Chapter 1

 

June 16, 2018

Dear Diary,

Dad is ill and scary on meds and chemo. Mum gets the brunt of it. Little Raian is always locked in his room playing video games. So I go to Ocean’s house. I go and act spoiled, sprawling on his couch, eating all his snacks, listening to blaring music…

 

 

Chapter 2

 

August 21, 2018

Dear Diary,

Today I saw Ocean kissing another man outside the front door. I knew it was over then. I sprinted for Beachy Head, the one famous for the many people who’ve committed suicide on it. Ha, it’s funny. Other places have a famous lover’s tourist spot while we have a suicide cliff. Maybe that means something? Maybe it explains why my life is the way it is?

 

 

Chapter 3

 

To my surprise, there was already another man there. He was tall with dark longish hair and a large black coat. I couldn’t see his face because his back was to me as he faced the cliff but I assumed he was handsome. Before dad became scary and mum started crying all the time, they taught me to wait my turn. So I decided to watch a line of ants busying themselves with a crumb instead while occasionally prodding them with a twig. 

 

 

Chapter 4

 

 

“Are you going to dissuade me?” I jerk backward mid prod. 

“Uh, yes?”

“Don’t bother.”

“No, I mean I was saying yes I heard you, I mean no I wasn’t going to dissuade you, I mean-” I fumble over my words and the man impatiently interrupts.

“Then what are you doing here?”

“Watching ants. No! I mean, waiting for my turn.” The man finally whips around to look at me and I was right. He has broad, sharp features giving him a commanding and fierce air. Handsome, definitely handsome. 

“You mean you’re here to jump too?”

“Yes!” He peers at me curiously. Probably wondering why this baby-faced little Asian kid wants to end his life. Maybe he doesn’t take me seriously like all the other adults in my life.

“Well, then that’s your business I guess.” He replies, turning back around. My mouth drops open.

“You-you’re not going to ask me why?” The man shrugs, it causes his broad shoulders to ripple. My gaze is glued to them. They’re even broader than Ocean’s. 

“It’s your business. You take care of it.” Immediately I see my father’s distorted red face, “you take care of your business, I’ll take care of mine!” 

I blink and it’s just me and the man and it looks like he’s about to jump. Before I have time to process, my mouth opens and the words spill out.

“It’s because my boyfriend cheated on me. Well, not cheated really because-”

“My boyfriend is dead.” I look up. He responded to me! He hasn’t jumped yet! Then I process his words.

“Oh. So you’re following him?”

“Yes. So kiddo be thankful that your boyfriend is still around.” I kick the sand.

“He’s not my boyfriend.” I pout. The man sighs, probably aggravated with me by now. I rush to explain “we-we weren’t really together. I just liked him.” I say, my voice growing quieter and quieter. The man turns around again, his face a mask of exasperation.

“So you’re planning on dying for a one-sided crush??”

“Well, and because no one would care.”

“You’re an orphan?”

“No, mum and dad are too busy to care about me.”

“But they’re still around? So, you’re throwing a tantrum here on this cliff because you feel neglected by your family?”

“It’s none of your business!” I shoot back, irritatedly kicking the sand more ferociously. 

“You’re right, it’s not.” The man glares at me, then whips his head back to face the edge of the cliff. A moment later he sighs again, an exaggerated sound carrying heavy irritation. Then he turns back around.

“You are not jumping from this cliff.”

“Huh?”

“I will not have you desecrate this cliff with your petty worries!”

“They’re not petty worries. You’re the one with petty worries!”

“I am going to join my dead lover! This is Beachy Head! The “Imperial Lord of the high southern coast” as described by the great romantic poet Charlotte Smith! This is not a place for someone like you to end your life because of some puny trifles!” Now my face turns red and I feel my pride questioned. And to think, I even bothered to wait for him!

“Trifles! I don’t even like truffles! I will jump off this cliff! I’ll prove it to you!” I run towards the edge but the man catches me with his tree trunk like arms and locks me against his broad chest. I kick and flail around, my fist hitting his face and leg kicking his thigh. However, he locks me even tighter. So I bend down and bite his wrist. Chomp!

“Ow! You! Little…” 

“I’ll bite you again you-” My threat dissolves into shrieks of laughter as he starts tickling me. After some unidentifiable amount of time we’re both out of breath and we plop down.

“Don’t crush the ants!” I cry.

“Ants?” 

“Over there.” I point to the side. “They were working hard to bring that crumb back home. I don’t want to squash them.” For a moment, the man doesn’t respond. Then he starts laughing. 

“Why are you laughing?” He doesn’t respond so I start laughing too.

“Haha, a bunch of haha ants, haha struggle to survive and bring a single crumb back home, but we idiots want to throw our lives away, hahaha.” At some point the laughter transforms into tears and before I know it I’m sobbing too. It’s the first time in a long while that I’ve sobbed in front of others, outside of the cranny between my bed and the table in my room.  After another stretch of unidentifiable amount of time the man stops crying and my sobs dissolve into sniffles. I gaze at the wet spots on the sand. They’ll be dry soon. 

“You’re not going to join your lover?” 

“He doesn’t want me to join him.”

“Huh?” I look up into his dark eyes in surprise.

“He died saving me and…” the man looks down, “his last words were ‘live well’” My mouth opens in a big O. 

“Then why did you want to follow him?” The man is silent, then he sighs.

“Because I’m a fool, a fool that wanted to throw his life away, a life gifted by his lover.” I gaze back at the wet spots. 

“Then I’m a fool too.” This startles a laugh out of the man.

“That’s right, we’re both fools. A big fool and a little fool.”

“I’m not little!” 

“I never said you were. You assumed it.” 

“Hey!” He bursts into laughter. It’s real laughter this time, hearty and booming. Once it dies down, he speaks.

“Well, little fool what do you say we leave this ominous cliff?” I give a little nod. The two of us get up, dust the sand off of ourselves, then we prepare to leave. After dusting myself off, I turn back to the man. “Will we ever meet again?” He’s gazing off into the horizon but upon my question he turns back to meet my eyes.

“Who knows?” He shrugs. I stand there as I watch him walk off into the distance. I want to call him back, ask him for his number, something, but somehow I don’t. I just watch his solitary back disappear into the distance.

 

 

Chapter 5

 

August 22, 2018

Dear Diary, 

The next day was the first day of the new school year and we had a new English teacher. Guess what? It was him!

 

Fun Fact:

Both the cliff and the poem are real. 

Link to poem: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/52387/beachy-head