13 TOGETHER WITH XU YI (2/2)
Because I was worried about Zhang Yang, I didn’t sleep that night. The next morning, I wanted to call and ask where he was, if he got back home or not, how his dad was doing. But no one answered the phone. Then I just turned off my phone. That evening, I felt uneasy, so I called again. A girl answered. She asked who I was, and I said I was Zhang Yang’s friend.
She said, “You’re Li Er, right?”
I said, “Yes.”
“I’m Jiang Jiao, Zhang Yang’s girlfriend,” she said. “I know you’re You Ta’s cousin, we’ve met before.”
“Oh,” I said.
“He had a fight with me a few days ago, so he ran off to Lijiang. But everything’s fine now,” Jiang Jiao said. “He’s very tired, he’s sleeping now. I don’t want to wake him up now. Come to Beijing to visit when you have time.”
“Okay,” I said briskly.
When I got back to Shanghai, I went to a shop near the train station and changed my phone card again.
I didn’t have anything to be afraid of, but actually, I was afraid of something. So, changing it wasn’t bad either.
In this world, there’s no such thing as true love. That phrase was still best, living peacefully. That was best.
When I opened the door to the dorm, I realized that everyone was looking at me with strange gazes. I touched my face, then said, “Is something wrong?”
“You… Nothing happened at Lijiang, right?”
“Something happened?”
They looked around at each other, then told me to ask Lin.
I flew to the library. Lin was helping someone check out some books. When she saw me, she ran over from the counter. She hugged me and looked me up and down, “Are you okay? Li Er? You really scared me.”
“What happened?” I asked.
“Xu Yi said you were in a car accident in Lijiang and were critically injured. It wasn’t true?”
My head was booming. After a long time, I finally asked, “How much money did you lend him?”
“7,000,” Lin said. “My entire savings.”
I held onto Lin, my whole body shaking.
I decided to go find Xu Yi. I had to talk things through with him. I sat on the train for a very long time, walked for another long while, until I reached his school. The whole way there, I kept thinking about what I should say to him when I saw him. When faced with someone you once loved deeply, how can you talk about blame? I didn’t have a clue. I saw Xu Yi at the school’s gate. He was standing there waiting for me. The early summer wind blew gently, his hair brushing against his forehead. He really made my heart break.
He looked at me, but didn’t make a move. I walked to him, as if I were in a dream. He reached out to hug me. I pushed him away, but he kept hugging. I told him to get away, but he held on. Tears falling, he said, “Li Er, don’t act like this. I know I’ve done something wrong to you, it really hurts me.”
“What’s wrong with you?” I asked him. “Why are you doing this?”
“My dad’s out of jail. He said he was wronged by someone. He pesters me every day, it’s really annoying. Do you know, Li Er, I miss you. Don’t leave me. I think about you every day.”
My heart went soft again, like a marshmallow that was roasted too long. Once it hits the air, it deflates and disappears.
“When he came out, he didn’t have a job. I’m really tired, really tired.” Xu Yi held me, not letting go. “Li Er, I know that you’re the one who treats me best. I finally understand.”
I pushed him away gently, “Don’t act like this. This is the front of the school. Let’s find somewhere to talk, okay?”
“Okay.” His eyes shined.
We went to a park near the school. Once, we had sat on those stone benches, reading and laughing. But my feelings of the past were long gone. And I knew, they would never come back.
“Why did you lie to Lin?” I got to the point.
“For my dad,” he said. “He came to Shanghai to find me. He wanted to stay in Shanghai to work. His old friends wouldn’t help him, and he had nothing. Then he got into a car accident. His leg was fractures, so he’s in the hospital. We needed a lot of money, and I couldn’t get it. I didn’t have any options…”
“That’s enough!” I didn’t believe anything he said. I cut him off, “The story you’ve come up with could air on TV. Xu Yi, do you know what I can’t stand the most? It’s lies! Lies!”
His face paled, “Am I that kind of person in your heart?”
I grit my teeth, “Yes.”
He suddenly smiled, “That’s fine. Then you won’t get hurt.”
I kept gritting my teeth. “Yes, I won’t.” After I said that, I left the park, not looking back.
The days were like that, passing by, one at a time.
The evening of Christmas, there was a performance at the stadium. Lin brought a bunch of light sticks from somewhere or other, and insisted that we sell them. The snow finally fell started falling, and in just a moment, the everything was covered with it. I held a bunch of colored sticks and stood at the stadium entrance. I saw a huge poster with a very familiar face on it. She wore red clothes, with a bright smile on her face. Her name was printed on the side: Jiang Yaxi.
Jiang Yaxi?
Lin was shouting out loud from my side, “Light sticks, support your idol! Binoculars, see your idols! Light sticks, support your idol! Binoculars, see your idols!” Seeing me staring at the posted with a blank look, she pulled me over, “What’s the matter, Li Er?”
I pointed to the poster, “I think I know her.”
“Jiang Yaxi?” Lin said. “No way. She was a the bar yesterday. Didn’t you say you didn’t know her?”
I said, “I think she’s my schoolmate.”
“No way,” Lin said. “She’s really popular recently. She just released an album, and it’s selling well. I heard she grew up in Hong Kong. How can she be your schoolmate?”
I turned to look at the poster, examining the refined face with makeup. But the snow was getting heavier, and it was blocking my site. Lin held up the things in her hands. The colorful things were flashing attractively in the snow. Lin was feeling pretty happy, waving them, saying, “Look at me, not bad right! Go, go! This Christmas really is lively. Li Er, let’s go in to watch the performance later.”
“We don’t have tickets,” I said.
Lin blinked, “Trust me, I’ve got an idea.”
Lin was really impressive. She made a phone call and said a few things. A quarter of an hour after the concert started, a short man came out from inside and brought us in. And it was even the inner stadium.
When I went in, I saw her. She was dancing and singing on the stage. The audience below were waving their light sticks, screaming out loud.
In all fairness, her singing wasn’t bad.
After the song ended, the stadium settled down. She smiled and said, “Next, I’ll sing a song you all like. It’s also the song that brought me into stardom. It’s different from the song just now. This one’s a very calm and sad song…”
Before she finished speaking, the audience below were already shouting, “‘The Shooting Star When I Was 18!'”
“That’s right,” she said. “‘The Shooting Star When I Was 18.’ I wish all of you happiness. On this white Christmas, I hope that everyone can have a sweet love.”
She called herself Yaxi.
Under the stage, her fan club was holding up boards with her photographs. They started shouting again, “Yaxi, Yaxi, we love you! Yaxi, Yaxi, always number one!”
She smiled brilliantly. With the lights shining on her youthful face, her beauty would really make others envious. Lin grabbed my hand and pulled my towards the stage. “Let’s go look closer, see if she’s really your schoolmate! If she is, we’ll get an autograph!” Without a choice, I followed her. The lights on the stage suddenly went out, and countless shooting stars flew across the background to the stage. She sat on the steps and started to sing.
When I was 18, I saw a shooting star
It whispered to me that, in love, there was no such thing as ‘forever’
The boy I loved was by my side and lightly kissed me
He said he loved me, that it would never change
No one could tell us how far ‘forever’ really was
Don’t know when it was that we stopped believing in the promise of ‘forever’
The years that would be forgotten were carved into our hands
The hopes are gone, the tears won’t fall
The past was hard, but the tomorrow’s not far off
It’s already quiet now, many years have already passed
I remembered the wish I once made on a shooting star
The boy I loved left my side long ago
Before the tears fell, in a beautiful memory of yesterday
No one could tell us how far ‘forever’ really was
Don’t know when it was that we stopped believing in the promise of ‘forever’
The years that would be forgotten were carved into our hands
The hopes are gone, the tears won’t fall
The past was hard, but the tomorrow’s not far off
How should I tell you this?
My love, I’ve never forgotten, I’ve always remembered
The shooting star when I was 18
It kissed my cheek
Under Lin’s guidance, I’d already unknowingly arrived right near the stage. I thought, I saw right. I definitely wasn’t wrong. The girl singing on the stage was indeed from my school. Zhang Yang’s girlfriend. Her name is Jiang Jiao. She was famous in school because her family was wealthy. I figured, every Tian High student would recognize her
It was very hot inside the stadium. Lin had already taken off her jacket. I pulled my jacket closer and buried my head. I told Lin I wasn’t feeling well, that I would leave first. Lin felt my forehead, and said, “Goodness, Li Er, are you having a fever again?”
I forced a smile, “How could that be? I just didn’t sleep well yesterday. You stay here and watch, no need to worry about me.”
Lin didn’t let it go, “No. But I can’t go back with you either. I still have to go return the merchandise we didn’t sell.”
“It’s fine,” I said. “I can go back on my own.”
As I left the stadium, I turned back to look at Jiang Jiao. Oh, no, it should be Jiang Yaxi. She wore a purple dress, with wavy hair, and she looked just like a princess. But I didn’t dare to look at those people near the stage. I was afraid I’d see so and so. There were some thing in the past that didn’t need to be brought back up. Just then, I saw someone charge at the stage to give flowers. He hugged Jiang Jiao. As the crowd screamed, he lightly kissed her on the cheek.
Lin turned around to find me, and I ran off in a hurry.
The one sending the flowers was Xu Yi.
That New Year’s, I returned home.
You Ta came to the train station to pick me up. He wore a yellow jacket, and he looked like a cute bear. He helped me carry my luggage, then said, “Why did you get thinner again?”
“Didn’t want to get fat,” I said snappishly.
“What about Xu Yi?” He looked behind me. “Why didn’t he come back with you? I heard his dad’s out of jail, and he got his position back.”
“We broke up,” I said.
“Really?” he asked, unbelieving.
“We broke up a year ago,” I said.
His expression was strange.
We arrived home and realized Auntie and them were all there. When the door opened, Mom and Dad both jumped in for a hug. I didn’t know who I should hug. I took off my coat. My mom’s eyes were a bit red. Sobbing in front of everyone, she said, “Why have you gotten so skinny? You’re not eating well at school?”
“No matter how much I eat, I won’t get fat,” I explained.
“You didn’t come home for summer break, working all day!” Dad scolded. “Look at you, a girl. Even You Ta missed home more than you!”
“Yes,” Auntie followed. “You should at least call home more often. It’s not like your parents can’t afford to pay the phone bill!”
You Ta had a gloating smile on his face. Everyone’s eyes were focused on me, so I quickly changed the topic. “I’m hungry. Is there any food? I didn’t eat anything at all on the train.”
That evening, I at a lot. But You Ta, who usually eats a lot, ate very little. I hated the way he looked at me with his worry-filled eyes. I really hated it. So after I finished eating, I chatted with Auntie and them. Then I excused myself, saying I was tired, and I went back to my room. Not long after, Mom knocked on my door. She said, “We’re going out for a walk, and we’re going to send your aunt and uncle back.”
“Okay,” I said. “Don’t stay out too long.”
“You’re tired, so wash up and sleep early.”
“Okay,” I said.
I saw You Ta through the door. He’d already put on his ugly yellow jacket. His back was facing me, as he put on his shoes. I shouted over to him, “You Ta, make sure to buy fireworks. Let’s go light them at the square for New Year’s!”
He seemed to only make a vague sound, but I assumed it to be an affirmative. Then they left.
After they all left, the house was really quiet. I sat on the sofa in the living room, looking around. This three-bedroom house represented my entire youth. I remember that we moved in on the day of my 14th birthday. Everyone was really happy. I wore my white dress and sat across by the window. It felt that I suddenly had a new world. I was elated and very satisfied.
Those days, they were already gone. That simple and innocent time was just an image in my memories. Just as I was working really hard to pull myself out of this shameful contemplation, the doorbell rang. I got up to open the door, and there stood You Ta.
I expected this.
“When I was putting on my shoes, I left my phone on the cupboard,” he said.
I silently let him enter.
He retrieved his phone and stared at me, “Li Er, you’re completely different to the way you used to be. Do you know?”
“Really?” I asked. “Maybe.”
“I don’t like seeing you like this,” he stressed.
“No one’s forcing you to look,” I glared. Calmly, I said, “You don’t have to be so angry.”
He hit his phone with a pa! and then slammed it onto the cabinet. He yelled at me, “Look at yourself now. You just broke up, right? Even if Xu Yi owes you, what about everyone else? Your dad? Your mom? What about us, who you always hate and think are overreacting? Li Er, I’m telling you. If you think that pain is something for one person alone, if you think that torturing yourself only involves yourself, then you’re wrong. You’re really, really wrong!”
After You Ta finished yelling at me, he closed the door and left.
His phone flickered on the cabinet. He forgot it again. I walked over and opened the phone. On his screensaver, I saw a smiling face, pretty as a flower. It was from a photograph. The 14 year-old me. That was the me in You Ta’s memories. Me, who didn’t understand the world, who didn’t have secrets. A cute, clear me.
But everything was different now.
You Ta, the fool. We can’t go back.
On New Year’s Eve, I found You Ta at the square. He had a group of little kids I didn’t recognize with him. They were in the midst of setting off fireworks. I walked over to him, and like friends who hadn’t met in a long time, I smiled and greeted him, “Hi.”
“Hi,” he smiled just like a little kid. Then he put a firework into my hands.
“I heard that you’re going abroad after you graduate?”
“That was the plan,” he said.
“Thank you,” I said.
“For what?” He didn’t understand.
“Thank you for worrying about me,” I said.
“You’re my little sister. How can I not worry about you?”
“You Ta,” I said. “Promise me. No matter what, you’ll always be well.”
He looked at me as he said, “I will. What about you?”
I tried really hard to smile, “I will too.”
“First Place gege, First Place gege,” one of the little kids pulled at him. “Come here. We’re waiting for you to light the biggest firework. Hurry! We can’t wait anymore!”
I laughed and signaled for him to go.
You Ta asked, “Li Er, are you coming?”
I shook my head, “I’ll just watch from far away.”
You Ta was pulled away by the kids. I looked at the ground, it was a bunch of fireworks that he’d bought. I picked up some and started walking to the edge of town.
As always, the road was dark and wet. I walked quickly, with purpose in my eyes, as if heading to an appointment I couldn’t miss. I thanked my lightweight running shoes, which made me feel like I was really flying. I held onto my fireworks, acting as the most capricious child in the last hour of the last day of the old year.
I arrived there shortly. That abandoned house, that rooftop that appeared innumerable times in my memories and my dreams. It was like a temptation-filled fortress from a fairy tale, with a golden gleam. I put the fireworks into my pockets and climbed up the familiar path. When I stood on the roof, I was surprised to find that there was a red flickering in front of me, twinkling like a star. I shivered. Then I realized what it was, it was a cigarette! Someone was up here smoking! I stepped back in fright, when a familiar voice floated to my ears, “Little Ear, you’re finally here.”
And then, he stood up. He swiftly walked over to me, and pulled me in for a hug. As if I were under a spell, I couldn’t move.
It was Zhang Yang! It was him!
For a brief moment, I wanted to push him away. But his strong arm made it so I couldn’t move away. I felt the warmth of his embrace. His body was right up against mine. His lips slid over to my left cheek, and then to my ear. “Can you hear me?”
I couldn’t say anything, and could only nod my head.
He said, “Good. Do you know, medical experts have proven that sweet words have to be spoken into the left ear. If you can’t hear, then I’ll take you to get it cured. Even if it takes a lifetime, I must cure you.”
“Zhang Yang…” I called him.
“Don’t move,” he said. “Just be good and listen to what I have to say.”
I shivered. I suspected I knew what he would say. I felt like I was going to faint. This sudden happiness left me unable to resist. And I didn’t want to resist it.
And then, I heard very clearly in my left ear, “I love you, Little Ear.”
“I love you, Little Ear!” He shouted out once again. Then he lifted me up, and the fireworks in my arms dropped. As I screamed, the whole world turned into a giant playground. I saw, not too far away, fireworks lighting up the whole city. Every star was as bright and magical as the sun. And the happiness I was looking for, I knew that it had finally arrived.
Bala, my love, can you see?
Epilogue: A Song
They all said that our love wouldn’t end well
But I never gave up my efforts
When the last cold rain comes in the spring
There are some stories whose traces I had to write down
As for the secrets between us, leave them at the bottom of your heart
We don’t have to let anyone else know
They say that the words you hear in your left ear are all sweet words
The left ear’s love is lost in the wind
Who will take pity?
You have to believe that I won’t leave, that I’m always here
Listen with your left ear, listen to the love that’s disappeared
The left ear hears, it hears this immortal legend
The left ear hears, it hears
And you haven’t left, you’re still here
You’ve never left, you’ve always been here
To protect all that’s passed
