ch 5 Straight to the Point
“My house is big, and my parents don’t come out of their room at night. Stay around my house, and I’ll go inside first. When it’s safe, I’ll send you a text and open the door for you. And in the morning, you can leave early. They won’t know at all.”

“Then where would I sleep?” I asked, straight to the point.

“Sleep…” He thought for a moment before saying, “You can sleep wherever you want.”

“Deal,” I said.

That day, 80% of my brain was bad. I had this impulse to do something bad, and I couldn’t stop myself. I thought of Xu Yi’s parents, and said to myself loftily – Li Bala, you really are something. You know you’re walking into a tiger’s den, but you don’t care.

Xu Yi brought me home. When we were almost at the door, he motioned for me to wait as he went inside.

His home was on the fourth floor. I waited between the third and fourth floors, lifting my leg up to the railing, and then I pulled out my 555 (smoke). It was the last cigarette in the box, so I crumpled the box and tossed it down. Then I suddenly wondered if Xu Yi, this good kid, would have any smokes. If not, it would be a very long night here.

Just as I was thinking about it, my phone rang. I turned the ringer on my phone off, and the screen kept flashing the words “Zhang Yang.”

I answered the phone, a bit fl.u.s.tered.

“Where are you?” he asked.

I bit down on my smoke and said, “I’m at Xu Yi’s, waiting for his parents to sleep. Then I’ll slip inside and spend the night with him.”

“You dare?!” he said.

“I guess so,” I responded.

“Come to the old place, I’ll be waiting.” When Zhang Yang was done speaking, he hung up.

I was glad I didn’t wear my pointed shoes that day. I put away my phone and ran down from Xu Yi’s place. I ran the 100 meters or so to that small street – that familiar, muddy path. Thinking of my darling waiting there for me, I felt like a light dove, the wind whistling beneath my wings.

He was really there.

I slowed my steps, calmed my breathing, and slowly walked closer to him.

I was worried that it was just a dream.

“Hi.” He was leaning against the wall, wearing his cap again.

“Hi.” I extended my hand and waved through the air, looking like a major fool.

He hooked his fingers to mine, and I was like a child shooting marbles (?). In an instant, I was in his arms. As I held him onto him, I thought I wouldn’t ever want to let go. Even if the heavens split and the earth sinks, I wouldn’t.

“Bala,” Zhang Yang spoke into my ear. “I think I’ve actually fallen a bit in love with you.”

I closed my eyes, not responding.

In my heart, I proudly thought, “Of course, of course.”

“I want to talk to you,” Zhang Yang said. “I’m just afraid there isn’t a place.”

“Come with me!” I broke free from his arms, and pulled him along as I ran. After a while, he stopped and asked me, “Hey, where are you taking me to?”

“Shh!” I turned around, raising a finger to his lips, motioning for him to be quiet. He grabbed onto my waist and started kissing me forcefully.

“Bala, Bala…” he said. “I love you. I can’t let you be together with anyone else. I can’t!”

“Okay, okay,” I said, as if coaxing a small child. I patted his back, saying, “I won’t be together with anyone else. I promise.”

“Okay.” He lifted his head and asked, “Where do you want to go?”

“Let’s go, I’ll take you somewhere.” I grabbed his hand and kept running forward. After we’d gone half way, he let go, and then grabbed my hand in his. He smiled playfully and said, “I’m more used to it like this.”

“Are you usually the one who holds a girl’s hand first?”

“No, I’m never the one to initiate.” He laughed again.

Under the winter moon, I couldn’t stop watching his expression. I couldn’t calm my excited emotions. And like that, we held hands, heading toward the outskirts of town, to the abandoned house I often went to.

First, I climbed the roof with a sense of familiarity, and Zhang Yang followed behind. He asked me, with a sense of strangeness, “How did you find this place? I never knew there was such a place.”

“This place used to be a labor workshop. But they stopped making things, so the place has been left empty. There’s nothing at all inside. When I’m not feeling good, I like to run over here, and sit on the roof by myself.”

“Then, what about now? You’re not feeling good?” Zhang Yang asked me, as he pushed away the hair in my face.”

I stopped him and cleaned up my messy hair, tying it up.

Seeing how he stared at me as I tied my hair up with a rubber band, I hit him with and asked, “What are you looking at!”

He smiled and then sat down on the roof, looking off into the distance.

I took out my silenced phone and saw that I had ten missed calls. All from Xu Yi. There was a text as well. “Where did you go? I want to see you right now. Come over, okay?”

I didn’t care and just turned off the phone. Sitting next to Zhang Yang, I asked, “What do you want to talk about?”

“Do you think that I’m a very bad person?” He cut right to the chase.

“A bit,” I said. “Almost as bad as me.”

“I don’t think you’re bad,” he said. “I never would have thought that it would be your first time today.”

“Oh,” I said. “It’s better not to talk about that, don’t make it awkward.”

“Do you regret it?” he asked.

“Of course not,” I said with a laugh.

“Why?” He turned to ask me, his eyes burning brightly.

I answered, “I love you, Zhang Yang. You lured me in, and from the first moment I saw you, I fell in love with you.”

“You’re not at all ordinary,” he said. “You should know, at the start, I just wanted to use you.”

“I was willing to be used.”

“This might bring you trouble.”

“Even if it causes my death, since it was trouble you brought, I would still enter the underworld with a smile.”

“Bala, there’s a lot I want to say to you. You’re the first girl who’s made me want to pour (my heart) out.”

“Then talk.” I moved closer to him, and I could feel the warmth from his body. I reached my finger out to his face, swimming back and forth. He pulled my hand down, placing it over his chest, and I could feel his heart beating. Ba-dump, ba-dump, beating steadily, beating for me. I couldn’t be any more happy, when I heard Zhang Yang say, “Actually, ever since I was born, I wasn’t a happy child.”

“Why?” I asked softly.

“When I was two years old, my mother left me and my father, to run off and get married to some other man.”

“So what?” As if trying to comfort him, I said, “My parents both left me and went abroad.”

“I wish she had gone abroad, to somewhere I couldn’t see or feel. But, you know what? She stayed here, and gave her love away to someone else. She could hate my father, but I couldn’t understand how she could hate the child who she gave birth to. What do you think, can there be such a mother in the world?”

I suddenly recalled, “Oh yeah, when I called earlier, it was your father who picked up.”

Zhang Yang said, “Should have been. He doesn’t care about my matters.”

“Your mom, where exactly did she go?”

Zhang Yang sat still and pulled me closed. He said to me, “Listen closely. My mother is now Xu Yi’s mother. Xu Yi and I were about the same age. My mother thought my father was too poor, so she fell in love with Xu Yi’s father. Then she just left us to marry him.”

So that was it!

I asked, “Then what about Xu Yi’s mom?”

Zheng Yang said coldly, “Xu Yi’s father is sc.u.m. That poor woman, I heard she took some money and returned to the countryside.”

“So… Your mom became Xu Yi’s mom?”

“Seems unthinkable, right?” Zhang Yang said. “I never would have thought that there could be a mother like that. I’ve gone to the same school as Xu Yi since elementary school. She would come for parent-teacher meetings for Xu Yi, and when she saw me, she couldn’t even bother to give me a glance. And Xu Yi was always that kid, always first in everything. I couldn’t stand it. Every day, I would wonder, if he couldn’t move again… I admit, I was very contemptible.”

I felt Zhang Yang’s tears, a warmth flowing down the back of my hand, in the cold winter night.

“That’s enough (don’t keep talking).” I lifted my face and moved closer to him. He held onto me tightly, his head moving over my chest, and he let out a suppressed whimper.

I felt a pain, as if my heart were being torn apart.

This lonely child. I promised I would never let him cry another tear.

Never ever.

Never.

I arrived home at 3 in the morning.

I thought I was going to have a big fight with the old lady. For example, maybe she locked the door, and no matter how much I knocked, she wouldn’t open it. And maybe she would also close my window, so I wouldn’t be able to get inside that way either. Then maybe I would screech at the door, or use the garbage can to charge at it. I was too excited, so I didn’t want to sleep. I wanted to cause a little trouble.

But that’s not what happened at all. I put my key in the door and easily opened it.

I went into my room and lied on my bed, fully clothed I didn’t bathe. I couldn’t bear to. I wanted my body to retain the scent of the person I loved, the scent of the evening, the scent of the Double Happiness (cigarettes) that we smoked, and also…the scent of love.

I tried to sleep for half a day, but I still couldn’t fall asleep. So I sat up. With a ballpoint pen, I wrote on a piece of paper, “I’ll definitely make him happy.”

I brought the pen to my mouth, as if it were a cigarette, and looked at my un-pretty handwriting with satisfaction.

This was an oath I made to myself. I would do all I could to carry it out. So at 3 in the morning, I texted Xu Yi, “Forget me.”

After I sent it, I threw my phone to the side and fell asleep.

At 6 in the morning, strangely, I woke up. I checked my phone as usual. There was a message from Xu Yi, “I will always love you, Bala.”

Always? (t/n: Always, in this case, literally would translate to “for this lifetime.”)

Then he should just treat me as if I were dead.

Soon enough, the whole city knew about Xu Yi and I breaking up.

One day, Xu Yi showed up to Forget It Bar and ordered ten bottles of beer. He sat here, drinking slowly. He didn’t say that he wanted to find me, but everyone knew that he was using this method to force me out (to see him).

It had been several days since I’d sent him the text message, and since then, I hadn’t bothered with him. I wanted him to realize it quickly. This was a plot. The sooner he ended his misery, the less guilt I would feel.

I’d actually always been a bright, good girl.

But he wasn’t able to understand my good intentions. I heard that that night, he’d gotten really drunk, and his parents had to come to drag him away. He wasn’t willing to go though. He broke all the beer bottles, cried out my name loudly, and grabbed onto the bar doors, refusing to let go.

I spent that entire night with Zhang Yang, and I didn’t know about what happened at the bar. I turned off my phone, locked my door, and turned off the lights. In the darkness, we explored each other, and I felt like a volcano erupting before being extinguished. From hope to despair, and despair to rebirth, again and again, tirelessly.

After he left, I sat alone in the dark. The moonlight was coldly shining on my red-patterned dress. Then I had a thought. I would have Zhang Yang’s child.

With this thought having emerged, I could no longer get rid of it. I spent a lot of time considering the price I would have to pay. Dropping out from school, being cast aside by thousands of people, becoming the topic of a tabloid, or becoming the antagonist of a TV station… But actually, all of those thoughts were in vain, because this was something I was very clear about. I was a very committed person, and for this idea, I would give up everything.

That’s when my mom called. She said she’d already taken care of the formalities. She was taking me away.

I held onto my phone for a long time. This was something I had once looked forward to so much. When they had just left, I had cried into my pillow all night long. At the time, I was very fragile and sensitive, dependent on someone for everything. But now, it was all different. I wasn’t the Bala from back then anymore.

I was me, and no one could change that.

“Not going,” I said.

On the other end, there came a sigh. “Mom and Dad will work hard to make up for all these years.”

“You should give up on this, it’s not going to happen.”

I quickly realized where I was wrong.

I went to the drugstore and bought a piece of blue paper. It reportedly could tell the result. I hid in the bathroom and watched as a red line slowly appeared on the blue sheet. A little smile appeared on my face.

I sent a text to Zhang Yang, telling him that my heart hurt from how much I missed him. Forgive me for such language, but it was really how I felt. After I sent the text, I returned home. The old lady had called over a bunch of people to play mahjong at my house again. I walked around the living room to my bedroom, and no one payed me any attention.

When I got to my room, I closed the door, and dropped onto my bed. I fell asleep very quickly.

I was a bit hazy when I heard a knocking sound. I opened my eyes and saw him there, wearing his handsome cap. But he wasn’t at the door, he was knocking on the window.

I jumped out from bed and opened the window to let him in.

He gave a few breaths, “It’s really cold. I was standing there knocking for ages before you woke up.”

“Sorry,” I said. “I fell asleep.”

“Sleeping in the middle of the day, I salute you,” he said.

“Of course I have to sleep.” I pat my stomach and said, “Now I have to take good care of myself.”

He looked at me a bit nervously. He really was such a smart kid.

I sat down on my bed and pat the spot beside me, “Come, sit down.”

Zhang Yang pointed outside.

I said, “Don’t worry, as long as the sky doesn’t fall down, the people outside won’t pay any attention.”

Zhang Yang sat down next to me and held me, “You know, when I got your text, I lied to the teacher to get out of cla.s.s. I couldn’t let you feel sad, isn’t that right?”

When he said that, I felt a pang to my heart. It was the kind of pain that came from happiness, and it was harder to bear than real pain.

“When you finish school, we can spend all the days together,” I said.

He thought for a moment, “I have to get into Tsinghua (University), Bala. Will you come to Beijing with me? I really like Beijing.”

“Okay,” I said. “I’ll go with you. You can study, and I’ll wait for you with our son.”

He said, “Don’t say nonsense.”

I pat my stomach, “I want to give birth to him.”

His face turned green in a moment.

“It’s fine,” I said. “I’ll definitely raise him well and let him have a good life.”

He turned my face and looked into my eyes, “This bad kid who likes to lie. Watch how I’ll take care of you!”

He started tickling me, and I laughed, trying to hide. I didn’t dare be too loud, lest the people outside the room would hear me. Zhang Yang grinned, his plot having succeeded. It was at that moment that I suddenly felt a pain in my stomach. I pushed him away and walked quickly to the bathroom. Then I vomited.

When I finished vomiting, I turned around to see Zhang Yang standing at the door.

He was wearing his cap again. And with a tone that scared me, he asked, “Is it really true?”

I rinsed my mouth with water from a gla.s.s.

He said, “I asked you, is it really true?”

I spit out the water from my mouth, and said clearly, “Yes.”

He came over, pinched my chin and said, “Get rid of him.”

“Dearest,” I held onto him. “Let me give birth to your son. Don’t worry, I am capable of raising him.”

He pushed me away, and pointed at me with his finger. “I’m only going to tell you once more. Get rid of him. Remember, I don’t want to say it again!”

“Okay,” I said, lowering my head.

“Good.” He reached out his hand and stroked my hair. Then shortly said, “I’m going back to cla.s.s. We’ll text each other.”

“Zhang Yang!” I reached out to grab him. “When can I see you again?”

“We’ll meet when it’s time to meet. Take this money, it’s all I have. If it’s not enough, you figure it out. If you need to borrow it, I’ll pay you back when I get next month’s pocket money.” When he finished speaking, he pulled out all the money in his pockets and dropped it on my bed. He turned away coldly, went out the window, and disappeared.

I feebly walked to the bed and sat down.

There was 333 dollars in total.

A very ominous number. (t/n: The word for three, 三 (sān), sounds like the word for scatter / parting / leaving, 散 (sàn).)