To Brie:

Hey. So I don’t know if you’ve noticed me being off the past couple days but there’s something really important I need to tell you, and I know it’s going to sound completely insane but I don’t know what to do anymore and I need you to believe me. So. Ugh, god, I’m sorry.

The truth is, I’m not Emily. I have no idea why or how but yesterday morning I woke up as her but I’m not her. Fuck, I’m not even a girl. My name is Will Oliveira and as far as I can tell I’m pretty much the male version of Emily, as in, I am who she’d be if she’d been a guy. I have two brothers named Lucas and Gabe; I go to Eckhart High where I’m friends with Ryan and Natalie and Adrian; and I’m coming up on my two-year anniversary with my girlfriend Brie. But I’m not Emily. I’d never even heard the name Emily Oliveira, before yesterday.

Idk from my perspective it’s kinda like I just suddenly got turned into a girl, but like retroactively backwards, like you take my life and then rewrite me as a girl all the way back or something. I don’t know. I don’t think we’re all the way identical though, gender aside. Idk. I don’t know Emily that well. I’m just kinda figuring shit out as I go.

Ugh I’m so fucking sorry, Brie. I want to fix this so I can give you back your girlfriend but I don’t know how. I don’t even know where I can possibly begin. This is like something out of a movie and I don’t know what I’m doing, and I don’t expect you know what to do either but I just really needed to tell someone and I thought you should know.

guh idk fuck I can’t fucking send her this ughhhhhhhhhhhh  h

- - -

“Oop, oh, come on, come on, Waddle Dee—oh my goood, I can’t believe I just diiiied.”

“Jay—Jay’s having a moment, you guys.”

“I had a frickin hammer! Ugh, Maddy, I’m so bad at this gaaame.”

“Well, lucky for you, you’re not the one playing player one.”

“Think I’ve already seen this one?” I muttered to myself, pausing the video to scroll down through the YouTube-generated recommendations. I selected another episode of the same let’s-play series I’d been half-paying attention to and settled back into my chair, watching absently as some internet people continued their inauspicious trek through Kirby’s Return to Dream Land.

Emily’s laptop password had been the same as mine, just as it had been for our Facebooks. Her YouTube habits looked to be mostly the same, too—bands I listened to, review videos for classes I was taking, some vloggers and gaming channels I’d been following on-and-off for the past few years. Some dumb comedy channels I’d never admit to anyone else I liked to watch.

There were a few differences, some channels Emily was subscribed to that I wasn’t familiar with. Mostly what appeared to be various LGBTQ-related channels. I supposed that came with the territory, of her being gay and all. I’d watched a couple out of curiosity, but… it just felt kinda weird. Just another reminder that this wasn’t my life and I was really fucking out of my depth.

I’d said to myself this morning that tonight was the night that I was definitely going to tell Brie what was going on. Now it was evening, and I did not feel one bit readier to tell her. I’d tried writing her a letter, but… guh. What would she think, reading that?

And so here I was instead, mindlessly wasting time on YouTube, attempting unsuccessfully to quiet my thoughts until Brie messaged me. I was halfway through my fifth or something Kirby video when that text finally came.

Tue, Apr 11, at 11:32 PM

Brianna Ye: Hey Emmy!

Are you busy rn?

I exhaled, trying to relieve some of the tension in my chest, and typed a response back.

Emily Oliveira: Not really

Are you sleeping already?

Brianna Ye: Not yet

Just taking a break to have a snack

A moment later, another message came through, a selfie of Brie holding a mug tilted towards the camera so I could see it was full of what looked to be soup. I smiled.

Emily Oliveira: Wow, what a snack, looks delicious

Brianna Ye: Why thank you Emily, how nice of you to say that ?

Haha thanks, I helped cook it

I laughed. “What the hell?”

Emily Oliveira: You’re pretty good looking too I guess

Brianna Ye: You flatter me ;P

Okay that was pretty embarrassing wasn’t it

I’m kinda blushing now

Help

Emily Oliveira: You were the one who said it, not me

Brianna Ye: Oh no

Emily

Mmm

Quick, lemme see you, save me from my shame

A photo?

I guess… if she’s asking. I navigated to my camera app, hesitating slightly before smiling a lopsided smile and taking a selfie. I sent it back.

Emily Oliveira: Is that what you wanted?

Brianna Ye: Wow, amazing ?

Emily Oliveira: Uh huh

Brianna Ye: Hey, hey

Can we call for a bit?

I wanna see you >:3

Okay. A call. Okay.

I’d hardly just texted her back a quick “Sure” when I received an incoming video call from her. I got up from my desk chair and moved to my bed, sitting myself up back against my headboard before answering.

“Emmyyy!” Brie said as her face appeared on screen. She looked to be on her basement couch, with her short hair tied up in this little ponytail like she did sometimes. It was… cute.

“Hey, Brie.”

“You’re even prettier in person,” she said.

“What the hell?” I said softly. “Isn’t that more embarrassing than the other thing?”

“Well, it’s cuz the other thing was about me. If it’s about you, it’s fine,” Brie said. “Why, are you embarrassed when I call you pretty?”

“What? No, not really.”

Brie grinned mischievously. “Then you won’t mind if I say you’re the prettiest girl in the entire world? Just absolutely gorgeous.”

“…you done yet?” I said with a slight smile. I was blushing a little, despite myself. Even though this wasn’t my body. And I wasn’t a girl.

Brie laughed. “Emilyyy, if you react like that I’m gonna actually get embarrassed.”

“Did you have anything else you wanted to talk about besides how pretty I am?” I said. It… was kinda nice to hear that sort of thing, I supposed. I wasn’t used to being called pretty, or being someone who would get called pretty. But it was really embarrassing.

“I dunno, I just kinda wanted to see your face,” she said. “And eat soup.” As if to demonstrate, she raised her mug and took a swig, before immediately falling into a fit of coughing.

“You okay, Brie?” I asked as she recollected herself.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she replied, wiping off some soup from the side of her cheek. “I like, swallowed an entire cabbage. But it’s fine, I just wasn’t expecting it.”

“One entire cabbage, huh?”

“Anyway,” Brie said, moving her phone back to a position where her face was in the center of the shot. “How’s your day been, Emily?”

“You know how it was; we saw each other like nine hours ago.”

She laughed. “Wow, excuse me for trying to make conversation. If that’s how you’re gonna be I’m just gonna go back to calling you pretty.”

“Well, uh…” I trailed off. “I dunno, I haven’t really done a whole lot. Uh. I like, went biking with Gabe for a bit, and then I like, got home and took a shower and ate dinner and then that’s pretty much it.”

“Oh, where’d you bike to?”

“Uh, just like, we went on the trails. Stopped by the lake for a bit, and then we like, got frozen yogurt. We weren’t out for that long.”

“Well, that sounds like a whole adventure you had,” she said. “That occurred in the nine elapsed hours since I saw you last.”

“How about you?” I asked. “What’ve you been doing?”

“Uh, not a whole lot. I did some homework, and then my mom enlisted me to help in the vegetable processing, so I did that,” Brie recounted. “And now my fingers smell kinda like ginger.”

“Maybe try washing them?” I quipped.

She rolled her eyes. “Wow, I hadn’t thought of that. It like, permeates into your skin or something.”

“Well, I look forward to smelling your ginger hands at school tomorrow.”

“It’s just my new perfume, Emily; don’t you know it’s the latest trend to make yourself smell like a root vegetable?”

I laughed and then bit my lip, just staring at Brie’s face in silence for lack of a witty response. She smiled. For what felt like minutes we just sat there looking at each other. God, I…

I… love her a lot.

“Hey, Emmy,” she said.

“Hey, Brie,” I replied.

“How’re you doing?”

“Uh, fine.”

“That’s good.”

“How about you?”

“Pretty good.”

We returned to that shared silence, studying each other’s faces in that way we’d done on countless video calls past. She grinned again, and I felt my heart twinge in my chest.

Fuck. I’m about to fucking ruin this, aren’t I.

“…hey, um, Brie,” I began.

“Yeah?”

“There’s… um, something I guess I wanted to… talk to you about, kinda?”

“Oh? What’s up?”

“Uh. Well. So.” Oh god, oh god. “Um.”

Okay, okay, fucking hell. What am I saying? I thought of the letter I’d written, trying to come up with the words. What had my letter even said? I couldn’t remember anymore. What was I trying to say? “I’m not Emily. I’m a guy; I woke up in her body and I’m not her, my name is Will and I need your help figuring this out. I’m not Emily, my name is Will, I’m a guy, I’m not Emily, I—”

I imagined the look on her face she’d have, hearing that. Even if she did believe me, somehow, miraculously… what would she think? I—

I—I can’t fucking say that.

Goddamn it, I’m gonna hate myself so much later if I don’t do this now; I just—

Fuck it. Fuck me.

“…would you tell me a story?” I said finally.

She looked at me blankly. “Aaaabout what?”

“Tell me… about what you thought about me when we first met.”

She smiled. “Uh, sure, but why this, all of a sudden? Don’t you already know all that?”

“I don’t know, I… I was just kinda going through my old Facebook stuff and talking with everyone at lunch about like, how I came off back then. Or what kind of image I had and stuff. And I just kinda wanted to hear what you thought of me back then.”

“What I thought about you when we first met?” Brie repeated. She pushed a loose lock of hair out of her face back behind her ear. “That’s kind of embarrassing though, isn’t it?”

“I thought you said it wasn’t embarrassing for you to talk about me,” I teased, prompting a pout from her end.

“It’s not talking about you though, it’s talking about me thinking about you.” She laughed lightly. “Uh. Don’t you know that all already though?”

“Well, then you shouldn’t be embarrassed telling me if it’s all stuff I know.”

She furrowed her eyebrows at me and then glanced to the side, like she was mulling it over. “Well, okay, uh… what did you want to hear about?”

“I don’t know, just… when we met, like. I just wanted to hear how you remember it.”

“Uh, well,” she began. “When we met… well, it was fall of our freshman year, and… we were in the same sixth-hour physics class together? And… we were in a lab group with Tommy, Tyler, and Kaylee. And us.”

“I remember.”

She pretend-glared at me before continuing. “And… uh, I dunno, you seemed cool? For a bit you were kinda just that girl who sat next to me in physics, uh. I think my first impression of you—or like, my first memories of you were actually that I entirely missed your name when you introduced yourself and we went a solid couple weeks into the quarter before I finally figured it out, so.”

I smiled. “I remember that too. Thanks.”

“Hey, I was dealing with a lot of new people. It took me like a whole month to not get Tommy and Tyler confused, so you have no right to complain.”

“Wow, how rude.”

“I mean, they turned out to be kinda shitheads, I’m not that concerned about whether I offend them or not,” Brie said with a shrug. I laughed. “I’d be surprised if they like, still remembered either of us’s names, so.”

“Mm, true.”

“Well, so, yeah, y’know, Tommy and Tyler were like… that, and then Kaylee, like I knew her from before and she’s alright but we just weren’t like, ever gonna be close friends, but then you were there and we kinda just got along well so we ended up talking a lot?”

“Yeah.” That was about what had happened with me and Brie, too.

“And… I don’t know, I thought you were cool? I saw you like, hanging out with all those girls from track… and also Ryan, I knew you knew him from before. Uh. I… also knew your brother was the president of studgov, and sometimes I’d see you like, talking with older kids that I guess he knew and I was like, wow, she’s got connections.”

“Mm.”

“But I think like, I remember the first time, like this one time after class and we were just wandering around school together talking and I just was hit with this feeling of, y’know, wow, she’s so cool, I really do just like talking and being with you and I wanted to talk to you more? So I did?”

“What… was it that, uh. Made you like me? Or… yeah.” I asked hesitantly.

“What made me like you?” Brie looked at me oddly. “Uh, I mean—I don’t know, just… you were really funny and confident and interesting, and easy to talk to, and… you know. Uh. Really cute?”

“Uh huh,” I said, feeling myself blush once more.

“I dunno, I just I thought you were really a great person in general and… you know, cuz I didn’t know I was into girls then, so it never really occurred to me that—it never occurred to me that I was allowed to actually like you, or all that.” She thought for a moment before continuing. “I think there was like a bit where I thought maybe I was jealous of you? Just cuz I didn’t know like why I was so… thinking about you all the time and stuff. Or like, wow, she’s really amazing, I want to be her friend, y’know? A really good friend, if you will.”

“Mm.” I paused. “Meanwhile I was just sitting there next to you like, oh god, I don’t know why Brie keeps talking to me but I’m not gonna complain, hope I don’t make an absolute fool of myself.”

She laughed. “Well, I dunno, I thought you were pretty cool. Albeit also kind of a giant dork. Not that that’s a bad thing. And look where we are now!”

I smiled, gazing into her eyes as she beamed at me with just this tender expression absolutely bleeding with affection. Even if I’d been able to put together a cohesive thought I doubted I would’ve had the voice to speak it aloud. What would Emily say, if she were here right now?

Fuck, she… she loves her so much, doesn’t she.

“That what you wanted to hear, Emily?” Brie asked.

I nodded. “Yeah… yeah. Thank you.”

- - -

To Emily:

Hey. I don’t know exactly how much you know of what’s going on if you’re reading this, like I guess that depends on like, what actually happened to you, but I figure you can tell something’s up. Long story short, hi, I’m the guy who took over your life, I guess. Your secret alternate twin brother. or something idk who fuckin knows

Hope I haven’t messed anything up too bad for you. I’ve been trying not to but I guess you’ll be the judge of that. I don’t really know what I’m doing. You’ve kinda got a lot going on. I guess it’s all the same lot as I have but y’know it’s just different. You’re different from me. I don’t really know what I’m doing

Idk just… I hear about you. What brie and everyone else say about you and just… idk why are you so different from me? like… the way you talk to people. I can’t do that, or just, I don’t. or… fuck this sounds really stupid but like, yknow I always thought itd be cool to dye my hair but I never actually had it in me you know? But then you did. Or idk why does everyone say you’re cool and confident or shit when I’ve never been particularly either of those things.

Fuck that makes me sound like I’m jealous of you. I’m not I just, idk I’m just… I don’t know why, just. I mean of course I know you’re like, a girl and I’m a guy and that’s a pretty big difference. Like I guess I shouldn’t expect us to be identical. but just. Why are you so much more… idk. Something.

bleh I don’t know, this isn’t what I wanted to write here idk what I’m doing. Guh I’ll write something better tomorrow. Hopefully we don’t return to normal tonight so you don’t wake up and get stuck trying to decipher what the hell I’m talking about, hah.

I guess. if you do see this… say sorry to Brie for me, okay?

Guh. Fuck me. good night, I guess.