Epilogue 01:

Hang Hang was currently very happy to eat a big bowl of noodles and afterwards he could contently head to bed, but unfortunately Liang Ze was still not home at this late hour.

Hang Hang looked at the phone, it was 2:03 in the morning. He tried to call Liang Ze, still — no answer.

He had no doubt that Liang Ze must be drinking with his friends and was more than likely too drunk to tell the time.

This bad drinking habit of Liang Ze’s had become quite severe. Hang Hang knew Liang Ze was such a person from the beginning, but when they started to be friends Liang Ze had showed some convergence. However, after a few years this new couple had turned into an “old married” couple, and this “old wife” had started to show all of his flaws. He started to return to his old life style where he goes drinking at the pubs with those literary people.

Hang Hang remembered now that once Liang Ze joined that literary association it was the beginning of all evils. You see it is a bunch of literati gathering together, it is a group not a team; it is too many for a singing group of twenty people but a dancing group cannot have more than thirty people. Then why do they gather together? If it’s not for causing trouble, putting on a facade, badmouthing each other or touting each other, then what? With those kinds of topics it would not be exciting without alcohol.

When Liang Ze went drinking at first Hang Hang did not think too much of it or get annoyed, after all he is a grown man. Drinking? Then just go drinking. But later on, it became a frequent activity, which had caused a small crisis in their home income. Also Liang Ze dared to get on top of him when he got drunk and with that he had to voice out his concern.

Talking about frequently getting drunk.

Every three days he would drink a small amount but a festive drinking would happen every five days.

It was alright with just the small drinking. At best, you will get his signature on each of the tiles of your roof. It was nothing, since how many tiles can you have on your roof? Another time, he would wake you up from your sleep and start a discussion on contemporary philosophy, which only last for a few hours! After saying all he wanted to and spewing out all that he has in his stomach, he would lie down to sleep next to you like a child.

It was the festive drinking where things are not that decent. For example, Hang Hang would receive a phone call from the police station early in the morning and the police officer would say: “Your friend demanded to enter the Lama Temple at four o’clock in the morning, saying that it’s the best time of the day to pray to the Buddha. The Lama monk tried to explain to him that they are not open yet, but he didn’t listen and wanted to climb over the red wall to break into the temple! The monk could not persuade him and could not stop him, so the Lama monk had no choice but to call 110! {police station emergency number in China}” Another example, Liang Ze stepped out of the KTV lounge in a super drunken state, and wanted to pay for the bill. The cashier told him that the machine was down so they can’t accept a card payment, he started to slap his hand on the cashier counter trying to reason with them. Since he had too much to drink by this point, he started to talk gibberish and no matter how handsome you are at this point all the ladies would want to get away from you! It could be imagined that when he could not reason it out with them, he would start to get angry, and the result is that he would start to smash everything in the lobby, isn’t that right? In fact, Hang Hang thought that you can just go ahead and smash everything, I will pay for it all, but could you not stand up on the reception counter and dance? Well it would be ok if you just danced on there, but don’t take off your belt too. Another one, it is ok if you are too drunk, just don’t make a bed on the roadside. Still another time without a care in the world you wanted to break into Duan Qirui’s house*, if you wanted to go in and take a look that would’ve been fine, but why did you also want to leave your inscription on the beam of his house? If you have the ability to climb up to engrave your inscription, then don’t fall down! When you fell off, people went in and found you right? Why did you let those people take you to the police station as well? Everyone at the police station knows you so well, what did they say when they saw you? What you did is called vandalism!

{Translator Input: Duan Qirui was a Chinese warlord and politician, commander in the Beiyang Army, and the Provisional Chief Executive of the Republic of China (in Beijing) from 1924 to 1926 and the Premier from 1916 to 1918. He was arguably the most powerful man in China from 1916 to 1920.}

 

The beam

Now, let’s talk about the family income crisis.

When Liang Ze goes drinking it makes his friends very happy, why? They don’t have to pay! Whoever tries to pay for their drinking round, he would get angry at that person.

Hang Hang really cannot stand this! The two people are living together, obviously there is no such thing as your money and my money, right? And just like that, at the end of every month Hang Hang would feel like ripping his hair out. We’re not short on money, but we also don’t live on a pile of gold, right?

Due to this reason, Hang Hang did not just keep his own money away from Liang Ze. Whenever Liang Ze received his remittance, as long as the amount is over 5,000 yuan (appr. $725), he would take it and immediately deposited it into the bank. He would not even let Liang Ze know the bank pin number. This method allowed Hang Hang to reduce the expenditure of the big earnings, but the small earnings like 2,000 yuan or 3,000 yuan, he really had no control over them. Now that Liang Ze has become well-known in the writer’s world, many weekly magazines and newspapers came to him to have him write a column or an essay for their publication. Recently, the editor of some book publication proposed their plan of wanting to include Liang Ze’s essays into their collections. Liang Ze told this to Hang Hang, so Hang Hang asked him what the collections were called? Liang Ze answered with a smile: Beijing Drunkard!

Hang Hang threw a punch into the air. “You need to sober up!”

Finally, talking about getting too drunk and wanting to top Hang Hang.

Usually, Liang Ze would be very obedient and let Hang Hang put him in any position, but when he got drunk he would bang on the door violently. He would come inside with a rogue look on his face and body reeking of alcohol, at this point he would vigorously want to push Hang Hang down. But then you would straighten up! You don’t even know what you want to do!

In short, Liang Ze had made Hang Hang very angry.

Liang Ze seemed to never to listen anyway, cursing him was like cursing at the wind. Once his phone rang he was completely gone to the wild side.

No matter how earnestly Hang Hang tried to talk some sense into him he could only describe the result with two words — completely useless!

Therefore, Hang Hang had tried to unplug Liang Ze’s phone, turn it off and then locked the great writer away in the room.

But it was all in vain, his drinking friends would take a cab over to their house and call out to Liang Ze in front of their house.

One time, Hang Hang had earnestly asked: You say that you write every day with a bunch of petty bourgeoisie, but I wonder, what kind of help you can receive with a bunch of ridiculing profligates? What kinds of things can you write with them?

However, Liang Ze also earnestly answered: I still need to write to make money, right? Plus, if I don’t write where will I get the money to buy you a Versace shirt?

Hang Hang angrily said: Don’t buy it! I won’t wear it!

Abstinence is a bit similar to a drug detox. If the alcoholic does not have a firm determination, then in any case the people around them cannot persuade the alcoholic.

These shameful events had to occur before Liang Ze was forced to repentant and to refrain from drinking.

One day. Liang Ze received a call from an editor of some weekly magazine, the other person said: “Liang Ze, what’s with you recently ah! Look at what you have been writing ah!”

Liang Ze hesitatingly said, “Ah?”

The Editor said: “The other day I sent the wrong topic to you, ‘the art of living together with men’ was supposed to be issued to Zhao Xiao Man! I made a mistake but how come you just went ahead and wrote about it? You wrote, wrote…I’m telling you, I really don’t want to be reminded of what you wrote!”

Liang Ze listened on but he did not pay attention as a shiver ran up his spine. That day he did write an essay for this magazine after he came back from his drinking session; but…what did he write exactly? “The art of living together with men”…what could he have written about? What did he write to make the editor become so furious?

He thought that it must be very terrible.

And after a quick look at the cholesterol level from the medical report results that came back made Liang Ze decide to not dare to continue drinking.

So he said, “Shuaige, I want to quit drinking!”

Abstinence? You’re quitting my ass! You say abstinence, yet you always went out at night! It only lasted for a few days!

Hang Hang was angry.

***

Three o’clock in the morning is the peak time for those drinking parties that have many people who are ready to get drunk. In the beginning it was only Liang Ze, Jin Shi Shu (Full of Books) representative, Lao Gui and Wu Xiao Juan. “Full of Books” is one of the four best book publishers and the purpose for tonight’s dinner was that the publisher wanted to publish their essays, they even prepared the contracts for the three of them to sign. As a result, after they had all signed the contract, Wu Xiao Juan suggested that they should all have a drink at the bar. Liang Ze wanted to decline, saying that he had to go home. Wu Xiao Juan would not let him off that easily, so he said, “If you’re going to leave, what’s the point of calling everyone here?” Liang Ze’s face got darkened and said, “I’ve never asked for any gathering!” When Jin Shi Shu (Full of Books) representative left, Liang Ze also left the party. By coincidence, he was met with Long Yu, Hua Juan, Jiu Tong, Luo Yu Jing Ren and some others. The people from both sides greeted each other as their group had increased in number. They all came out of the bar and decided to head to a KTV lounge (Karaoke Lounge).

Liang Ze kept on saying he had to go home, but Long Yu only said, “What do you mean by going home? I’ll be locked away in the mountains tomorrow, so you should at least accompany me one or two shots!”

Long Yu is a screenwriter and his ability is comparable to his name*, he really has a flair for the language. This person always hangs out with the filming crew, investors and the literati; you will see him at most of the drinking parties. If you don’t see him participating in one, chances are the investor has locked him away to make him write.

{Translator Input: Long Yu – 龙语 – lit. meaning dragon language; meaning he has a very good skill with playing with words and has high level of vocabulary. Chinese language is just like English, where vocabulary is used to define a person’s language ability, or even their intelligence level.}

Liang Ze asked: where are you being locked away this time?

Long Yu answered: Lingshan.

 

{Translator Input: Lingshan – Mount Ling (Beijing)}

Liang Ze said: Oh, the scenery is very beautiful and it’s a calm place.

Long Yu grabbed the bottle and cursed: Calm my ass! They criticized my script saying it is way too long, and they also said that after three episodes I had yet to come up with a good motive for the whole drama. So they decided to send me there and told me to learn to get straight to the point in my writing!

Everyone heard this and began to laugh loudly. Later on Liang Ze could not resist Long Yu’s persuasion to drink, so he agreed with a face as if he was heading to his own execution and started to drink. The microphones were left mostly untouched {they’re at the karaoke place} from the beginning until the end of the KTV session, only Wu Xiao Juan and Hua Juan had used the two microphones in the room.

The drinking session wasn’t considered over until all nine people were completely drunk.

The only ones that were sober enough to stand up were Liang Ze and Lao Gui.

So the two of them sent each person home one by one, by the time Liang Ze’s taxi reached Yan Dai Xie Street the sunlight was already shining brightly.

Although it was still early summer, the morning was particularly cold. Liang Ze pulled up his collar as he discreetly walked into the courtyard. He really wished Hang Hang would be sleeping like a log in bed right now so that he could just quickly take off his clothes, snuggled into Hang Hang’s arms and pretended that he was a good kid that got home early.

It was still dark outside, but Liang Ze could still see Ying Ying’s bicycle.

Oh, her boyfriend picked her up yesterday? So she didn’t ride it home.

Regarding Ying Ying’s bicycle, Liang Ze had somewhat deep feelings towards it. He often asked to borrow her bicycle because Hang Hang would not allow him to drive home. Since the bars were close by he always rode it home.

To this day she has gone through many bicycles and Hang Hang is the one paying for them.

Why is that?

It’s like this.

—

One time, Liang Ze took the bicycle with him and after he drank his head off Long Yu started to cause trouble for him. He kept on saying that he wanted to push the bicycle for Liang Ze. So, Liang Ze and his bicycle were being pushed by Long Yu, however, the more Liang Ze was being pushed the more anxious he became. He could see that he was being pushed towards the moat so he quickly grabbed onto a willow tree, the result was that he was standing on the shore but the bicycle was in the moat.

 

An example of a moat in China

The first bicycle got scrapped this time.

And then, there are the second and third bicycles. Let’s slowly go over them.

The second bicycle was a brand new one and Liang Ze rode the bicycle to the restaurant, or more like he rode the bicycle into the restaurant. At that time, it was late into the night and Liang Ze had just finished his first round of drinking, then Wu Xiao Juan called him out to go for the second round. The small restaurant was located on Xi Si Street and since it was mid-summer the restaurant had its entrance wide open, so Liang Ze forgot to get off the bicycle and directly rode it into the restaurant. What do you think the restaurant would do? They told him to take his bicycle outside and lock it up. Liang Ze was quite cautious towards bicycle theft, so he specifically locked the bicycle to a fence. After he got out from his drinking session he found that the bicycle and the attached fence had disappeared.

For the third bicycle, Ying Ying deliberately bought a used one. She thought that Liang Ze could not get it stolen this time around. Unfortunately, it was just the opposite. One day, Liang Ze had gone out for three rounds of drinking. He had intended to go home after the third round, but Hua Juan suddenly jumped onto his bicycle and said, “We’re heading in the same direction, give me a ride.” Liang Ze said, “What do you mean by giving you a ride? You should hail a cab home since I’m too drunk to even see my own way to home.” Hua Juan waved his hand and said, “That’s ok, let’s go. As brothers we should share life and death with each other.” Seemed like those words had jinxed them. They did not crash into anything, but the bicycle suddenly disintegrated. The front brake fell off and Liang Ze and Hua Juan almost rolled off of the road like two meatloafs.

After that, Hang Hang did not allow Liang Ze to take Ying Ying’s bicycle. Hang Hang always tucked 100 yuan into Liang Ze’s trouser pocket whenever he went out drinking, and told him to refrain from sending people home. Just in case he could not reject the duty, at least he would still have money to take a cab home. Not that Hang Hang was being unfounded, if Liang Ze was in a good mood he would send his friend home from Xin Jie Kou Road to Datong County. {Approximately 306 km / 190 mi – around 3 hours 40 min by car with China traffic}

{Translator Input: unfounded – having no foundation or basis in facts. Similar to groundless; the reason I do this is because someone asked me what “woo” means. So I guess when an English word is not widely used, I should put the definition here to save everyone time and energy to look up the dictionary, I know viewing this on the app is not an easy thing ^^}

Going back to Liang Ze looking at Ying Ying’s not so old yet not brand new bicycle, he was trying to figure out what was wrong with it.

Where on the bicycle does it seem wrong?

Liang Ze went in closer to take a look.

Ah, found it! It isn’t locked!

That’s not good. The door to the yard is wide open, what if it gets stolen?

Thus, Liang Ze bent over trying to lock the bicycle.

Ying Ying’s bicycle front wheel was not locked, but the back wheel was already locked by another U-lock. Even though when he bent over it put him in an awkward position Liang Ze tried to turn the twist in the front lock, it wasn’t working so he tried to bend down a bit more. And the result was…he tried to reach out too far and “ding”; his forehead roughly hit the bike bell.

 

U-lock

 

{This is how you should lock your bicycle with a U-lock. I notice that for those who have never rode a bicycle in their life (ME!) would never understand why Liang Ze has a hard time with locking the bike. But after looking at this picture, I hope you have a better idea of why locking a bicycle is such a difficult task ^^ The first picture is representing Ying Ying’s bicycle; I think the second pictures only apply for bicycles in America, but I might be wrong. Like I said, I have never lived anywhere else asides from America =.=}

The upstairs window opened, Hang Hang stuck his head out.

Liang Ze did not even have the strength to look up, he was holding his head in pain, it seemed he hit a crucial area of his head. Liang Ze was rubbing his head as he was thinking it would be swollen up really bad.

Hang Hang scolded from upstairs, but Liang Ze could not even make out a word he said. He could only hear the buzzing sound of the bike bell ringing in his head.

Hang Hang cursed Liang Ze for coming home at dawn and in return Liang Ze tried to explain that he did not drink much. Hang Hang asked, “Not much you say, yet your head has such a big goose-egg! How can you get swollen this big?” Liang Ze could only keep his silence.

The swell didn’t only stay there for a week, but for a whole month. Hang Hang’s scolding and the ringing sound of the bicycle bell kept circling in Liang Ze’s head.

Drink! Drink! Drink!

Drinking is the source of all evil.

Liang Ze wrote two sentences in big letters and pasted it right in front of his desk: Love Shuaige, Stay Away from Alcohol.

When Liang Ze had finished writing his script, Hang Hang lit up an alcohol lamp every night and at the exact time he would place it on Liang Ze’s desk and say, “What are you staying away from? If you drink yourself to death then that’s fine. If you’re not dying from drinking then let the alcohol burn you to hell.”

 

{Translator Input: I have to explain here. Hang Hang was holding the alcohol lamp; so he was making the pun with the word “alcohol” so he means to say that drinking is bad for your health and can lead to accidental death; if Liang Ze still keeps on drinking; Hang Hang would prefer to burn Liang Ze to death with the alcohol lamp, it’s still a dead cause by alcohol but with different method or way to put it}

“Shuaige…I was wrong…”

Liang Ze’s heart was weeping silently.

—

At a later time, Hang Hang heard a joke from Hai Hong, so he decided to share it with Liang Ze on Wang Wang.

Love 123: Online?

I’m Handsome: Yup!

Love 123: Hai Hong just told me a funny joke.

I’m Handsome: Ooh, tell me.

Love 123: You’re free now?

I’m Handsome: Yup! Just tell me! Just two more strokes then I’m done.

Love 123: It is about a few people that like to go drinking together. One day something came up so they ended their drinking session early; one of them was so wasted that he couldn’t walk home. The other three said that it’s really cold this winter so we should cover him with something. They covered him up with something and the next morning the person who got wasted woke up and found that his upper body was being pressed down by three bicycles.

I’m Handsome: …

Love 123: You don’t find it funny?

I’m Handsome: It’s funny. Fortunately, those other three didn’t drink too much or that person might not able to survive with three Citroen pressed down on him.

 

{Translator Input: Citroen – a major French automobile manufacturer.}

Love 123: You know that I’m making fun of you, right?

I’m Handsome: It’s not just that you’re making fun of me, I think Hai Hong told you this joke. Which means she wanted to make fun of me first!

Love 123: Hahahahaha

I’m Handsome: I really didn’t get drunk to that point.

Love 123: I don’t believe you!

I’m Handsome: I didn’t go out for a whole month!

Love 123: ┐_┐(Note: The expression of squinting, Sogou Pinyin {a chinese pinyin input app}doesn’t have it yet…so it’s my DIY {do it yourself}). I really can’t trust you.

{Translator Input: the “NOTE” is from the author herself, and the {} is my explanation of those words; remember she wrote this back in 2008, so some emojicon might not have seen its face on earth until like a year or two later ^^}

I’m Handsome: I really didn’t drink one drop of alcohol! If I drink too much I might die early; then I can’t be with you forever.

Love 123: You even know how to sweet talk!

I’m Handsome: Love Shuaige, Stay Away from Alcohol.

Love 123: I’ll see how that goes.

Hang Hang smiled and sipped on his grapefruit tea, moving his eyes to look outside the glass door he saw it was a green summer.

[-END-]

Proofread: Jesse