Has anyone ever told you? "Never question yourself and follow your gut feeling." I tried to stick by this. I never wanted to be or even feel different. Not today or any day as a matter of fact. It wasn't my choice. I hate it when people stare and question me either verbally or mentally- but you see it on their face. Those looks of disgust and uncertainty and if you're lucky, just plain curiosity. The small words that felt like knives digging at your conscience:

"You should dress like a lady" "Are you a boy" "Oh you look like your mum" " Excuse me girl/boy..."

They hurt- they hurt so much and I don't even know why. 

When I look in the mirror- I see those c-cups and that tiny waist that your aunt told you was snatched and that I should be "grateful" for it. Or your small figure that instantly made you a model. But then there's always the broad masculine shoulders- or the bushy eyebrows that should always be trimmed. And the acne, dark spots and hyperpigmentation that your mum tells you to cover with a little bit of foundation or concealer. They are all flaws- some may love them... but I don't. I don't want people to look at me and see them. I want to hide my boobs and keep them covered, because I know that boy you were friends with is going to want to touch them or that man who you walk past on the street is going to smirk at you and whisper under his breath

"you look nice babes"

But no matter your age- you're blamed for it. Don't dress like a slut or wear revealing clothes they say "you'll attract the wrong attention". But aunty, weren't you just telling me how much I should love my body and embrace it- but when I wear my hoodies or baggy clothes, bandage my boobs with cloth or sports bra since you won't buy we a binder and feel comfortable like I'm a knight wearing my armour you question me:

"Are you gay?" "Why would you want to dress like that" "You're a lesbian. right?" "Why are you so self-conscious?" 

All of this makes me question myself. I like being a girl- but I hate being a girl and no longer want to be identified as a girl- in hope that I can be treated like a boy. But boys all grow into men, and from what I've been raised up to know is that not all men are good... There are more bad than good. They are the same people who will "tek yuh away an rape yuh" my mum says in patois warning me before I go to a park a street away from my house.

 However, you still want me to marry a man- someone who was born as a man. Someone who’s stereotypically male, who has money power and dominance in the relationship. Not someone who is male- but actually has a fashion sense and will dress up in pink and wear a little bit of makeup just to gain that little bit of confidence before they go out the same way you and I would- just because you think they might be "fruity" or "gay".

All of this makes me question myself. It makes me slightly hate myself even more.