It had been a month since I visited my own bedroom, and I already felt alien with this room. My work desk was still clean. I was glad maids still cleaned this room. I used to like lying on my soft king-size bed while my stuffed dolls surrounded me. I still liked the pink teddy bear that was half my height, though. It was a gift from Adrian in our first month dating anniversary.

Sitting on the edge of my bed while hugging the teddy bear, I thought of Adrian. I loved him more than anyone else and even me. I hated myself because I always made the wrong choice in life, and people hated me because of that, but Adrian still accepted me, even after knowing my violence side.

I believed this addiction of violence started when I was still in the junior high school. Yes, about three years ago.

 

…….

 

When I reached twelve years old, no one congratulated me like always. We would hold a banquet at night, though, but that was for welcoming my father’s fourth wife that would stay in here, the main house.

My mom was my father’s first lover, but that slut infatuated my father and made her the first wife while mom became the second wife

Mom died after giving birth to me from what the oldest maid told me. After her death, father married the third wife, a bigger slut.

The third wife made it obvious that she targeted my father’s fortune. She had been an obstacle to me. She taught her bastard son to treat me like an ant.

Why would she target me more than the first wife? The answer was easy. My mom died, so financially, dad gave me more of his rich than other wives and his children.

I wasn’t a greedy person, but why would I let a slut, bigger slut, cunning bastard, and fool bastard inherit father’s fortune? My mom was his first lover. All right belonged to me.

At the banquet, we minded our manner because father was a terrifying man. If he wanted to gain something, then that thing was his.

For the sake of formality, father announced my birthday and told everyone to congratulate me. Eldest brother gave me a big gift, but I bet that was for the sake of formality too.

The fourth wife had been my father’s lover for a long time. My dad made him an official wife because it seemed he was attracted to the new slut’s twin female children.

Those two girls were only five years apart from me. They had a cheerful expression when everyone welcomed them. They were so innocent. Because they were still children, they stole my spotlight on my own birthday.

Somehow my heart felt heavy, so I asked permission from my father to leave. When I didn’t feel right, I always visited the oldest maid in here. She would console me.

I knocked on her room. She came out wearing a sweater and a scarf wrapped around her neck. Her big nose was red, so I thought she was sick.

“Is aunty alright?” I asked.

She smiled. “I will miss this place.”

“What do you mean?”

“The truth is I will leave this place tonight.”

I paused. What did I do wrong? Did I somehow hurt her? No, that was father’s work!

“No, don’t go, Aunty. I—I will ask dad to increase your salary.”

She pulled me into her embrace. She rested her chin on me, and I felt her tears dripped onto my head. “It is not about the salary, Miss Maria,” she said with trembling voice. “My mom died today. I will attend her funeral tomorrow, so I am leaving tonight. Master already permitted me to leave.”

I pulled myself and stared into her reddened eyes. She usually put a gentle, peaceful expression. Looking at her sad face broke my heart too. “My condolence, Aunty.”

“This is probably the last time I see you, Miss Maria.”

“Eh, why? You are only taking days off for a few days, right?”

I grabbed her hands tightly as if holding to my last hope. She was my only cure in this cold place. She caressed the back of my hands with her thumbs. Her touch was rough but warm at the same time. I would miss this touch.

“I like Miss Maria and your mom. She was the one who recruited me to this place. She was like my family too.”

I was glad that there was still someone who loved my mother, but she didn’t mention anything about me. I forced a smile, but I couldn’t stop my tears.

“Don’t be sad, Miss Maria.” She took out a white book from her bag, and it was locked. “This is your mother’s belonging, her diary. As you can see, it is locked. She said she passed the key to you. Please lives a happy life.”

“No! You must come back no matter what. Aunt is like… aunt is important to me!”

She shook her head. “I want to spend my remaining life in my village with my family.”

“Then how about me? Isn’t I a family member too?”

She cupped my hands together. “Miss Maria lives in a wonderful family. I am sorry, Miss. I can’t make my family wait any longer. This is goodbye.”

She let go of my hands, and I watched as she turned back and walked away. I could only stand still on my spot until my legs felt weak, and I fell on my knees.

I didn’t know how many times had passed, but I heard footsteps from behind me.

“Maria, what happened?” said the voice that I believed was my eldest brother’s.

I clutched the diary and stood. Without minding my eldest brother’s presence, I went to the house again. He didn’t call me or chase me.

In the corridor, I saw my little brother walking in my direction while waving his hand. “Yo, Sister. You are crying. Are you okay?”

I walked past him and hurried my steps. I didn’t have the energy to deal with him, but he kept following me at my side.

“So, this is the first time I see you crying. You look prettier like this, Sister. Because of that, I don’t mind offering you consolation. I am sure you are sad because of that old fart maid.”

I stopped and glared at him. He smiled because I finally took the bait.

“Finally interested, Sis? Alright, let me tell you why you don’t have to be sad about that old fart maid. The truth is—”

I didn’t stop to listen to his trashing. In fact, every word he said entered my right ear and escaped through my left ear. I looked at the pond behind him. I was too tired of his lack of delicacy, so I pushed him.

He was taken aback as his feet entered the pond. His balance was disrupted, but before he fell, he turned his back, and his forehead crashed the rock.

“MARIA!” Someone shouted, and I turned to see my eldest brother rushing in my direction.

I was stunned by what I had done too, but somehow I didn’t feel guilty. Seeing my little brother wriggled in pain in the pond as he screamed made me… somehow satisfied.

I left my little brother just like that and ignored my elder brother’s calling. I ran to my room and locked the door. I didn’t know what happened after that. I refused to see anyone, even my father.

I only lied on the bed and let my tears flow to the sheet. This year’s birthday was the worst. I hated it. The only genuine gift I got was this diary I clutched.

Remembering about the diary, I sat. On my tenth birthday, my father gifted me a key that he didn’t know about its function, but he said it was mother’s important item, very important that she didn’t tell father about its function.

I approached my work desk and pulled out the drawer. I kept unused things in here, and I found the key. I put it in the hole of the lock and twisted it. The lock opened, and I opened the diary.

The first page was filled with crossed lines covering the content. When I flipped over to the next page, there were crossed lines too. I kept doing it until I finally found texts in the last paper. It was a message for me.

Dear Maria,

Mom never knew if this diary would be passed to you, but if you read this, mom probably already left this world.

How are you doing? Mom will always love you and watch you from above, so Maria should live happily too.

Mom was happy when mom was alive. I always had a weak body, and Doctor said it would be risky for me to give birth to a baby. That was why mom permitted dad to marry another woman before me, so Maria shouldn’t blame daddy.

Hehe, but when mom watched your eldest brother born, mom wanted a baby so much. Long story, mom finally was pregnant of you, and I became dad’s second wife.

Mom was happy to have you, even though you were still inside mom. I didn’t know if I would live to see Maria grow up, so in case I wouldn’t, mom left this message.

Mom just wanted you to know that mommy loves, loves, loves Maria so much and wish her for a happy life.

When Maria finds her significant other, I wish Maria can visit mommy’s grave and introduced me to him. This is a promise, okay? Peace (\-v-/)

Note: Mom always had good intuition, so I bet Maria is a girl. If not, then you are Mario, then, tehehe.

Another note: loves you.

I laughed and cried at the same time. This message was the best gift for me. I threw myself to the bed again and clutched the diary. Before I knew it, I fell asleep. I dreamt about being a baby and mom embraced me. So warm.

Mom whispered to me that I had to become a good person and live a happy life. I knew that was a dream, but that was mom’s request, so I would comply.

The next day, my father scolded me in front of everyone after lunch. My little brother’s mom—the biggest slut—told about my behavior to my father.

He was really enraged. He told every maid in the room to get out. I guessed he didn’t intend to let this matter out of this place. He really cared about the family’s reputation after all.

Mom loved and cared for me, but father never showed it. That was why it was fine to ignore everything he said. After thinking about it, he never provided me happiness too.

I examined other people instead. The first and the third wife seemed happy to witness my suffering. We weren’t close and related by blood, so I never cared about them too.

My elder brother had an indifferent expression like usual. Not that I expected him to show any emotion to me.

My little brother got bandaged on his head. He glared at me without taking a blink. I guessed he hated me more after that incident, but that was fine. I hated him the most.

The fourth wife hugged her children and my new little sisters covered their ears.

My father slammed the table and shouted, “Are you listening to me, Maria?”

I looked at his sharp eyes. They never showed any emotion, so why did I have to obey him? Mom told me to be happy, so I didn’t want to stay in here any longer.

I stood from my seat and prepared to leave. I didn’t care even though my father kept shouting at me. However, I stopped myself when the first wife spoke.

“Darling, I guess reprimanding kids nowadays are useless now. You need to take an action. You must punish Maria, so she can learn her lesson. For example, you can ban her from inheritance right.”

Hearing that, I slammed the table louder than when my father did it. Everyone was stunned, and they stared at me.

I didn’t know what to say because my minds were jumbled and my heart raced in rage. I didn’t care about my father’s rich, but she had a gal to say it.

She stole father from mom, but mom was still happy with her life. She should have felt grateful for her life, but instead, she tried to make me suffer.

My blood felt like flowing to my head, and I couldn’t think straight. Before I knew it, I lifted a knife and throw it at her.

That was the first time I did it, but the blade flew straight and fast. It pierced through her chest.