CHAPTER 11:

PROFESSIONAL BANDITRY

*

Quite some time after, I was walking along the same river when I heard the sound of people talking some distance ahead. Initially excited at the prospect of meeting a human at last, I quickly turned cautious, as thus far everything in this forest had tried to kill me. So I dropped a knife down at my foot, intended for it to be an emergency escape, then crouched down and slowly approached the source of the noise.

As I neared them I quickly hid behind a tall bush, and made a gap between the leaves to observe the situation. As I did, a faint dandelion smell entered my nose, which was strange because I couldn't see any of those nearby. But that wasn't important, so I brushed it aside and focused on observing the scene.

There were four men dressed in seemingly brand new leather armors, with hair and beards cleanly trimmed and combed - in contrast with their blemished, yet still somewhat clean faces. They were sitting around a campfire, eating and drinking. On the fire were several meat skewers, sizzling as fat was dripping down (which reminded me that I haven't eaten or drunk for a few days already, though strangely hunger and thirst had not attacked me at all). Next to them were a few bottles of wine, and each of them was holding a piece of paper as they were engaged in a conversation. 

The man to my right, the one with a clean shaven face, hand holding a leather folder, was talking. "Right, can each branch announce their month's yields in order, please."

The man directly in front of me, wearing a pair of glasses, was the first to speak. "Border branch, 67 gold and 50 silver from smuggling, 120 gold and 45 silver from illegal goods trafficking, and 100 gold from robbery."

Next, the man to his right, bearing a mustache, read his paper. "Slum branch, 35 gold, 40 silver and 86 copper from pickpocketing and 80 gold's worth of unliquidated stolen silverwares."

Finally, it was the man with a full beard's turn to speak. "Main road branch. 325 gold in total from stolen goods. Also, from today's robbery, 26 units of weapons in various types, a lord's business permit and a hostage, which from my interrogation with him, is supposedly from a big trading company."

When he finished reading, the other three men applauded. "Great job", "what a model", "they broke the record again", and "how can I be like you", as if they were in a business meeting.

Then the man with the leather folder, seemingly the boss, gestured everyone to calm down, then stood up to speak. "Alright alright. I see that the Main road branch has outperformed once again. But that's not to say that the other branches are lacking in comparison. Let it not overshadow the fact that everyone has achieved great success in their own respective field, and I hope all of you will continue to deliver in the upcoming quarter report.

"And now, in celebration of another month of successful banditry, we raise our glasses! "

""To our success!""

And everyone drank a single gulp from their bottle.

"Okay, let's stop here today. Remember, everyone must drink responsibly, so as not to affect our work and our body. Both are equally important, so take care of yourself, alright?" The boss told the other.

I see, they're bandits… Do you expect me to believe that crap?!! I flipped the table (figuratively, of course). Bandits were supposed to dress like hobos, smell like rags, talk funny and be drunk 25 hours a day. These guys sounded like Kevin from accounting, in a meeting with his boss about the company's earnings! What sort of crazy world have I entered for bandits to behave like the average civil servants?! And what with responsible drinking? You guys are bandits, act like them!!!

...Though if I ever get a job, I'd want that guy to be my boss ngl.

"Okay okay, enough about work. Boss, did you know Steve here has got his eyes on a girl?" The man with a mustache spoke.

Steve. One of them is called Steve.

"Oh, I thought you said you didn't care about that before?" The boss was mildly surprised.

"Hey! I told you to keep it a secret!" The man with glasses yelled.

Then the man with the beard butted in. "Our Steve is interested in a girl? Tell me more."

"Of course! See, there's this blonde farm girl from a village near here named Viella that this guy met when he was sneaking in a house the other day. He tripped over a shovel and got bitten by a dog who heard the noise. The girl, who was nearby, heard the commotion and headed over to find Steve with his leg covered in blood. 

Unexpectedly, she immediately bandaged him up and even gave him some bread. And when he asked her why she didn't ask him who he was or why he was there, she said she didn't care and only wanted to heal someone who was injured. And since then he has been unable to get his eyes off the girl. Do you guys often see Steve disappear on his own and wonder where he's off to? He went to see Viella, that's where. Even buys flowers every time too."

"Ooohhh…" the three bandits collectively mocked poor Steve, who went beef red.

...I take it back, these people aren't bandits, but high school girls. Never have I seen bandits gossiping about their love life like this. And you, Steve! Stop blushing as if you were caught doing something bad by your parents. You are the bad guy for god's sake!

Right. I'm done. Packing up all my stuff, jumping off a cliff, then when I meet that stupid god again, punch him in the face and give him a middle finger while saying "screw you!"

*

SoggySpaghetti

Chapters will be short until I stop being overworked to death.

(This is not a joke it's a legitimate cry for help). Help.