The departing delivery owl had barely cleared the top of the milk jug the next morning, when Hermione let out a huge gasp and flattened her newspaper to reveal a large photograph of Umbridge, smiling widely and blinking slowly at us from beneath the headline. Fred, George, Terry, and I glanced over from where we had been conversing. 

'MINISTRY SEEKS EDUCATIONAL REFORM   

DOLORES UMBRIDGE APPOINTED FIRST EVER HIGH INQUISITOR' 

"What the fuck's a High Inquisitor?" I said darkly, my half-eaten piece of toast slipping from my fingers. 

Hermione read aloud:

"'In a surprise move last night the Ministry of Magic passed new legislation giving itself an unprecedented level of control at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Blah blah blah... ""Dolores Umbridge came to be appointed to the teaching staff at Hogwarts." Said Percy Weasley last night. "Dumbledore couldn't find anyone so the Minister put in Umbridge, and of course, she's been an immediate success -""

"She's been a WHAT?" Harry said loudly.

"Wait, there's more." Hermione said grimly.

""- an immediate success, totally revolutionising the teaching of Defence Against the Dark Arts and providing the Minister with on-the-ground feedback about what's really happening at Hogwarts." 

"'It is this last function that the Ministry has now formalised with the passing of Educational Decree Number Twenty-three, which creates the new position of Hogwarts High Inquisitor.

""This is an exciting new phase in the Minister's plan to get to grips with what some are calling the falling standards at Hogwarts.""

said Weasley. "The Inquisitor will have powers to inspect her fellow educators and make sure that they are coming up to scratch. Professor Umbridge has been offered this position in addition to her own teaching post and we are delighted to say that she has accepted."

"Blah blah blah... Wizengamot elders Griselda Marchbanks and Tiberius Ogden have resigned in protest at the introduction of the post of Inquisitor to Hogwarts.

""Hogwarts is a school, not an outpost of Cornelius Fudge's office." Madam Marchbanks said. "This is a further, disgusting attempt to discredit Albus Dumbledore." (For a full account of Madam Marchbanks's alleged links to subversive goblin groups, turn to page seventeen.)" 

Hermione finished reading and looked across the table at us.

"So now we know how we ended up with Umbridge! Fudge passed this 'Educational Decree' and forced her on us! And now he's given her the power to inspect the other teachers!" Hermione was breathing fast and her eyes were very bright. "I can't believe this. It's outrageous!" 

"I know it is." Harry said. He looked down at my right hand, at the faint white outline of the words Umbridge had forced me to cut into my skin. I patted him on the arm. 

"Fucking assholes, the lot of them." Fred agreed, George and Kylie nodding. 

But a grin was unfurling on Terry's face.

"What, Hopper?" I said, staring at him. 

"Oh, I can't wait to see McGonagall inspected." Terry said happily. "Umbitch won't know what to do with herself. The giant toad that she is..." 

~~~

Snape's class was more of the usual, Snape giving back our essays and complaining about those with poor grades. I had gotten an 'E' to Snape's visible displeasure as he gave my essay back; Hermione kept trying to lean over me to see what I'd gotten. 

"Mynee - get out of it -" I flapped my parchment at her as she nearly slipped out of her stool, face-planting in my lap. I felt my face instantly and involuntarily flush; Hermione shakily sat up slowly, her face bright red. 

"Can we just pretend that did NOT happen?" She whispered, her cheeks burning. 

"What happened? Nothing happened." I said nonchalantly, rustling through my robes loudly for a sweet. Hermione smiled shakily, turning back to her essay. 

After a not-very-eventful lesson, we sat down together at the Gryffindor table, Draco glancing around him nervously.

"Obviously, I'd have been thrilled if I'd got an 'O' -" Hermione was going on. 

"Hermione wants to know everyone's grades." I informed the table. 

"No - well - if you wanted to say, just -" 

"I got a 'P,'" Ron said. "Happy?" 

"Well, that's nothing to be ashamed of." Fred said, who had just arrived at the table with George and Lee and was sitting down on my right. "Nothing wrong with a good healthy 'P.'" 

"But," Hermione said, "doesn't 'P' stand for..."

"'Poor,' yeah." Lee said. "Still, better than 'D,' isn't it? 'Dreadful?'" 

"I'll give you a 'D' tonight." Terry hissed into Draco's ear as he passed him to sit on my left. Draco turned red. 

"So top grade's 'O' for 'Outstanding,'" Hermione was saying, "and then there's 'A' -" 

"No, 'E,'" George corrected her. "'E' for 'Exceeds Expectations.' And I've always thought Fred and I should've got 'E' in everything, because we exceeded expectations just by turning up for the exams." 

We all laughed except Hermione, who ploughed on, "So, after 'E' it's 'A' for 'Acceptable,' and that's the last pass grade, isn't it?" 

"Yep." Fred said, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. I beamed, shifting closer to him on the bench. 

"Then you get 'P' for 'Poor' -" (Ron raised both his arms in mock celebration) "- and 'D' for 'Dreadful.'" 

"And then 'T.'" George reminded her.

"'T?'" Hermione asked, looking appalled as Terry and I sniggered. "Even lower than a 'D?' What on earth does 'T' stand for?" 

"'Troll.'" George said promptly.

I laughed again. I imagined trying to conceal from Hermione that I had received 'T's in all my OWLs and sniggered. 

"You lot had an inspected lesson yet?" Fred asked us.

"No." Hermione said at once. "Have you?" 

"Just now, before lunch." George said. "Charms." 

"What was it like?" Harry and I asked together.

Fred shrugged. "Not that bad. Umbitch just lurked in the corner making notes on a clipboard. You know what Flitwick's like, he treated her like a guest, didn't seem to bother him at all. She didn't say much. Asked Alicia a couple of questions about what the classes are normally like, Alicia told her they were really good, that was it." 

"I can't see old Flitwick getting marked down, like." George said. "He usually gets everyone through their exams all right." 

"Who've you got this afternoon?" Fred asked me.

"Trelawney -" 

"A 'T' if ever I saw one." 

"- And Umbitch herself." 

"Well, be a good girl and keep your temper with Umbitch today." George said. "Angelina'll do her nut if you miss any more Quidditch practices." 

"Plus, we'd rather you not have any more torture cast upon you." Fred said. 

I looked between them. "You guys want me to become a quiet, good little studious teacher's pet? All because of a scary Captain and a bit of blood?" 

The twins exchanged a glance. 

"You guys should know by now that I don't respond well to authority figures. Regardless of how much I like them or not." I smirked. 

~~~ 

Umbridge was humming and smiling to herself when we entered the room later. Before I could finish my first paper airplane, Umbridge had called us all to order and silence fell. She eyed the class, her smile faltering slightly. I smirked, adjusting the little black bow atop my curls, glancing around at everyone else's. Terry's and Harry's looked especially cute. 

"Wands away." She instructed us all with another smile back on her face, and those people who had been hopeful enough to take them out, sadly returned them to their bags. "As we finished Chapter One last lesson, I would like you all to turn to page nineteen today and commence 'Chapter Two, Common Defensive Theories and their Derivation.' There will be no need to talk." 

Still smiling her wide, self-satisfied smile, she sat down at her desk. The class gave an audible sigh as it turned, as one, to page nineteen.  I slid the list out, and Terry and I were on the point of checking the page when I noticed that Hermione had her hand in the air again.

Umbridge had noticed, too, and what was more, she seemed to have worked out a strategy for just such an eventuality. Instead of trying to pretend she had not noticed Hermione she got to her feet and walked around the front row of desks until they were face to face, then she bent down and whispered, so that the rest of the class could not hear, "What is it this time, Miss Granger?" 

"I've already read Chapter Two." Hermione said.

"Well then, proceed to Chapter Three." 

"I've read that too. I've read the whole book." 

Umbridge blinked but recovered her poise almost instantly.

"Well, then, you should be able to tell me what Slinkhard says about counter-jinxes in Chapter Fifteen." 

"He says that counter-jinxes are improperly named." Hermione said promptly. "He says 'counter-jinx' is just a name people give their jinxes when they want to make them sound more acceptable." 

Umbridge raised her eyebrows and I knew she was impressed, against her will.

"But I disagree." Hermione continued.

Umbridge's eyebrows rose a little higher and her gaze became distinctly colder.

"You disagree?" She repeated.

"Yes, I do." Hermione said, who, unlike Umbridge, was not whispering, but speaking in a clear, carrying voice that had by now attracted the attention of the rest of the class. She really seemed to be trying to be as appealing to me as possible, honestly. And it was working. "Mr. Slinkhard doesn't like jinxes, does he? But I think they can be very useful when they're used defensively." 

"Oh, you do, do you?" Umbridge said, forgetting to whisper and straightening up. "Well, I'm afraid it is Mr Slinkhard's opinion, and not yours, that matters within this classroom, Miss Granger." 

"But -" Hermione began.

"That is enough." Umbridge said. She walked back to the front of the class and stood before us, all the jauntiness she had shown at the beginning of the lesson gone. "Miss Granger, I am going to take five points from Gryffindor house." 

There was an outbreak of muttering at this.

"What for?" I said angrily.

"Don't you get involved!" Hermione whispered urgently to me.

"For disrupting my class with pointless interruptions." Umbridge said smoothly. "I am here to teach you using a Ministry-approved method that does not include inviting students to give their opinions on matters about which they understand very little. Your previous teachers in this subject may have allowed you more licence, but as none of them - with the possible exception of Professor Quirrell, who did at least appear to have restricted himself to age-appropriate subjects - would have passed a Ministry inspection -" 

"Yeah, Quirrell was a great teacher." I said loudly. "There was just that minor drawback of him having Lord Voldemort sticking out of the back of his fucking head." 

This pronouncement was followed by one of the loudest silences I had ever heard. Then - 

"I think another week's detentions would do you some good, Miss Potter." Umbridge said sleekly. 

"Okay. Well, if we're going to play that game..." I smiled at her. 

The next second, I had the classic rubber egg out of my robe pocket and in my hand. I took aim and wung it across the room, and I ducked and sniggered as Floppy let out a loud yelp. 

"Silence in my class, please, Mr Malfoy." Umbridge said as she went back to her desk. Floppy turned and glared at me as I Accio'd the egg back towards me. 

"Release the toads." I hissed to Terry, and the Ravenclaw smirked, reaching into his bag. Draco and Kylie watched with interest as Terry unclipped the small Tupperware box. I clapped my hands over my mouth to stop myself from snorting loudly as the toads croaked and hopped out of the box. 

"What is the meaning of this?" Umbridge turned. "Why are there frogs in my classroom?" 

"Toads." I corrected her. 

"I do not care what reptile they are exactly, Miss Potter, I just want them out -" 

"Well, I think you SHOULD care, Professor." I told her. "You say our opinions don't matter, but what about the facts?" 

"Miss Potter, I will have to issue another detention if -" 

"The toads are your children, Professor." I said happily. 

"Another detention, then, Miss Potter." Umbridge smiled sweetly at me as she Vanished the toads. We all groaned in disappointment. "Back to Chapter Two, please." 

I shrugged, raising my hand, and I started making the water-drop noise by flicking my cheek. Terry smirked, joining in. Within minutes, Draco, Kylie, Harry, Ron, Suzanne, Shannon, Pansy, Dean, and Seamus had all joined in. 

"Silence, please!" Umbridge called, her smile wavering. 

I threw my unfinished paper airplane at Floppy. Terry followed suit, us two throwing random bits of paper at Floppy, Crabbe, Goyle, and Blaise Zabini. Umbridge was determinedly looking in the other direction. 

I took out the can of Monster Energy drink I had in my bag and opened it, spilling it all over the floor. I smirked to myself; nice, the floor is going to be all sticky now. 

The class was completely silent. Terry and I exchanged a glance. 

I cupped my hands around my mouth, and said loudly, "A-WHOOP!" 

"Silence, Miss Potter." 

"Poopity poop poop!" Terry said beside me. 

"I think you might have to share in one of Miss Potter's detentions, Mr Boot." 

"Shit." 

I casually nudged my textbook off my desk. It fell to the floor with a loud SLAM. Everyone in the room jumped. 

Terry followed suit as I bent over to pick mine up, and Harry and Kylie copied us, the SLAMs echoing around the classroom. Draco and Ron's fell at the exact same time, and the SLAM was magnified. 

"Everyone is to keep their textbooks on the desks, please." Umbridge's smile was wearing extremely thin. 

"Nah." I said, getting up. I collected mine, Terry's, Kylie's, Harry's, Ron's, and Draco's textbooks to Umbridge's protests, and strode over to the window. I swiftly took Floppy's too, opened the window before he could take it back, and tipped all the textbooks out of it. 

Umbridge watched me as I walked jauntily back to my seat and sat down with a flourish. I beamed up at her. 

"Another week of detentions, Miss Potter." 

"Okay." I said. 

"Everyone return to their textbooks, please." 

"I can't, Professor." Terry raised his hand. "Daisy tipped mine out the window." 

"Me too." Harry also raised his hand. 

Umbridge ignored them. 

The class silence continued. Terry and I charmed the rubber egg and actual rubbers to fly into the air and knock against Kylie's bodyguard, who was standing silently beside the door. The man's face slowly and steadily grew darker, until he finally snapped. 

"Stop it, you awful fucking teenagers!" Kylie's bodyguard snarled, his wand out at us. Terry and I sniggered loudly. 

"Get out of my classroom, please." Umbridge said to the bodyguard. 

"Why ever would you want to say that, Professor?" I asked stupidly, tilting my head. She ignored me, her eyes still on the man. Kylie's bodyguard shuffled out of the room. 

"He's gone!" Terry cheered, and we both stood up. "Come on, guys! Up and dance!" 

The two of us started dancing wildly in the middle of the room, and Kylie, Draco, Harry, and Ron joined us, flinging their arms around madly. Umbridge immediately ordered us back to our seats, but I took Kylie's hand solemnly in mine. Terry beamed, raising his wand. 

"I hereby marry these two women in holy matrimony or whatever the fuck. You may kiss the bride!" 

Kylie and I leaned in, and our lips met. I drew her closer to me, letting her lips move passionately with mine as the class applauded us. Umbridge was furious when we broke apart, giving Terry, Kylie, and me another round of detentions. 

Dean, grinning, raised his hand. I immediately changed course from my seat, heading straight for him. I stopped beside his desk, slipping a Puking Pastille into Umbridge's tea on her desk, and said to Dean, his little black bow balanced precariously on his head, "Yes, what do you need help with?" 

"Uh, I don't really understand this chapter. Can you explain it to me?" 

"Of course, Dean." I said as Dean snickered. "The chapter is complete bullshit. I hope that helped." 

"It really did." Dean admitted. "Thank you so much for helping." 

"No problem at all; it's my job." I bowed deeply. Umbridge stared me down on the way back to my desk. 

Another five minutes passed. Terry brought out the two small water bottles that he had filled with Firewhisky, and gave one to me, clinking our bottles together. 

"Bottoms up!" 

We both took a huge swig. Umbridge was immediately over at our desks, wand out at her side. 

"Is that alcohol that you are drinking in my class, Miss Potter, Mr Boot?" 

"Absolutely." We chorused, beaming up at her. 

"I am sending you both to Professor Dumbledore." Umbridge said. "You -" 

Terry and I smirked as Umbridge went a faint shade of green. Then - "BLEUGH!" Our Professor was vomiting all over the floor. 

"If we take the Fainting Fancies, we'll get out of the Dumbledore visit, and we'll also get out of the repercussions from THIS." I said to my best friend, gesturing at Umbridge wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, only to start heaving again. Terry nodded. 

We both high-fived before taking the yellow part of the Fainting Fancies. We linked arms as the room started spinning, black spots dancing in my vision... 

~~~ 

The cut on the back of my hand had barely healed and, by the following morning, it was bleeding again. I did not complain during the evening's detention; I was determined not to give Umbridge the satisfaction; over and over again I wrote 'Bad girls deserve to be punished' and not a sound escaped my lips, though the cut deepened with every letter. Terry and Kylie being beside me strengthened my resolve, even if they were being made to write 'I must not break rules' on their hands. We managed to have a little bit of banter at least, through gestures and grins and whispers and quiet, tiny snickers. It was a shame that Umbridge forced Kylie's bodyguard to stand outside her office instead of inside; it would have been entertaining to see his response to Umbridge forcing her to cut her hand open. 

The very worst part of this second week's worth of detentions was, just as George had predicted, Angelina's reaction. She cornered me just as I arrived at the Gryffindor table for breakfast on Tuesday and shouted so loudly that Professor McGonagall came sweeping down upon the pair of us from the staff table.

"Miss Johnson, how dare you make such a racket in the Great Hall! Five points from Gryffindor!" 

"But Professor - she's gone and landed herself in detention again -" 

"I'm not particularly surprised, Miss Johnson. This is Miss Potter we're talking about." Professor McGonagall said sharply. She rounded on me. "From whom?" 

"From Professor Toad." I said, tossing my hair over my shoulder. 

"Are you telling me," She said, lowering her voice so that the group of curious Ravenclaws behind us could not hear, "that after the warning I gave you last Monday you acted up in Professor Umbridge's class again?" 

"I guess." I said. 

"Miss Potter, you must get a grip on yourself! You are heading for serious trouble! Another five points from Gryffindor!" 

"Um, why? I'm already being punished by her, why do YOU have to take points as well?" 

"Because detentions do not appear to have any effect on you whatsoever!" Professor McGonagall said tartly. Fred, George, and Terry shrugged, nodding, as I tilted my head in an I-suppose gesture. "No, not another word of complaint, Miss Potter! And as for you, Miss Johnson, you will confine your shouting matches to the Quidditch pitch in future or risk losing the team captaincy!" 

McGonagall strode back towards the staff table. Angelina gave me a look of deepest anger and stalked away, upon which I flung myself on to the bench beside Fred, rolling my eyes.

"She's taken points off Gryffindor because I'm having my hand sliced open every night. How is that fair, how? Seriously, like?" 

"I know, mate." Fred said sympathetically, tipping bacon onto my plate. "She's bang out of order." 

~~~

In Transfiguration later, Umbridge and her clipboard were sitting in a corner and the sight of her drove the memory of breakfast right out of my head.

"Excellent." Ron whispered, as we sat down in our usual seats, me in between him and my brother. "Let's see Umbridge get what she deserves." 

McGonagall marched into the room without giving the slightest indication that she knew Umbridge was there.

"That will do." She said and silence fell immediately. "Mr Finnigan, kindly come here and hand back the homework - Miss Brown, please take this box of mice - don't be silly, girl, they won't hurt you - and hand one to each student -" 

"Hem, hem." Umbridge said, employing the same silly little cough she had used to interrupt Dumbledore on the first night of term. McGonagall ignored her. Seamus handed back my essay; I took it, fist-bumping him, and saw that I had managed an 'E.' 

"Right then, everyone, listen closely - Dean Thomas, Daisy Potter, if you two do that to the mouse again I shall put you both in detention - most of you have now successfully Vanished your snails and even those who were left with a certain amount of shell have got the gist of the spell. Today, we shall be -" 

"Hem, hem." Umbridge said.

"Yes?" McGonagall said, turning round, her eyebrows so close together they seemed to form one long, severe line.

"I was just wondering, Professor, whether you received my note telling you of the date and time of your inspec-" 

"Obviously I received it, or I would have asked you what you are doing in my classroom." Professor McGonagall said, turning her back firmly on Umbridge. Many of us students exchanged looks of glee; Ron and I raised eyebrows at each other, our eyes gleaming with excited amusement. "As I was saying: today, we shall be practising the altogether more difficult Vanishment of mice. Now, the Vanishing Spell -" 

"Hem, hem." 

"I wonder," Professor McGonagall said in cold fury, turning on Umbridge, "how you expect to gain an idea of my usual teaching methods if you continue to interrupt me? You see, I do not generally permit people to talk when I am talking." 

Umbridge looked as though she had just been slapped in the face. She did not speak, but straightened the parchment on her clipboard and began scribbling furiously. I glanced at Kylie, and we both grinned at each other. 

Looking supremely unconcerned, Professor McGonagall addressed the class once more.

"As I was saying: the Vanishing Spell becomes more difficult with the complexity of the animal to be Vanished. The snail, as an invertebrate, does not present much of a challenge; the mouse, as a mammal, offers a much greater one. This is not, therefore, magic you can accomplish with your mind on your dinner. So - you know the incantation, let me see what you can do..." 

"How she can lecture me about not losing my temper with Umbitch!" I muttered to Harry under my breath, but I was grinning - my annoyance with McGonagall had quite evaporated.

Umbridge did not follow McGonagall around the class as she had followed Trelawney in our other class; perhaps she realised McGonagall would not permit it. She did, however, take many more notes while sitting in her corner, and when McGonagall finally told us all to pack away, she rose with a grim expression on her face.

"Well, it's a start." I said, holding up a long wriggling mouse-tail and dropping it back into the box Lavender was passing around. 

"You were so uncharacteristically well-behaved in class today." Harry whispered to me. "It's so weird. Please give me my sister back." 

I sniggered. "Only for Minnie, Harry. Only for Minnie." 

As we filed out of the classroom, I saw Umbridge approach the teacher's desk; I nudged Harry, who nudged Ron in turn, and the three of us deliberately fell back to eavesdrop.

"How long have you been teaching at Hogwarts?" Umbridge asked.

"Thirty-nine years this December." Professor McGonagall said brusquely, snapping her bag shut.

Umbridge made a note.

"Very well." She said. "You will receive the results of your inspection in ten days' time." 

"I can hardly wait." Professor McGonagall said, in a coldly indifferent voice, and she strode off towards the door. "Hurry up, you three." She added, sweeping me, Harry, and Ron before her.

I could not help giving her a faint smile and could have sworn I received one in return.

~~~ 

It was nearly midnight when I left Umbridge's office that night, my hand now bleeding so severely that it was staining the scarf I had wrapped around it. I expected the common room to be empty when I returned, but Fred and George had sat up waiting for me. 

"Here." Fred said anxiously, pushing a small bowl of yellow liquid towards me. "Soak your hand in that, it's a solution of strained and pickled Murtlap tentacles, it should help." 

I placed my bleeding, aching hand into the bowl and experienced a wonderful feeling of relief. Crookshanks curled around my legs, purring loudly, then leapt into my lap and settled down.

"Thanks." I said gratefully, scratching behind Crookshanks's ears with my left hand. "Can I ask where you guys got it?" 

The twins exchanged a grin. 

"It's nothing dodgy. We use it to soothe the boils the Fever Fudge sometimes gives us." 

"In... undesirable places." George muttered. 

I sniggered. 

"We still reckon you should complain about this." Fred said in a low voice. "I know that we usually tend to solve our problems with people in a more - er - DIRECT way, but this is beyond being malicious. This is straight up abuse and corruption." 

"No." I said flatly. "In this situation, it's better to do it our way." 

"McGonagall would go nuts if she knew -" 

"Yeah, she probably would." I said dully. "And how long do you reckon it'd take Umbitch to pass another decree saying anyone who complains about the High Inquisitor gets sacked immediately?" 

"She's a literal piece of shit." Fred said. "Piece of SHIT. You know, Hermione was just saying to us before you came in... we've got to do something about her. And she doesn't mean our usual way or reporting her, either." 

"We suggested poison." George said grimly.

"But your dear bushy-haired friend mentioned something about what a dreadful teacher she is, and how we're not going to learn any Defence from her at all." Fred said.

"Well, what can we do about that?" I said, yawning. "'S too late, isn't it? She's got the job, she's here to stay, unfortunately. Fudge'll make sure of that, the slimy fucker." 

"Well," Fred said, grinning, "maybe the time's come when we should just do it ourselves." 

"Do what ourselves?" I said suspiciously, still floating my hand in the essence of Murtlap tentacles.

"Learn Defence Against the Dark Arts ourselves, of course." George said.

"Come off it." I groaned. "You want us to do extra work? D'you realise what you're saying? You're Fred and George WEASLEY, for fuck sake. And Terry and I are behind on homework again and it's only the second week." 

"Don't be silly, this isn't about work, Softpaw." George leaned in. 

"It's about preparing ourselves, like you said in that bitch's first lesson -" 

"Gossip spreads fast, huh?"

"- for what's waiting for us out there. It's about making sure we really can defend ourselves. If we don't learn anything for a whole year - I mean, even the little bit that George and I usually learn when we rarely pay attention - it's gone -" 

"We can't do much by ourselves." I said in a defeated voice. "I mean, all right, we can go and look jinxes up in the library and try and practise them, I suppose -" 

"No, I agree, we've gone past the stage where we can just learn things out of books." Fred said, and George nodded. "We need a teacher, a proper one, who can show us how to use the spells and correct us if we're going wrong." 

"If you're talking about Remus..." I began.

'No, no, we're not talking about Lupin." Fred said. "Someone a lot more sexy." 

"Who, then?" I said, frowning at him. "Don't remember any female DADA teachers other than Umbridge. Unless you're referring to Lockhart, of course; everyone knows about George and Gilderoy's love affair." 

I smirked as George visibly shuddered. 

"Isn't it obvious?" Fred said. "I'm talking about you, Softpaw." 

I was grinning now, sure the pair of them were pulling my leg.

"But I'm not a teacher, I can't - I mean, I'm sure I could dress up as a sexy teacher for you guys if you REALLY wanted -" 

"Softpaw, you're the best in your year at Defence Against the Dark Arts, and probably better than most ones in our year. If even. You're probably the best out of everyone in the whole school." George said.

"Me?" I said, now grinning more broadly than ever. "Yeah, I guess. I AM better than everyone else, aren't I?" 

"You are, no need to rub it in." Fred rolled his eyes. "But we're not just on about test results. Think what you've done!" 

"How d'you mean?" 

"You know what, I'm not sure I want someone this stupid teaching me." George said to Fred, smirking slightly. He turned to me. "Let's think." He said, pulling a face like Goyle concentrating. "Uh... in your first year - you saved the Philosopher's Stone from You-Know-Poo." 

"But that was luck." I said. "It definitely wasn't skill -" 

"Your second year." Fred interrupted. "You killed the Basilisk and destroyed diary Riddle." 

"Yeah, but if Fawkes hadn't turned up, I -" 

"Third year." George said, louder still. "You fought off about a hundred dementors at once -" 

"Harry and Draco -" 

"Last year." Fred said, almost shouting. "You fought off You-Know-Poo again -" 

"Listen to me!" I said, almost angrily, because Fred and George were both smirking now. "Just listen to me, all right? It sounds great when you say it like that, but all that stuff was luck - I didn't know what I was doing half the time, I didn't plan any of it, I just did whatever I could think of, and I nearly always had help -" 

Fred and George were still smirking and I rolled my eyes. 

"Don't sit there grinning like you know better than I do, I was there, wasn't I?" I said heatedly. "I know what went on, all right? And I didn't get through any of that because I was brilliant at Defence Against the Dark Arts, I got through it all because - because help came at the right time, or because I guessed right - but I just blundered through it all, I didn't have a clue what I was doing - STOP LAUGHING!" 

~~~ 

I guessed that it was a good idea, and we managed to get Harry on board. Hermione was especially excited to get this idea on the road, and had went round a few people, asking if they'd like to be taught by me and my twin. She told us that we were meeting with these ones on the next Hogsmeade weekend. 

The morning of the Hogsmeade visit dawned bright but windy. After breakfast we queued up in front of Filch, who matched our names to the long list of students who had permission from their parents or guardian to visit the village. With a slight pang, I remembered that if it hadn't been for Sirius, I would not have been going at all. I missed him. 

When I reached Filch, the caretaker gave a great sniff as though trying to detect a whiff of something from me. Then he gave a curt nod that set his jowls aquiver again and I walked on, sniggering, out on to the stone steps and the cold, sunlit day.

"Er - why was Filch sniffing you?" Terry asked, as he, Fred, George, and I set off at a brisk pace down the wide drive to the gates. 

"Fuckin' creep." Fred glared over his shoulder at him. "I'll bash him for you, Softpaw." 

"I suppose he was checking for the smell of Dungbombs." I said with a small laugh. "I forgot to tell you..." 

And I recounted the story of sending my letter to Sirius and Filch bursting in seconds later, demanding to see the letter. We walked between the tall stone pillars topped with winged boars and turned left on to the road into the village, the wind whipping our hair into our eyes.

"I think he just thought you were stinky, Softpaw." Terry wrinkled his nose up at me, and I shoved him. 

And we remained deep in banter all the way into the outskirts of Hogsmeade.

"Where are we going later, anyway?" I asked. "The Three Broomsticks?" 

"Hermione's told the others to meet us in the Hog's Head, that other pub, you know the one, it's not on the main road. Students don't normally go in there, so she didn't think we'd be overheard." Terry said. 

"Hmm." I said. "I know the one. Surely we'd be easier overheard, 'cause it's quiet?" 

Terry shrugged. 

We walked down the main street towards Zonko's Wizarding Joke Shop, where we spent the next half hour. Eventually we emerged from the banterful shop, carrying large paper bags crammed with Zonko's merchandise, and passed the post office, from which owls issued at regular intervals, and turned up a side-street at the top of which stood a small inn. A battered wooden sign hung from a rusty bracket over the door, with a picture on it of a wild boar's severed head, leaking blood on to the white cloth around it. The sign creaked in the wind as we approached. A huge group of classmates were approaching, too, and I smirked. 

"You know what?" Ron was saying as we entered, looking over at the bar with enthusiasm. "We could order anything we liked in here. I bet that bloke would sell us anything, he wouldn't care. I've always wanted to try Firewhisky -" 

"You - are - a - prefect." Hermione snarled.

"Oh." Ron said, the smile fading from his face. "Yeah..." 

Him, Kylie, and Harry grinned at me as they spotted me. I leant back against the bar, grinning, and watched as the rest came in. 

First came Draco, Lee, and Neville with Dean, Seamus, and Lavender, who were closely followed by Parvati and Padma with Cedric, Cho, and three of her usually-giggling girlfriends, then (on her own and looking so dreamy she might have walked in by accident) Luna Lovegood; then Suzanne and Shannon, with Pansy tagging along, then Katie, Leanne, Alicia Spinnet, and Angelina, Colin and Dennis, Ernie Macmillan, Justin Finch-Fletchley, Hannah Abbott, Susan; Anthony Goldstein, and Michael Corner, Ginny, closely followed by a tall skinny blond boy with an upturned nose whom I recognised vaguely as Zacharias Smith, a member of the Hufflepuff Quidditch team and, bringing up the rear, Kurt, Lewis, and Louis. 

"A couple of people?" Harry said hoarsely to Hermione as I clapped my hands together excitedly. "A couple of people?" 

"Yes, well, the idea seemed quite popular." Hermione said happily. "Ron, do you want to pull up some more chairs?" 

The barman had frozen in the act of wiping out a glass with a rag so filthy it looked as though it had never been washed. Possibly, he had never seen his pub so full.

"Hi," Fred said, reaching the bar first and counting our companions quickly, "could we have... forty-two Butterbeers, please?" 

The barman glared at him for a moment, then, throwing down his rag irritably as though he had been interrupted in something very important, he started passing up dusty Butterbeers from under the bar.

"Cheers." Fred said, handing them out. "Cough up, everyone, I haven't got enough gold for all of these..." 

I watched, grinning, as the large chattering group took their beers from Fred and rummaged in their robes to find coins. I plopped down beside Harry, the twins and Terry settling themselves beside me. In twos and threes the new arrivals settled around us, some looking rather excited, others curious, Luna Lovegood gazing dreamily into space. When everybody had pulled up a chair, the chatter died out. Every eye was upon me.

"Hey, everyone." I said confidently, leaning back in my chair and folding my arms behind my head. I smirked around at everybody. "You know why you're here. Literal goddess Hermione -" Hermione blushed, "- had the idea that it might be good if people who wanted to study Defence Against the Dark Arts, like, really study it, you know, not the bullshit that Umbitch is doing with us, because nobody could call THAT Defence Against the Dark Arts -" ("Hear, hear." Anthony said.) "And Fred and George convinced me that it would be good if we... well... took matters into our OWN hands." 

I paused to take a swig of my Butterbeer. I glanced around at everyone's faces, watching me. 

"And by that I mean learning how to defend ourselves properly, not just in theory but doing the real spells. And this is more important than passing our exams. More than that, I want us to be properly trained in defence because... because Lord Voldemort is back." 

The reaction was immediate and predictable. One of Cho's friends shrieked and slopped Butterbeer down herself; Terry gave a kind of involuntary twitch; Padma shuddered, and Neville gave an odd yelp that he managed to turn into a cough. All of them, however, looked fixedly, even eagerly, at me.

"Is it true," Susan said, looking at me and Harry, "that you guys can produce a Patronus?" 

There was a murmur of interest around the group at this.

"Yeah." Harry and I said. 

"A corporeal Patronus?" 

The phrase stirred something in my memory.

"Susan, stop taking after your aunt." I grinned.

Susan smiled. "Sorry. She told me about your hearing. So - is it really true? You make dog and stag Patronuses?" 

"Yeah." Harry and I said. 

"Blimey, Daisy!" Lee said, looking deeply impressed. "I never knew that!" 

"Mum told us not to spread it around." Fred said, grinning at me. "She said you got enough attention as it was." 

"And for good reason." I beamed, and a couple of people laughed.

A veiled witch sitting alone in front of the fireplace shifted very slightly in her seat.

"And did you kill a Basilisk with that sword in Dumbledore's office?" Justin demanded. "That's what one of the portraits on the wall told me when I was in there last year..." 

"Er - yeah, I did, yeah." I said.

Justin whistled; the Creevey brothers exchanged awestruck looks and Lavender said "Wow!" softly. 

"And in our first year," Neville said to the group at large, "Daisy and Harry saved that Philological Stone -" 

"Philosopher's." Hermione hissed.

"Yes, that - from You-Know-Who." Neville finished.

Hannah's eyes were as round as Galleons.

"And that's not to mention," Cedric said, smiling, "all the tasks we had to get through in the Triwizard Tournament last year - getting past dragons and merpeople and Acromantula and things..." 

There was a murmur of impressed agreement around the table. I sighed, leaning forward on the table with my elbows. 

"Look," I said, and everyone fell silent at once, "I know I'm bigheaded and proud of myself and shit... but I... I don't want to sound like I'm trying to be modest or anything, but... Harry and I had a lot of help with all that stuff..."

"Not with the dragon, you didn't." Michael said at once. "That was a seriously cool bit of flying..." 

"Yeah, well -" I said, feeling it would be churlish to disagree.

"And nobody helped you two get rid of those Dementors this summer." Susan said.

"No," I said, "no, OK, I know we did bits of it without help, but the point I'm trying to make is -" 

"Are you trying to weasel out of showing us any of this stuff?" Zacharias said, smirking.

"Here's an idea." Ron said loudly, before I could speak. "Why don't you shut your mouth?" 

Perhaps the word 'weasel' had affected Ron particularly strongly. In any case, he was now looking at Zacharias as though he would like nothing better than to thump him. Zacharias flushed.

"Well, we've all turned up to learn from them and now they're telling us they can't really do any of it." He said.

"That's not what Daisy said." Fred snarled.

"Would you like us to clean out your ears for you?" George enquired, pulling a long and lethal-looking metal instrument from inside one of the Zonko's bags.

"Or any part of your body, really, we're not fussy where we stick this." Fred said.

"Yes, well." Hermione said hastily, moving on. "The point is, are we agreed we want to take lessons from Daisy and Harry?" 

There was a murmur of general agreement. Zacharias folded his arms and said nothing, though perhaps this was because he was too busy keeping an eye on the instrument in Fred's hand.

"Right." Hermione said, looking relieved that something had at last been settled. "Well, then, the next question is how often we do it. I really don't think there's any point in meeting less than once a week -" 

"Hang on." Angelina said. "We need to make sure this doesn't clash with our Quidditch practice." 

"No." Terry said. "Nor with ours." 

"Nor ours." Zacharias added.

"I'm sure we can find a night that suits everyone." Hermione said, slightly impatiently. "But you know, this is rather important, we're talking about learning to defend ourselves against V-Voldemort's Death Eaters -" 

"Well said!" Ernie barked, who I had been expecting to speak long before this. "Personally, I think this is really important, possibly more important than anything else we'll do this year, even with our OWLs coming up!" 

He looked around impressively, as though waiting for people to cry "Surely not!" When nobody spoke, he went on, "I, personally, am at a loss to see why the Ministry has foisted such a useless teacher on us at this critical period. Obviously, they are in denial about the return of You-Know-Who, but to give us a teacher who is trying to actively prevent us from using defensive spells -" 

"We think the reason Umbridge doesn't want us trained in Defence Against the Dark Arts," said Hermione, "is that she's got some... some mad idea that Dumbledore could use the students in the school as a kind of private army. She thinks he'd mobilise us against the Ministry." 

Nearly everybody looked stunned at this news; everybody except Luna Lovegood, who piped up, "Well, that makes sense. After all, Cornelius Fudge has got his own private army." 

"What?" Harry said, seemingly completely thrown by this unexpected piece of information.

"Yes, he's got an army of Heliopaths." Luna said solemnly.

"No, he hasn't." Hermione snapped.

"Yes, he has." Luna said.

"What are Heliopaths?" Neville asked, looking blank.

"They're spirits of fire." Luna said, her protuberant eyes widening so that she looked madder than ever. "Great tall flaming creatures that gallop across the ground burning everything in front of -" 

"They don't exist, Neville." Hermione said tartly.

"Oh, yes, they do!" Luna said angrily.

"I'm sorry, but where's the proof of that?" Hermione snapped.

"There are plenty of eye-witness accounts. Just because you're so narrow-minded you need to have everything shoved under your nose before you -" 

"Hem, hem." Ginny said, in such a good imitation of Umbridge that several people looked around in alarm and then laughed. "Weren't we trying to decide how often we're going to meet and have defence lessons?" 

"Yes." Hermione said at once. "Yes, we were, you're right, Ginny." 

"Well, once a week sounds cool." Lee said. 

"As long as -" Angelina began.

"Yes, yes, we know about the Quidditch." Hermione said in a tense voice. "Well, the other thing to decide is where we're going to meet..."

This was rather more difficult; the whole group fell silent.

"Library?" Katie suggested after a few moments.

"I can't see Madam Pince being too chuffed with us doing jinxes in the library." Suzanne said. 

"Maybe an unused classroom?" Dean said.

"Yeah." Terry said. "McGonagall might let us have hers, she did when Daisy was practising for the Triwizard." 

But I was pretty certain that McGonagall would not be so accommodating this time. For all that Hermione had said about study and homework groups being allowed, I had the distinct feeling that this one might be considered a lot more rebellious.

"Right, well, we'll try to find somewhere." Hermione said. "We'll send a message round to everybody when we've got a time and a place for the first meeting." 

She rummaged in her bag and produced parchment and a quill, then hesitated, rather as though she was steeling herself to say something.

"I - I think everybody should write their name down, just so we know who was here. But I also think," She took a deep breath, "that we all ought to agree not to shout about what we're doing. So if you sign, you're agreeing not to tell Umbridge or anybody else what we're up to." 

Fred reached out for the parchment after me and cheerfully wrote his signature, but I noticed at once that several people looked less than happy at the prospect of putting their names on the list.

"Er..." Zacharias said slowly, not taking the parchment that George was trying to pass to him, "Well... I'm sure Ernie will tell me when the meeting is." 

"Oh, don't be such a pussy, Smith." One of Cho's friends said. She was sitting next to who I assumed was her fraternal twin sister, I had seen them in the Gryffindor common room a few times; I thought they were sixth years. 

Her high-cheekboned, chestnut-haired sister seized the paper and wrote her name under Ginny's after she signed it, 'Connie Brooke.' Her rounder-faced twin who had called Zach a pussy, with the pastel-pink hair in a straightened high ponytail, signed after, 'Bonnie Brooke.' 

But Ernie was looking rather hesitant about signing, too. Hermione raised her eyebrows at him.

"I - well, we ARE prefects." Ernie burst out. "And if this list was found... well, I mean to say... you said yourself, if Umbridge finds out -" 

"You just said this group was the most important thing you'd do this year, Ernie-Bernie." I reminded him.

"I - yes," said Ernie, "yes, I do believe that, it's just -" 

"Ernie, I'm Head Boy; how do you think I feel? Yet I've just signed it myself." Cedric said testily. "Do you really think Hermione'd leave that list lying around?"

"No. No, of course not." Ernie said, looking slightly less anxious. "I - yes, of course I'll sign." 

Nobody raised objections after Ernie, though I saw Cho's other friend give her a rather reproachful look before adding her own name. When the last person - Zacharias - had signed, Hermione took the parchment back and slipped it carefully into her bag. There was an odd feeling in the group now. It was as though we had just signed some kind of contract.

"Well, time's ticking on." Fred said briskly, getting to his feet. "Softpaw, Bushy, Hopper, Lee, and I have got items of a sensitive nature to purchase, we'll be seeing you all later." 

I was tugged up by Fred, and the five of us left the Hog's Head. We breathed in the fresh air, and the twins set off down the path. Terry and I exchanged a glance as Lee hurried to keep up with them, and we followed. 

"Voila!" Fred said merrily as we arrived at our destination. I took one look at the shop, and burst out laughing. 

"Well, come on." George grinned, opening the door. "Ladies first." 

I went inside the adult toy shop, still in a fit of laughter, as the four boys followed.