11/06/77

Dear J,

I’ve come to a decision. I’m going to tell my parents the first day I’m back in town for Thanksgiving. I was debating faking having the flu and waiting until winter break, but if I have to ruin a holiday I’d rather ruin Thanksgiving than Christmas. I should get in at around eleven am on Wednesday and I’m going to tell them before we leave the bus station. They won’t want to make a scene in public, I’m sure of that. They care about their image more than anything else. 

I won’t lie, I’m a bit scared. I know that this has to happen, that it needs to happen, but I still hesitate at the very thought of it. I’m tired of having to be two people. A dual life is exhausting. We aren’t designed to have to do this, or at least I’m not. I keep slipping up and having elements from my real life slip into my life back home. My parents are oblivious, but they’re not completely blind. They have to have noticed. I can’t count how much mail I’ve had delivered to the house addressed to Sam. They stopped trying to call me, thankfully. I guess they finally realized that I’m not going to answer. I know the only thing that they’re going to want to talk about and I am not having that conversation over the phone.

Sarah offered to come back home with me for moral support. She says that her mom has to work and that Nichole will still be in Indiana, so she has no reason to go home for the break. I haven’t given her an answer yet. I don’t know if I really want her to see Milford. I’m not embarrassed by where I’m from, but some of the people there embarrass me. Plus, I know I can afford a hotel room for one, but I don’t know how much more a room for two would cost. She’d be a complicating factor in a situation packed full of complicating factors. I don’t know, the whole thing is going to be a mess and I don’t know if I want her to feel like she has to help clean it up. She’s being a sweetheart about the whole thing though and told me I didn’t have to give her an answer until the 20th. 

No matter what happens with my parents and who’s with me, we have to meet up while I’m back in town. It’s been far too long since we’ve seen each other. I know that it’ll be cold, but maybe we could do our old Friday routine from senior year? Don’t feel pressured to say yes, it’s just an idea.

I’ll see you soon,

Sam