As the glass ship glided over the dark glass of the Glass Barrens, its prow parting the glass like water only for the glass to reform behind the ship, I stared at the sight before me. It was hard to tell its size and distance, but the great bust of a fly's head, apparently formed out of the glass of the Glass Barrens, had to be huge. "Hey, just how big is that?" I asked Flick, the catgirl robot who had rescued me.

Her hand steady on the steering wheel of the borrowed ship, Flick answered in her monotone voice, "Hundreds of your miles. It's based off the head of the Searing Enigma, who made themselves famous for their knowledge. The building took over a century to complete. It's inhabited by millions of demons and pertinent souls."

"Holy crap," I said as I stared at the megastructure.

Flick continued, "There are many grand scale building projects in Hell. Demons take their hands at many hobbies, and building is one of those hobbies. The Black Sun Era was especially famous for this. Did you know the Black Sun Architect alone commissioned 473 megastructures?"

This was the seventh time she had talked about this Black Sun Era since I had met her. I had to admit that it seemed like an interesting time since every single fact she mentioned was fascinating in a different way.

"But there is something important we've got to discuss." She turned her head toward me. "Your goal is to get to the Devil and get him to send you home, yes?"

"Fucking yeah," I said, squeezing my hand into a fist.

"You won't make it as you are," Flick said, "He lives in the center of Hell, which will take a couple of centuries to reach from here. It's time to discuss options for you to live that long."

\|/

I can't say that I always wanted to dress up like a Roman Empress and preside over blood sports, but I definitely wanted it as of this moment. So there I was, sitting at the most prominent seat in the arena, one on a raised pedestal and with a great view of the action. Although normally there was normally a lottery for who could get to sit on the Roman-style chaise lounge, today I got the seat of honor since this tournament was being held in my honor. I lounged in a long flowing white stola, much like a short-sleeved dress of sorts, with a purple palla, a sort of rectangular wrap, over it. On my head I wore golden laurels. This ahistorical display pleased me, as did my scantily clad girlfriend who was feeding me grapes with an amused smile on her face. Her idea, actually.

The fighters finished filtering into the grand arena, easily the largest in the city of Dis, with seating for millions of speculators and with plenty of room for individual fights. As the arena's handlers barked out instructions for the hundreds of fighters to pair up according to the tournament brackets, I awaited my time to act. Finally, the handlers signaled that they had finished and I held up a hand. "Let the games start!" I yelled in a voice that rang out with perfect clarity across the whole arena, a trick that I had picked up somewhere during my 300 year journey through Hell. A thunderous cheering erupted from the speculators as the carnage began.

The handlers worked quickly, running around to direct fighters who had taken out their opponent either to wait or head toward their next opponent. Like that, the fighting simply went on with minimal breaks in the action. As I watched, I noticed that like I expected, it was largely amateur hour. The majority of the fighters would've taken little more than a flick of my finger to take out. They would've wiped the floor with many mortals, but I simply was too strong.

Three fighters did stand out to me as notable. Flick's keen eyes picked them out as well, her ears perking up in interest. A goat-beast, who had chosen to eschew a humanoid form, whose flames were exceptionally hot and perfectly controlled, moving exactly as she willed them. She also was quick on her feet and kicked opponents that got too near with a fierce strength. A floating cluster of eyes which fired pinpoint lasers to slice off limbs and heads and teleported here and there with just a collective blink. And a large rocky humanoid with crystalline horns, who simply absorbed opponents' attacks before returning them threefold.

In the end, the goat dodged all the eye-being's lasers while her flames clung to its body until it died. And her flames burned so hot that they overwhelmed even the rock-person's sturdy defenses, melting him before he could return the attack. I watched as she recovered until she was ready to fight me, then with a dramatic flourish threw my palla off my body and leaped down, slamming into the arena grounds. What followed was an entertaining eleven seconds, which was far more than most of my previous challengers had lasted.

This tournament was a good decision.

\|/

As Flick was off painting what she promised would be a super dramatic portrait of me suplexing the goat, I was chilling in the nearest communal baths when Chew showed up with that super irritating grin of his. Immediately, I lunged to punch him in the face. As his teeth gathered back into his mouth, he slipped into the bathing pool, opposite to me. Sighing, I sat back down and said, "What do you want?"

He tilted his head back, spreading his arms wide to relax onto the poolside floor. "I'd say I'd want thanks, but I know exactly how annoying what I do is. No, I decided I wanted to explain a little why I do what I do."

"Go on," I said curtly. I wasn't going to let this jerk ruin my bath, so I did my best to relax myself.

"In short: I like helping people. But I also like annoying them. So, guess what thought I had?" His grin was too wide for someone who'd just had his teeth punched in.

"You decided just to be a total nit?" I said.

He casually waved his hand. "Nah, I decided to help people, but in an annoying way. You're welcome by the way."

I rubbed my forehead. "Wait, those stupid messes you called 'puzzles', I can see, I did get a little bit better with the Devil's Authority. But just how the fuck is kidnapping me to Hell supposed to help me?"

He said, "I only kidnapped people who would be happier as demons, and yes, I had a way to tell. In the end, other than the annoyances that go with being the Devil, you're happier than you were, aren't you? I even did the favor of compressing time as much as absolutely possible. Only seven years passed back home, didn't it?"

I gave him this flat stare. "Seven years. That's actually a lot to humans. It's easily long enough for many people to give up hope on you being alive. Easily long enough to ruin your life on Earth. Only reason my mom didn't go through more distress than she did is after magic entered the world, and let me just say that caused its own mess in general, she was able to pay someone to scry me, so she knew I was doing more or less okay."

He blinked. "Wait, what? That shouldn't be that long even for a species as short-lived as that. I figured it'd be fine if it wasn't, say, decades."

I sighed. "Let me guess. You were born in Hell or another afterlife dimension, went straight to being a demon, and haven't known anything else. Just lemme tell you, even a year's absence can fuck up a mortal's life."

Tapping his arm, he said, "So what you're saying is I screwed this up and hurt you and the others more than I intended to? Yeah, I intended it to be just like this annoying thing, you'd march through Hell, punch me and get to go home all fine. But instead I messed up things for you?"

I crossed my arms and said curtly, "Yes, at least back on Earth. Also, you should've just asked."

"Ahh." He leaned forward. "So I need to make reparations, that's right? I'll even throw in not annoying you all while doing it, too."

"Wait, you're going to offer reparations?" I said as I blinked. I hadn't expected this conversation to go this way.

He nodded. "Yeah. I'll have to work on it. It'll likely be an individual thing based on the harm done. You know, I'm glad we had this conversation, I had intended to rub it in your face how much better your life is now because of me. Instead it looks like I owe you an apology. And reparations, of course."

I sighed. I hated to concede this much to that git. "...My life is better, mostly, but this did cause some problems for me back on Earth."

Chew said, "You're welcome and I'm sorry. Look forward to your upcoming reparations!"

Just like that he disappeared. "What the fuck," I said.

\|/

On the Helldream site
Dreamgroup "Chew's victims"

HornyLizAngela27 (The Devil): And so that's how the conversation went.
Mommabomb85: Yep, that's Chew for you. Tries to do nice things in the most annoying way possible, sometimes he fucks up.
EyelessMom5847: Ugh. Don't know why he decided to just be like that. Suppose I'll take those reparations. Wouldn't hurt things any.
StabChewStabba3: STABSTABSTABSTAB THAT GUY
HornyLizAngela27 (The Devil): At least he got that he fucked up after I explained things. I have Complicated feelings tho about all this.
JuicyInnuendo6943345: Hehe, 'complicated feelings'.
BlackSunEraRoboCatgirl has used the rocket command to launch a rocket at JuicyInnuendo6943345 in real life.
JuicyInnuendo6943345: Ow!
StabChewStabba3: STABBA NEEDS TO STAB CHEW
Site note: Due to frequent usage of the stab command on DeliciousChew6668, it has been throttled to once a day.
StabChewStabba3: BOO ONE OF THE OTHERS MUST'VE BEAT ME TO IT TODAY
StabChewStabba2: hehehe it was me
StabChewStabba: Stabba Crew Strikes Again.
Mommabomb85: So, how're everyone doing? I see the Stabba crew is out as usual at this time of day.
StabChewStabba: Yes This Is When We Can Stab Again. Anyways I Am Enjoying My Vacation.
EyelessMom5847: Still getting settled in. Kid is excited about all the new sights of my old world. I just brewed a good kettle of tea, enjoy everyone.
EyelessMom5847 has used the servetea command to make her tea available to everyone in real life.
HornyLizAngela27 (The Devil): That's a fucking good cup of tea, thanks. Been busy with Devil duties and college. Eight hours Devil work, eight hours college classes and working on assignments, eight hours just chilling. Not needing sleep is pretty sweet right now.
StabChewStabba3: STABBA IS EXTREMELY DISTRACTED BY HELLCAT GETTING IN WAY OF SCREEN
StabChewStabba3: STABBA LOVES HELLCAT BRAT BUT SOMETIMES HE IS A NUISANCE
BlackSunEraRoboCatgirl: Cats gotta cat.
HornyLizAngela27 (The Devil): From my experience with you, love, I can agree with that.
StabChewStabba2: still can't believe stabba3 named his hellcat brat
JuicyInnuendo6943345: I can believe it. I'm friends with him. And I mean 'friends'.
StabChewStabba3: STABBA THINKS YOU ARE HOT BUT WEIRD GIRL
StabChewStabba3: BEST FUCKBUDDY EVER THO
JuicyInnuendo6943345: Aww, you're so flattering.
GayFever546689: Did I walk into the flirting group instead of the 'Chew sucks' group?
GayFever546689: Okay my boyfriend is the hottest ever. I'm done.
GayFever546689: In more relevant news Chew just handed me some stuff that helped me prove to my clan that I was really me and not a memory-stealing impostor. Also a fat stack of stuff valuable to my clan.
GayFever546689: Doesn't make up for what he did, but I suppose I'm not quite as mad at him now. At least he's trying.
GayFever546689: He still sucks though.
134 people have hit the "Agree" button.