The bell for last period rang, which made me spring from my seat and rush out the door. This was going to be amazing, but it sucked that I had to walk through the crowded hallway. I moved alongside the wall to get as far from people as possible, but even still it was hard to breathe.

It wasn’t even that long of a walk, but the second my foot stepped onto the saw dust covered floor, the beautiful smell of fresh-cut wood hit me in the face. Not only could I breathe again, but now I got to enjoy the best smell in the world. 

On my way to the far back corner table, my legs stopped dead. 

 

+++

I’m a fucking cunt.

Why would I keep pushing him like this?

I don’t deserve to be happy.

+++

 

Out of nowhere, that boost to my mood got sucked out in an instant, and a massive wave of everything hit me out of nowhere.

A deep breath in-

 

I’m not gonna feel guilty this time.

I’m going to have fun working on my project, and I get to tell Robbie what I did to his food.

Remember that.

 

-and a big breath out.

Everything should have gone smoothly as long as I had those two things, but it didn’t help at all. It actually made it worse somehow.

It didn’t take long for people to walk into class, so I stopped standing there like an idiot and pretended everything was alright as I made my way to the back corner table.

It was nice and quiet there most of the time, but I wasn’t going to stay there for long. After setting my bag down, I walked up to the side table. Rows of chairs were lined up that acted as our second project for shop class. A few good ones stood out, but most were what you’d expect from freshmen kids in highschool. 

My chair, though? Mine was freaking awesome! It was one of those lawn chairs you could lean back on with armrests called an Adirondack chair. I even talked the teacher into letting me bring my own wood. It was a dark oak that made me squeal when I saw it at the hardware store with Emma. That combined with all the love and care I put into this made it the best damn chair in school! Not to mention I was technically done with it, but there would always be something I could find to improve. At least, that’s if I didn’t get distracted by Robbie.

 

+++

My chair is terrible.

I’ll never make a career out of working with wood if this is the best I can do.

+++

 

My smile fell as I peeked at the other projects. I knew mine was the best.

After looking over some of them, I landed on one special project. I wasn’t even sure you could call it a chair. More of an offensive pile of wood that was all uneven, had terrible sanding, and somehow the screws were so badly done that I was sure anyone could take the wood off with their hands.

The longer I looked at this ‘chair’ the more my soul hurt, but the only thing that made me look away was seeing Robbie, the owner of this abomination, walk into class. 

 

Finally.

 

I strolled up and smiled. “Is that pile of shit the best you can do?"

He flinched, and without even looking at me, this little brat grabbed his project and rushed to his table like I wasn’t even there. Even after yesterday he still didn’t learn, so I grabbed my chair and bag and sat down across from him.

“Go sit somewhere else for once...” His shoulders slumped as I inspected his craftsmanship—if you could even call it that.

“And miss watching you be a failure up close? Not a chance.” I leaned forward to get a closer look at his mess as I gave him the biggest, fattest smile possible.

“I don’t care about this stuff so I’m not going to be good at it.” He tried to block my view of his work, but that didn’t do him any good with how bulky his chair was. I almost wasn’t able to hold back laughing at him being stupid enough to think he could.

“No shit,” I said, eyeing him. “You’re terrible at everything. I bet you can’t even name one thing you’re good at.”

He gave up on trying to hide it and fiddled with his tools instead. “Shut up and go sit somewhere else.” His voice now louder. Robbie getting all worked up was the best thing I could ask for, so, obviously I made sure to do anything but shut up.

“Come ooon, I’ll even help you out. You're too weak to do anything you need muscle for, so it can’t be that.”

His jaw clenched and his eyes drifted down to stare at his pile of mistakes he called a chair. “I mean it.” His voice low and his face bright red. He tried to hide it, but I knew better than that. He was getting mad, and I was in heaven.

“Still need help? Alright, You’re too brain dead to do anything smart, so that’s out as well. And you’re obviously not creative at all if that pile of wood is the best you can do.”

His head shot up, “I’m not stupid and I am creative.”

My hand pressed against my mouth to hold back my laugh. Lost in this beautiful feeling, “You’re creative?”

“I can play music,” he mumbled.

“Knowing how to play the triangle isn’t something to be proud of. Face it, you’re too much of a dumb ass to play music.” 

“Shut up.” His voice bubbled with hate. As his eyes teared up, he gripped onto his chair tight. “Just shut the fuck up already.”

“Aww Robbie, don’t cry just because you’re useless. Maybe you’ll cheer up when you hear what I did to your food.” I planted my elbows on the desk, put my head on my hands, and stared directly at him.

His body froze, and all that anger left his face, leaving only a blank stare. “What did you do?”

“I didn’t do anything big,” I said.

“Tell me what you-”

“I swapped a french fry from your tray with one that I licked. I also used it to clean the bottom of my shoe and stuffed it into the trash. So, you ate all your lunch, right?” The color draining from his face was like a mile-high pile of tiny pancakes in front of me!

“Wha...” His face twisted as he covered his mouth.

“Ohhh, so you did. Was it good? Are you able to figure out which one it was?” I leaned forward even more to get a closer look at him, because I wanted to make it feel like everyone was staring at him, even if it was only me. “Did it taste any different?”

“You-”

“Yes, Robbie? Oh by the way. I accidentally dropped it onto the cafeteria floor as well. Hope you don’t get sick.”

I stared him dead in the eyes. I didn’t actually drop it, but why not have more fun? And my God, this was a blast! Before I knew it, he shot up and rushed towards the door with his hand pressed against his mouth, tripping over himself as he ran out.

I’ve never actually bursted out laughing in the middle of class, but that was just too good not to laugh my ass off! It even got a few chuckles from the other classmates.

Mr. Roland, our shop teacher, called Robbie as he ran out, but Robbie completely ignored him. Man, this was so worth the wait!

“Kendall! Come up here,” Mr. Roland called on me after Robbie ran out crying. He was pissed, but I strolled on up there with not a care in the world. Why let this bring me down? What just happened was too perfect for anything to make me lose this feeling!

“What did you do this time?” Mr. Roland leaned forward and planted his hands on the desk.

“What do you mean? I didn’t do anything,” I said with a perfectly innocent smile.

“Don’t play stupid. We both know you’ve been bullying Robbie, and I want to know what you did.” His jaw clenched as he glared at me.

“I’m serious. He told a funny joke which is why I laughed, and I guess he wasn’t feeling well.”

That wasn’t even far from the truth, either.

“I’m not buying that. Sit here until Robbie comes back and don’t move.” He called on one of the other kids to check on Robbie to make sure he was alright. If only I could see him hunched over a toilet puking his guts out. Just thinking about it helped put me on top of the freaking world!

I went with it and sat down by the front. By the way? Even this was a good thing! Being able to sit alone and far enough away from Mr. Roland that I didn’t have to worry about anything. Not a single person in the class to be near, and with what happened with Robbie? This was the life.

It took Robbie and the other one most of the period to come back, but when they walked into class, Robbie looked weak, like he just finished crying. Every time I saw Robbie like this I kept thinking ‘this was the best it could get, and nothing could top it,’ but time after time I kept proving myself wrong!

When he finally ‘recovered,’ Mr. Roland called on us again.

“Kendall, Robbie. I want both of you to come with me right now. We’re going to settle this.”

Alright, that sounded bad, but it wasn’t like they could prove anything.

We both followed him out of class and up to one of the side offices. “Kendall, you sit outside. I’ll talk to you when I’m done with Robbie.”

I sat down and shot Robbie a look, expecting him to remember that if he ratted on me that it'd only get worse for him. While I sat there though, my mind started to wander.

 

+++

What kind of sick creep tricks someone into eating food like that?

How far am I going to go with this?

I’m actually fucking disgusting.

+++

 

I planted my face in my hands.

 

Seriously? After all that build up and excitement, I hardly get to just relax?

 

I rubbed my face, careful not to touch my make up and focused on something else while they were in there, but that wasn’t going to happen.

 

+++

I don’t deserve to be loved if this is how I treat him.

I don’t deserve anything good.

+++

 

Why the hell did my mood have to get so damn spoiled? That was the best reaction I ever got out of him, but I still couldn’t even make it to the end of the day?

 

+++

Robbie should tell Mr. Roland everything I did.

Maybe that way I’ll finally stop being a bitch to him.

+++

 

Sitting there as those thoughts slammed into me, I was at least thankful that it didn’t take long for them to come out. Robbie went straight to class, and I couldn’t even look at him.

“It’s your turn,” Mr. Roland said. I picked myself up and walked in after him into this small white office. It had nothing but a boring desk with some chairs and a white board. He went to sit behind the desk as the door closed behind me. As long as I stayed near the door, then I had a way out if I had to run for it.

“Have a seat,” he said.

Instead, I leaned onto the back of one of the chairs to keep my distance. “I’m good. What do you want anyway?”

He stared at me for a moment and sighed, “Do you have any idea why you’re here right now?”

“You wanted to talk to me because you believe all those terrible things Robbie is making up about me, like I’m bullying him or something. All I ever do is lightly tease him.”

 

+++

I made him puke his guts out and cry.

It’s not even a good lie.

+++

 

My mind kept reminding me of those messed up scenes on repeat, but it wasn’t like telling him the truth would be any better. What’s worse still is that I had to act like I was fine.

“No, actually. He didn’t tell me a single thing about what happened between you two.”

“Oh- I mean yeah, see? Even Robbie says nothing’s going on.”

Even though he told him nothing, Mr. Roland still smiled. Not the kind of smile you’d expect, either. It was more of a ‘I caught you red-handed’ kind of smile and that didn’t sit well with me one bit.

“No, instead we talked about a method to make him better equipped to deal with bullying. Possibly making it so such things won’t bother him in the future.”

Did I hear that right? Robbie, the most useless kid in school not bothered by bullying? It’d take a goddamn miracle to pull that off, and I wasn’t buying it.

“Yeah, sure. There isn’t actually a way to make it so he can’t be picked on. I mean, not that I care. Actually I’m happy for him but this all sounds like a joke.”

He nodded, “It may take some time, but there is a good chance he won’t be bothered by that stuff nearly as much, and it turns out he’s better at this than I thought he’d be. Maybe even better than you’d be. Of course, if you want to prove me wrong, I’d be willing to show you what this is as well.”

He folded his hands on the desk and sat up straight, like he won whatever this was already. I knew it was stupid, but I wasn’t going to let something like that slide. No way in hell was that little runt going to be better than me at anything. Even if it was obvious he was trying to play me.

“What’s this special trick you showed Robbie?”

“I’ll tell you, but before I do, you need to promise not to bother Robbie until you’re finished. Some can do it in ten minutes, others need a couple weeks, but however long it takes, you’re not to pick on Robbie at all. Otherwise, I’ll stop working with you and make sure Robbie will be better.”

“Whatever. Not like I’m bullying him, but sure. I’ll stop lightly teasing Robbie until I get whatever this is,” I said, folding my arms. He thought I’d actually stop picking on him that easily? Not a chance.

“I mean it,” he said.

“Yeah, so do I.”

At the very least this could’ve been something to distract me and give me a few laughs.

“So, I’m going to tell you how to wake up your anima.”

“My what?” I asked, with the name sounding only kind of familiar.

“Have you not heard about them before?”

“Am I supposed to?”

“Do you not watch the news?” he asked, raising an eyebrow at me. “They’re not so common, but it’s still kind of surprising you don’t know.”

“No I don’t. Are you going to tell me about this or not?”

He stared at me for a bit before he snapped back to it. “Yes, right. Anyway, anima are best described as a mental manifestation of your unconscious. Someone you can talk to that knows you better than anyone else. Think of it like your own personal therapist and friend.”

“...Right...” My arms still folded, I slowly backed away from Mr. Roland.

“An easy way to think of them is that they're the other side of yourself. They can be used as a method to make you better equipped to deal with problems, or even for companionship.”

Companionship? Was this really just some imaginary friend kinda garbage?

“Can I go back to class now?”

“I understand why you might be sceptical if you don’t know about them, but if you don’t go through with this, then Robbie’s going to get ahead of you. Are you sure you want that?”

Rolling my eyes, “this again? Just because you bring that up doesn’t mean I’m going to join a cult, or whatever the hell this is.” I opened up the door.  

“Now hold up a minute,” he said, standing up. “There are things about them that could help you a lot as well. Like making it easier to deal with emotional trouble. There’s even some ways they can help you control your emotions better. Even if it’s not for getting ahead of Robbie, they can still help you deal with all manner of things.”

I paused, and was about to kick myself for asking this. “What do you mean control my emotions better?”

He walked around the table, “Anima are tied to our minds. This allows them to control our emotions to a point. They’re also proactive about working out problems, so it just takes some time and effort, but you’ll get something out of it. You just have to try it, that’s all.”

I stood in the open doorway, “What’s the catch? There’s no way you can have something like that without something bad happening.”

“There’s no catch, other than your anima might be a bit aggressive, but I wouldn’t worry about that. There’s no problem that can’t be worked out, and if anything does happen, then I can help you both.”

Even if it was the most stupid thing I ever heard, the thought of being able to do something about this guilt, or maybe even this depression kept me in the room.

My thumb tapped against my leg.

 

If I try this and it was all make believe, then I could walk out of the room like nothing happened and have a nice laugh...

 

“Fine, but sit back down at least,” I said as I stood in the open doorway. “You’re making me anxious.” He sat down in his seat without a fuss, and I stepped back in. Only this time, I made sure the door was propped open. “I’ll go along with this, but I’m not expecting anything.”

“That’s fine. This shouldn’t take long,” he said. “There are three simple steps. First, I want you to close your eyes and cycle through names. Any random name will work until you get to one that feels right. Then tell me what name you decide on.”

“No,” I said, crossing my arms again. “No way am I closing my eyes.” Closing them meant trusting him, and no way that’s happening.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to. It just helps sometimes.”

“Well I can do it with my eyes open. So what, I just pick a name I like?” I asked.

“Not one you like, but one that feels right. There’s a slight difference that’s important to keep in mind.”

 

Even if this can help me, it still feels like I’m joining some creepy cult. Join a cult and maybe get help with my depression and guilt, or keep going how I’ve been going...

 

The fact I actually decided to go through with this gave me shivers at how scary cults could be, but I had to give it a quick try, just to be sure it didn’t work. Else it’d be at the back of my head for the rest of my life.

 

So a name that feels right. Joe? Beth? James? Ehhh, those seem too normal. What about Rashi? Wither? Esmer? Huh, Esmer…

Yeah, that feels right.

 

“Esmer,” I said.

“That’s a name you can get attached to?”

I nodded, which prompted him to continue. “Next, you need to come up with a form for them. Again, anything that feels right to you.”

 

Alright, so a body. Maybe a dog? Or a bird? Nah, animals aren’t that interesting. What about something cooler? I should be able to do something with wood. He didn’t say that objects were no good, sooo let’s try that. What could I make though? A wooden doll is obvious, but that’s kinda-

 

Like that, the image of one of those poseable wooden dolls without a face that artists used popped up.

 

Oh, well, nevermind then.

 

“A wooden doll,” I said.

“Okay, good. Now, one final step. You need to give it a voice. Again, the same process as before. Whatever feels best.”

“Hold on, is this really all it takes?” I asked. “I’m just picking random crap that ‘feels right’ and it’s supposed to be this super useful thing, but this just comes off as bullshit.”

“There’s more to waking them up than this, but you don’t have to worry about that stuff right now. Just focus on finding the right voice.”

“Whatever, it’s already weird enough already.”

A whole bunch of different accents came out. Some I had no idea how to describe, but this part took something like ten minutes. Eventually, though, it clicked, and I settled on the voice of a stern, but loving mother.

Seconds later, a pressure wrapped around my head like a towel. It didn’t hurt, but it was way beyond unnatural. A few more seconds, though, and I heard it.

 

Hello, Kendall.

 

My heart shot out of my chest like a goddamn cannonball as I heard a voice as clear as day in my head.

Backing the hell away from Mr. Roland, “What the hell was that?”

“Calm down. Did you just hear someone? That’s normal.”

“Normal? I thought you were making stuff up! How the hell is this normal?” I backed up to the door.

“I promise you, it’s perfectly fine. Try talking to them by thinking what you want to say.”

 

He’s correct.

This does seem to be what he was trying to do.

We know we’re scared, but we’re safe.

We’re not a threat.

Neither is Mr. Roland.

 

Who- What are you?

 

We should know.

 

So...

 

Yes, we’re us.

Our anima as our teacher calls us.

 

Um, My name’s Kendall.

 

We’re aware.

 

Right…

 

“It’s talking to me,” I said as I backed up enough to push open the door. “You never said that I would hear voices like this.”

Mr. Roland walked over to the board to grab a marker, “They can be talkative, but try to get used to them. Now then, it’s good to meet you, Esmer. How do you like being awake?” he held the marker out to me. “Write down what they say.”

 

Write down that it’s nice to meet him as well.

As for being awake?

We don’t like it.

There are issues in our head.

 

Ignoring the marker, “Uhh, She says it’s nice to meet you. And wait, issues?”

“What issues?” Roland repeated, still holding out the marker.

 

Yes.

This place in our head is a mess.

And write down what we say.

 

“No it’s not.”

 

We don’t have to talk out loud.

Think of what we want to say.

 

Right...

 

Good.

Now write what we said down.

We want to talk to him.

 

No, not until you tell me what these issues are. I’m not going to be left in the dark like this.

 

We know what issues we’re talking about.

Our big problems we keep avoiding.

 

“Nope. Screw this, I’m done.” I turned around and shot right out of the door.

“Hold on, what did they say?” Mr. Roland asked, but I ignored him and rushed back to the classroom.

 

That wasn’t very polite.

He did wake us up after all.

We’d have liked to talk with him some more.

Yet, that reaction of ours is one such issue we mentioned.

 

No, there are no ‘big problems’ and nothing is wrong, so shut up right now.

 

Hmm, perhaps it’s best to ease us into it.

Very well, we’ll leave that matter be for now.

 

I made it to the classroom, sat down and stared at Robbie. Was this thing really going to help him not be bullied anymore?

 

We’re a person, not a thing. 

 

I’m telling you to shut up. Can’t you get that I don’t want you talking?

 

It doesn’t work that way.

We’ll speak when we have something to say.

 

Well I’m sure as hell not going to listen to a voice in my head.

 

That’s too bad.

We’re here to stay, so we may as well get used to it. 

In the meantime, we’ve got to find out what’s going on with Robbie. 

Perhaps we could sabotage his progress somehow.

 

Kind of hard to focus on that when I’m actually going crazy right now. I don’t even know why I’m still talking to something that isn’t real.

 

That hurts.

We’re not going crazy.

And we’re talking back to us because that’s just who we are.

Always have to have that last word.

 

I sighed as I kept staring at Robbie.

 

I don’t need to get the-

See?

We can’t even go a few seconds.

Like it or not, we’re awake now.

 We will be talking when we feel the desire to.

 

I broke my eye contact with Robbie when he caught me glaring at him. I couldn’t even freaking look at him now and it was pathetic.

Mr. Roland walked back into class and sat behind his desk, acting as if nothing happened.

 

I’m going to talk to Mr. Roland about getting rid of you.

 

He spent that time waking us up.

What makes us think he’d try to get rid of us?

Let’s not waste our time.

 

It annoyed the ever loving hell out of me that the voice had a point. Mr. Roland probably knew what would happen. He knew and he still got me to do this? I never got super close to him, but damn that hurt.

 

Fine, just don’t cause trouble for me.

 

Of course we won’t.

In case we were not listening to Mr. Roland, we’re a part of us.

We are the same.

We want what’s best for us.

    

Excuse me for not trusting a voice that started talking to me after performing some sort of satanic ritual.

 

Don’t worry.

We’ll get used to our commentary.

 

I planted my forehead into both my hands to hide away.

 

Wonderful…

 

---

Author's note: Thank you for reading up to this point! Writing this has been one hell of an emotional adventure, and one that started all the way back in 2019 through multiple iterations as we improved our skill. I felt it was best to hold off on the author's note until the end of this chapter to not cause any breaks between the first three, but from now on every chapter will have an author's note talking about what it was like to write each chapter. We know that this story isn't going to be for everyone, but for those of you that did enjoy it we'd love to see you around as this story continues!

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