Ying Zhen’s actions seemed quite puzzling. He walked down the road behind the estate, soon getting away so far that she couldn’t even see it anymore behind the other buildings when she turned back to look over her shoulder. Even though she didn’t understand, Laryana didn’t ask. Surely, he would explain it to her if he believed she should know. Instead, she used the opportunity to look around.
Her master had told her about the place he hailed from, the cities of the gods up in heaven. It had always sounded fantastical and she had always wished she could go to see them. After Heidan’s disappearance and the news of his death, she had never dared to try to enter any of them though. She had only gone to one of the mortal cities that surely couldn’t compete with the splendor of immortal places.
Either way, this city that was created based on Ying Zhen’s memory was very different from the city she had seen back in those days. The alleys here were small but paved very evenly and the buildings, although not high, had beautifully carved doors and wooden beams held up the curved roofs that pointed toward the sky. It looked quite picturesque, very much like the type of city she would have loved to see in real life.
Was this the place where Ying Zhen had grown up? Even if not, surely, he had lived in this city for a while. Otherwise, he probably would not remember it in such detail. Or maybe his memory was simply excellent. It also wouldn’t surprise her. After all, he had also remembered so many details of the scenes they had come upon throughout his soul path. It wouldn’t be strange for him to remember much of a city he had only passed through a few times either.
Ying Zhen noticed that Laryana seemed curious but he didn’t say anything either. This … was not the time to give her a tour of his hometown, although he had to admit that the idea was tempting.
He sighed to himself and tried to shoo the thought off. Clearly, he shouldn’t be the type to be tempted by beauty but he couldn’t deny that he was when it came to her. He wasn’t sure why either. Maybe it was because he felt her trust in him or maybe that smile before had hit him worse than he had cared to acknowledge at that moment. It wouldn’t be strange either. Even Chun Hua and her fiance had looked as if they were at a loss of words. Why would he be any different?
The two of them reached the back entrance to one of the houses on another street and Ying Zhen finally stopped and turned toward her after all. “This is the place where I lived.”
Laryana looked at the building next to them curiously. Just like the others, it was only one story high. From the back, it looked somewhat solemn but maybe this was only because Ying Zhen had told her that this was his house. She just felt that his place should be liked that so she might be projecting her feelings unto what was a building just like any of the others. “So this city …”
Ying Zhen raised his brows but after a moment, he already understood what she meant. “This is the place where I grew up. Chun Hua and I … we were friends from very early on. Our families were of similar status even though mine had lost some of its splendor by that time thanks to the ongoing war.”
“I see.” Laryana fell silent, not wanting to dredge up any other unpleasant memories.
Ying Zhen glanced at her and deeply felt that his skill of making conversation wasn’t as good as it had been in his youth. He sighed silently and then opened the door, showing the interior of the house. “I didn’t return here for many years. After what happened with Chun Hua, it was too painful. Instead, I stayed away, pouring even more of my heart into the war. To think that now, so many years have passed, but I still wasn’t able to save anyone …” He shook his head. This was something he would rather not think about too deeply.
Laryana followed him into the building, her gaze brushing over every detail of it from the ceiling to the furniture and the paintings hanging on the wall, to the wooden floor to their feet. She could even see some faint scratches in the wood or a place that was uneven in color as if something had stood there long ago. Ying Zhen’s memory of this place was indeed extraordinary.
She wandered through this room before she turned back to him. “You always seem to regret that you couldn’t save people.”
Ying Zhen sighed and went to sit down at the side of the room, reaching to pour himself a cup of tea. “That’s not wrong and not too unexpected either. I fought in the war because I was sick of all the loss I saw around me. I wanted to fight to protect our people but each time, the final outcome was like this: family, friends, brothers-in-arms, lovers, acquaintances, strangers … they would all die no matter what I did. Over the years, I might have started to think that …” He furrowed his brows and looked at the tea that seemed strangely tasteless. “I might have started to think that it didn’t actually matter.”
Laryana hesitated for a moment but then walked over, sitting down on the other side of the Ta couch. “Surely, you must have saved lives though.”
Ying Zhen glanced at her and gave a hum. “Some, maybe. But with the ongoing war, it feels like it hardly matters. I can save them once but can I still save them the second time? Now, the army of our demon race is lost down to the very last man. Who is going to save our people now?”
Laryana fell silent. She didn’t know enough about the world outside to persuade him. Maybe she shouldn’t either. If life was that harsh, no words could change that. Trying to do so would only be seen as a mockery of his pain.
Ying Zhen glanced at her before retracting his gaze, feeling that maybe he had said too much. “Well, I am here now. If I manage to do what I have come here to do, then I guess you can count it as me saving some of our people. Maybe there will even be hope for our people as a whole. It still remains to be seen.”
Laryana nodded faintly. “Then what about your soul path?” He had simply sat down after returning to his home so she felt a little weirded out. Surely, this was not normal?
Ying Zhen smiled and leaned back. “You’ve seen how far we walked to get here. I … I want to see if I will notice anything.”
“Notice?” Laryana was confused but then realized that he had to mean the slaughter that had happened at the house of Chun Hua. “You mean the attack?”
“Mn.” Ying Zhen nodded and his brows furrowed together tightly. “Back then, I was …” He searched for the right word but couldn’t find it. In the end, he shook his head. “I left the city that day instead of going to her wedding or even staying home. I didn’t want to know what was going on. Thus, I only found out about the attack when I returned the next day.
“All these years, I have regretted it. I am always thinking that I could have done something, protected somebody or even her at least, if I simply went there. But you’ve also seen it: Chun Hua would not have minded but her mother sure did. Even though I brought another woman along which would imply that I was not there to try and crash the wedding, she still wouldn’t even let me stay until the ceremony. So even if I went there that day to see Chun Hua, it wouldn’t have changed anything.”
Laryana sighed and leaned back as well. “But you think that if you hadn’t left the city but stayed home, you might have noticed signs. Then at that time, you could have rushed over to help.”
“Indeed. So that is what I am waiting for. I want to see whether it would have changed something. If not … then I guess all my remorse was for nothing.” He turned to look at the door, his gaze thoughtful.
To be honest, he knew it was unlikely that he ever would have stayed home on that day. His damn pride was something that had stood in his way quite often over the years. On that day, it would have prevented him from being anywhere close by, just like it had prevented him from trying to attend the ceremony without a woman accompanying him.
But even though he knew that he still wanted to try. After all, what had kept him awake for many nights in his long life had always been those ‘what ifs’ of life. What if he had stayed in the city? What if he had gone to the house of Chun Hua’s family? What if he had returned earlier and gotten acquainted with her husband-to-be, facilitating a good relationship, and making it more likely to be allowed inside?
There were so many things he could have done differently, so many choices he could have made otherwise. Just one change would be enough to completely change the outcome. That was what he had always believed.
This soul path of his had shown him that he was right to a certain degree. Some things could indeed be changed. But the soul path had also shown him that he had been wrong in another sense: The outcome he finally got could be even worse.
Maybe it was stupid to stay here to find out what would have changed if he really spent that day in the city. After all, he knew that it was long in the past and could not be changed anymore. And even such a change might not have brought about what he wanted to see. Since he was aware of all that, why bother? But the thing was that he wanted to see it with his own eyes. He wanted to experience that different reality. It was simply … for his own comfort. He wanted to prove to himself that it wasn’t his lack of effort but some kind of fate that could not be circumvented.
It could be called paradoxical that he was wishing for that. After all, he was here in the Underworld precisely to change the outcome of one of those scenes the soul path had shown him to always end the same no matter what he tried. Why would he hope to be proven wrong that fate could be changed?
The answer to that, Ying Zhen was afraid, was an entirely selfish one: He wanted to rid himself of his guilt. In his eyes, the reason things had ended like that on Chun Hua’s wedding day was that he had left after his pride had been hurt. Her death, the death of her family members, and newly-wedded husband, as well as the lost lives of all the guests and servants who had been there that day, were carried on his back. If he could, he naturally wanted to rid himself of that weight but he could only do so when it was indeed true that no matter where he had been that day, he couldn’t have prevented things to end this way. Thus, in this very specific instance, he hoped he would be unable to change anything even if, overall, he still wanted to save the whole demon race from the claws of death.
