I followed Holly to the kitchen where she opened the fridge. Popping her head up from the door, "What do you like to eat?"

"I'm not picky, so whatever." She went back in and pulled out an egg carton and some bread. "You know how to cook?" I asked.

"My parents aren't here a lot of the time, so I kinda have to know." She cracked the eggs into the bowl.

"Oh…is that a good thing?"

"I don't mind it. I actually kinda like being alone anyway. But it's fun having you here."

 

—

"It's fun having you here."

—

 

"Thanks. I'm actually having a good time. I prefer to be alone too, so I didn't know what to expect, but I'm happy you invited me over."

"That's good, but I still don't know how to feel about having you here without having my friends knowing…"

"Is me being here going to get you in trouble with your friends?" I asked as I shrunk down in my seat. The last thing I wanted was to mess things up with her and her friends.

"I don't think so. Not most of them, but Robbie…"

"Yeah…How's he doing?"

"It sounds like he's doing okay," She stopped stirring and put down the bowl, "but why did you do all that stuff to him?"

"...Do I really need to say?"

"Yeah. You're really nice to me, but I feel like I'm stabbing him in the back by spending time with you."

 

You might as well tell her.

 

+++

Yeah, tell her how we started all of this over some spilt milk. Ha!

+++

 

I slouched down even further in my seat. "It's a really stupid reason…"

She went back to cooking. "I still need to know why."

Rubbing my face, "Fine. It was a few years ago or something. And I was sitting on my own until Robbie came up and grabbed my shoulder. I freaked out and when I went to knock his hand away, my hand hit my milk into him and it spilled on him. Everyone started laughing and I don't know. It just got me laughing too and I know this is a stupid reason, but he just seemed like a good time I guess…"

Holly turned around and poured the eggs onto the pan, "So you bullied him for years just because of that?"

"I mean it's not- look, there are other things going on and again I know it sounds stupid, but I really needed someone like Robbie."

"Why did you need him though? I'm just trying to find out why you'd do all that stuff to someone that didn't do anything to you…"

I leaned back in my seat and put my hands on my knees. "It's not easy to explain." My thumb tapped against my knee as I watched her cook.

 

Ask her if you can tell her later.

 

"Can I tell you later? I promise I will but last night was already shitty enough. I was hoping I could just relax."

"I don't get how bullying someone can be that complicated…"

"I know what I did was shitty, but I had a reason. I just mean that there's a lot of shit going on and I'm trying my best, alright? Can we please talk about anything else?"

Silence from her as she had her back to me.

 

This doesn't look good.

 

+++

I told you you'd find a way to fuck it all up.

+++

 

She put the eggs and toast onto a couple plates and brought them to the table.

"I really want to be friends with you and I'm thankful for what you did. But if you can't even tell me why you bullied my friend so much, then maybe it'd be best if you leave after you eat." She put a plate in front of me and sat down on the other side of the table.

 

…

 

You can tell her a little.

Tell her you bullied him because it made us feel good.

 

+++

Or you can tell her you bullied him because you're a useless, psychotic cunt.

+++

 

"...If I really need to, then fine. Just please promise me you won't tell anyone."

"I won't."

Placing my head in my hands to rub my face, I let out a sigh before I started to eat. "The reason I bullied Robbie was-" I stopped  to take a few bites to stall for time.

"...Because?"

"Because do you know what it's fucking like not having anything that takes your mind off of bad stuff? And I don't mean just- I mean the kind of stuff that-" I took another few bites and fought to keep my eyes dry. "Do your parents treat you alright?"

"They do."

"Then you're fucking lucky. You probably have no idea how bad things could get."

 

—

Father pushing me into my room.

—

 

I took a few more bites out of my food as tears built up. "All you had to worry about was going to school and getting picked on for a couple hours a day."

 

—

"Get ready."

—

 

My teeth clenched as I stared down at my food.

 

—

Thinking if I got detention I'd be safe at school.

—

 

I kept trying to hold back crying, but it was getting too hard. "I'm sorry but you don't get to fucking know why I did that shit. I'm sorry and doing everything I can to make it up to you guys should be enough."

I didn't bother looking up at Holly and just focused on eating my breakfast so I could get out of here. Not a word was said the rest of the time, and once I took the last bite, "Thanks for the food." I stood up and headed towards the door.

"Wait," Holly said. I quickly dried my eyes and turned around. "I'm sorry, I didn't know it was that bad. I just thought- I don't know, but I didn't think it'd be that bad and- Sorry. You don't have to go."

I rubbed my face, "I need a few minutes to myself," I said before walking out the front door and sat on the steps.

 
Who the fuck does she think she is trying to get me to tell her that stuff?

 

We can't blame her for not knowing.

 

+++

All we can do is let Holly know we're fucked in the head.

+++

 

—

Father getting pissed at me because I didn't come home on time.

—

 

I'm trying to make up for everything and I thought Holly would understand that.

 

+++

You really are one stupid cunt. What in your head makes you think Holly would forgive you like that? I'm surprised all she wanted was an explanation. That's a lot more than you deserve. She shouldn't even be talking to an asshole like you.

+++

 

I'm not in the fucking mood right now.

 

+++

Even when you get someone that actually wants to spend time with you, you push them away because you can't even explain why you bullied Robbie.

You bullied him because you loved having control. Making Robbie do what we wanted was the best, because it's the only time in our fucked up life that we've ever had any control over anything.

That's all your stupid ass needed to say, and you couldn't even manage that.

+++

 

I knew it was fucking pointless to argue with him, and it stung because I knew he was right. Right now though I had to get my mind off of it, so I looked around and counted how many lights I saw to try and calm down.

 

4…9…13…17…24…

 

It was slow, but it helped enough to stop myself from bursting down into tears. 

 

It's going to be okay.

Holly will understand, and we'll continue to try and make it up to them.

Tarmon.

 

As soon as she said his name, he put Esmer's head in my lap.

 

This might be tough, but just give this time. 

If she hasn't gone through this kind of stuff, then she wouldn't understand.

So go inside and make up with her.

 

I looked down at her and sighed. I couldn't be mad at Holly, but after last night the last thing I needed was to have it brought up like that. Wasn't anything else to do though besides get up and walk back in there, which is what I did.

Holly came rushing from the kitchen and stopped dead in the doorway to the kitchen. "Hey…" she said, only partly looking me in the eyes.

"Hey…I'm sorry about that outburst. This stuff is really hard for me and I can't just explain it like that."

"It's alright. If it's something that bad, then you don't need to tell me."

Rubbing my hands against my pant legs. "I get you wanting to know that, but can I just have some time?"

"That's fine," she said as we stood there and looked around the room, only looking at each other for a couple seconds at a time. "So…are we alright?"

"Yeah," I said, tapping my thumb on my pants leg, "I mean if you want to be."

"I do."

"Good…and I'm sorry about freaking out on you." 

"It's fine. I didn't know there was that big a reason for it. Actually, I never really thought about what you guys go through, but it sounds rough."

"Yeah…"

It was more just standing around for at least half a fucking minute. I loved that she didn't talk a lot like I did, but there were times when I wished just one of us would say something.

"So…" Holly started, "You said you like to work with wood. Is it okay if I watch you make something?"

"Right now? I don't really have any of my stuff."

"I'm sure my dad won't mind if you use some of his."

"Are you sure? Some people aren't happy with others using their material or tools. I should know."

"I'm sure it's fine. He said if I ever wanted to I could use them. He's been trying to get me interested but I haven't really been into it."

"If you're sure, then alright. Where is everything?"

"In the garage," she said as she led the way outside and opened the big garage door. I thought my own was Heaven, but this? I've never seen so many tools! I walked in and took it all in. This was the kind of garage I'd dream of, and Holly would get to use it whenever she wanted. Man, she had no idea what she was missing. 

"Are you sure it's okay if I use this stuff? I don't want to mess anything up."

"Just don't use up too much wood I guess. And don't break the tools."

"I wouldn't dream of it. Can I get that notebook to write down what I need?"

"Yeah, just wait here," she said as she walked back into the house.

 

Tell me that the person who owns this garage is bad. I fucking dare you.

 

Enjoy it while it lasts, because we'll do what we need to to keep us safe.

Even if that means scaring us so much we sprint away from here.

 

She came rushing out and handed me the notebook. "Here you go. So what are you going to make?"

"I'm not sure yet. I guess I'll make it up as I draw." I took the book and put it on the table to start drawing.

 

We don't know how much time we'd have, so it should be something simple.

 

Yeah, but what? I mean I could make like a little foot stool or something.

 

That sounds like a good one.

 

+++

Don't fuck it up like we know you'll do because of the pressure of being watched by Holly. 

+++

 

I won't.

 

I got to drawing and just drew up a basic foot stool. Nothing fancy and something I could hopefully finish before I went home.

Holly watched over my shoulder as I drew it up. Closer than she was when we were coming up with the plan for the castle. It wasn't long, but it was enough to make me uncomfortable. I looked over at her. "Sorry, but can you just step back a bit? I get worried when people get close."

"Oh. Sorry." She stepped away a few steps, but still tried to see what I was drawing. Once it was done, I pushed myself away from the table and walked over to the wood pile. All of this was nice, so I didn't want to use it for something like a foot stool, but her dad did have a pile of scrap wood in the corner I noticed. So I figured I'd use some of that. One good piece for the top, and plenty for the legs and braces. 

Walking up there, I picked up the pieces I thought I'd need. Some would need to be cut down, but other than that these pieces should be good for this. When I brought the pile back to the table and cracked my knuckles, something hit me. I was ready to work, but having her standing there put a ton of fucking pressure on me.

 

Holy fuck. What's going on? I never had this problem before when I was working in shop class.

 

+++

It's because it's different with Holly, you fucking idiot.

+++

 

Aside from the rude comment, Tarmon's right.

It's different with Holly because of what's going on with our feelings towards her.

 

With a deep breath, I leaned on the table and tried to pretend she wasn't there. Almost immediately, my eyes flicked over to her.

 

I don't think that's going to work here.

 

Fine. It's not like I haven't made stuff a lot harder than this. I can do this. I just gotta focus and not make any stupid mistakes.

 

+++

Your life is nothing but a string of stupid mistakes, but at least you're aware you make them.

+++

 

It's going to be fine.

Take a deep breath and do what we've done a hundred times before.

 

With another deep breath-

 

You're right. I can do this. I just have to stay calm, and talk to Holly every now and then. I got this!

 

You're right.

You can do this.

 

I picked up the measuring tape and went to work.