9 Years, Village outskirts. Envy and Pity

“It is not working... Again...” A loud, frustrated sigh escapes Brians mouth. As of lately, he grew increasingly weary of making no progress. Ione, over the past months since she discovered her magic ability, made tremendous advances, while Brian watched it all and continued to sit in front of his water cup, trying to stare it into submission. He must know that this will eventually bear fruit, since it did for Ione after all, but that does not keep him from feeling left out. He even told me so. After all, he is the last of us who is yet unable to use magic.

“Faster!” Ione says, while throwing a stone. The stone, however, does not seem to take her command, as it flies in a completely normal manner. A few days back, Ione wished to advance from heat to acceleration magic. She does not really have to ask me, but of course, I “gave her permission”. There is nothing left for her in heat magic, having learned both output regulation to a degree and point-focussing. Notable as well is that she shortened her chants over time, single one-word commands are enough for her now, such as “Boil!” or “Burn!”. Naturally, she has not been able to actually use acceleration. It took me a long time to grasp, it would have been weird had she seen behind it so quickly.

I picked up the acceleration of stones again as well. I have mastered the magic component, but having a bit of aiming practice will probably prove beneficial should I decide to go on a hunt again. I suspended my experiments on self-manipulation for a while. It has been under two weeks since I first tried it, and got myself a concussion. The days after, I still had occasional headaches and attacks of dazedness, but I was not as mentally deranged as directly after the thing.

It was the first time I actually apologized for something to Ione and Brian. Viewing back, my behaviour was irrational, and what they did was the correct choice. Luckily, they did not seem to have taken it the wrong way, and saw it as what it was, mental derangement and not my actual opinion.

A rhythm ensues, Ione's “Faster!”, the two of us collecting stones we threw, and Brians mix of sulking and rambling about the nonsensicality of his actions. At first, I wanted to simply retrieve Iones stones with magic, they never flew outside the range of 25 meters. However, I quickly realized that focussing on a small object that far away is insanely hard if you have not mentally marked it as it was close, and additionally Ione disliked me taking her work.

In some distance, around forty meters away, I arranged the flat stone as something like a practice target, and using some charcoal I picked up somewhere earlier, I drew a point on it. This was the spot I sought to hit. Ione did not have any target, but rather was focused on accelerating the stone at all. Getting it into places would come after that.

Since Ione reached the point of being able to use magic, our daily training time approached four to five hours, instead of the former two to three. This was also a factor in Iones rapid advance, and she told me that she does some practice before we meet as well. We started around noon, and would keep at it until late in the afternoon. However, their father made clear they had to be back until dawn. I was not particularly excited about having another search party coming after us, either.

“Ah, fuck it!” An annoyed shout is disrupting the rhythm. I turn around, only to see Brian empty his water cup in a single gulp. He rises up, and joins us at the crudely drawn throwing line. “Anyone got a few stones extra? I'm gonna throw as well.”

A slight hint of disappointment hushes over my face, without me being able to stop it. “Do you not think you should find your magic before doing this?” Ione looks over to me, then to Brian, and nods in approval of my words.

“I've sat there long enough! I'm done with it. Sitting there and achieving nothing, it doesn't even bore me, it just straight-up sucks me dry of my will to do anything, it is depressing.” To remain fair, he did that for a very, very long time now, over a year, and a few hours daily. From his perspective, it is probably justified to be upset.

I shrug. “I have a few spare stones. It is your choice how to spend your time.” I take a handful of stones out of the tree trunk, and hand them over. Every time I was in the forest and spotted a fitting stone, I took it, and finally stashed it here. Over time, a decent collection amassed, thirty-seven stones with similar weight and size.

Brian aggressively proceeds to throw a stone with the maximum of momentum he can offer. Unaided, it only flies a little further than Iones stones. Still, Brian seems to have took satisfaction in that act. Again, and again, he tosses stones as hard as he can. A new rhythm ensues, quite more pleasant than the last one. The sound of stones swooshing through the air, going to reclaim said stones side to side, it has something deeply meditative to it.

Time passes. Brians mood lifted over the course of the hours, and he visibly puts all his energy into this matter. If he continues, his arms are sure to be sore tomorrow. He does not seem to care, however. At this point, I have no problems hitting the marked spot basically every time, and the flat stone volunteering as target is showing marks of abrasion at the point of impact.

Brian suddenly raises his voice. “Hey, sister. Do you think dad will have anything against us bringing a guest to dinner today?” Ione seems a bit surprised, but not overly so. “I think not. He does it all the time, after all. We have to ask him and mother first, though.” “Okay, lets do that.”

“Who are you talking about? Who are you going to invite?” It is not really anything of my business, yet I am a little interested. However, they only give me a weird look. Understandable, I would not like it either if they would be asking me about what I do after our lessons. It is their free time, after all.

Brian quickly dispels my thoughts “I don't know who else Ione might be thinking of, but I thought of you, Rei.” Ione nods.

“Oh. I see.” What brought him to that idea now? Why now? I mean, I have time. I always do. I relatively certain mother and father would not mind me missing a dinner, they do not overly when I stay out late at times at least. But why would they invite me. Do they have any backhand thoughts?

“I mean, sure. I have time. I guess.”

“Oh, you do? Great! I will quickly go and ask!” Like that, Brian was gone. I and Ione are still standing there. There is slight awkwardness in the air. Still, why would Brian propose something like that? I thought he hated me. Sure, he became docile. He calls me “Rei”, a shortened form only my mother calls me. I do not like him doing that, but I was not able to talk him out of it. It is his form of showing depreciation, probably. Is he going to mix something into my food? No, that would not fit him. He is too straightforward that underhanded tactics. Why then...

I do not dislike him, though. I appreciate all the effort he makes, and therefore can overlook his obvious hatred against me. I respect him, in a way. This is also the reason why I did accept the invitation. This, and not the fact that stew every time starts to get a bit boring. Especially not the fact that I even somewhat enjoy to spend time with the mayors children.

Brian returns a few minutes after. “Dad said its okay!” He shouts, even before he gets into talking range. “Dinner's like always, in an hour and a half.” Ione states. There was still one hour of training time left.

“So, in the meantime...” Brian starts, leaving the end blank. “We train further.” I finish his sentence. Brian does not seem to agree.“Ah, I've got a better Idea. You come over, and I show you my room!”

Why would he do that? All this time, he voiced no real complain about his training. But now, he wants to delay it in favour of showing me his stuff? What is up with him? What is he scheming? I decide to ask. “Why? Why would you? What for?”

Brian seems surprised. “What for, Rei? Do I need a reason to show my room to a friend?”

A friend. That is what he said. In case I have not misheard him. Does he really view me as a friend? I have never had a friend, so I can not really say what that would be like. I do not think of them as my friends. Sure, we spend a lot of time together. But that is only for teaching them magic. If that would fall away, they would have no reasons to interact with me, right? I would have no reasons to interact with them, right?

He is most likely scheming something. But, I see no reason to deny. It could be interesting to see how he lives. “Okay, as you want.” Brians face brightens up. “Great! Let's go, then!” “Do not expect me to show you my room in return, though. It would be a very short trip.” After all, we only possess one room, and there is not all too much in it except for a rudimentary kitchen and spots to sleep. “Alright, alright, got it!” Brian chuckles a bit. Did he take that as a joke? It was the truth, though.

Ione and Brian start going to their house, and I follow them. I am not extraordinarily dirty, and neither are my clothes. They got cleaned really well by the village doctor, back when I was at her place with my concussion. She even got rid of all those blood stains somehow. I should maybe ask her for instructions on that sometime. In the meantime, a bit of dirt and dust had speckled it, but it is still somewhat presentable in the eyes of others. I, myself, do not care about looks, but I can not come around the fact that others might.

We are standing in front of their door. Instead of knocking, Ione simply pushes the door open. It was not locked, apparently. Brian announces our presence with a hearty shout. “MOM! DAD! We're back!” A muffled “Oh, so early? Well, dinner is ready in an hour!” sounds through the hallway like an echo. I recognize the voice, it is the mayors wife. “We got some time, then.” Ione remarks. Brian gestures me to follow, and we climb the stairs. The siblings have a room for themselves, on the second storey, even.

The mayors house is big. Not big in a common sense, but even bigger. They may have even larger buildings elsewhere, but this house is easily by far the largest house I have ever seen, and probably will ever see. It even inspires a tiny bit of awe in me, considering I lived in a shack not even comparing to a single room here. Sure, I have been here once before, but only now I can really see that fact. Last time, I was a bit too distracted by the imminent conversation with the house's owner.

“Here we are!” Brian demonstratively pushes the door open. Like every room in the house, you almost call it a mansion, there was a wooden floor and a colourful wallpaper covering the walls. In two of the four walls windows were embedded, flooding the room with sunlight. An oil lamp was standing on the bedside table of a bunk bed, in case the light outside was too dim. The bed had mattresses, pillows and blankets. It is an astonishing sight.

“Look, here is our bed. Then, here is our closet, take a look inside! Winter clothes, summer, autumn... my spare boots, Iones underwear...” Ione scornfully looks at Brian in reaction to that remark, but he does not even seem to notice it. I feel dull. A bitter taste inhabits my mouth. “Here, our own little book collection. “The adventures of the little gnome”, I used to love that book when I was younger!”

I think back to my own room. Windows, none to speak or think of. Shared with my parents, serving as a kitchen and living room at the same time as my bedroom, and the bedroom of my parents. The floor is just dirt, and my “mattress” a pile of straw. My “blanket”, patched up more times than I could count. My “wardrobe”, the robe I have at my skin this moment. My “book collection”, reduced to nothing after the seizure of Arstibals gift.

“Here is my collection of games, this set of dice I got when I turned twelve.” I gulp. A lump has formed in throat. I feel empty. Lonely. “This pocket knife I got a while ago, but I have no real need for it...” Small tears start forming in my eyes. I do not understand why. Do I envy Brian? Ione? For their great room? Their fantastic things? Do I pity myself for the dirt-hole I live it? The rags I wear? None of those feelings are rational. They do not change anything, only bear bad things. Jealousy. Envy.

Still, those feelings are there. Unfazed, not even realizing, Brian continues. Ione watches him and me in turns, bearing a unrecognizable expression. “An anatomy book! Dad allowed me to borrow it. It is very interesting, do you want to take a look, Rei?” Only now, his view returns to me.

At this point, I lost myself. I feel bad, outright miserable. I hate myself for feeling that way. It is irrational. Yet, I can not change it, no matter how hard I try. How hard I try to simply swipe those thoughts away, it wont work. Tears are running down my face. The lump in my throat seems to have reached the size of a pumpkin. The first time in the many minutes Brian was proudly reporting every detail about his room, I raised my voice. I hate myself for how shaken and cracking it is. “Do you want me to feel bad, Brian?” My face felt hot, it was probably red as a beet now.

Brian expression turned shocked, taken aback in an instant. “No! Why would you think that, Rei? I would never...” I try, once again, to get my calm. Explain my behaviour in a cool, regulated manner. Congratulate him for his amazing room. I try. I really want to do it. But I can not. “Then..” A pity sob escapes my mouth. “ why... “ Another one. And another. And another. Tears start flowing from my eyes in rivers. My nose runs wild, I feel snot mixing with my flowing tears. Uncontrollably, I sob.

“It's alright, Rei... It's alright...” I hear those words, and I feel someone pressing me against their shoulder. It is not a bad feeling, crying on someones shoulder. Or rather, it is a bad feeling, but the bad feeling subsides. Once the bad feeling subsides, you feel better than before. A hand is caressing my hair, I lack both will and determination to stop it.

After some time, the door to the room opens, as I vaguely hear it squeaking in its angles. “What is going on here?” A almost growling voice, I connect it to the mayor. “I don't know, he just suddenly started to...” Iones voice. The one holding me must be Brian, then. It does not really matter. I am not crying because I envy him. I am because I pity myself. Hell, why am I even crying? Stop it.

I stop. A second after, I stop stopping, involuntarily. “Its alright... Its alright...” Strange. I have not cried in years. In fact, I can not even recall the last time I cried. I did not when I hit my head. I would have had a reason, back then. It had hurt like a thousand bee stings. I did not back then. Yet, now... for a reason as trivial as this...

Eventually, calmness starts seeping inside my thoughts. My sobs subside, and my tears as well. I stand up, and look in Brians face. He has a pained expression, probably unsure what to do and say.

His shirt is wet with tears. I wipe my face with my robe, cleaning it of tears and snod. “I – I am sorry. I lost myself.” A apology is due. At this point, I owe him one. Weird. It has been the second time I truly apologized to someone, the same persons nonetheless, in a span of a few weeks.

Brian smiles, although very wryly. “Like I said you, a hundred times now – Its alright. I did not realize this affected you this much. In fact, I am sorry. I know your family is poor, and...” This time, I stop him with a small wave of my hand. Fired up by the awkwardness of the situation, I decide to say something I normally would not. “Let us be friends?”

Brian energetically nods, and adds: “I thought we had been all the time, Rei...” At least half of his offence is probably played up for show. Right. I had been blind, to not see it. He had seen me as a friend. And I refused to believe him that, even when he told me so. Truly, truly foolish. Thought all of his doing were because he resented me. In what twisted mindset did that ever make sense? I have been foolish... I look up to him. After all, he was still a head larger than me. Hesitantly, I stretched out my hand as in initiating a handshake. Brian grabs my hand, and shakes it good.

Ione stands up, she had been sitting on the lower bunk bed up until now. “Good we have seen through that, now. Come down. I think dinner is ready.”

Brian and I nod in unison. “Yes, lets go downstairs.”