After I had seen my father, I distanced myself from everybody. It wasn’t as hard as I thought, because for most of my life…I had lived alone.

I know I didn’t particularly like it, but I felt like if I cared about others and they let me down…

I was scared…I was scared that the truth was that they didn’t care for me at all. That they were only nice to me because I was being used to help them or something. This type of feeling reminded me of when I had tried to make others happy back in the Billings residence and not achieving anything…

I was also scared that I was useless and wasting my time on thinking these things, but for some reason, I was overly emotional, and I had no idea how to explain it!

Everything, mostly the secret, but even getting a bruise from training seemed to make me upset and then I’d start to question myself as well!

My head…Was getting sore with all my questions…And I just didn’t know what to do!

Being like this, other things reminded me of when I was alone previously…That I had no power and that I was still doing exactly as I did then…I was following orders…

The problem was, I missed being myself. I never knew how much fun it was to watch others and train. I liked being the General’s assistance and I have even accepted my nickname of ‘Puppy’. I liked being away from everyone that knew me previously, so I could be who I am naturally…Hadn’t I done that? Hadn’t I left the Billings residence behind?

I never knew that…For two years I had not been myself…I had thought that I was myself when I was so sad and lonely but that wasn’t it…

 

But…I was scared…

So, I was trapped…

Seeing my father again, being in the capital…

I was so close to the Billings residence…

I had…A large secret on my shoulders…

This secret, was finally getting to me, making me wonder if it was all worth it…

The black vortex of nothing was trying to bring me under yet again.

I had gotten free from it! I had felt free! I had felt somewhat happy even!

Being reminded about the secret and that my father had indeed ignored me all those years, just set things back in motion for the black vortex to start spinning again and grabbing at me!

That was when another path hit me, a path that I would have to make for myself…

To run away!

I know running could lead me to death or exile, but this secret was doing that to me anyway! But, if I survived, wouldn’t I no longer have people’s lives on my shoulders? No longer have a secret?

So, to potentially do that, I had to be strong!

So…I trained so hard that I was completely exhausted to care…

But…No matter how hard I trained, my nightmares came back very often…Even showing me of the person that I had killed…

 

 

Not long after my depressing thoughts started, I was the most scared I had ever been in my life!

I found blood…

I was bleeding!

I thought I was going to die!

Not sure on what to do…I had no choice but to ‘show’ Neil. I didn’t show him much, I just pointed at some bloodied clothes and pointed down…

At first, he panicked just as much as I did!

Luckily though, he calmed down, then had to calm me down, and said that he will help me fix this.

No other words were spoken, and I didn’t move from the corner of the barracks area where he had left me…Even scared that I would be found out!

But, should I see a doctor?

Should I…

I don’t know what to do!

Some time later, not long before the General would have come to find me, Neil had returned, giving me a relief that I never thought existed!

He took away my bloodied clothes and gave me new ones, then gave me some strange things that looked somewhat familiar…And now I found out what they were used for…

He told me that this is a cycle that women go through and that these were to help soak up the blood.

…Uh?

Did he say…That this was…Normal!

…I had thought I was going to die!

 

This just did not help me get any better!

I found out that this happened once every month or so, and it went on for days!

So…Onto all the other worries that I had, I now had to worry about this too!?

It was…Too much!

How was I going to hide this!? How was I going to never let anyone know!?

How…

How…

I never was told why this was happening to me, I didn’t understand!

With my depressing thoughts still lingering from before, they only grew now with my new problem!

How was I to survive!?

But…This was the path I choose…

…I had felt very nauseous at that moment…

 

***

 

The two months before heading out with the army, surprisingly went really fast and before I knew it, I was on my way to the north, towards the forest in between Gelmain and Icklish. The forest had a name, but I’d forgotten about it…

I’m pretty sure I’ve been told, but for some reason I hadn’t taken much in all this time…

Neil had stayed close to me, even though I can’t remember the last time that he had talked to me.

He had given me items to help me with the second lot of ‘cycle’ that I had, but I never smiled…I didn’t want to smile…

It was still so much…Most likely too much, because it’s hard to remember the last two months…

Dilan had disappeared…I don’t know what happened to him…

Kael…

I don’t want to think about him…

I don’t want to think about him…

I find myself thinking about him anyway…

He has been trying to get me to speak to him, write to him or even train with him. After a month of me practically ignoring him, and me always wanted to stay in the barracks instead of going to his residence, he finally gave in.

I haven’t been looking him in the face, nor that of anyone else, I just train and train.

I train so that I can become strong, so that I can leave and no longer have this secret that is making my life harder and harder as time moves on. As…I’ve also figured out another reason to stay clear of Kael…And that was, because he trusted me…And I was lying to him!

Lying to a General!

 

I hadn’t thought of this before meeting Jenus, but after she had said some words, I had thought about it and came to realise this fact. This important fact that I was lying to him, only made me feel worse!

If he ever found out…Would he forgive me?

Would he instead never talk to me again or be the one to take action and make this secret become known to others?

No…I don’t think he would do that…But…

I just didn’t have any confidence with my friends anymore…I wondered how I could call myself their friend when I was lying to them…

It was really making me sick! The lying, the secret, the ‘cycle’…Trust…

But, in the end, he let me go to stay at the barracks full time…I know it was what I wanted him to do and I was waiting for him to do it…But it still hurt, which really confused me…

…As time went by, I found that it’s better this way…

The problem was, I got worse after he let me go. Beforehand, I felt like I was swirling around the vortex…But after that, I completely fell into it.

Knowing that we wouldn’t be together, seemed to have done something to me, I felt…Broken…

…Even though I went back to the barracks to stay there now, I wasn’t sleeping with many other males, I ended up with the Lieutenant…I don’t know why that was, but he also seemed to understand my nightmares as well, as he would hush me to sleep again afterwards.

I don’t want to ask him how he seemed like he knew about my nightmares and why he was so patient with me…For some reason, if I found out, I might wish for something to be true. So, I just tried not to think about it.

 

After all this training, I had become the best dagger user in the recruits. I was flexible and fast. Silent and able to adapt.

I found weaknesses, strengths and was even able to kick the Lieutenant…But…For some reason, I took no pleasure in it.

I can hardly remember anything else…And I don’t know why I’ve become so low…

It was familiar territory for me, to always be lonely…Yet, now that I know what I wanted, what I craved, this time, my loneliness was quite scary to me. I had never felt this type of depths before…Making me think that beforehand, the loneliness I had felt, wasn’t as bad I had originally thought.

Knowing what it was like to have friends, laugh and be myself, was something I hadn’t had back in the Billings residence. Thinking this, it makes me feel like life was just a little bit easier back then because I never knew what I was missing out on. The problem was, now that I knew, I wanted them back but didn’t know how to do it with everything that was going on…

I wish I was smarter, so that I could figure this out, but I haven’t been able too and all I could do is continue to miss my friends and laughing…

I must somehow continue to endure through my secret, lying and nightmares!

Now…I would wake in the middle of the night and jump out of bed, thinking I have blood all over me, then I wouldn’t be able to sleep on that bed, having to find somewhere else to sleep.

I would black out and find myself somewhere where I have no idea on how I made it there…

It was so scary…And I wanted to cry so much!

But, one goal kept coming to me, showing me of another path, one without a death-defying secret!

I focused upon that goal every time I was scared and lonely!

And now, it was time to head out and take the forest hill, that I can’t even remember the name of!

I wondered…I wondered if this could be a time for me to run away…

Instead, much to my surprise, it was the opposite…I was able to get right back out of that black vortex of nothing!

 

 

Upon leaving the barracks, I followed.

Upon leaving the city gates, I followed…

But, upon knowing the capital was behind us, I found myself being picked up and placed onto a horse.

“Puppy.”

I didn’t have the strength…I just didn’t…

Borrowing myself into his chest, I clenched his clothes into my hands and found myself relaxing…Relaxing so much that I was asleep within minutes.

How could I run away from this man?

It was known to me on how special he was to me when he had let me go…

The fact that he took me into his arms, even after all this time, I was…Happy.

 

***

 

Waking up, feeling like I had just falling asleep, I found that the day had gone!

It had still been morning when I was picked up, now it was night time.

I felt…Refreshed…

We were off the horse now and I was still in Kael’s arms. I looked around to see that people were eating and chatting to themselves.

“Puppy, you’re awake. Here, eat.”

Seeing the piece of meat in front of me, I take it and nibble on it.

It was so weird, being in his arms again…Because…I liked it very much. The weird thing about it, was because I felt like I belonged there and that I owned these arms…Weird…

The people around us, as well as Kael, seemed to leave me alone while I ate. Actually, I had lost weight over the last two months and now I found that I just wasn’t hungry anymore…

Nibbling on a small amount of food had become normal and I had no idea on how to return to eating more again.

I really worried about me sometimes…

When I finished the meat, I was then feed some vegetables and then Kael even cleaned my hands and face for me.

Once he was done, he didn’t speak to me, and for some reason, I felt good about that.

After a short trip to do my personal business with Neil, the General not fighting me at all about this, I was back in his arms directly after returning.

Snuggling back into his warmth, I clenched his clothes back into my hands again and the week up to the forest continued like this…Like Kael knew that I needed him and didn’t need him all at the same time…Or something like that. I really don’t understand it, but I just knew that Kael was something that I needed at the moment.

 

***

 

I don’t understand my vortex whatsoever!

As soon as the idea of battle was near, I started to become myself once again!

Neil finally talked to me, seeing that I was finally looking at him again. As even on the way to the forest hill, I still needed him to help me, but…Now…I was finally looking at him once again…

Neil had a small amount of stubble, but he had not shaved yet.

I laughed at him when I first saw it and our relationship seemed to pick up right where it left off.

Dilan was another matter, he had not returned, and I had not spoken to him. Neil told me that he seems to have another little thing that he’s protecting, but he thinks it won’t last too much longer.

Another little thing that he’s protecting?

Was Neil talking about me when Dilan was around? Why would someone want to stick close to someone just because of wanting to protect them?

I didn’t understand…Just like…

Why does everyone call me a little thing!?

Why do they always think I’m being bullied!?

Sighing, I suppose they had a point. Back in the Billings residence I was getting bullied, bullied to a point that I was probably going to die…

Life was so weird to me…So strange…

Does…Does anyone else think that? Or am I the only one?

 

When Kael saw that I was once again looking at him, he seemed to be a lot more happier.

I had noticed much earlier that he seemed to always be grumpy all the time, but now, his voice had enthusiasm in it and now that I was looking at him, I think he smiles more.

Since we were getting closer, he rarely let me go once again, and now it was back to the way things were before I feel into the vortex.

We were close, well as close as I thought we could get, and I depended on him more then I know I should.

This time though, I wasn’t going to get hurt!

My wound was much better now, it was…Another scar…

One night, sleeping next to Kael, I did vaguely feel my scar being opened and a slight, light touch upon it…Then it got covered up and covered up some more with a blanket.

I don’t know why, but I think my scar is precious now. It wasn’t before, but now, I feel like it got something that I liked.

Even though I didn’t completely understand my feelings, that was how I felt…

 

 

“…Then group three is to head in this direction.”

“Are you sure this is going to work?”

“No.”

“General?”

I looked at Kael, seeing him in contemplation and smiled…

Total faith in him filled me, and I turned back to the map laid out in front of me…Well, in front of the General.

“Their men obtained Mount Prime by a full charge from the north.”

“Sir, you think we should copy their strategy?”

“Does it look like a copy?”

Lieutenant Black cringed, “No, Sir.”

“Four groups, two groups in the south with the ropes, two groups in the north east and north west. The two groups in the north are bigger, obviously because Gelmain’s men will probably be there. There is a chance though, that their men won’t be there…”

I looked at the map and tried to understand what Kael was thinking.

“It’s just, not only enemy territory, but in the dark…Sir?”

“Mmm. I’ll go up in one of the north groups. You go with the opposite south group.”

“Humph, you always get the good jobs!”

“You want the north?”

“Nah, cause if I died, I would hate you forever!”

“Then it’s decided.”

“Just don’t start killing anyone before I get there!”

…I don’t understand how the Lieutenant can talk about people’s lives like this. It wasn’t the first time that he had talked this way, but every time, I just don’t understand. Could it be that he was joking instead, or not really meaning it the way it sounded?

My thoughts were interrupted by the men getting organised, so I followed suit…

 

 

Waiting for dark, we slowly crept further into the forest and since we had trained a bit more and had a tiny bit more experience, these new recruits had more knowledge on being quiet now.

Actually, we weren’t called ‘Nuggets’ anymore by Lieutenant Black, instead, we were called…Boulders…

I don’t get it…

Yes, we had gotten stronger training this time. Running longer, hitting harder, going hungry longer and drinking less. We shot further, we attacked longer and were able to be more quiet!

Once the south two groups were in place, the north groups left into the darkness and I was, of course, with Kael.

He held my hand, and I let him, as I never wanted to get lost!

His big hand wrapped around mine nicely and warmly, making me not at all frightened about the dark or small noises within the close by forest.

 

The south group of men had two lots of long rope…The rope was to help get the rest of them up if needed. I guessed them going up the mountain would take longer, because it was steeper than that of the north. Actually, I found Mount Prime really fascinating because it was more like a large rock, then a mountain of earth. Trees were scarcer and rocks from all sizes were around it…Much different to the forest that was surrounding it…

It sort of reminded me of me…That I was a big rocky mountain surrounded by a lush, green forest…Looking out of place…

The idea, apparently, was for the four groups to get up upon the mountain and attack from four different directions.

If the northern teams get their first and were able to sneak around, they were going to help the other two south teams to climb up the rest of the mountain. This was the ultimate goal, but…We weren’t to take risks on being caught, so if we had too, we could wait until daybreak, for the south teams to climb up themselves, or if we did get caught, the few archers in the north groups were going to be our biggest defence.

The mountain had a limited trees on the way up, but it was mostly rocks, so we had to watch where we were standing, which was very hard in the dark…

The other problem was…The mountain, in my eyes, was pretty large, so the whole idea was probably not a good one…

For hours, during the whole night, we spent most of that climbing this big rock!

I was exhausted already!

I shook my head…I was sure the rope won’t work! I really was wondering why we couldn’t just all go up together…

Why do it this way!?

I didn’t understand…

Following after Kael, I watched where I walked, even though I could hardly see, and took out a dagger, readying myself for battle, but wanting to sleep!

“Puppy, you must stay close to me!”

I put a finger to my lips, telling him to be quiet!

Seeing him smirking at me, I frowned.

“Move out!”

The whispered yell started the strange invasion upon Mount Prime!