"I'm sorry, you can think of me as a bad person."

No

"I don't see us working out, you'll find someone better than me. It's better if you forget me and move on"

No No No

Tears rolled down Sung Ho's face, which seemed to sparkle despite everything else being hazy and greyed

"Bye Sung Ho"

"No don't go!!" Ji Hyun jolted awake covered in cold sweat and gasped for air while clutching his chest. He heaved for a good five minutes before relaxing. Turning to the side, he allowed the tears pooling in his eyes to run down his cheeks onto the sweat-soaked pillow.

The room was freezing, the small heater was humming and sputtering occasionally as if doing its best despite being on the verge of completely giving up.  Sleepless nights in this shit hole were a norm for Ji Hyun for almost a year. After being kicked out from his parent's place, this ex-young master was like a fish thrown out of water. 

Struggling to live day by day having poor skills to care for himself, the little money he had now was used for rent, medication and doctor consultations, and instant food. He looked extremely haggard for a twenty-eight-year-old, losing at least eight kilograms living this way. The only reason why he hadn't hurt or killed himself was simply that he was a coward, too afraid to actually go through with it. Being poor made him unable to drown himself in alcohol too, the fear of being forced to live on the streets, common sense still won over the desire to be numbed. 

‘Two hours of sleep... I guess that's okay’ He slowly sat up and properly got out of bed, washed his face, and brushed his teeth. The reflection in the mirror looked like a ghost of himself. Once bright, handsome, with eyes full of fire for the future. Now he just looked lanky, with eyes that lost their light, slightly sunken in. Perhaps apt for the graveyard shift, looking like a zombie. 

It was approaching his first winter living this way. He wore three shirts and one thinly padded jacket to brave through the cold, the frosty air filling his lungs and creating clouds of evaporation just solidified the fact it was going to get much colder despite it not being winter yet. The only warmth he could get was by burying his face into the warm red scarf that had long lost Sung Ho's scent. 

Seven years ago, Sung Ho wrapped this scarf around Ji Hyun's neck, playfully showering both of his reddened cheeks with soft pecks, and told him it would hurt more if Ji Hyun fell sick than if himself. 

He couldn't even remember how it used to smell like anymore, now, it just smelled a little moldy and stinky. 

Ji Hyun started his shift at the convenience store, he was assigned tasks such as packing, labeling, and discarding expired stock. Luckily, he was able to bullshit his way out of directly interacting with customers by saying he had bad breath and a huge scar underneath his face mask that would scare away people. Having both depression and social anxiety, the last thing he would want is to have an attack in front of customers and losing his job. Luckily for him, this part-time job did not bother about their staff’s medical history, but more of criminal offenses and such.

An expensive-looking foreign car parked outside the convenience store, a tall and handsome man stepped out. He looked even more out of place with his luxury brand suit, watch, and shoes. He entered the convenience store and directly went to the counter. "One XX brand pack of cigarettes" 

In his peripheral vision, he saw a person wearing a red scarf carrying boxes into the storeroom. The person's back and scarf looked familiar but at the same time, it couldn't possibly be who he thought it was. He hurriedly left after taking the pack of cigarettes and making his payment, mood souring upon being reminded of that person buried deep in his heart. 

"Director Park, did something happen inside? You look pissed" the person beside him in the car asked. "It's nothing, I was just reminded of someone I detest." Sung Ho replied coldly. He brushed his thumb slowly and roughly across the mole underneath the corner of that person's left eye "Let's just go do what we've met for hm?" His smirk was charming however his actions showed his bad mood. The chauffeur silently drove the two people to the destination for their night rendezvous. 

Back at the convenience store, Ji Hyun was carrying boxes of stock to and fro the storeroom into the aisles to be topped up. He caught a whiff of a familiar scent of cologne, woody and musky, with a hint of citrus. He immediately put down the box he was carrying and walked around the store to find the source of the scent. There was no one in the store now besides him and his colleague at the counter. Sighing, he returned to the task at hand and decided to not think too much about it. It felt really familiar, but he decided to just focus on his task, and the sensation of bubbling warmth and quickening heartbeat died down as fast as it started.   

-----------------------------------------

Ji Hyun had sent out multiple resumes to various companies, he had a degree in business, however, full-time jobs had stricter application requirements. He had to include his psychiatric condition and stint in the overseas company which was the same as a blot on his employment history. If they contacted said company, their review would likely be a one out of five. 

'We're sorry to inform you, you did not meet the requirement set by our company...'

Or 

'We regret to inform you...'

Or

(No replies)

These were the kind of rejections he had received. He did not make it past the final interviews. The hopes he held slowly died with each passing day and the feeling of despair grew and grew, till it popped like a balloon and he felt nothing. It started to feel like the norm to be rejected and unwanted for who he was. 

He didn't want to be homeless, so he had no choice but to slowly get forced against a dead end. 

Maybe then, courage would come and he could finally end things. 

Ji Hyun had an interview later at 10 am, after ending his shift at 8 am he could go back and wash up and change into his suit. The position was at a biotech firm, as an entry-level administrative staff. It was 9 am now, and he felt his chest tightening, another reason why his interviews flopped was because he was always nervous during them. His parched throat was demanding for a drink, and after counting his coins he headed to the street vendor below the building. 

"Auntie, one iced barley tea please"

"Auntie, one iced barley tea please"

The familiar voice, scent, and presence all hit Ji Hyun at once like a truck. He turned his head and his eyes widened as he laid eyes on Sung Ho. Sung Ho looked more mature now, features more chiseled, well dressed, with a neat hairstyle. 

"Sun.. Sung Ho"

He managed to voice Sung Ho's name before turning mute. His heart was racing and was hammering against his chest wall. It was getting hard to breathe, he staggered back and swerved towards the other direction, almost falling in the process, and started running to the nearby toilet. 

Sung Ho was stunned and watched this haggard man behave strangely, it then registered in his brain that it was Ji Hyun. It felt like there was something jammed in his throat, before he could think, he started chasing after Ji Hyun into the toilet.

Ji Hyun was holding onto the basin with one hand and clutching onto his chest with the other. He was hyperventilating, his knees felt weak and gave way, slamming onto the cold ground. "Ji Hyun? Ji Hyun, are you okay?!" Sung Ho threw away his breakfast in his paper bag and used it to allow Ji Hyun to hyperventilate while supporting him. 

Ji Hyun felt a familiar embrace, and the cologne flooded his senses. Everything faded to black as he passed out with tears streaking down his cheeks. 

-------------------------------------------

"I love you" 

"I... I love you too" Sung Ho's ears were hot and red. His cheeks reddened and he avoided eye contact. 

Then his expression became cold and tears flowed down both cheeks

"Then why did you leave me?" Sung Ho's words were even colder

"N..No, I mean.. I-I... I regret it so much... I... I'm sorry Sung Ho... No one has treated me as well a-as you did... I was stupid.." Ji Hyun said as he tried to reach out to Sung Ho. But he realized his hands were covered with thick black sludge, dripping excessively. He frantically tried to wipe it off but it kept oozing out from his hands and spread upwards from his hands. The pool rose and with one last breath of air, he went under.

"Wake up!... Wake up!!" 

At that moment Ji Hyun jolted up from his nightmare and gasped for air. His blurry vision and breathing stabilized after a while. A slender and warm hand was patting his back slowly, Ji Hyun froze and turned to the person. It was a lady wearing a white coat, looking at the surroundings it was likely she was a doctor and they were in some sort of sickbay. 

"W-where am I..?" 

"Have you calmed down yet?" She asked softly.

Ji Hyun nodded 

"You're in GG Biotech company's sickbay for employees... I'm Dr. Han Yuri. Was it your first time having a panic attack?"

"..." Ji Hyun hesitated for a moment. 

"...No" He honestly admitted. "So-sorry for the trouble... I-" he stopped talking when he saw the time reflected on his watch. It was 11.30 am, way past his interview timing. "Ahh.. the interview.." Ji Hyun sighed and became dejected. There was a knot in his throat, he vaguely remembered meeting Sung Ho, maybe it was his imagination, but he couldn't be sure, and he definitely failed his interview by being a no-show. It wasn't even afternoon yet.. yet his day was already so messed up. He was supposed to go to the interview room, not be in said company's sickbay. 

"You had an interview in this company?" Yuri leaned back on her chair and smiled, it looked a little mischievous, but Ji Hyun brushed it off as his imagination. "Yes... I'm so sorry for the trouble... D-do you know who brought me here?" 

"Hmm.. er. No?" Her tone sounded strange but Ji Hyun decided not to pursue it. He thanked her and left after his IV drip was done. Every time he had a panic attack, it would drain all of his energy. 

He sat at the bench outside the company to catch a breather. It was cold but he just wanted to rest somewhere without troubling anyone. 

Ji Hyun was convinced that loneliness suited him the best. Like the nightmare he had, his condition had made him socially inept, he would just spoil the mood. Feeling dirty and tainted, he let go of all the connections in his life, the family and friends that could not accept him. The friends that had loved him also, were let go because he did not want to hurt them with 'him'. Meeting Sung Ho would be the last thing he would want, he was ashamed and full of guilt and regret. 

He dozed off and the thoughts started to quieten down. 

"..." 

Sung Ho stared at the man sleeping on the bench outside his company. He made sure that Han Yuri kept her mouth shut about him carrying Ji Hyun to the sickbay. It had been six years since he last saw Ji Hyun, and a bad mix of feelings started since then. Now he could properly have a look at Ji Hyun.

Sung Ho wanted to be angry and cold towards Ji Hyun. His chest felt stuffy, heart full of resentment and urge to punish Ji Hyun for what he did back then. 

But Ji Hyun's pitiful state now was a shock to him. His once smiley, prideful, and handsome lover, now looked sickly and thin, even having a panic attack the moment they made eye contact. His creased suit was overused and obviously not ironed properly, there was even a small burn mark at the edge of the hem of the left sleeve. 

The corner of a red scarf was peeking out of his bag. Sung Ho carefully took it out with small movements, his frown deepened as he remembered this scarf, his scarf. Its vibrant color now darkened, it looked worn out, and there was a funky smell coming from it. He had half a mind to toss it in the trash, but when Ji Hyun sneezed, he carefully wrapped it around Ji Hyun's neck and lower half of the face. 

'Don't think that I care for you, I don't know what happened but.. how the hell did you end up like this?!' Sung Ho thought to himself angrily with an uneasy feeling nipping at his heart. 

He gently placed his hand on Ji Hyun's left cheek and his thumb slowly rubbed against the mole underneath Ji Hyun's eye. Sung Ho then got angry at himself for even doing this so he quickly used that same hand and pulled up the scarf to cover Ji Hyun's entire face and briskly walked away.