What is the value of my life? Have I ever accomplished anything? What's the point of my life? Should I kill myself? Would anyone care? Or would my death just be an annoyance? What show is I do?

I feel like the walls are closings in on me as of I'm running out of time. Even though I'm only 28 and I have my whole life ahead of me, I feel as though I have just been wasting it. I'm not skilled at anything. I can't play an instrument, or sing, I can't write well, and I'm not very socially competent.

Most of my day is filled with me just watching videos or tv and the only productive thing I do is my part-time job. The only reason I continue to go to work is so I can keep my life the same. I want to change and improve my life but I also don't. This isolation of mine is suffocating me. But this suffocation also feels like a warm embrace. It makes me safe at times and miserable at others. 

I'm afraid of change although I know there's nothing to be afraid of. To change oneself is so easy and at the same time difficult. It requires a willingness to achieve and I don't think I'm willing. 

I know of no motivation to help me change. Where someone might be motivated in hopes of getting a girlfriend or boyfriend or the pursuit of wealth and fame, I know that those things by themselves will not lead to happiness.

 I have never had a girlfriend nor have I had sex. I am not angry or sad about it though. Growing up I viewed relationships, not as something to pursue to look cool or get some kind of bragging rights out of, but as a deep connection between people and isn't something that should be forced.

In regards to relationships, I try to stay open-minded. I looked at all when considering a future partner. What the they looked like didn't matter to me, what I was searching for is a connection. A connection that will stand the test of time. 

In regards to my job, although it's not the most respectable job, It doesn't bother me. No, what fuels my Depression isn't not having a lot of money, or not being attractive, or not be smarter than average, it the feeling like I haven't contributed and helped people. It's knowing I could have done something and yet I haven't.  

I know I should change but I'm not sure how. Maybe I should change my environment? I don't think I can afford to move so maybe I should change how I spend my time. Instead of using all my free time to watch tv, I can instead devote that time to something more productive. I could go for a walk or run, maybe take up a hobby, or I could volunteer my time.

I should do something involving other people to help encourage me to continue. Volunteer work sounds good but which one? 

Ultimately I settled on a local group that did fundraising for different charities. I divided I would start tomorrow and make it a part of my schedule. 

It's time to change my life.