Kiasu. 怕輸. It's the fear of missing out. It's the cause of my mother's anxiety. She's always husting, always on the lookout for the next big thing, always buying into the latest fad. Countless times, we were forced to camp out in front of a store before it opened, for fear of missing out on something other people might get before we do. We spent so much time waiting in line for mediocre products. It was exhausting, but you know what's worse?

Kiasi. 驚死. It's the fear of losing. It's the fear of death. Ironic, since death is exactly what I'm facing right now. All my life, I've never, ever taken risks. I've been a good girl, always staying home to study, always doing my homework, never playing hooky.

That ends now, with my death. When I'm reborn, I'm not going to be so cowardly. I'll take risks. I'll play around. I'll enjoy myself.

Life is pain, then you die. I knew the truth of that now. The only thing I had to show for my nineteen years of life on this Earth were good grades in school and admission to the National University of Singapore. If I’d known I was going to die so young, I’d have partied more. There was that one cool glow party I regret passing up because I had an exam the next day. My life was full of such missed opportunities.

Now the end was fast approaching, and I wanted to warn Seraphiel that I wouldn’t be able to talk to him for a long time.

At first, the dreams had taken me to the lab every day for a week after we had first talked. Then the time between dreams had started getting longer and longer from Seraphiel’s point of view until now we only met once a month. For Seraphiel, four years had passed since we became friends.

I’d thought he was twelve when we first met, but he was actually a childish-looking fourteen. Seraphiel was turning eighteen soon. He was almost his adult height and was a head taller than the tallest scientist in the EL lab. His body hadn’t filled out yet and he was a gangly teen, all elbows and knees.

His black hair went down to the middle of his back now. I was sorry that I had said I liked his hair long when I found out that the reason the lab workers never cut it. The longer his hair, the easier it was to test its ignition point. Thankfully, they had stopped at burning just the ends of his hair but I had been horrified the first time I saw them do it. Seraphiel hadn’t even flinched.

Frankly, I was amazed that Seraphiel remained sane despite everything they did to him. Children were really resilient.

He told me that there had been other children. He’d grown up in a special orphanage where the scientists gave them EL treatments but year after year children had died or gone away until, finally, only Seraphiel was left. That was when he was transferred to this laboratory.

Despite the unusual environment he was in, Seraphiel was just a normal teenager. We mostly talked about everyday topics like the weather, Seraphiel’s schoolwork, and the EL treatments. They didn’t allow a television here, but they let him read fiction books that I read over his shoulder. We spent a lot of time talking about those stories. The boy was lonely and had no one to talk to except for me this past year.

Now I had to break the news to him that I was leaving.

“But why!” The longer Seraphiel and I talked, the more he relaxed and started talking like the teenager he was, unlike the more mature tone he used with the lab workers. Now he was whining and kept repeating the same word, “why?”

“Listen, it’s not like I want to leave. I have to,” I said for the dozenth time. I didn’t want to tell him I was dying in the other world. “I’m sorry.”

“But why are you leaving?!” He still kept his voice so soft I could hardly hear it but the urgency in his tone was clear.

“...”

“Will I ever see you again?” He quickly corrected himself. “Hear you again I mean.”

“That’s the plan, kid. In around ten years I’ll be in Kraej City.”

“Ten years?! That’s forever,” he said, horrified.

The goddess meant for me to tag along behind Oren’s group. Oren would be in Kraej City ten years from now, which is why I needed to be there.

The hero of “Tales of Vesterland'' was Oren, a farm boy from a backwater rural town. As soon as he came of age he left for the bright lights of Kraej City and enlisted in the Kraej Company’s private army.

“That’s how it has to be,” I said. “If there’s anything you want to say, you better say it now. I’m not sure if I will be able to return anytime soon.”

“What’s your secret nickname for me?” Seeing that he was getting nowhere, Seraphiel changed the subject.

“It wouldn’t be a secret nickname if I told you, would it?” I had always refused to answer this question but, since it was probably our last day together until I reincarnated, I decided to tell him. “Ely.”

“That’s a stupid nickname,” he said. “They already call us ELs. Why would you call me Ely?”

“I’ve been told I have an awful naming sense,” I admitted.

“It’s alright, I’ll let you call me Ely if you tell me your name,” said Seraphiel.

I laughed. “Deal. My name is Asteria. It means ‘from the stars’ or ‘starry one,’ you know.”

I have a different name right now but Asteria was the name I had decided to use in Verden.

“Asteria.”

“Ely.”

“How will you find me in ten years? How will I know it’s you? I don’t know what you look like,” said Seraphiel.

“I don’t know,” I said.

“You don’t know?!” I could tell Seraphiel wanted to scream but he had to keep his voice soft to avoid detection by the lab staff.

“We’ll probably just run into each other at some point,” I said.

“No, no. We need a plan, okay? Meet me right outside the north city gates. I’ll be there every eighth of the month.”

“Oh,” I said. “It sounds like a good idea but you would be wasting a lot of time since I don’t know the exact time I’ll be there.”

“Are all angels annoying like you?”

“No, I’m one of a kind.”

“You haven’t said if you’ll meet me there.”

“Alright. I will,” I conceded.

“If I’m not there on the eighth, I’ll be there on the ninth or tenth.”

“No, if you can’t make it on the eighth, just wait until the next month. I don’t think I’ll be able to wait for three days. I’ll have a lot to do.”

“Fine.” Seraphiel sounded less than happy.

“I’ll be there with bells on! You’ll know it’s me because I’ll call you Ely and I’ll introduce myself as Asteria but you have to promise me one thing.”

“What?”

“Bring some candy with you. I love candy.”

“Candy will rot your teeth,” said Seraphiel.

“Don’t talk like an old man.”

“You’re the one who’s old. And you stink!”

“What?” I was surprised. As far as I could tell, I had no physical presence here. How could I smell of anything?

“Hmph. You smell like some sort of flower. There’s also a feeling of something I can almost smell but can’t.”

“Oh, I see. I can also sense your presence that way but it’s like a sound I can’t quite hear. It’s a strange sensation,” I said.

“Then maybe we’ll be able to…”

But the final darkness overtook me and I knew it was time.