron Swanson approach to government employment. That’s why we picked you in the first place. Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely, but the kind of power you’ll be stuck with will at least be funn- will at least be limited in how it can be corrupted.”

“We still haven’t addressed the elephant in the room. I have no management or people skills.”

“Small issues. Our department is so hush hush that HR is non-existent. And your better half here is perfectly fine with people, far better than most cats. We can have her be a second-in-command of sorts. We clearly don’t hire based on how much of a people-person you are.”

“She’s right, you know. Just look at her.” Mrs. A spoke. As a group we really suck at keeping serious conversations serious.