I have a hot take to make.

Anime moms are hot.

You see a mom in real life, and it's like, oh, that's a mom. But you see an anime mom and it's like bow chika wow wow.

I get that's generic cuteness at work. You draw a circle, two eyes, and a line for a mouth and it's a human face attractive by default. But even so, all of these teenage protagonists' mothers are hot.

Otaku are always on about cute girl this and cute girl that, and they adore her so much they buy her figurine and stick it on their bookshelf to stare vacantly into space with a placid smile eternally on her face.

I can feel them, though. Anime girls = cute af. Easy example, look at Rem from Re:Zero. After watching the anime, I bought a Rem keychain. She's hanging from my bookshelf on a tiny hook I bought from Lowe's. Totally adorbs.

But I'm 27. Lusting after teenage girls became a no-no once I hit my 20s, and it's only becoming less and less acceptable as I get on in the years. What's it gonna be like when I'm 43, in the midst of my mid-life crisis, and still gushing about fictional girls who are 16 or 17 at most? It'll be a matter of minutes before the FBI's knocking on my door with a new, shiny pair of silver bracelets for me.

Noticing the babeness of anime moms is but an evolution in what I find attractive in anime. They're kind, wiser, more mature, and, best of all, within my age bracket. I might be a little young for some of them, but what woman wouldn't want some young blood to remind her that she's still got it?

To hell with the cute high school girls—I want their moms. Introduce me to their moms.

But here's the tragedy in all of this, and I'll format it as a question:

Why isn't there an anime about someone's hot anime mom?

There is Do You Love Your Mom and Her Two-Hit Multi-Target Attacks?, but a.) I hear that's shit, and b.) that's not what I'm after. I want romance, I want passion, and I want drama. Not some ditz waving swords around and occasionally getting in a bikini.

I can picture the narrative already:

You've got the hot mom (obviously) and her kid. Could be a boy, but let's make them a high school girl. Now, the girl's falling behind in school. She's a hard worker, but academics isn't her strong suit, so her mother (who's single, by the way) hires a tutor for her daughter. The tutor's a handsome fellow, in his late 20s to early 30s. Most of his time is spent tutoring the daughter, but he does see the mom on occasion. Eventually, he and the mom start talking. Doesn't have to be romantic at first. Maybe he sees that being a single parent is stressful, so he treats her to dinner one night to help her unwind. They meet up like this a few times more and slowly start to fall in love. And, just to add some drama, the daughter starts crushing on the tutor, too, because she's into mature men. Love triangles make every romance better.

That's what I should do. Become a tutor and meet hot, single moms.

Yeah, like that'll work. Like I said, real-life moms look like moms. Once I hit 40, I'm sure I'll be panting over them, but right now, I only have eyes for women my age. When I look out my window and see a flying pig is when I'll start tutoring brats.

For real, though, that synopsis is tight. That oughta be made into an anime. Like, to air next season. YouTubers will be talking about it being the year's most memorable romantic drama. I won't even sue a studio for stealing my idea. I just want the world to finally appreciate how hot anime moms are.

What are the odds of that happening, though? Just because I put the brainwaves out there doesn't mean a studio's gonna start drafting an anime mom drama next Tuesday. Sorry, but the Law of Attraction is bogus. Been fantasizing about having a girlfriend for years and years now, and do I see a girl cuddling up to me? They'd be dogpiling me if it was the real deal.

Since sitting here isn't gonna accomplish jack, I need to jumpstart the creation process somehow. The question, though, is how. How will I make it come to pass?

The first idea that comes to mind is making it myself.

That's dead on arrival. I've got no talent for writing, drawing, animation, anything, so if I did cobble something together, it'd be so bad that it'd become an internet meme to dunk on.

Since I'm so bad, I could outsource talent.

That's not too doable, either, for a number of reasons.

Reason No. 1: Good talent demands money. I don't have money.

Reason No. 2: The people who will work for free are shit. They'll also ghost on you at some point. I know from personal experience. A couple years back, I tried gathering creatives to found a game studio, and nobody lasted past two weeks.

What else can I do?

That guy, Porter Robinson, collaborated with an anime studio to create Shelter. Bomb song, bee tee dubs, but back to the matter at hand. He was just some pasty white boy, probably didn't speak a lick of Japanese, yet he got his foot in the door to get Shelter made. If he can do it, so can I!

Except that he was an established musician, and my talents include dying 13,000 times playing Celeste. An animation studio isn't giving a guy who can barely get a wavedash off the time of day.

Wait a second!

Where the hell's my brain at? I do have a talent!

I'm Grant Peart, the man who saved the world! All the animators at a studio would drop into degeza at the sight of me. And if I asked them to make an anime, they would cancel their current project to make whatever I demanded.

I'm a genius!

Except, oh, wait, Dawnbringer's dead, and bringing him back to life just to get an anime made wouldn't reflect well on me. People would be like, “There are still nuclear weapons in the world, and he just wants to watch anime? What a weeaboo.” I'm having a hard enough time trying to get a girlfriend. You really think women will date a man whose reputation goes instantly down the gutter?

Do I have any options left to get this anime made? There's gotta be some idea I haven't hit on yet. Like they say, where there's a will, there's a way, and I have the will to watch this very specific storyline.

“Hmmmmmmmmm...”

Yeah, I got nothing. Better hit up the good people of the internet and see what ideas they might have.

Back when I was in high school, my go-to place for discussing things were internet forums, but the lot of them are half dead. Nowadays, people wanna talk, they go to Reddit or wherever, which is where I go.

The r/Anime community seems like the best place to post this, so I create a thread and dump down every thought I just had. This is a productive time to be part of the industry, with companies like Crunchyroll and Funimation getting directly involved in anime production, so surely someone's got to have heard some route or method I haven't heard of.

*

I check back later and see that I've gotten a few hits. Good, good. The subreddit's got enough members that I should get a fair number of responses. But I was worried it'd get buried underneath all the threads posting random clips and Crunchyroll updates, and then the only responses I'd get are yea that'd be cool.

All righty. Let's see what the intelligent people of the world have to say to my idea.

 

yea that'd be cool

 

Damn, am I a prophet or what? I was expecting some worthless comments like that, so I can brush those aside and look for the stuff that's more substantial.

 

That'd be a hot hentai. The daughter could walk in and then it becomes a threesome

 

I said substantial, not idiotic.

I almost forgot where I'm at. It's the internet, where intellectual discourse comes to douse itself in kerosene and light a match.

Sad to say, but this isn't unexpected. Sometimes, you get trolls who can't take anything seriously, and you get people who are victim to their libido. When asking for help on the internet, it's about sifting through the miles and miles of garbage for the diamonds.

 

learn japanese n mak freinds w/ a animater n convinc dem 2 mak dat show

 

I hope you don't try and learn Japanese, because your English needs a butt-ton of fine-tuning.

He's not far off, though. That's probably how Porter Robinson got Shelter made. He knew a guy, who knew a guy, who was friends with a guy whose cousin spoke Japanese, who had a penpal in Japan, whose older brother was a producer at A-1 Pictures, and that was the story of how Shelter came into the world.

But building relationships is tough, and if it's a woman I'm dealing with, she'll probably make for the nearest emergency exit. Still, good suggestion. I'll file that away.

What else is there?

 

Write several studio's a letter. 1 of them may really like your idea and use it.

 

This is the announcing I'm Dawnbringer plan, except I'd just be some random American writing a poorly translated letter. I also read once that it's a copyright issue if an author reads a fan's idea and then uses that idea for their own work, so that's a lawsuit they're avoiding.

 

You could start a petition. If you get enough signatures n show it to a studio, maybe itll prove theirs an audience for it?

 

Now we're getting somewhere. Maybe. Has a petition ever done anything? I'm sure some have. People do change their stances when there's a public outcry, which is a kind of petition. But what are the odds I could gather a crowd of like-minded individuals who want hot anime moms to see their day in the sun? The warmest response I've gotten is yea, that'd be cool.

Nearing the end of the comments now, and barely anything good. There's gotta be one good suggestion in here. Something that'll make me go “Aha! That's it! Why didn't I think of that?!” Where are you, genius suggestion? Come out, come out, wherever you are...

 

There already is an anime about a hot anime mom, it's called Do you love your mom and her two hit multitarget attacks?

 

You have shit tastes, sir, and should squirt vinegar in your eyes.

Don't know why I tried appealing to the masses. I know too well how generally dumb the masses are. I was trying to hear Einstein's theories from a pen of clucking chickens.

Looks like that's one anime that's never gonna see the light of day. What a shame, too. In an industry saturated with so much garbage and cliches, it would've been a breath of fresh air. A modern classic. The most heart-wrenching title since, I don't know, Boku no Piko.

But hold on!

Maybe this isn't the end...because I'm remembering something I heard on a podcast a while back...

It's called parallel thinking, and the thinking goes like this:

At a point in time, there'll be something that'll inspire different people to make essentially the same thing. For example, back in the 90s, there was a meteor or something that flew into Jupiter, and Jupiter just gobbled it up 'cause that's how Jupiter do. Then two different movie directors saw that and made two different movies about meteors crashing into Earth, released at around the same time. Armageddon and...something. Can't remember, don't care to remember. Not a movie buff.

It doesn't take Jupiter dining on space rocks to set off parallel thinking, neither. Just the state of an industry or a political climate can inspire random dudes to make essentially the same thing.

Anime fans have been growing up with anime, but now they're growing older, and because they're growing older, they're starting to question the morals of crushing on some high schooler. As a result, they're looking at the adults in anime and getting hard/wet off of them. Therefore, in the near future, some Japanese dude is gonna say to his animation staff, “Okay, peeps. We gonna make this anime 'bout a hot milf, and it's gonna be dope,” and then it'll be a hit, and everybody else will shamelessly rip off that anime's success, and then the market will be so flooded with hot anime moms that I'll be a happy, happy boy for years to come. Until I'm an old geezer and start thinking anime grandmas are hot.