I blinked. 

"My dad is... literal Satan?" 

Lucifer strode forwards and wrapped his arms and wings around me in a tight hug, practically smothering me. I choked and struggled, and he eventually let go, beaming down at me. 

"Yes, Daisiel, I'm your father." He said, leaning back. His feet rose into the air, and he lounged back in the air as if on an invisible chair, his wings flapping as if in slow motion. I gaped at him. "Gabriel and Castiel are technically your uncles. But, you know, all angels all siblings so they're also your brothers. Weird, right?" 

I shook my head. "Um... if you're my dad, then who's my mum? Am I half angel, then? How do I even exist? Also, why am I here on Earth and not living with you in Hell?" 

Lucifer chuckled, holding up a hand. "Daisiel. Or - Daisy, is it? Your human name?" 

I nodded. 

"Very fitting, right?" Gabriel sniggered. Lucifer reached over and high-fived him, as Castiel looked at them disapprovingly. 

"Your mother, Daisy, was a human." Lucifer said.

"Was?" 

"Yes. She was human, and this was centuries and centuries ago. You are quite old, you know - you just don't remember yet. Your mother is no longer around - but it's alright, because it was just a one-night stand anyway, it's not like we were in LOVE or anything -" Lucifer wrinkled his nose as Cas growled at him. 

"She's standing right there, Lucifer." 

Lucifer shrugged. "What? It's the truth. She was hot as my kingdom, so we screwed. Never saw her again. Only knew I'd gotten her pregnant when Daisy here was born. I could sense her." 

"You could sense me?" I asked. 

"Yes. I remember being so confused. 'How could I have a daughter?' I asked myself. It's not like I was planning to have one any time soon. It took me a while to remember the hot piece of ass nine months before." 

It was Gabe who slapped Lucifer this time, on one of his great black wings. 

"Ouch! What was that for?" Lucifer cried. 

"You're so insensitive, Luci." Gabe rolled his eyes, unwrapping a lollipop. 

Lucifer rolled his eyes too. I snickered to myself. They act like typical brothers, alright. 

"Anyway, Gabe and I took joint custody. Dad didn't want you to be raised in Hell, but you were my kid, so we argued it out and eventually worked out an agreement. You grew up to be as cheeky and troublemaking as your uncle, and so your grandfather kept sending you down to Earth as an attempt to get you to mature. Has it worked yet, my dear brothers?" Lucifer directed the last sentence towards Gabe and Cas, who both shook their heads, Gabe grinning. 

"That's my girl." Lucifer wrapped a wing loosely around my shoulders, and an unfamiliar feeling rushed through me. I snuggled in closer to the wing. I never really had a true father figure. This hug, however weird and supernatural it was, felt like a fatherly hug. 

Which reminds me -

"So what about Lily and James Potter, then? You never really explained much about that. Are they technically my real parents or not?" 

The three angels exchanged glances. 

"Technically, yes. Lily and James Potter conceived you. We simply split the egg in your mother's womb and swapped out the Y chromosome for an X." Gabe explained. 

"Wait, so - they actually conceived me? I wasn't just magically placed in there, I'm actually blood related and I have both of their DNA?" I said, amazed. 

"That is correct." Cas nodded. 

"And you split the egg - wow, all this time I thought me and Harry were fraternal twins, because we couldn't be identical, because we're opposite sex - so we actually are identical, then?" I said, my eyes wide. "That's why we look like the male and female versions of each other... but why don't I need glasses, then?" 

Gabe chuckled. "I noticed that in your genes. I corrected it for you. The last time you needed glasses as a human - well -" 

He glanced at Lucifer, who snorted. 

"Didn't turn out well." Gabe turned back to me, grinning again. 

"So... if I hadn't fucked up in Heaven or wherever -" my dad rolled his eyes at the mention, "- I wouldn't have been born, and Harry would be an only child?" 

"That's right." Gabe nodded, sticking his lolly into his mouth for a moment. "And if you were male, Harry would have a male twin. Weird how these things work, right?" 

"And to answer your other question from earlier, Daisy, you are indeed half human, half angel. You're technically a Nephilium." Lucifer said. "But the angel part of your DNA is dominant, so it kinda cancels out the human part - you're just as angel as the rest of us." 

"Well, Luci." Gabe clamped a hand down on my shoulder. "We'd best get going. Daisy's family is probably freaking the fuck out by now. I bet it's been like three days on Earth, haha." 

"Oh, yeah - well, Daisiel, I'd love you to come visit as soon as you can, and as often as you can, please." Lucifer reached out his other wing, and enveloped me. I relaxed into the hug, the unfamiliar emotion threatening to bubble up and overflow. My dad pulled back and beamed at me, his red eyes shining with joy. "I love you, my little sweetheart." 

"I - I love you too, probably." I said, my lips unfolding into a bright smile, before Gabe and Cas both took a hold on my arms. "Wait - how do I visit?" 

But it was too late. I was back inside the Dursleys' kitchen. Two shrieks, a yell, and a deep exclamation sounded, and within seconds I was enveloped again, in a less silky and smooth hug. 

"Guys - guys - come on -" I struggled, finally holding my family at arm's length. Harry was panting, his green eyes wide and full of relief. His glasses were askew; I reached out and corrected them. Aunt Petunia and Dudley were also panting, and all three of them looked to have been crying. Uncle Vernon was at the back of the group, smiling widely. 

"Daisy - I am very glad that you are back." He huffed under his moustache. "I'm glad that you weren't harmed by - by this - Lord Voldy." 

"I wasn't taken by Riddle." I shook my head, and Harry collapsed against the counter in relief. "I - I'm fine. I'm not going to leave. Aunt Petunia, I'm staying right here." 

My aunt passed a hand over her forehead. 

"Harry? Dudley?" I said, then turned on my heel and hurried up the stairs. 

'Harry and I have just been attacked by fucking Dementors and we might be expelled from Hogwarts. I have also just been informed who I am related to. We would very much like to know what the absolute fuck is going on and when we're going to be able to get out of here and keep my family safe.' 

I copied these words onto five separate pieces of parchment the moment I reached the desk in mine and Harry's bedroom, my brother watching over my shoulder. I addressed the first to Sirius, the second to the twins, the third to Terry, the fourth to Draco, and the fifth to Hermione. Nobody had been responding to mine or Harry's texts or FaceTime calls since the Dementor attack, and I was hoping an owl might reach them. 

"I'd already texted them about you being taken, but nobody seems to give a fuck." Harry said angrily. 

Hedwig and Snidget were off hunting. We waited for them to come back, Harry and Dudley sitting on Harry's bed watching me pace. 

I explained to them as I paced about where I had been, who I had been with, and who my real dad was. I told Harry about what they had told me about our parents, and him and Dudley cheered upon learning that I was actually related to them. 

"So your dad is... um... the Devil?" Dudley asked slowly. 

"Yeah." I said. 

"Sweet." Harry and I high-fived. 

~~~

Even after Hedwig and Snidget had been sent off, with the instruction from my brother and I that they peck the recipients and refuse to come back without answers, still no answers came. Harry and I waited at the Dursleys', getting more irate and jittery as the days went on. 

And you know what I tend to do when I'm irate and jittery? Mess around. 

And so, one night when Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon had gone out for the evening, Harry, Dudley, and I met up with Piers, Hannah, Sasha, and Megan. We giggled and snickered over the contents in my arms, which I had bought from the Little Winging black market, a few streets from the respectable estate we were in. 

"Let's do it to your shitty neighbours." Piers sniggered, and I nodded enthusiastically. 

"Let's do it!" I whisper-shouted, and we snuck over to our neighbour's house, crouching behind the bushes in his front garden. It was dark, so we didn't have much trouble hiding. Harry watched the window, then nodded at me to go ahead. 

I darted over, quietly opening the letter box, and tossing the firecrackers in. I heard a loud shout from inside, and we all immediately sprinted away from the house, pissing ourselves. 

"Where to next?" Dudley wiped tears away from his face, leaning on Megan, who was wheezing from the laughter. 

"Let's try that party across Magnoila Crescent!" Sasha pointed, and we turned. A house down the road was all lit up from each window, shadows moving about behind the curtains, music playing at a reasonable volume, as we are, after all, in a respectable neighbourhood. 

Ugh. If it was me, I'd be blasting that shit, and it wouldn't be classical music either. 

We headed for the party, whispering amongst ourselves and giggling. We stood in their front garden in a huddled group, looking up at the windows and grinning. 

"Alright, Dudders, it's your time to shine!" I snickered, pushing him towards the house. Dudley gulped, still grinning, and jogged up to the window. He rapped loudly on the glass, and we all tittered and laughed loudly as Dudley pulled down his tracksuit bottoms and boxers, pressing his bare ass up against the window. 

A middle-aged man in a suit whipped open the curtains, only to see Dudley's rather large ass mooning him, and his face crumpled in rage. 

"Dudders, quick, he's seen you!" I yelled, and Dudley choked, yanking up his bottoms and sprinting towards us. We all turned, a giggling, snorting mass, and ran away from the front of the house just as the front door yanked open behind us. 

The man sprinted out after us, and we picked up the pace down the street, shrieking and laughing. What I could only assume was the man's wife leaned out the front door after him, yelling, "Get back here, Mark, you leave those kids alone!" 

We were fortunately miles ahead of this Mark guy, and Hannah, Megan, and Sasha dived into someone's front garden, giggling, and Harry, Dudley, Piers, and I made a beeline for Mrs Figg's house. Behind a lamp post was the massive tree in her front garden, and I leapt up, climbing fast, and gestured for the boys to follow. Harry and Piers scrambled up beside me, and we all reached down to help tug Dudley up, covering ourselves in the foliage just in time. Mark skidded to a stop underneath the lamp post, looking around, before cursing and heading back in the direction of his house. 

The four of us high-fived. 

After the eventful night, Dudley, Harry, and I returned to our house on Privet Drive. Dudley's parents were still out, and we all sat in mine and Harry's bedroom, chilling on Harry's bottom bunk. 

Dudley was telling us about what he got up to at Hogwarts when we weren't with him. 

"And that witch, Parvati, she's really cute. I got her number, and we're friends on Facebook now -" 

"Dud, aren't you in a relationship -?" 

"Yeah." Dudley blushed. "But Parv's just a friend." 

"For now." I muttered, and Harry cackled as Dudley went even redder. 

There was a sudden commotion downstairs, and I heard something smashing. 

"What was that?" I said. 

"Dunno... should we go check it out?" Harry said, as Dudley blanched. 

"Don't worry, Dudders; we'll go check if it's anything magical, and if it's not, you can come help us kick ass." I told him, and my cousin brightened up considerably. 

Harry and I took our wands out, Harry holding his straight in front of him, mine lowered cautiously at my side, and we stepped out onto the landing. I sensed something, and looked down. I grabbed Harry's arm. 

There were people standing in the shadowy hall below, silhouetted against the streetlight glowing through the glass door; nine or ten of them, all, as far as I could see, looking up at us. 

"Lower your wand, boy, before you take someone's eye out." A low, growling voice said. 

"Professor Moody?" Harry said uncertainly. 

"I don't know so much about 'Professor.'" The voice growled. "Never got round to much teaching, did I? Get down here, you two, we want to see you properly." 

"It's alright, twins. We've come to take you away." 

"P-Professor Lupin?" I said disbelievingly. "Is that you?" 

"Why are we all standing in the dark?" Emily's voice said. "Lumos." 

A wand-tip flared, illuminating the hall with magical light. I blinked. The people below were crowded around the foot of the stairs, gazing up at us intently, some craning their heads for a better look. 

Lupin was smiling broadly at me and Harry. 

"Oooh, they look just like I thought they would." A witch with violet hair said. "Wotcher, Daisy, Harry!" 

"Yeah, I see what you mean, Remus, Emily." A bald wizard said, who was standing furthest back - he had a deep, slow voice and wore a single gold hoop in his ear. "They look exactly like James." 

"Except the eyes." A wheezy-voiced, silver-haired wizard said at the back. "Lily's eyes."

Dudley came out just then, and Lupin explained that they had all volunteered to come pick Harry and I up. We got all our things ready, and brought our broomsticks out to the back garden, as apparently we would be travelling to some place in London by broom. 

"About time." Harry muttered angrily. 

I patted my brother on the shoulder sympathetically. I knew how frustrated he was with not knowing anything about what had been happening. 

"Bye Dudders. See you next summer." Harry bro-hugged Dudley, and I leaned in and hugged my cousin with all my strength. Dudley hugged back hard, as if he never wanted to let me go. 

"Everything's going to be okay." I whispered in his ear. 

Dudley nodded, biting his lip as he stepped back. "Be safe, please." He said, his voice wobbling a bit. I nodded back at him, smiling. 

"I'll try. I promise." 

And with that, we took off into the night sky.