Haih.

Why am I doing this again?

 

Sometimes I wondered, when does everything reach this point again?

I am a strong believer that "time-leaping" to "fix" a past event is impossible. No matter how many times you try to time-leap and fix the past, it is impossible to alter the future. 

I watched the movie "Tenet" by Christopher Nolan and resonated that there is no "causality" in this universe. 

Karma doesn't exist.

There is no "cause" and "effect".

For centuries, we have been convincing ourselves with the idea of "karma", so that our hard work will pay off in the end.

 

But the reality is, there is no direct relationship between the "cause" and the "effect".

This is why...

I am a strong believer that it is impossible to fix the past. 

Everything somehow ———— set in stone.

 

This is the 77,784th time I "accidentally" killed Audrey Kizuna. 

Despite having the ability to "reset the timeline", Audrey Kizuna still fated to die within my hand. As far as I know, I don't even hate this girl that much until I would kill her 77,784 times, but that is the reality. 

 

At least in 77,784 timelines, she is "murdered" by me.

 

Both my hands are full of her blood. I am somehow immune to her death. 

But, I would like to know, what is truly happening all this while? 

 

I put down her corpse on the ground.

Observe around. 

This time, we are in Japan, based on the environment setting. 

 

Can you believe, out of the 77,784 times I killed her, it at least happened in more than 25,000 different locations. 

No matter how hard I tried to "avoid" the event of killing Audrey Kizuna, it will still happen no matter what. 

 

Most importantly.

I have been stuck in this specific timeframe of 14 June to 4 July 2021 for 77,784 times. 

I am kinda insane already, to be honest.

If you do the calculation, there are 20 days in the specified time frame.

77,784 times of it is equivalent to 1,555,680 days, also equivalent to 4,262 years. 

 

I have done anything I could've done in these 77,784 times. 

The tricky part of this whole event is, Audrey can die anytime within this 20-days timeframe. 

Preventing her death earlier doesn't mean she won't die later.

Preventing her death doesn't mean we can get out from this timeframe, at least for me.

The final day no matter what for me is still 4 July 2021.

 

And out of 77,784 times of reset, I "prevented" Audrey from dying 23,417 times. 

In that 23,417 times, I believed I saved Audrey, but I still didn't "save" myself. 

My life restarted again back to 14 June 2021. 

 

It doesn't make a difference either in that 23,417 times.

I know, despite I prevented her death in that 23,417 worlds. Audrey will still die somehow. 

 

Is there even a Steins;Gate for me? 

What a joke. I shouldn't even self-pity myself like that. 

In some timeline, I even run away to face this whole shit. 

It was too much for me. In the end, I hide somewhere nobody knows about me. 

I spent the whole 20 days watching time-reset anime, movies & TV drama. I even read so many time-reset novels just to know how to get out from this shit. 

But, all of them are full-crap of magics. 

I can't feel magic at all. I don't think this is alchemy or witchcraft. 

 

This is really like a non-stop replay machine in my brain. 

I hope this is not a Tatami Galaxy I created for myself. 

 

Maybe...

I should really spend some time think about this. 

Is there even somebody above me that making this whole shit event happen?

 

As far as I know, there is no reason to kill Audrey. 

I have no reason to kill Audrey. 

 

Enough of my internal monologue. 

I walked over to observe Audrey's corpse again. 

 

She...

tongue-tied again.

 

[to be continued]