SIDE STORY 1
HOW MUCH I ENVY YOU (3/4)
If you had a boyfriend, how could he handle your weird temperament?
I arrived back in China before the start of the Spring Festival. The break was two weeks long. I decided to fly to Beijing to visit my college professors first and get together with my old college classmates. Then I would return to E City.
When Xie Yi found out I’d be in Beijing, he called me out to meet with him. I told him that my schedule in Beijing was pretty packed, and that we could talk when I got back to E City. Xie Yi didn’t try to force me past that.
I first became entangled with Xie Yi in Year 2, with the Spring Festival arts performance. Before then, I hadn’t even known who he was.
At that point, he’d already been designated the most handsome boy at First High, and he was the object of countless crushes. But I really had no clue who he was.
We met for the first time in the teacher’s office. When the teacher asked the two of us to perform a violin duet together, I immediately said, “There’s no need to cause such trouble. I can withdraw from the performance and let this student perform his solo. I’m not used to performing together with someone else.”
I swear, my words were completely genuine. What I said was what I meant, and there was no hidden meaning behind it. But oddly enough, both the teacher and Xie Yi thought that I was a bit unhappy about it. I figured that they must have misunderstood my last sentence.
And indeed, Xie Yi said, “Look here, (this) student, I’m also not used to performing with someone else. But more than that, I don’t want to strip you of your right to perform. If you don’t want to do a duet, then I’ll withdraw.”
I didn’t want to get any more involved in these questions, so I said, “Forget it. Let’s do a duet then. As long as you’re willing to practice, I don’t mind.”
From then on, Xie Yi and I would practice together after school ended. But on the first day of practice, we fought.
My violin playing wasn’t that good. If I were to go and take an exam at a professional institute, I’d definitely lose tons of points. But I just enjoyed playing the violin, with my own style, to express my heart. I didn’t care about the fingering, the stance, or even the tempo. If I wanted to play faster, I would. If I wanted to play slower, I would. Who decided that there was only one way to play a song? So when Xie Yi pointed out all the parts where my tempo was wrong, I told him, “I think we’re wasting time here, really. I don’t want to perform. You can just perform your solo.”
Later on, Xie Yi told me what he thought at the time. When he first heard me say that we were ‘wasting time,’ he simply didn’t dare to believe his ears.
Xie Yi really was like an eagle, enjoying being able to fly freely through the sky. But at the same time, he was also like a peacock. A lot of people liked him, and he was very popular. No matter where he went, he was the focus of everyone’s attentions. I guessed that there were countless girls who’d have loved to be able to perform a violin duet with him, but I said that we were just wasting time.
Xie Yi didn’t agree to my dropping out of the performance. Instead, it seemed as if his fighting spirit was ignited by me. He transformed into a violin teacher, wanting to teach me from the basics, hoping that through his training, we’d be able to perform a stunning duet on stage for the audience. But in the end, we just ended up fighting each time.
Eventually, I ended up following along with his ideas. I still felt that we were wasting our time, but Xie Yi didn’t seem to think so.
That performance was said to be a huge success. Many years later, when I was talking to Teacher Dai on the phone, she would start talking to me about the performance and how every year, the teachers still remembered it.
My memory of that day’s events aren’t very clear. What I remembered most was the expression on Gu Mingxi’s face when I got backstage.
He wasn’t as excited as the rest of the crowd. Others were applauding, but he just stood quietly at my violin case, waiting. There was just a hint of amazement and commendation in his eyes.
It was that tiny gleam in his eyes that reminded me of Arno.
After I changed my clothes and picked up my case, I asked him, “Gu Mingxi, what did you think of my performance?”
“It was good,” he said. Then he stressed, “It was really good. I’m not just saying it.”
I secretly smiled. I saw Pang Qian looking over from afar, and then I asked him, “I’m going out to the auditorium. What about you?”
His face reddened and he replied quietly, “I’m going to stay a little longer.”
I nodded. “Okay. Thanks for watching my things. I’m going first.”
After that performance, I thought that Xie Yi wouldn’t ever want to talk to me again. I hadn’t at all expected that it was just the start.
It was the first time in my life that a boy had so persistently and fervently pursued me with such youthful spirit.
From the very start, I clearly told Xie Yi that I didn’t like him. But he seemed unable to accept my answer, or maybe, he just didn’t believe me.
In June of Year 2, the Korea-Japan-hosted World Cup was getting into full force. One afternoon, Xie Yi called me out of class and confessed to me again.
“I’m sorry.” With just those two words, I turned to head back into the classroom. Xie Yi grabbed my hand and pulled me out to the balcony.
He blusteringly asked me, “Xiao Yujing, do you like Gu Mingxi?”
I bit my lip and looked at him silently.
He said, “I knew you liked Gu Mingxi! When I invited you over to my house to watch the ball game, you were so adamant against going. Then when I said that Gu Mingxi would be coming, you suddenly agreed! Xiao Yujing, you sit next to Gu Mingxi all day long. Don’t you know that he likes Crab?! The whole world knows that he likes Crab! But you don’t know?! Wake up, won’t you?! He won’t like you!”
I stared at him coldly. “Xie Yi, do you know you’re really stupid?” (Note: ‘Stupid’ or wuliao is one of the hardest words for me to translate sometimes. It’s such a common word, but doesn’t have a ‘standard’ translation. It can mean boring, senseless, or annoying… but also, sort of all of it)
He glared at me with resentment, his pretty eyes full of anger.
When I turned to leave, he grabbed onto me and pulled me into his arms.
Then he kissed me.
I spent the Christmas of 2004 in Beijing. Xie Yi called me and said he and Pang Qian had gone to Z City to find Gu Mingxi.
“You didn’t find him, did you?” I asked.
He responded, “Mm,” and then told me what he’d heard about from Pang Qian.
Gu Mingxi quit school.
I’d never thought of that happening before.
“Gu Mingxi liked Crab for so many years, and only after he disappeared did she realize her own feelings.” Xie Yi’s mood seemed a bit down. “Jodie, if one day, I were to go missing, would you suddenly wake up and realize, ‘Oh, so I liked Xie Yi.'”
I really didn’t want to hurt him, but I had to tell the truth. “I wouldn’t.”
Xie Yi was quiet for a moment. Then he gave a laugh, as quiet as possible. “I knew it.”
Two months later, he sent me a message with an attached photo. It was him and an Asian girl having fun at Disneyland. Xie Yi said that the she was his girlfriend.
But his love life didn’t go so smoothly. After just half a year, Xie Yi and his girlfriend broke up.
After that, he got another girlfriend. I was already in America by then. He flew from the west coast to the east coast to see me, which caused everyone around me to misunderstand that he was my boyfriend.
I was stone-hearted enough that I never made any comments about Xie Yi’s personal life.
I was in no position to. I was just an old friend.
All these years, I’ve been following the plan I set. I got into the top university in the nation. I picked a major that I liked. I chose an outstanding school to study abroad at. I didn’t stray even a single step off the path. And I decided that I wouldn’t date while I was in school.
It was already four years since I’d been back to China. My parents had come to live in New York for awhile as well. That Spring Festival, I met many relatives and friends I hadn’t seen in a long time. They all said that I’d changed greatly. But actually, all I did was grow my hair out, learn to wear makeup, and pick out clothes.
I thought that they were all mistaken, thinking that the past me was very individual and solitary, unlike other girls my age. In truth, I wasn’t at all different from everyone else. I was already 27 years old. If I hadn’t learned to dress up, I’d probably have become the school weirdo.
Wu Min called me and said that our high school classmates were having a get together. Coincidentally, my family was also having a dinner, so I declined.
In high school, Wu Min and I didn’t interact much. It wasn’t until we both studied at Peking University that we became close. He was a very pure and simple person. When I left for America, we would still often chat online, already having become quite good friends.
Wu Min said that Gu Mingxi was also coming to the get together. No one had seen him in nearly eight years, and (Wu Min?) hoped that I could make it.
I thought about it, and then said okay and told him to send me the time and address.
After I hung up, I sat at the table for a long time, my mind wandering. So it had already been eight years.
The Gu Mingxi in my memories was still an 18 year old youth. We sat together at the desk near the window. The warm sun streamed in and made me sleepy, so I would lay down on my arms for a bit. I looked over my arm at him. The sun shined onto his shoulder, making the dust floating in the air visible. His thick, black hair glowed healthily in the light. I could see his slender neck, the white collar from his shirt, the tiny and fine hairs on his skin, and the beads of sweat rolling down the side of his face.
During the lunch break, the weather was really hot. The ceiling fan would turn, but the wind barely reached our back corner. Still, I felt so at ease.
Gu Mingxi never took an afternoon nap. Maybe it had to do with his physical condition. When everyone else was resting, he would still be working on practice problems.
I looked at his side profile, at the subtle expression on his face. His slightly pinched, dark brows. The gentle blinking of his eyes. His straight nose. And his thin lips.
Sometimes, sweat would slide down his cheek. When he felt it, he would rub his cheek against his shoulder and shake his sleeve.
He would unobtrusively look over at me, perhaps because he didn’t want me to see his slightly awkward movements. So each time, I would close my eyes and pretend that I was asleep.
It was such a scene that was engraved into my mind. Every summer, I would remember that wet afternoon, clothes soaked in sweat and skin sticky from the heat.
I had once secretly watched a boy like this too, when I was 18 years old.
My phone suddenly rang. I answered it, and it was Lin Weiqi.
“Jodie, did I disturb you?” he asked.
“No. Did you need something?”
“Ah Miao’s sick.” Lin Weiqi’s voice was very apologetic. “It might be because the sudden change in environment scared him a bit. I also fed him a different brand of food, and he seems to have come down with acute gastroenteritis.”
“Is it serious?” I asked. I’d been raising Ah Miao for nearly two years and he’d never gotten very sick before.
“A bit of vomiting and diarrhea. I gave him some medicine, so it should be okay for now,” Lin Weiqi said. “I thought I should still call and let you know. I’m sorry for not taking better care of Ah Miao. But I’ll make sure he recovers well before you get back.”
I thought for a moment, and then I said, “Virgil, it’s okay. I’m sure that you’ve been taking good care of Ah Miao. If, and I’m saying if, he gets really sick or dies, you don’t have to feel bad. I won’t blame you.”
Lin Weiqi seemed a bit speechless. “Jodie, Ah Miao just has gastroenteritis.”
“Since you called me, that means that the situation is very dire. Isn’t that so?” I asked. “Virgil, you have to do your best to treat him. If Ah Miao dies, tell him something for me: I love him. But you have to use Chinese, since he doesn’t understand English anymore.”
Lin Wieqi started a moment. Then he said, “Jodie, do you have a boyfriend?”
“Eh?”
“If you had a boyfriend, how could he handle your weird temperament?”
“Do you have a girlfriend then?”
“No.”
I said, “Thank goodness. If you did, how could she handle your anger issues?”
Lin Weiqi, “…”
I was a bit unhappy, because Lin Weiqi said that I had a weird temperament.
I admit that I’m not the kind of person to get along with everyone. Even now, I wasn’t that close with any of my colleagues at work. When they went out for dinner or drinks, I rarely participated. Instead, I went home to my little place, hugged Ah Miao, and read.
Of course I would polish off my edges a bit. I didn’t want to be looked upon as a freak. In truth, I’ve always thought that I was a very ordinary female, just a bit socially inept.
A few days later, I attended the high school get together. I hadn’t expected there to so much traffic, and I ended up late.
I pushed open the door to the private room, and everyone inside was very lively. When the people at the table saw me, they all calmed down.
I smiled and said, “What’s wrong, you don’t recognize me?”
They stood up. The young and innocent faces I remembered had changed a bit. I saw Gu Mingxi, and he was wearing a beige shirt with black pants, looking mature and handsome. He was no longer the youth in a white collared shirt that I remembered. Standing together with the fashionable Pang Qian, they looked perfect for each other.
I also saw Xie Yi, still ever the image of a shining prince. At the dinner table, with all these other people around, we didn’t speak much. I just watched as he downed glass after glass of red wine.
In the end, Xie Yi got drunk. I decided to send him home, and also to have a talk with him.
Outside the restaurant, Xie Yi wrapped his arms around a tree and started vomiting. Pang Qian considerately held a bottle of water for him. I turned around and saw Gu Mingxi not far away.
In the midst of the winter wind, he wore a grey coat, giving off a very calm air. When he caught me eye, he smiled slightly.
Taking advantage of Pang Qian standing with Xie Yi, I walked over to Gu Mingxi. The cold wind blew. We were standing right in front of each other, but I didn’t know what to say.
Finally, he was the one to break the silence. He asked, “Are you planning on returning to China after you finish your doctorate?”
I shook my head. “Probably not. For the next ten years or so, I probably won’t come back (to stay).”
He frowned and said, “I heard you and Wu Min talking earlier. Sorry, my English isn’t very good anymore. But I seem to have heard… that you two were talking about prosthetics?”
Regarding this topic, I usually used English to speak to Wu Min about it. I lifted my head and looked him in the eyes, not avoiding his gaze. Calmly, I responded, “Yes, my advisor and I are currently researching the topic of smart prosthetics, upper limbs in particular. Modern lower limb prosthetics have already made great progress, and their compensation for real limbs is very good. However, upper limb prosthetics are still far away from being a replacement for an arm.”
He smiled, not at all unhappy because of this sensitive topic. He said, “That’s how it is. Arms and legs have different purposes, so they’re hard to compare.”
“We’re making great progress in our research.” I explained it to him simply, “In the next few years, we might have a breakthrough. After implanting a chip into the human brain, the user will be able to perceive and control their prosthetic limb. Coupled with the nerves that still remain in their amputated limb, they’ll be able to have fuller control of the prosthetic. In the best case scenario, people will be able to rely on these upper limbs to completely take care of themselves.”
Gu Mingxi laughed. “Like a robot?”
I thought for a moment and then nodded. “That’s right, like a robot.”
Probably because he’d had some alcohol, a mischievous expression slipped onto his face. “When I was younger, I always wanted to have two mechanical arms. When I found out it couldn’t happen, I was depressed for a long time.”
“Nothing’s impossible now.” Curious about it, I said, “Gu Mingxi, if… I’m saying if, you needed some help on this front, you can give me a call.” Hearing my voice, I still couldn’t believe I’d just said those words. I continued, “Your condition is very suitable for electronic prosthetics. At first, you might find it hard to adapt to, but after you practice, you’ll be able to do a lot with the help of the prosthetics.”
He nodded. “I know. I looked into it before. Thank you, Xiao Yujing, but… I don’t plan on getting prosthetics.”
I didn’t ask him why, because I already knew the answer.
For Gu Mingxi, prosthetic arms may be a kind of burden. But I trust that the majority of physically disabled people will need our help. Especially young, poor, and disabled children. I firmly believe that our research can change their fates.
I decided on this path in the winter of 2003. I was studying in Beijing when my dad called and said that Simba had died.
That lion prince that should have been running through the African savannah ended up dying in a zoo.
At the time, I thought of Gu Mingxi. Not that long before I found out about Simba, I was on the phone with him, through the number that Pang Qian had asked Wang Song to send out.
Gu Mingxi sounded very down and out on the phone. I knew that he must have hit some difficulties.
That was the time when I was thinking about studying abroad. Whatever field I continued with, there would be a large gap from other things. I wasn’t studying these things lightly. Whatever path I took, I was planning on continuing down that path professionally and to continue researching it.
Because of Gu Mingxi and because of Simba, I set my path down in stone.
I changed the topic. “Speaking of, Gu Mingxi, I read your book.”
He was taken aback. “They sell it in America too?”
“No, Xie Yi mailed me a copy,” I said. “The artwork was good, but… Miss Antelope seemed to be missing some scenes.”
Seeing Gu Mingxi’s frozen expression, I knew that he didn’t get my joke.
I could only change the topic again. “Did you guys keep that drum?”
Gu Mingxi froze again, and then he nodded. “Yeah, it’s at Pang Qian’s house. She’s keeping it well.”
I laughed and said, “That’s good. Don’t throw it away and don’t gift it to anyone else.”
He squinted at me. “That drum… Is there a story behind it?”
“When you and Pang Qian get married, I’ll tell you,” I said.
