It's been a few weeks since I got admitted to the hospital.
I don't know what's keeping this old body still going, but I'm quite certain that the grim reaper will be personally contacting me soon.
The doctors have also given up hope and are now just doing bare minimum so that my daily necessities can be met.
As for the reason of my condition, it's nothing serious like cancer and stuff, it's simply old age and now my body parts are refusing to function properly.
My daughter and her grandchildren come to visit once a day, so that's something I'm very grateful for, though I do wish the son that left would also come to visit his mother at least during her death, but I guess beggars can't be choosers.
He also didn't come when my wife, the love of my life died, so yeah...didn't have much hope from the start.
hahhhhhh....
My love, I can feel it...I will be coming over to you in just a short while.
A regretful life that became filled with hope because of you.
and now because of you, I have some people who would cry because of my demise.
It's a bit of a dark thought, but knowing that a few people will cry because of my death fills me some unknown happiness.
hahaha, I guess there's still some edge left in me.
The time we spent, the struggles we went through, all the laughs, the cries, everything is coming back to me like a hurricane of emotions.
When did it all start, it's a long story, but I also have nothing but time from now on.
Everything started when I reached the age of 14.
Puberty had me wilding for 2-3 years, and the life of a middle schooler is a tough one to lead. The vivid memories of the day that started it all come to my mind.
It was a usual day, I woke up early, got ready and dressed for school, had my breakfast and greeted my parents' goodbye as I left for school.
The school day started normal with singing prayers at the start to the usual classes.
Recces came, and my friend came running back to our friend group with tears in her eyes.
'What Happened?!' we asked.
Apparently, our Mathematic teacher yelled at her for her poor performance in the recent mid-term exams.
'Do you wish to become like those delinquents? I'm saying this for your own good, stop hanging with those children. It will be good for your future'
By the word delinquents and those children, he meant us. I and my two friends, the crying girl, just became part of our group this year.
Now, I and my two friends were shameless. The teachers often yelled at us, but their words entered one ear and left from the other, thus we weren't affected by their annoying speeches, but for the girl it must have been the first time being yelled at for poor performance in exams.
Seeing the girl's crying and pitiful face, something unknown triggered inside me.
An unknown emotion.
A mysterious emotion that I had never felt before.
For quite some time I didn't act on this new-found emotion and kept it inside me for no one to find out. A deeply buried secret.
This was the moment that started it all.
A few months passed from that point, and winter vacation had just started.
The mysterious emotion that I felt on that day, only grew stronger and stronger each passing day. Baffling to me was the fact that this emotion was only ever felt towards that girl.
Deep inside, I sort of knew what it was, but it was something that I had never heard of before or seen before that it made me scared to acknowledge it.
I didn't want to accept it, therefore I tried some things to prove it wrong. But contrary to my expectations, the experiments further proved it right.
Experiment # 1
Aim --> Try casually touching your friends and then that girl to prove that she's just like everyone else.
Result --> Just like planned, I was able to normally touch by two friends like expected, but unexpectedly I couldn't do the same to the girl.
Reason --> I don't know, my mind just started filling itself with garbage and rubbish thoughts that didn't make any sense and in the end I wasn't able to do it.
Experiment # 2
Aim --> Is the girl just really special or are there others that can invoke that emotion inside me.
Result --> There are DEFINITELY others. The same emotion was invoked by following some actresses and female models on social media.
Reason --> They were just so pretty and beautiful. Their mannerism, quirkiness made me excited and embarrassed from inside.
Outcome
The name of this mysterious feeling is infatuation, or simply a crush.
But this crush was towards the same sex.
If at this point in life or for some years to come, I had proper knowledge about homosexuality and my teacher/parents discussed things like this with me, then my first regret in life wouldn't have formed.
Winter vacation ended, and I had just discovered my attraction to the fairer sex, but for some reason I couldn't tell anyone about it or act on these emotions.
Of course now I know why, but back then I couldn't pinpoint the reason.
The ambiguity of it all made me feel scared. I saw heterosexual or normal people all around me, but never someone similar to me in real life.
Sure, there were people like me in the online world, but seeing something online vs in real life is very different.
To the girl in my class that started it all, I talked normally but inside my thoughts were completely different, and it made me feel guilty.
When she talked about how attractive she found some guy, it made me angry inside.
When she started hanging out with this one boy from class, it made me jealous.
When she asked me for advice on confession, it made dark emotions stir up my insides.
But in every instance I talked normally and never let these emotions get outside. For some reason, I was scared that she would stop being friends to me, she would run away if she ever found out, like this something I was feeling was not to be felt by a normal person.
Just like that time passed, we reached high school and went out separate ways. She went to a different high school with her new-found boyfriend, and I and my two friends got into a different high school.
We did promise to keep in touch, but promises made between kids don't last long.
Just like that, my first love turned into an unrequited one.
But that was a matter of course, as I just kept it all inside and never revealed anything. Maybe if I mustered a bit of courage and fearlessness, it may have gone somewhere, but now who knows. The only thing I could do was live on with the regret.
Maybe I should have at least told my two close friends about it, but that also made me scared.
What if they think I'm weird.
What if they get disgusted.
What if I lose them.
Just a bunch of what if's and my wild imagination formed the second regret of my life.
This regret made me realize that I may not be a straightforward and blunt person as I thought I was.
Till now in life, I just spoke whatever came to my mind but when it came to topic of sexuality and feelings, I became the most cowardly person in the world. This side of me, I never knew of, I started to hate and despise.
Maybe if people around me were more open about it and didn't treat it as some taboo subject to never talk about, things might have turned a bit different for me and I wouldn't have thought of myself as some anomaly and weird person.
But now that I was in high school, things were about to change.
I didn't like my current self, I wanted to change.
Despite all my inner bullshit monologues about how everything could go wrong, I still wanted to try.
There was a little hope, a very tiny hope that maybe things weren't as bad as I was imagining them to be.
Thus, at the start of high school, I told my two friends about my feelings and sexuality.
Their faces were blank for a sharp second, my mind was racing.
Monologues about destruction and negativity were swirling through my brain. I was getting ready for them to leave me and spread rumors about me.
But at that moment a thought emerged inside my brain
Even though they were my close friends, I was thinking that they would do despicable things to me.
How could I think like that? Did I ever consider them as real friends that I was thinking about all these scary things they would do?
I know they are good and kind people, I have spent years hanging out with them, so why did I think of them as monsters? How could I them of them as some two-faced ugly people?
Do I have no trust in them?
This thought made me realize of my stupidity and just like it was to be expected, they didn't care.
ok cool.
Wanna go to this new cloth shop that opened nearby?
I really was overthinking a lot till now.
It was this easy.
My confidence grew, now I had someone to talk to about these things in real life.
Maybe I wasn't so weird after all, and it was completely normal.
Maybe it isn't so scary after all.
My feet reached sky-high and that made me have my third regret in life.
In the height of the moment, I told the two people I thought I could trust the most in the world
The people who I thought would always have my back
My parents
