ch 9 It's My Own Choice
She put out her cigarette and returned to the bed. She came over to me, and I felt how ice-cold her body was. Unable to stop myself, I held her closely.

“c.o.c.kroach, it’s my own choice. I know I won’t ever be able to beat her, but that’s okay. She’s already gone. I’m willing to fight against a spirit until the end. It’s my own choice. No matter how hard it is or how much it hurts, I’ll persevere until the end.”

“Enough nonsense!” I told her.

“Okay, I won’t say it.”

I kissed her cheek, and she reached out and hugged me. The old, wooden bed started creaking again. I patted her back, “Sleep. Don’t smoke anymore. If you smoke too much, your teeth will turn yellow and your skin will get old. How ugly would that be.”

“c.o.c.kroach, am I pretty?”

“Pretty.”

“Am I gentle?”

“Gentle.”

“Then, do you love me?”

“…I love.”

“I’ll love you for the rest of my life.”

“Oh.”

…

She finally fell asleep. But I couldn’t get to sleep, no matter what I tried. I climbed off the bed and sat by the window. Jiang Jiao had just been sitting there. I picked up the cigarette box, and realized Jiang Jiao had smoked all of my cigarettes. I threw the empty box out the window. It was very dark outside, but I didn’t see a shooting star like Jiang Jiao mentioned. From the window, I saw the screen of my phone flashing, like I had unread messages. It was a number I didn’t recognize, and there was only one word, “Goodnight.”

I think I knew who it was.

Li. Er.

But I knew that I wouldn’t go to seek her out.

I just wanted to go. To leave.

Jiang Jiao was right. Leave this place, and everything would be better.

At the train station, I saw Li Er again.

They were there as a big family, to send You Ta off.

You Ta saw us and was very happy, “We’re on the same bus, that’s great. I thought I wouldn’t know anyone and the whole trip would be very lonely.”

Jiang Jiao said glibly, “To be on the same path as the first-rank is our pleasure.”

Someone at the side quipped up. It should have been her mother. She said, “Li Er, you must work hard. Next year, it’ll be your turn.”

She had on her small face, not responding. She didn’t look at me either, as if we’d never met before.

You Ta was in the same train car as us. We put our luggage to the side. Jiang Jiao asked You Ta, “That girl just then, was she your girlfriend?”

“No,” he said. “She’s my cousin. She’s in Year 2 at our school.”

“Year 2?” Jiang Jiao asked with surprise. “She looks very young, like a middle school student.” When she finished, she nudged me. “c.o.c.kroach, don’t you think so? Doesn’t she look very young?”

“Who?” I asked, feigning ignorance.

You Ta said, “We’re talking about Li Er. Didn’t you see her last time?”

“Oh,” I said.

Then I turned my head and slept. When I woke up, I saw that my phone had a message. “Hope your journey is smooth.” I checked my watch and saw that it was 10 at night. The train was chugging along, and Jiang Jiao and You Ta were both asleep. I went to the exit for the train car and had a smoke. Then I took out my phone and dialed that number.

She picked up quickly. Her voice was low, probably afraid her family would overhear.

“I’m Zhang Yang,” I said.

“I know,” she said.

“When I get to Beijing, I’ll probably change my number. Should I send my new number to this (your) phone?”

“Yeah,” she said. “I took You Ta’s old phone to use, but I don’t often check it. Today was an exception.”

“Why is it an exception?”

“Because I was waiting for your call,” she said.

“Wow, how did you know I was going to call?”

“I’m not telling you,” she said again!

“Make sure to study well.”

“I will,” she said. “Next year, I’ll go to Beijing for university.”

“Okay,” I said.

“Maybe I’ll write to you, maybe not.”

“Whatever you want.”

“Then… Bye.”

“Bye.”

I hung up the phone, and saw Jiang Jiao standing beside me. With a cold face, she said, “You’re sneaking around. Who did you call?”

“My dad,” I said.

“He didn’t even come to send you off,” Jiang Jiao curled her lips.

I didn’t say anything, so she said, “I’ve never seen a father like that.”

“You f.u.c.king shut up!” I yelled at her.

She didn’t say anything. The train was getting more rickety, and suddenly Jiang Jiao lost her balance. I caught her and she ended up in my arms. She giggled, and then said loudly, “I’m really happy, we’ve finally left! Yay…”

For a moment, I really thought I’d forgotten the past.

When I first arrived to Beijing, my life followed a very regular pattern. I went to cla.s.s in the daytime, and tutored two junior high students at night. On the weekends, I went with Jiang Jiao to her house in Beijing and we watched DVDs. No one cooked for us, so we went to the supermarket to get some instant food, and ate until our stomachs didn’t feel anymore.

Jiang Jiao started freely smoking in front of me, it was a fancy foreign brand. I wasn’t used to it, so I just kept smoking my Double Happiness. Cheap and true. We usually saw each other once a week. We smoked and watched movies. Then at 3 or 4 in the morning, we’d go to sleep. We’d wake up at 12 noon the next day, and then continue smoking and watching movies.

Jiang Jiao liked watching Korean dramas, but since I didn’t like them, she also watched crime films. I wasn’t picky about them – American, Hong Kong, Taiwanese, Mainland. As long as they had shootouts. Jiang Jiao said, “At the weekend, I went to the movie store and bought a whole bunch. The store owner thought I was buying them to start a business, to rent them to other students.”

“Then rent them out,” I said, as I ate a bowl of instant noodles. “Why not earn money if you can?”

Jiang Jiao glared at me, “I can’t become that person!”

Right, a rich daughter. Whatever.

Jiang Jiao climbed onto my shoulder, “c.o.c.kroach, studying is really pointless. I want to drop out.”

“Then what do you think is meaningful?”

“I want to go sing.”

That gave me a scare, “Who gave you that bad idea?”

“Someone mentioned it to my dad, said my image and singing weren’t too bad.”

“It’s your dad’s money that’s not bad!”

“Don’t be disappointed!” She pushed me away and jumped in front of me. She put her hand to her waist and struck a pose, saying, “Look at me. Don’t I look like a celebrity?”

“Sure,” I said.

“Then when I become a celebrity, you can be my manger!”

“No.”

“Fine, if you don’t want to, then don’t. You can be my boss!” Jiang Jiao climbed back over to me. “c.o.c.kroach, let me tell you. There are guys pursuing me at school. In one day, I get ten short messages. It’s so annoying.”

“Let them send it to my phone, I’ll take the annoyance for you.”

“Hahaha!” Jiang Jiao laughed. “Be honest, how many girls are pursuing you?”

“I’ve never counted,” I said.

“Ooh, ooh, you can never have a change of heart.”

“Even if it wanted to change, there’s no s.p.a.ce.”

“Then what have you been busy with?”

“With you,” I said.

“Oh, you’re so bad!” She fell into my arms. What happened next was just a matter of time. In the critical moment, Jiang Jiao pulled out a condom and said, “Dearest, you forgot this.”

I pulled the condom from her hands and tossed it to the side.

“No, no.” She was a bit afraid, strongly disagreeing.

I rolled off from her onto the ground. Lying there, I also didn’t know what was the matter with me.

After awhile, Jiang Jiao came over and climbed onto my body. She said, lightly, “Okay, c.o.c.kroach. As long as you’re happy, I’ll agree.”

I pushed her away, and got up. “I’m hungry, let’s go out to eat. If we eat any more instant noodles, I’m going to vomit.”

She sat up on the floor, in a bit of a daze. Then she put on her clothes and followed me out.

That evening, we had dinner at a restaurant near Jiang Jiao’s house. We ate a lot, until we were full and comfortable. We each had a gla.s.s of beer too, our cups clinking here and there. We looked just like a close, loving couple. But I knew we weren’t like others. Of course, the problem wasn’t with Jiang Jiao. It was with me.

“c.o.c.kroach, you’re a bad guy.” Jiang Jiao downed the rest of her beer, and with a red face, she said, “See how I take care of you tonight.”

But in the end, nothing happened between us that night. The problem was with me again. No matter what, I couldn’t. Jiang Jiao comforted me, “It’s okay, I’ve heard of some medicine for it.”

“What are you saying?!” I yelled at her.

“Hehe, I know you’re too tired.” She said, in a good mood, “Let’s sleep.”

That’s when my phone sounded. A text. I took my phone from Jiang Jiao’s side of the bed and looked at the message. “Is Beijing cold? Take care of yourself.”

There was no name.

Jiang Jiao tilted her head to me, “Who’s so concerned about you?”

I thought for a moment, “I don’t know.”

“New girlfriend?”

“What’s the matter with you? Aren’t you my girlfriend?”

Jiang Jiao jumped up from the bed, pointing at me. “Zhang Yang, I want to hear the truth! When you first liked Bala, you hid it from me, right? Don’t think that I don’t know anything. I know very clearly in my heart. You had another woman, you didn’t love me. I just don’t understand. If you didn’t love me, then you didn’t love me. Why did you have to lie about it?!”

“Don’t make a fuss,” I said. “Just sleep, okay?”

“No, I want to make a fuss. I just do. If you don’t explain yourself, I’ll keep this up for three more days! Tell me, who is she?”

“Are you f.u.c.king done?”

“Not done!” Jiang Jiao pulled her nightdress over my head. “I know she must be a wh.o.r.e. I know, you f.u.c.king love wh.o.r.es!”

I reached out and slapped her. I don’t hit women, but a lunatic must be hit. Then I put on my clothes. Jiang Jiao was really on fire. She jumped on the bed again and grabbed onto me, “Forget it, I won’t bother you anymore. Let’s sleep.”

You want to sleep, then sleep.

I turned over and slept.

But my phone sounded again with a text. It was the same person who didn’t leave their name. This time, it was a question. “There are some things and some people… Just because you want to forget them, do you really just forget?”

Jiang Jiao opened her eyes, and forced herself from looking at my phone. With her slightly swollen face, she looked at me.

I deleted the text.

I knew, it was Li Er.

She knew my new phone number.

I didn’t respond, because I didn’t know what to say. With G.o.d as my witness, I really want to forget. But G.o.d must also know, I can’t forget.

As December came, I’d already grown accustomed to the weather in Beijing.

I went online sometimes, but my inbox was always empty. But once, I received a letter from Li Er. Simple greetings. I wrote back, the same things I always said. I old her to study well. She didn’t respond in a long time. It must have been because she was busy with Year 3 activities.

What I didn’t expect was that I’d see Blackie again.

One day, I went to an office building to find work. There was an internet company looking to hire, and I wanted to test my luck. It was an impressive looking building. When I got to the lobby, I saw him. He was wearing a security uniform. White gloves, and looking like he was pretending to be something he wasn’t. He was directing someone to stop. I pulled my cap down and walked past him.

The people at the internet company were very polite. The short man who greeted me said that they’d already found someone yesterday, and that I should be faster next time.

“Okay, next time, I’ll definitely take a rocket here,” I said.

The man cheerfully said a farewell. I was on the elevator, going down. When I pa.s.sed the exit, I was grabbed by someone.

“Kid,” he said. “I’ve been waiting for you in Beijing. You even came right to the door.”

“What do you want to do?” I said. “If it’s a fight, I’m not afraid of you.”

“Not a fight,” Blackie said. “Fighting is what a crude person does. I want to invite you for a drink. You dare to go?”

I asked him, “Who’s buying?”

He said arrogantly, “Me, of course.”

“Right now?” I asked him.

“Of course not. I don’t get off work until 6:30. We’ll meet at Sanlitun (an area in Beijing) at 10.”

“Okay.” I waved goodbye and left. He yelled after me, “Make sure you show! If you don’t come, I’ll think it was because you were too scared!”

Ah, we don’t know who’ll be scared.

At 10, I finished with my tutoring. I arrived to Sanlitun right on time. Blackie was already waiting there. He’d already changed out of his uniform. He was still bald, wearing a black, leather jacket and pants. Black gloves and black gla.s.ses. It was like he was trying to look like Batman.

“I didn’t think you’d show. I was right before when I said that at least Tian High had a man in you.”

I said coldly, “I don’t like to owe people. If you think I owe you something, let’s clear our accounts tonight.”

“You don’t own me anything. You owe her, but you’ll never be able to repay it. So, I’d like to get some justice in her stead.”

“Okay,” I said. “How do I repay it?”

“Drink 20 bottles of beer, and don’t vomit. Then this account is settled.”

“That simple?” I said.

“Simple or not, we’ll see after you’re done drinking.”

“Alright,” I said. “Where are we going?”

“Follow me,” Blackie said.

He walked in front of me, with an air of importance. He took me to a bar, turned and said, “Enter.”

I went inside. It wasn’t very big, and there weren’t really many people. Blackie asked me, “So? Do you think this place looks familiar?”

I didn’t think so.

“Don’t you think this place looks like Forget It Bar?”

His brain must have been fried.

We found a place to sit. Blackie quickly brought over 20 bottles of beer and placed them in front of me. The singer on the stage started to sing. It was a girl, with long hair, but I couldn’t see her face clearly. She sang, “I am your Chanel, and you are my model…”

“Do you notice? That singer, she has on green eye shadow.” Blackie said as he opened a bottle. “Drink! I want to see you drunk!”

He had gloves on as he tried to open the bottle. It wasn’t very convenient, but he didn’t seem to want to take them off.”

“Let me,” I said.

In the end, I didn’t get drunk that night. Blackie poured all the alcohol that I was supposed to drink into his own stomach. He sat there, his eyes rolling, and said, “When I have money, I come here. I don’t have friends in Beijing. Zhang Yang, let me tell you a truth. When I saw you today, I was actually very happy. I felt that I didn’t hate you so much.”

“Then why didn’t you ever go back?”

Blackie smiled, and slowly pulled off his glove in front of me. Both hands were missing a little finger. It was an astonishing sight.

“Who did it?” I asked, trying to keep my voice calm.

“You need to ask?” Blackie said. “They told me never to come back. If I dared, they’d kill me.”

“Jiang Jiao’s father?”

“I don’t know,” Blackie said. “The guy I offended was too powerful. I didn’t dare to check.”

A heavy block fell on my heart, and it felt as if I couldn’t breathe.

“You have a cigarette?” Blackie asked me.

I pulled out my Double Happiness to give to me, and even lit it for him. His mouth and hand trembled.

“I miss home,” Blackie said, with red eyes. “I have no friends in Beijing. I live in a bas.e.m.e.nt. When I have money, I drink. Sometimes I don’t have enough to eat. I really miss my mom.”

“Then go home,” I said. “Don’t worry, no one will dare do anything to you!”

“Maybe. But you don’t know what I’m actually scared of. There’s another reason I’m afraid to go back.”

“I want to ask you something.”

“Ask.”

“When she died, were you there? Did she say anything?”

“I wasn’t there.” Blackie pulled another bottle to his lips. “She left her final words for a girl. You should go ask her.”

“Really?” I asked. “Was she called Li Er?”

“Li Er?” Blackie thought for a moment. “Maybe. She called her Littler Ear, Little Ear…”

“Oh,” I said.

“Actually, whether I’m dead or alive, it makes no difference.” Blackie was really drunk, his speech was becoming incoherent. “Zhang Yang, I know why Bala liked you. She was born a n.o.ble, a different station to me. She would never be mine, but I was willing to protect her for the rest of my life. I didn’t do a good job, I let her die. I stole your phone, I told her some nonsense stuff. I am guilty, the same as you. We both cannot be forgiven. I regret it, I regret it!”

As he spoke, with his four-fingered hand, he pounded the table. Again, and again, and again.

The singer on the stage was still singing, “Whose angel am I? Whose model are you? My love, let us be together. Let us choose, you’ll be happy, I’ll be happy. You’re a model, I’m Chanel, Chanel, Chanel…”

Blackie was dead drunk. He hummed along, his tone was off, his eyes were wild.

I slapped his face, “Bro, are you okay?”

He mumbled, “I’m fine. I just want to sleep.”

I payed the bill, and stuffed 200 dollars in Blackie’s pocket.

Then I left the bar and walked out into the vice of Sanlitun.

The new year was soon approaching, and the atmosphere was very lively everywhere.

Several girls invited me out for Christmas, but I flatly rejected.

There’s a phrase, something like “The hears is as peaceful as still water.”

Chinese sayings are quite profound, and they really left you impressed.

That day, after her calls didn’t go through for a long time, Jiang Jiao came to my school. From her school to mine, you had to cross half the city. She was dressed up like a cloth doll, with a thin jacket, gloves and a scarf. She had on outrageous boots and a backpack with cartoon images, catching the attention of those pa.s.sing by. She breathed out, stomped her feet, and acting cute, said, “c.o.c.kroach, where have you been these days?”

We were standing on the sidewalk, light rain falling, as the school speaker blared behind us.

“My phone stopped working. I’ve been looking for a new job,” I shouted out. “I won’t have time on the weekends anymore!”

“I’m here to pick you up. Come with me to a Christmas party!” She was also screaming. “If you don’t go, I’ll die for you to see!”

I pulled her to a secluded area, and the loudspeaker wasn’t as loud. Jiang Jiao finally straightened her hair, and it looked much better. I touched her hair, “I really can’t. I have to go to the restaurant soon.”

“What are you doing at the restaurant?” she asked, eyes wide.

“Waiter,” I said. “They needed someone who spoke English and was handsome, and I can do that.”

“But that won’t do for me!” she said. “I want you to come with me!”

“I want to go with you too, but I don’t have time.”

“Let me show you something,” Jiang Jiao said. She took off her colorful backpack, opened a pocket, and showed me. I took a look and had a scare. I hurried to close the bag and said, “What are you doing?”

“My dad came to Beijing. He gave it to me,” Jiang Jiao said.

“The rich really are the rich,” I said.

“Don’t be like this. We have so much money, you don’t have to work so hard,” Jiang Jiao said. “Having some extra time to play isn’t bad, right?”

“That’s your dad’s money,” I said ruthlessly.

“There’s no difference with my dad or your dad,” Jiang Jiao muttered unhappily. “It’s not like you’ve never used his money before.”

“I’ll return it,” my face darkened.

“That’s not what I mean. I misspoke, okay?” It was the usual words again.

“Okay,” I said. “Go have fun. Be careful carrying around that much money though.”

“I came so far,” her eyes were getting red. “I came so I could see you and have a happy Christmas. Why are you treating me like this?

“This is how I am. It’s not like you don’t know that.”

“If that’s the case,” Jiang Jiao lifted her head up, eyes staring at me. She spit out the words, “Zhang Yang, let’s break up.”

“Fine!” I said.

Jiang Jiao was silent a moment. She didn’t act out as I expected. She picked up her bag, and stood on the green gra.s.s for awhile. Then, without looking at me, she turned and left.

At that moment, I felt an impulse to go after her and grab on. But I controlled myself.

I knew I owed her. I would pay her back, but this wasn’t the right time.

The restaurant I went to was very high-cla.s.s. Working there for one evening was like tutoring for a week. The people who went there were all upper cla.s.s folks. I liked seeing them. Although I was only a waiter, I felt a certain understanding. Because I’d be watching people eat the whole time I worked, I went to the cafeteria to eat before going to work.

When I finished eating my noodles, I found a large group of people gathering on the field. People were running around spreading the news. There was someone who wanted to commit suicide at the graduate building.

The graduate building was the first building to the left of the field. You could go up to the rooftop. Last time, a boy had tried to commit suicide there. He had depression. But I heard that he didn’t jump, because the police pulled him back. I still remember that day. Jiang Jiao happened to be there as well. We were pa.s.sing by, and she had to see what it was about, so I was pulled into the crowd.

Later, she scolded me for not having humanity. “Someone was going to get rid of their life, couldn’t you be a little concerned?”

“You’re the one who has to live your life,” I said.

“What if one day I’m the one standing up there?” she asked me.

“Then I’ll catch you below,” I said.

“What if you don’t catch me?”

“Then I’ll have three minutes of silence for you.”

Then she scolded me for not having humanity.

I didn’t realize that after two short months, there would be another show to see. I walked through the field toward the school exit, but I saw more and more people running to the graduate building. Someone cried out, “A beautiful girl is throwing away money. Hurry and collect some! Your loss if you don’t!”

My heart skipped a beat.

Then I also turned around and started running.

The person standing on the roof was really Jiang Jiao. The first thing I saw was her scarf, red, like a flag flying on rooftop. She held her colorful backpack with one hand, and with the other, she was tossing handfuls of money down. Some people were grabbing the money, some were screaming, some were trying to keep order. It truly was a sight to behold.

I pa.s.sed by the crowd and ran up the stairs.

There were already people on the rooftop, but they were afraid of provoking Jiang Jiao, so they didn’t dare get closer.

“Jiang Jiao!” I shouted out, pushing the others aside. “Get over here!”

Jiang Jiao turned around to look at me, but she ignored me. Instead, she shouted happily down at the crowd, “Happy new year!” Then she threw more money down.

Screams swallowed the whole campus!

I walked towards her.

She turned around and snapped, “If you come any closer, I’m jumping.”

“I’ll jump with you.” I didn’t slow my steps, but instead said, “I just happen to want to jump as well.”

“I said, don’t come over!” She cried out. One foot was already over the edge, her body unstable. Dangerous all around.

The people below started chanting in unison, “Don’t jump, don’t jump, don’t jump!”

“Love,” I reached out my arms, with gentle words, “Come here. We’ll spend Christmas together.”

Suddenly, a stream of tears flowed down from her eyes. “You’re lying. You stopped loving me a long time ago.”

“I’m not lying,” I said. “I was just playing earlier. Who knew you would have taken it for real. Look, I’m still here, aren’t I? Haven’t I always been here?”

“You’re lying, you’re lying…” She kept shaking her head, with a flurry of emotions, not believing.

“I’m not lying. I love you. Love, don’t act recklessly, okay?” I knew that the only thing I could do now was to coax her, to let her calm down.

“Really?”

“Do you believe me? If you jumped off, I would jump right after you.”

“Really?” Her voice had already relaxed.

“Stop throwing money.” I stepped closed, “With that much money, we can watch a lot of DVDs. Moreover, if you jump down from the fourth floor and die, forget it. But if you were to break your arms and legs, how are you going to become a famous singer?”

She rubbed her tears with her sleeves.

I took advantage of this time, while she wiped away her tears. I stepped forward and pulled her back down to safety. She hugged me with her strength and bit on my ear. My left ear was in a lot of pain after she bit down. And then I heard her say, “c.o.c.kroach, remember this. If you dare lie to me, I won’t look to die. But I will make sure you die a horrible death!”

I couldn’t hear her clearly, and I felt like my ear was going to fall off, no longer belonging to me. I suddenly thought of Blackie’s ugly hands, missing their little fingers. I held onto Jiang Jiao, as an unspeakable fear floated in my heart.

Many days later, Jiang Jiao was smoking one of Double Happiness, and said to me, “Actually, I had no plans to jump that day. I was just testing my acting skills. If you hadn’t shown up, I would have finished throwing away the money, and then gone to enjoy the holidays.”

This was my old Jiang Jiao. I kept thinking that I had enough to deal with her, but often times, it was just an illusion. A kind of beautiful illusion.

As virtue rises one foot, vice rises ten. In this world, who dares to say who will be the world’s savior?

Just wash up and sleep as early as possible.

During winter break, I went home.

Jiang Jiao’s family spent New Year’s in Beijing, so I traveled alone. On the eve of New Year’s, I arrived in the city I spent more than ten years growing up in, the place I never thought I’d return to. When I got off the train, I felt I could breathe easily. The air in this city was something I was familiar with, accustomed to. Apparently this city had already left its mark on my life. It wasn’t something I could forget just because I wanted to.

When I pushed open the door, he was very surprised.

He was on the sofa, watching TV. He was alone, with a bowl of noodles and the lively New Year’s Gala celebrations.

He was already old, with gray hair. He smiled, wrinkles all around his eyes.

“Dad,” I shouted.

“Oh,” he replied.

I was away for more than half a year. He never sent me any money. I never wrote him any letters, just a few phone calls to let him know I was safe.

He didn’t know that I’d planned on coming home.

“Hungry? What do you want to eat?” He was a bit uneasy.

“Let’s go out to eat!” I pulled him up.

“You think this is Beijing? Who’s still open on New Year’s Eve?” He helped me bring in my luggage. “I made some chicken soup. Why don’t you eat that?”

“Sounds good,” I said.

“Alright! Wait for me!” He hurried into the kitchen.

I sat down on the sofa. The sofa was already very old. When I sat down, I felt a hard piece hit me. Very quickly, he came out with a bowl of noodles, and asked me, “Didn’t you say you weren’t coming back for New Year’s?”

“I suddenly wanted to come back, so I did.”

“Coming back is good too.” He went back to the kitchen and brought out a thermos. He said to me, “Stay here at home. I’m going to make a quick visit to the hospital, and I’ll be right back.”

“Why are you going to the hospital?”

“Someone’s staying in the hospital. I’m going to send him some soup,” he said.

“Who’s at the hospital?” I asked.

“A friend,” he said. When he finished, he put on his shoes, and carried the thermos out.