Cipiteca396

This chapter too... What the heck is going on?

My destination should have been my Core Room, but I had no time to confirm my surroundings. Without the Pacifying Song, I was exposed to the full weight of the emotions leaking from my Heart. My thoughts skipped off each other, completely lost to the white noise. Endless doubts and self loathing echoed in a never-ending spiral, and time lost all meaning.

At some point I realized I was sobbing uncontrollably. When was the last time I cried?

I wasn't breathing properly, and my body was horribly injured. Although I knew it, I didn't feel the pain. Even if I had, I wasn't sure I would have been able to distinguish it from the rest of my feelings.

I turned my attention to my surroundings, still shaking and choking on my tears. All I could see was a corrosive cloud of debris, emotion and mana- and my Crystal Core. It soaked in the mana greedily, but more flowed into the air anyways. An endless sea of misery and fury.

Where is it all coming from? The part of my Mind that was able to rationalize still seemed so insignificant, battered by the weight of despair and loneliness. But still, I turned my attention inward.

The shroud around my Heart was torn.

Just a tiny rip, but from inside gushed out a noxious cloud of emotion. Everything I'd pushed down or ignored or forgotten. A volatile mix that I couldn't even begin to describe. It diffused into the air or towards my Core, igniting into magic and creating a variety of destructive effects.

The storm ripped at everything within. My Core seemed to be immune, but I was not. My skin burned and boiled, constantly regenerating with the last dregs of my most recent casting of True Regeneration. The enchantments on my clothes similarly struggled to repair themselves, drawing excessive amounts of the mana I was leaking to fight off the corrosion.

The ground around us had no such protections. Entire chunks of stone were ripped from the ceiling and ground before being hurled around at terrifying speeds. Awe crept into my Heart, momentarily fortifying me. This is... Incredible.

There was one other thing. She was nearly invisible due to the smog and darkness around me, but now that I was searching, I felt someone hugging me. She was holding me in her lap, protecting me from the worst of the damage. The Light Armor encasing her was one of the less durable variants of Mage Armor, but it excelled against magic attacks. At least, energy based magic. The corrosive mana in the air simply slid off the barrier of faint yellow light, barely noticeable if I strained my Aura Perception. 

The roar of the storm drowned out my words when I tried to speak. Similarly, I was sure that if she spoke, I would hear nothing. So I just returned my face to her shoulder where I continued to cry.

I felt no desire to act any further. What I had already done was more an act of curiosity than anything else. Now that I knew, I was again being overwhelmed by my emotions. If I'd been alone, I'm sure I would have simply wallowed in them.

Instead, I copied her. There was plenty of mana to draw from. The problem was converting it to light mana. No emotion seemed to correlate to it, so I had trouble creating it. Eventually though, an intangible barrier formed around me. My injuries and the damage to my clothing mended in moments, supercharged by the mana in the air and no longer being damaged by it.

That wouldn't protect me from the debris in the air, but I didn't really care at the moment. Even if I died, I would just revive right? But the one protecting me wouldn't. That thought alone caused me to collect my will once more. I need to stop this.

I tried to draw the power back into the shroud, like every other time something like this happened. But I couldn't draw in more than was leaking. I needed to seal the breach first. The problem being that I had no idea how to do that.

The shroud was there from the moment I first perceived my Heart. I didn't know what it was or where it came from. I didn't even know if it was good or bad. If it was preventing all of this madness from leaking out, then perhaps it was good. But I was sorely tempted to believe it was condensing the mana as well. Like a pressure cooker, it strengthened the emotions even as they were contained.

Destroying the shroud wasn't an option. Not when I was in company. The resulting expulsion of mana might kill her. It might even be enough to destroy my Core.

Trying to create a plug out of mana failed. The mana was scattered away as soon as it was exposed to the stream of leaking emotion. Working from the edges inward was more successful, but eventually the patch collapsed and was blown away.

It was so hard to focus. So hard to think. Drowning in so much emotion, I couldn't even feel them properly. I felt fragile and lifeless.

But the reality is different, no? A part of me whispered. Vindictive. Angry. This is me. Everything is mine.

All at once, I clamped down. There's no need to think or scheme.

The air froze, bitter chill, searing dread, scarred earth- everything instantly went still. Magic is emotion. Thaumaturgy means it is directed by intent and will.

My fury pulled all of it inward, using the stained power against itself. My disdain and scorn for my weakness became the tool that overcame it. My fear and regret became a lattice that would protect me in the future. Anything that refused to move was consumed as fuel for the new spell. A new shroud formed around the old one.

But a perfect copy was no good. I resented that outcome. It would just cause problems for me later. I didn't know what I wanted in exchange, but so what? Thaumaturgy wasn't about knowledge. It was intent and desire. I poured my desires into the frame, letting it crystallize.

The new shroud was a clear shell to my Aura Perception, unlike the black shroud from before. I did not understand it anymore than I understood the old one. But I felt my Spirit soar at the sight of it.

Inside, I could see the shroud break apart and whirl about, becoming a dark maelstrom to match the storm that still lingered around us. The roiling clouds that manifested from my inner turmoil were drawn inward, never approaching the barrier. It seemed... safe, for the moment at least.

My aura slowly stabilized, and I felt relief and joy. Perhaps they'd been there before, and I simply failed to recognize them. Emotions that I was genuinely experiencing, instead of some overamplified echo.

The air was still filled with magical effects, but the storm was beginning to dissipate. The mana and energy were drawn into my Core, and the shattered stone fell towards the ground. It was still almost an hour before everything calmed down enough for me to hear my own voice.

Though of course, it wasn't my own voice I heard first, but the Kindlesprite's. "Selene... I was told to hug you. It seemed necessary, but I know you said that you do not like to be touched. I apologize..."

I found that I still couldn't quite control my emotional state. Even as I continued to cry, I started laughing at her. Well, it didn't sound like laughter, but the intent was there. I couldn't think of a response either so I just focused on trying to calm down and breath properly. All I could do was pat her arm hesitantly.

Her arm was strange, compared to a human's. Everything about her was strange. I'd been too distracted to notice before. She was colder than I expected, but far warmer than stone or an object. Her skin was soft, but smooth and firm like wax. It was a strange contrast.

And awkward. She was right that I didn't like to be touched, and touching someone else was even worse. But I didn't have the energy to move. I tried to take the comfort that was offered instead. It didn't make me any less uneasy, but at least I could pretend.

For her part, the remorse in her aura faded at my touch. Instead there was uncertainty. She spoke again. "When you said you wanted- us- to be your friends... Was I included in that?"

I felt anxiety and panic spread through my aura, along with embarrassment. I was reminded of everything that had happened before. The entire situation was so unbearably awkward. Self loathing manifested as a litany of insults directed to my stupid, spineless self. I barely managed to choke out a word. "...sorry."

She didn't seem to understand. "The others are alright. You don't need to be sorry. They couldn't leave, but Corina could tell where you went. Geni said you were upset and that I should give you a hug." She tightened her grip as if to demonstrate. "Corina also said that she really wanted to be your friend."

She... did? It shouldn't have been surprising. But it was. Why would she? My tears had mostly subsided, but now they renewed. I buried my face in the Kindlesprite's shoulder again and sobbed. Joy and relief warred with skepticism and stress. Hundreds of scenarios ran through my head, everything that could go wrong.

But the Kindlesprite continued. "I believe... I want that as well." She spoke softly, more to herself than me. "I thought I was meant to be your servant, or something similar. But I feel... unsatisfied. When you are sad, I can do nothing to cheer you. When you think without speaking, I wonder what you are thinking about but know it isn't my place to ask."

"I want more than that." She paused, and I felt her eyes on me even as I lost the last of the composure I'd managed to build up. "If it would be acceptable to you- I would like to be your friend."

I cried for a long time afterwards, unable to respond. Part of me was tempted to shove all of my emotions down into my Heart, but I was wary after everything that had happened. I was also slightly frustrated, and perhaps a little spiteful. It's completely unfair for her to spring this on me right now.

The Tantrum that resulted was far less destructive than before. A light mist spread through the area, oddly warm but with a tingly static to it that made me flinch occasionally.

Ah, I'm really not thinking straight after all. I wasn't able to speak, but she'd asked me a yes or no question. It wasn't that complicated.

I lifted my head a little, prompting another surge of embarrassment as our eyes met. I probably looked really dumb at the moment, with my tear stained face gasping for air.

Her aura was quietly roiling with anxiety. A different flavor from what I was familiar with from my own aura, and mixed with concern and compassion for me.

Maybe it wasn't fair, but it was what we both wanted. So why not? I nodded carefully.

The surging relief in her aura and the answering smile bewildered me, but I was too exhausted to think about it. I leaned into her again, still crying. For the first time in a long time, I felt like sleeping. I hope we can be good friends. My thoughts faded as I lost consciousness.

Cipiteca396

This wasn't supposed to happen for a long time though? And it wasn't supposed to be this... disastrous, either. Nothing seems to be going to plan, lol.