I woke up, staring at a wooden ceiling. 

It was a sight I wasn’t used to yet, since unlike the storage room I lived in before, the place I was in had light and warmth coming from weird appliances sitting at the corners of the room.

Every morning I repeated the same routine of pinching myself to check if I wasn’t dreaming.

Then I took out my carving practice board. I had worked on it for some days now, but it still wasn’t good enough.

“If you feel like I’ve overdid it, make sure to overpay.”

His words still echoed in my head.

There’s no way I can pay back everything that was given to me…

Whenever I think about that, I feel like I’m taking advantage of someone’s kindness.

My body feels heavy and I feel a stinging feeling in my chest as if a knife was stuck there.

Because of that, I spent my time trying to preoccupy my head with drawing and carving until I got exhausted.

No matter how much he reprimands me, I just feel terrible when I’m not doing it.

Whenever I let my guard down and act without considering my situation, I feel even worse.

I always want to apologize, but I know he doesn’t want to hear me say I’m sorry. 

So I keep silent instead of being an annoyance.

But because of that, even the smallest mistakes consume me from the inside out.

He always asks me how I am and if I want anything, but my words always get tangled in my throat and I just keep silent about it.

That’s because I’m scared…

I’m scared of trusting him…

I’m scared of letting myself be free…

I’m scared of being abandoned again in a place I don’t know…

Will he ignore me again like the others?

Will he beat me if I make a mistake?

Will I have to go back to the cliffs?

My chest aches with all of these doubts, so I hug the gifts he gives me when I go to bed and mumble my name repeatedly until I fall asleep to remind me everything is real.

And also to remind me how much I owe…

I can’t even bring myself to smile at him, because I’m scared…

If I smile, will he find me annoying?

If I laugh, will he find me unpleasant?

If I look at him, will he also think my eyes are creepy?

If I let myself be happy, will he throw me away?

I don’t know… I don’t know anything at all…

I don’t even know if he regrets bringing me with him. He never smiles when he’s with me.

He sometimes laughs, but I can’t tell whether it is because he means it since I fear it is the same mocking laugh from the kids back at the island.

So I swallow everything I want to say and pretend I’m fine.

Because I don’t know if he’ll want me around him if I let it all out.

The more he gives me, the more painful the stinging in my heart gets.

The more this new life pulls me in, the more I want to push it away.

Because I’m scared of being happy.

I manage to bring myself out of bed and out of the room.

I didn't want to leave my things behind, but we wouldn't need them right now.

And I would come back later to them... for now at least.

For now, Ascalio is waiting for me and I'm scared of making him wait too long.