James brewed her tea in meditative silence, enjoying the quiet of the pre-dawn hours. While most people who would wake up this early did so because they had to, or wanted to fit in a workout, James was under no such obligation. She just loved this time when nobody else was awake and her mind could truly rest. Sleeping was its own respite, but her headaches affected her even during sleep. After all, this was a college town, its inhabitants lived for the AMs. Indeed, many times the night felt even more noisy and oppressive than the day.

James was a fourth year at college, studying computer science and veterinary studies, perhaps some of the majors with the least overlap. Scholarships were much more readily available to women computer science majors, though, and James was nothing if not smart despite her limitations. James had been awarded a full-ride scholarship for four years, provided she majored in computer science, maintained a GPA of 3.7 or higher, and remained in good academic standings. This meant that she would have to fund the last year of her five year courseload herself, being smart didn’t mean she could skip classes. Despite it all, what she really wanted to do wasn’t even veterinary studies but becoming a doctor.

Becoming a doctor was impossible, however, and James certainly considered herself practical. She had crippling social anxiety, so bad she couldn’t even attend Thanksgiving dinner with her whole family. Crammed into the small dining room of her grandmother’s house, everything felt like it echoed and came back to her, becoming increasingly overwhelming. She still remembered her aunt’s incredulous face the last time she had gone, doped up on medication, and tried to sit through it, clutching at the chair’s upholstery. She had lasted until the turkey was brought out, a grand thing of 25 pounds. Grand that is, until everyone’s talking became too much and she had rushed to the bathroom to vomit, crashing into an intricate side table with fancy painted plates that had come tumbling down, splintering into pieces. She had stayed there in the rose-scented restroom the rest of the night, too embarrassed to leave and face the consequences. It didn’t matter anyway, she always had better hearing than most and could hear her dad apologizing profusely while her mom tried to help clean up the ceramic on the ground. Not that coming to check in on her was a priority at all.

She had only been twelve then, but that hadn’t even been the start of it. Though that had been the last time she had seen her whole family at one time- she had been banned from greater get-togethers. Not that she cared too much, she was left feeling sick for two days after the experience and didn’t want that again.

So being a doctor, stuck in a hospital with thousands of people crammed in and expecting her not to panic was impossible. Instead, James had turned to veterinary studies, where most clinics usually had a maximum of five to ten people. When she had told her parents of her decision, one by phone and the other over a strained bowl of cereal, neither had been overly supportive, informing her she’d have to finance the venture herself. Of course, she hadn’t expected anything different and had already signed up for computer programming. As far as a backup plan, it wasn’t a bad one and really wouldn’t require too much human interaction. This school had even offered her a scholarship, and so the double major strategy had been hatched. Besides, it was programming, even if she wasn’t passionate about it, it had managed to worm its way into everything. The degree couldn’t be a bad thing.

Transferring her cup, a rather small ceramic one that could easily be gripped with one hand to better appreciate the tea’s warmth, to her small living room, James opened her tablet to start the day’s reading. Unlike other students, content to bask in their mediocrity, James had started going through interesting journal publications in her second year. This often ensured that she was ahead of much of the material presented in class and kept her motivated. One day she’d be able to use this knowledge to do something meaningful. Something so grand it wouldn’t matter nobody ever saw her face or knew what she looked like outside of a screen.

But that was a pipe dream. Currently, James was just another faceless undergraduate student trying to obtain her degree.