FLASH MARRIAGE  老婆，跟我回家吧

Author:   Jiu Xiao Qi  酒小七

Total Chapters:  67 Chapters + 6 Epilogues = 73 Parts

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         I stirred the coffee in the cup that I was holding and leaned back in a comfortable position on the chair amidst the elegant and sleepy music that was playing.  Then I glanced at the man sitting opposite me, sizing him up with my rueful eyes.  To preserve the image of a lady that I had tried to present, I stifled back a yawn.

          To me, coffee is a drink not fit for human consumption but I take pleasure in wasting coffee.  A drink that is difficult to consume was destined to be wasted……despite the fact that the little cup of coffee in front of me could buy me a few boxes of yogurt.

          The man sitting opposite was staring at me without expression.  Perhaps noticing my impatience, he finally spoke.  "So, let me have your views on 'fang shi'." (*房事 means intercourse)

          This man really did not let me down, actually showing interest in such a boring topic.  With a hand propping up my chin, I elaborated on my knowledge in this particular industry.  "The 'fang shi' (*房市 - housing market has the same pinyin pronunciation with intercourse) is risky and investments should be cautious."   At that time, what he meant said was 'intercourse' and what I had misunderstood was 'housing market'.

          Perhaps it was due to my drowsiness which caused an illusion.  So, at that moment I actually saw the man's face turned green and then immediately turned back to normal.  He used his fingertips to lightly rest against the side of his cup.  He paused for a moment then suddenly looked up at me and gave me a shock when he spoke.

          He said.  "Good.  Now let's talk about our marriage."

          Me:  "….."

          My goodness!   What should I say now?  'Is something wrong with you?'   'Don’t you think this is too fast?'  or  'Go to hell?'   No matter what kind of answer I intended to give, it seems it would not have any great impact on this man that I only just met about half an hour ago.

          I really did not know what kind of expression I should be showing him and I could only show him my expressionless face.  "If your brain is not working, it will be better if you don't go on a blind date……"

          He was drinking when I spoke and after hearing what I said, he choked on his coffee and then coughed vehemently.  He picked up a paper towel, wiped his mouth and looked at me with resentment.  He made as if to speak but he was still coughing badly.

          I gloated at his misfortune and wanted to say 'if you cannot act like a gentleman, do not pretend to be one' but looking at his raised eyebrows and sharp eyes, I momentarily swallowed my words that were at the edge of my lips……..you can say that I am actually very kind-hearted and would not take advantage of anyone.       

          After he was done with his coughing, suddenly he said.  "I know you also don't want to get married."

          I was taken by surprise.  First, he knew that I 'do not want to get married' but how did he know?    I assumed he had made a wild guess…….    Second, he said I 'also' do not want to get married.  Then, other than me, someone else also did not want to get married?   This person should be him or else why should he link up other people's marriage with me.  Well, he should be like me, being forced to marry by family.

          Goodness, we are all forced to marry!

          Thinking of this situation, my heart calmed down.  It was like looking at my own suffering in grief but seeing that others were also suffering the same fate, I felt more comfortable.  Especially when the person was of a higher social status than me, like the person in front of me. 

          Although I am an urban white-collar unemployed good-for-nothing, I still possess the basic skill of assessing a person. 

          From the man's clothes and his mannerism, it could be seen that he is from a good family with status.  If he is in disguise, then this conman has a promising future, not like me, a good-for-nothing, who had to worry about my daily expenses and who could not even compare with him.

          My heart suddenly cheered up, I smiled boldly and said.  "Those who have the same problems sympathize with each other." 

          He did not accept my good intentions but faintly said.  "Anyway, both of us do not want to get married.  After marriage, we can each lead our own lives without any interference, without any care."   He paused before adding.  "Including sexual matters."

          Such people were a rarity.   It seems like he already had someone but due to family objections, he could not be together with his loved one.   In my heart, I did a fast and speedy compilation of a desolate melodramatic love story.   I was moved, stared at him and lightly laughed.  "Are you not afraid that I may have a change of heart and seduce you?"   After saying those words, my heart felt a slight inexplicable pain.

          He looked at me with suspicious eyes, the kind of suspicion that was completely brazen, assessing my physical assets. I felt angry, looked up and stared back at him……I am beautiful!

          He finally shifted his eyes and I thought he had to admit that I did have this strength of seduction when he lightly thinned his lips and once again shocked me.

          He said.  "I am gay."

          This time, it was my turn to cough.

          He kindly handed me a paper towel but I slapped away his hand.   I pulled out a paper towel and clutched it to my mouth, glaring at him.   A gay going on a blind date with a woman?

          His mood did not seem good, coldly looked at me but did not speak.

          Most probably he had misunderstood, so I explained.  "I do not discriminate against gay but er……a bit shocked.    After all, people like you are few and feeling surprised is understandable."   He was the first gay that I saw in real life, at least the first one I know that admitted he was gay, it is so difficult to put into words……..

          He called for the waiter and settled the bill, then in a faint icy tone said.  "Since Miss Guan is not interested in marriage, then we do not need to waste time anymore, goodbye."

          "Stop!"  I called out to him from behind.

          He stood still but did not turn around.

          I cleared my throat and mustering my courage, I asked.  "When are we going to get the marriage certificate?"

          He turned around slowly, his actions were just like a robot.  When I saw the complex and varied expressions on his face, I felt so happy that I gave him a wide smile.

          My surname is Guan and my name is Xiao Yan.  Although I was born in the ordinary class of workers and peasants, after a few years of being brain-washed by money and bureaucracy in the working world, I like it when I am greeted as Miss.  So stylish!

          I am twenty-seven years old and belong to the withered flower and fruitless age.   I am still an old virgin, cough!  Cough!    Although I would like to get rid of this title but did not have the opportunity to do so.    At the age of eighteen, I felt proud to be still a virgin, but not…..even if I am not ashamed to be a virgin but it is still not glorious.

          Originally my life was calm without waves and men to me was a dispensable item.   But as I grew older, my passionate, enthusiastic, hot-blooded mother decided not to sit still.   Every day she would cry in front of me claiming that each day I remain single, she would not be able to sleep well or eat well.

          Although I always wondered how she could muster all those flowing tears, but taking into consideration that the old lady was complaining day in, day out which was getting out of hand, I then decided that I would definitely get married to settle this problem once and for all.

          Anyway, marriage to me, like men was also dispensable.

          Even if I did not marry but at least I could pretend to go on blind dates to ease the old lady's heart which could help her to save some money from buying eye drops.

          A little while back, I saw a unique posting on the internet by a man who was looking for a blind date.   The contents were a series of test questions and the candidates, er….no,……blind dates had to do a series of test questions and sent them to a given mailbox and then wait for the other person to contact.    Although I had thought that this man was arrogant but the questions were quite interesting.    So, for fun, I had answered the questions and then sent it back, totally forgetting about it after that.

          And later, from time to time, I had gone on blind dates with strange men and treating it as a way to test the other person's resistance and strength.   Life was full of fun!

          Until yesterday, I received a call informing me to go for an interview, er….no,…….a blind date.

          By this time, I had already forgotten the name of the other person and had to pull out the post to reread again.

          Name:  Jiang Li

          Age:  30

          Occupation:  Engineer

          Contact was input with a mailbox address which was the same mailbox that the answer sheet was sent to.

          Except for the name, I did not receive any other information and actually, I did not have any interest in getting more information.   False information could be given over the network and anyway, all would be known after we had met.

          I admitted that I was bored and going on blind dates was just to kill time.   So long as we could carry on a conversation would be good enough and I was not bothered.   Of course, I would not go for every blind date but yesterday when the person called, the sound of his voice was very nice, so I decided to come.

          So, today there was this funny and embarrassing blind date.

          And then there was this funny and embarrassing result.

          At this point, the man was looking at me in puzzlement and carefully asked.  "Are you sure?" 

          I shrugged and said.  "Isn't this what you wanted?"

          "But I cannot give you anything from this marriage."   I could see that he was still a reasonable man although his dislike for me was showing in his eyes.

          I did not care.  "I don't want anything from you.   Anyway, it doesn't matter who I marry.   As you have rightly said, after marriage, we could live without interference from each other."    And I also could eliminate the problem of having children.  "In my heart, I always had the idea that children are the creditors of the parents.  Those who have children would never have a peaceful life."

          He hesitated and said.  "As to children, we can find a surrogate mother."

          I nodded and agreed.  "Then you can find someone else.  I am only responsible to be the stepmother."    I had a wicked thought.  When stepmother is in a bad mood, she can abuse the child.

          For a moment, he did not know what to say but I could see the dissatisfaction on his face.   So I said out of context.  "In accordance with your requirement, marrying a puppet wife is not difficult and now there are a lot of 'bad' females who are very willing to marry a gay."  I am not a 'bad' woman but this was what I had heard.

          He glanced at me with more displeasure, frowned and said.  "I just wanted less trouble."

          How could it be less trouble?  Of course, the point is to look for a stranger and marry her so that this matter will not be spread among his circle of friends and relatives, right?

          I thought smartly to myself.   And 'bad' women would still go crazy over gays, they …….would not like to be disturbed by women, right?

          But there was something that I did not understand. 

          "Then you can look for a lesbian.  It would safer and more environmentally friendly."

          He looked at me deeply and said.  "You did that psychological test and the result showed your tendency towards homosexuality."

          Me:  "….."

          That damn psychological test!

          But since the age of twenty-three, I had the notion that men were unreliable and so felt it was better to find a man who shared the same thoughts on sexual orientation and at the same time severe any of my hopes for men.  I really thought that this idea was very smart.

          At this point, Jiang Li used his thumb and forefinger to hold his chin, thought for a while and said.  "Let's get married today."   The tone of his voice was as relaxed as saying 'let's have a meal today'. 

          So, I also replied in a relaxed manner.  "Okay."   The tone was even more relaxed than having a meal together.