It was hardly a few minutes before I opened my eyes back up and looked at my phone.

 

From: Holly

5:54 PM: Video games. I have a lot of them so I should have something you'd like I think. Come over whenever you want.

 

That's when it hit me.

Holy fuck.

I just got invited to hang out at someones house.

That's actually never fucking happened before. 

What the fuck was I supposed to do when I'm there? Just act the way I was at school? I guess that made sense. But what if you're supposed to act a certain way? I had no idea about this stuff! Maybe I should just talk like Esmer again.

 

'You're overthinking this. Just don't act like an asshole and you'll be fine.'

 

Yeah, I was probably overthinking it, but still! There's so much crap going on. I didn't know where the hell Esmer went to, and that made Emma's friend coming here a lot worse. Maybe if-

 

Kendall.

 

Esmer!

 

I sat up and looked around, but didn't see her.

 

Where are you? You're back a lot sooner than I thought you'd be. Is everything okay?

 

…It might be.

I'm not sure anymore.

 

The moment I realized Esmer wasn't going to be here here, massive black blob expanded in front of me.

 

What's going on?

 

Try not to be scared.

 

Scared of what?

+++

Me!

+++

 

The bubble burst into two massive hands that crashed down on both sides of my bed. I backed up so much I fell off my bed and almost let out a scream.

 

What the fuck is that!? And where are you!?

 

Stop trying to fucking scare her already.

 

+++

Things are going to get a lot worse than me just scaring her a little.

+++

 

Whatever this thing was, a big blob of it popped up and stared down at me with purple eyes as I crawled away until my back hit the wall.

 

+++

I'm what your useless anima has been repressing. I guess you could say I'm that voice in your head. The one that constantly reminds you of how you're a useless slut that'll never amount to anything respectable.

+++

 

I picked myself up and walked off without looking at that thing.

 

Then fuck off back where you came from.

 

That thing shot straight up through the floor with blinding speed and put it's face right in front of mine, startling me so much I tripped as I backed up.

 

+++

You don't get to fucking ignore me anymore!

+++

 

It crawled towards me as intense fear hit me like a bat. Making me frantically back up into the corner.

 

+++

You're going to listen to every word I have to say!

+++

 

It rushed me with the same speed as before and brought it's face inches away from my own.

 

+++

Or I won't bother being nice!

+++

 

Everything about this monster screamed danger. A deep, terrifying danger I only ever got from one other person left me speechless and in tears.

 

+++

Now that I have your attention. I have a lot of important stuff to go over. Nod if you understand, since I know you're a useless coward that can't even speak right now because you're so scared.

+++

 

Without hesitation, I nodded.

 

+++

First of all, Esmer fucked up big time. I know you saw those cracks in her body. And all that tar leaking out.

+++

 

He held up his hand as it dripped the same stuff that came from Esmer.

 

+++

This stuff is made up of everything bad you could imagine. She repressed it for so long it started to destroy her body. Literally. 

+++

 

I'm still here though.

Please don't be upset when you see me.

It's only temporary that I'm like this.

 

+++

Nod if you understand.

+++

 

Again, I nodded. He reached inside of him and pulled out Esmer's head. I wanted to scream out loud, but before I could-

 

It's okay.

I'm going to be fine.

I promise.

 

I reached out to grab hold of her head, and without a word I held her in my arms like my life depended.

 

+++

Listen up. I'm here for one very specific reason.

+++

 

Slowly, I looked up at the monster to see him pull out a large, black and purple crystal and held it out to me.

 

+++

This is a memory. One that Esmer cut off from you when she was asleep. And unlike the negative thoughts I'm made of, these are ultra condensed. That makes them far worse. Esmer was supposed to start working through them with you when you did that thing with Mr. Roland. Something she failed at spectacularly. So now I'm here to make sure her job gets done. It's time to start remembering them now.

+++

 

I brought my knees up to my chest and used Esmer's head to hide behind the monster.

 

What's he talking about? I'm not going to remember- why the fuck would I remember that stuff!?

 

…I'm sorry this is so sudden.

It's my fault for holding off on it for so long.

I believed I could wait until we were in a better place.

There isn't any more time though.

 

That doesn't tell me why I need to remember anything from back then!

 

+++

What do you think happens when a subconscious tries to repress? Don't bother answering because I know you're too stupid to know. That answer is that your mind creates someone else to hold onto everything, because it's got to go somewhere. That someone is me. And the more that Esmer suppresses, the stronger I get.

+++

 

He grabbed hold of Esmer's head and ripped her away from me. I went to reach for her, but the monster shoved his face close to mine and made me freeze.

 

+++

The angrier I get.

+++

 

And held the crystal inches away from my head.

 

+++

And the more impatient I get.

+++

 

That's enough.

You're scaring her.

Kendall, please listen to me.

I know this is going to be hard.

 

No it's not because I'm not fucking doing anything like that!

 

…I'm sorry, but it's going to happen either way.

But I'll be here for you through it.

Don't forget that you're not alone in this either.

I know we've been emotionally separated for a while because of all this, but this is as much my trauma as it is yours.

And we can take this slow.

Small bits at a time.

It won't be anything you can't manage.

Tell her.

 

+++

She's right. You're not going to be able to fight it. 

+++

 

With knees still curled up to my chest, I wrapped my arms around them and didn't say anything to either of them. Why the fuck would I have to live through stuff I don't even remember just because I got Esmer? I knew they just said why, but what kind of fucked up thing is this!? I would have never woken her up if I knew this was going to happen!

 

…Can't you just put Esmer back to how she was before I woke her up? That way I shouldn't have to go through this.

 

The Monster held up Esmer's head.

 

+++

Did you hear that? She'd rather you go away than face what happened. That's how little she cares about you.

+++

 

What? No I mean- She's really awesome but…

 

+++

But you'd gladly trade her for being able to hide away from these memories. I bet that goes for Emma as well. Doesn't it?

+++

 

…

 

That's enough!

Of course she'd rather get rid of me than go through that hell again.

If I could, then I'd go back to sleep all on my own so she wouldn't have to. 

She wouldn't even have to ask.

But I don't know how.

I don't even know if it's possible.

Kendall, don't ever let someone like this asshole make you feel guilty for protecting yourself.

 

He tossed Esmer's head back over to me, and I instantly snatched her and held her close again. Tight enough so he'd never be able to take her from me.

 

We're going to give her some time to get ready.

 

+++

That's fine, but we're overflowing as it is. You have three hours to get ready. I'm not going to wait any later than that.

+++

 

I heard him, but I stayed silent and kept hanging onto Esmer's head.

 

I'll give you awhile to sit and process this.

Then we're going to work through it as a team, alright?

 

My grip on her tightened as I stared off into space.

 

+++

I almost want to question if she even heard us.

+++

 

She did.

We just need to give her some time.

 

I sat there, speechless and confused as that thing sat down in front of me and waited.