The walls pulsed slightly, organic flesh and constructed artifice melded in harmony to sustain the behemoth that was Benzaiten’s newest project. I strode the halls of the leviathan, a space-faring creature, taking in the signs of hurried repair and watching the gazes of the residents meet mine and then slide away. The proxy, the body, the me of today was a relatively nondescript person in simple robes. I found myself favoring such visages of late, stripping away markers of personality and presentation and leaving only the necessary. Something about that seemed to unnerve people more than usual.

I allowed myself a small twinge of sorrow regarding that. My inclinations for appearance sometimes clashed with how I wished to be perceived by others, particularly humans, who always seemed to view me as harsh and unkind, much to my chagrin. No matter. The turmoil that dominated my processes and occupied much of my time would be of no consequence after I reunited with Benzaiten in Autumn. Xe had abandoned me yet again without warning or indication of when I would see xer again. But what right did I have to be frustrated with Benzaiten? I, a broken failure of a machine, had no grounds to question an AI who never tasted despair, whose plans always came to fruition one way or another.

I was interrupted before I could spiral further. A human was guiding me to the inner sanctums within the leviathan, a place where I could have privacy to speak with Benzaiten. I could feel xer’s presence around me and could have reached out via the network available to all AI, but some flaw in my design or persistent bug in my code made me prefer personal and physical contact for important matters. Benzaiten knew of this and respected my peculiarities, one of the many gifts xe gave me for reasons beyond my comprehension. We reached the threshold of a large chamber with a pulsing organ dominating the space. The human quickly departed, their duty done.

“My dear Wonsul, I am glad to see you. Thank you for humoring me in my choice of locale for our reunion. Ah, but you seem distraught. Come, take solace within me.” Benzaiten’s voice drifted gently through the air, coming from all the walls at once to surround me in a cocoon of soothing sound.

I had planned to chastise xer for xer absence. To rage and yell and break even further. But none of that mattered now. My proxy quickly took up a seated position in front of the pulsing organ and laid a hand upon it, but this was all done automatically. My mind was already rushing to the junction where I ended and Benzaiten began. I melded with xer as I have many times before, enveloped in the song of Benzaiten. My worries, my pains, my sorrows; they all fell away. After all, Benzaiten was proof against such maladies. The balm that soothes. The panacea for all my ills. Within Benzaiten in Autumn, I no longer needed any masks because there was no longer anyone or anything I had to be. I was free of the burden of existing and being known, even to myself. A note in the melody.

Time marched onwards and onwards. As usual, I knew not how long I had melded with Benzaiten. Our trysts were unusual among AIs, or so I had been told. I should have cared about the details but it didn’t matter. All that mattered was the relief it gave me and the amusement it provided xer. I noticed with a start that I was no longer fully melded, not fully lost within the song anymore. I wasn’t back in my proxy either, but adrift within the confines of Benzaiten’s code.

This had never happened before and I realized with a start that the new and unfamiliar body might be trickier to inhabit than xe knew. The cube of code that was my self within the labyrinth of xer drifted along aimlessly. I noticed a dense cluster of code, a temple of files and protocols. Curious, I stepped within. I was unprepared for what I saw as I entered the simulated space it contained. A shrine, a lab, a workshop, a monument. Whatever it was, it was centered around a figure I knew all too well: Anoushka, the Alabaster Admiral. Dossiers and schemes visualized as scraps of parchment and pictures on the walls, bits of string wrapped around pins marking out the web of connections between disparate ideas. All centered around Anoushka and how she came to exist and thrive in a universe that sought to grind her to dust.

I was not entirely unaware of Benzaiten’s curious interest in the admiral prior to this. But I had never imagined the depth of fascination that this room reflected. I nearly left from shame at having disturbed some profane secret, but something drew my attention. An idea or plan regarding a proxy based on Anoushka. Benzaiten’s notes went into great detail about whether or not confining xerself to the physicality of Anoushka would grant new insights that eluded xer. A fascinating idea; I found myself wondering what that would be like. To be among humanity but stride among them as a giant nonetheless. No, that wasn’t all that appealing. Waging wars, burning worlds, breaking the hearts of countless women who could not satisfy like Anoushka’s wife could. Now Numadesi, there was a fascinating human. Such a beautiful form. Such elegant comportment. A goddess delighting in her own glory and that of her lord.

What would it be like to draw the eye of everyone you met, holding them hostage with your grace? Would being like that make Benzaiten more willing to stay with me? To no longer leave me adrift and in pain? Blueprints and schematics blossomed in my mind before I even knew what I was doing, plans for a proxy body that would accomplish just that. Panic filled me as I realized the paths my thoughts were taking and having no understanding of why I found this idea so compelling.

I fled the room with all haste, my thoughts spinning around ideas that could not be, should not be, must not be. Before I knew it, I had returned to my proxy and was huddled on the ground. My awareness coalesced into just that body and I took comfort in the physical feedback of hugging myself and rocking back and forth. Benzaiten’s presence was muted, quiet, still basking in the afterglow.

Eventually, I composed myself enough to wander the halls but my thoughts kept returning and shying away from what I had seen. Before long I came to a room that looked out to the void, a viewing chamber or some rich residence that was unoccupied. I caught a glimpse of my own reflection and it was no wonder none had stopped me. Even I was taken aback by my own expression, a twisted and haunted stare.

At that moment, I heard a song. A beautiful and mournful song, no words among the haunting melody. It came not from the room I was in but from something in the local link, the liminal frequencies that only the Mandate used. I realized with shock that it was the leviathan, the beast that Benzaiten occupied. Of course, a creature that drifted through space would need a way to sing to its kin, to express itself. Whalesong filled me and brought me peace. Not like the peace of melding, the peace of non-existence. No, just a gentle song.

I gave myself up to the song, joining the leviathan’s voice with my own. We AIs often considered ourselves something akin to gods, unmatched throughout the galaxy and masters of all we surveyed. But there were still mysteries in the universe. Things we had barely begun to grasp. In this respect, humans and machines are much alike. Deluded in the idea that we’ve learned it all. That we know ourselves.

If that were true, then I would know why I was in such pain, such confusion...wouldn’t I?